A strange balance point

[SeekingStrength]

Recovering, this is a story for another day, but gfg32 HAS been on the 6 o'clock news. I was numbly folding laundry when i saw his mug shot and heard the story......Hey, i just realized i DID survive that and it is (almost) old news....

 

[in a daze]

Recovering, I am so sorry for this latest development with your daughter. You are in my thoughts and prayers.

 

[recoveringenabler]

Well, I think I graduated to some new level here. Sheesh. The phone rang here this afternoon and I just knew it was her. I took the call. It was a good choice, I was ready. Time, SO's unending love and support and the wagon circling you all did helped tremendously.

She told me what happened. She talked. I said very, very little. I had no emotion, I offered nothing, I was simply present. She was very quiet, no drama, no crying, a lot of long pauses. I'm sure my quiet was disconcerting. She asked if I would be willing to drive someplace to see if her car was there, it was blocks away so I said, yes. She asked if it was there would I drive it back to my house. I said yes. There were more long pauses. She said she had a hearing tomorrow because she pleaded not guilty. I didn't say anything. She said she would try to call later or tomorrow, I said fine. We got off the phone, I felt.............nothing. SO said, "you hardly spoke and when you did, you had no emotion, you sounded flat."

We drove to look for her car, I have an extra key. We came upon it in the complex she lives in. The cops were there searching it. We stopped and introduced ourselves. We saw her roommate and chatted with him. The officer said after they finished searching it, I could have it, he took my number and called an hour later and we picked it up.

I can't explain this but this has had no impact on me. I went to look for her car and brought it back here because it was easy to do. If it had been hard, I would have said no. If the car had not been there, I would have returned home and that would have been that. If the police would have said I had to do this or that, I wouldn't have done anything. I believe I acted in a healthy way.

I think my daughter sensed my detachment this time, those long pauses were relatively new, .......I could hear her confusion.............the old script we've played out endlessly has been changed, but this was what I consider a huge test for me...........can I stay detached when there is more on the line? Can I maintain my composure and ability to keep those boundaries intact when she could use so much help? Can I stay in my center and not get pulled out by her drama? Yes, I can.

I feel good about my choice. She may be in jail until tomorrow or for a month or for a longer time. I've now done what feels good. I feel "clean." She didn't ask about money on her books or anything else, just her car. It feels like I have a better handle on the giving thing, about what I can do and what I can't do. It was all so easy. There was no muss or fuss or heavy emoting for anyone.............just the facts. (Like on Dragnet..............)

SO and I talked about if she stays in longer perhaps I might put money on her books. He suggested that as some of you have. I am not certain of that yet. I have to see how that feels if it happens. Right now this all feels right, that "right" feeling once again.............for today.............for this moment...............tomorrow is another day..........I'll think about it tomorrow. (Scarlet O'Hara)

A really nice moment occurred when we got back. I was saying to SO that for my whole life I've always had to show up alone to handle these kinds of things.........and this was MINOR compared to so many dramas my family has pulled me into. With him by my side through the last few years when my difficult child's life blew and she began her descent, it really has been so much easier, it's so nice to be comforted and not have that awful feeling of being so alone with so much on your shoulders. I thanked him for all he's done, for all the times he's shown up for me.........he said, "well, those alone days are over now, I'm here now." It made me cry. It's true. I am not alone. What a gift for me to really get that. I mean I've known that, but you know what I mean, when you get something really deeply, when it impacts you profoundly and changes your experience of life. I got it and it was pretty great.

So underneath this new development, there are wonderful gifts for me. I am feeling that gratitude again. Everything feels as if it's all in the right place.

And, you all helped me move through this...............that wagon circling is very powerful stuff............thank you all so much..............

 

[Childofmine]

I'm sure my quiet was disconcerting. She asked if I would be willing to drive someplace to see if her car was there, it was blocks away so I said, yes. She asked if it was there would I drive it back to my house. I said yes. There were more long pauses.

RE, you have done something really different here. What maturity and grace and wisdom and WORK it takes to be silent. As a big talker and a big words person (as you know, lol), over the past few years I am gaining such an appreciation for silence. You were simply bearing witness. Loving witness. You showed up. You were present. RE, this is really big. I see it as a huge step forward for you and by bearing witness, perhaps for me, too.

can I stay detached when there is more on the line?

Well you either will or you won't, RE. And whatever you DECIDE to do, and yes now, you are deciding, not reacting in the pain, heat and crisis of the moment, whatever you decide to do, RE, that will be your decision at that time. And even if you look back at it later, and decide you could have make a different choice, that will be okay too.

I used to think, oh, I obsessed about this, what if I do or say this one thing that makes something bad really happened? And then someone said: Wow you must be the most powerful person in the world if you can make something happen---or not---by just saying one thing or doing one thing? Said tongue in cheek, with a small smile, but I got it. I still get it.

Whatever you do, each little and big decision RE, you are okay. All will be okay.

Getting the car---it passes the smell "test"---Am I about to do something for her she could do for herself? Well, she couldn't do this thing. And so you did it. You would do it for anyone, RE.

With him by my side through the last few years

he said, "well, those alone days are over now, I'm here now."

This made me cry, RE, it is so beautiful and so tender and...THIS is love. Standing beside you in your silence and your pain and your love. And your detachment. Hey RE, SO can come on the cruise, too! He's in! (smile)

I am so thankful for your example today. You were different, RE, and so your daughter, and your relationship with her, will be different. maybe, just maybe, in your silence there is space. There is space for her to hear something new, to see her own power over her own life, and for her to find a new place to stand.

You are giving her a new chance, RE.

 

[Scent of Cedar *]

One and a half minutes?!?

Oh, you have given us a primary weapon, Recovering. I so dread the emotional days and days. 90 seconds, I can do. 90 seconds. I can sit with whatever the emotion is, for 90 seconds.

I am reading Pema, too. Not the same book. One of her earliest ones, I think. I have been using the "just thinking" concept to disrupt thought chains, story lines. Not just in meditation, but in day to day life. It has been an excellent tool, a wonderful way to increase self awareness without judgment.

"Thinking."

And now, this incredible piece of information. I had always envisioned emotion as flashing through a trough worn, deep and twisted and dark, through the emotional centers of the brain. I felt helpless to change my reactions without digging as deeply, without facing and reinterpreting the initial emotional overload.

Sort of like changing the course of a really deep river.

But this concept of 90 seconds and a story line....

Wow.

Change the story line...why, that would be done through intent. Through knowing how I want it to feel to be me, to have been me, to be me, tomorrow.

:O)

Cedar

 

[Scent of Cedar *]

Regarding what comes next for your child, Recovering.

"You can't lead a courageous life without these leaps of faith. Sometimes everything looks terribly bleak and you think you know the end of the story. But you don't. And by writing the end of the story, in some sense you doom it to happen. Or you hypnotize yourself with negative thoughts. The most important thing you could possibly learn is not to do that ~ but to affirm the positive even when you don't know the outcome."

Erica Jong
Any Woman's Blues

Cedar

 

[SeekingStrength]

Recovering,

This is good...the way you handled the phone call, the renewed gratitude you feel....and I am happy the car was not impounded and your daughter doesn't have to deal with that. Lots of good things came out of a phone call you weren't that anxious to get!

When can you and SO get back to that beach? or another one? Sure hope you are planning something.

You guys are just talking about a cruise, right? You better not be planning one behind my back!

 

[recoveringenabler]

Thank you everyone.

You were different, RE, and so your daughter, and your relationship with her, will be different. maybe, just maybe, in your silence there is space. There is space for her to hear something new, to see her own power over her own life, and for her to find a new place to stand.

Beautifully said COM.

As I mentioned, I am reading Living Beautifully by Pema Chodron. It couldn't be a more perfect guide for me now. I must be ready to hear it because it is being absorbed now. Here is a quote I read last night......."Refraining from speaking or acting out slows us down and enables us to see our habitual responses very, very clearly. Until we can see our reactions, we can never know precisely what causes us to stay stuck and what will help us to get free. It's important, however, to refrain in a spirit of compassionate self-reflection. We look at what we say and do based on a genuine trust in our basic goodness."......................"Each time we don't refrain but speak or act out instead, we're strengthening old habits, strengthening the fixed sense of self. We're keeping the whole mechanism of suffering going. But when we refrain, we're allowing ourselves to feel the uncertainty--that edgy, restless, energy--without trying to escape. The escape routes are there, but we're not using them. We're getting in touch with the feeling of fundamental uneasiness and relaxing with it rather then being run around by our thoughts and emotions." She goes on to say that her teacher has a sign on the door that says, "Don't believe everything you think."

But this concept of 90 seconds and a story line....

I know Cedar, isn't it liberating? I am practicing. I know that with our fears we create neuro-pathways in the brain that become like trenches.............however, the brain has the capacity to create new neuro-pathways, and I am determined to do that. It's all the chattering of the brain.............like a crazy monkey. Meditation is a big help. For me, finding ways to deeply relax and expand the space between those thoughts is important. Fortunately, I have been amping up my self care and it really helps.

When can you and SO get back to that beach? or another one? Sure hope you are planning something.

Yes, thank you SS, we usually take off for at least one day each weekend and go to the ocean. It's raining here now (much needed, we're in a major drought here in No. Ca.) so I am not too sure about this weekend........ but we make a lot of time for US. We're planning another weekend excursion in March, hoping to get one weekend a month to hit the open road! I love just taking off on road trips or really, any kind of traveling.

You guys are just talking about a cruise, right? You better not be planning one behind my back!

We are talking about a cruise and you would most assuredly be included.............instead of wagon circling, as Cedar mentioned, we would be sitting in a circle, watching the moon and stars erupt in the sky.............

My daughter called the house when I was at work and since you have to be here to accept the collect call from the jail, we didn't connect. It's kind of odd that she didn't call me at work, she used to do that all the time. All of these time spans where we don't connect, where I don't know what is up, where she doesn't know that I picked up the car, where I don't know if she is even still in jail, if she got out, or what happened. This really feels like a trip to the land of UNCERTAINTY while I learn to be comfortable there.

I find my mind wandering to her but I seem to be able to redirect it elsewhere, into the present moment. I imagine that old neuro-pathway......you know the one........fear, sorrow, paralysis, joylessness........ which I imagine as quite the large ditch............ and as in that Zen parable, I don't have to fall in, I can walk around it and go down a different path. I feel so appreciative that I can do that. I recall with great clarity, how falling in the ditch was all I could do.......... so this is good.

Here is another quote I am pondering..........."Day in and day out, you'll find that you notice sooner when you're hooked, and it will be easier to refrain. If you continue to do that, a kind of shedding happens--a shedding of old habits, a shedding of being run around by pleasure and pain, a shedding of being held hostage by the eight worldly concerns. (four pairs of opposites: pleasure and pain, gain and loss, fame and disgrace, praise and blame) Awakening is not a process of building ourselves up but a process of letting go. It's a process of relaxing in the middle--the paradoxical, ambiguous middle, full of potential, full of new ways of thinking and seeing--with absolutely no money-back guarantee of what will happen next."

This process with my daughter has been an awakening for me. Oddly, through all of the pain, the suffering, the fear......it's brought me to a different place, where the work of detaching from her has brought me to an understanding of that uncertainty and the knowledge that the next step we take is ALWAYS into the great unknown. We can fear it or we can welcome it. It's a choice. I'm learning to choose differently.

 

[Childofmine]

But when we refrain, we're allowing ourselves to feel the uncertainty--that edgy, restless, energy--without trying to escape. The escape routes are there, but we're not using them. We're getting in touch with the feeling of fundamental uneasiness and relaxing with it rather then being run around by our thoughts and emotions."

RE, this hits me full in the face. I am doing this right now. For the first time ever, not responding, even when I feel urges, sometimes strong urges, to KNOW and to SAY and to INFLUENCE...let's call it what it is...CONTROL. I am not doing it.

This really feels like a trip to the land of UNCERTAINTY while I learn to be comfortable there

And then, this is what is next. Living in the land of Uncertainty. Ugh. And this reminds me of a recent post of Cedar's where she talked about the DNA of mother and child---how incredibly strong that cord is. It is a thick cord, RE, and it stretches and stretches and stretches. It is our job to cut that cord. And in doing that we are free and we are setting our precious adult children free.

And it is SO hard to let them completely go. It is harder than enabling was and that was the most draining, frustrating and helpless thing I have ever done that seemed to go on absolutely forever.

I had to be completely spent and so sick and tired, RE, to want to change to something---anything---different and I had to have an open mind to listen to a new way.

And now, I am learning this new way, every day, through hard work.

I love this book and I copied these quotes to a page that I will print out and post on my mirror. I will read this book, RE.

Keep telling me and keep showing me, please. You are a teacher. Thank you.

 

[Scent of Cedar *]

Something about Child's response had me remembering this: We had a mother cat and two kittens. They were all so happy together. We didn't want to break up the family, and anticipated watching the kittens grow up and become cherished pets who had never had to experience the trauma of having been taken from their mother.

One day, out of the blue...the mother turned on her kittens. She did not necessarily hate them. But she certainly didn't like them. She would hiss and strike out at them when they tried to nurse and eventually, whenever they came to her for cuddling or warmth or support.

That is nature's way.

Cedar

 

[SeekingStrength]

And it is SO hard to let them completely go. It is harder than enabling was and that was the most draining, frustrating and helpless thing I have ever done that seemed to go on absolutely forever.
I had to be completely spent and so sick and tired, RE, to want to change to something---anything---different and I had to have an open mind to listen to a new way.

COM....What a succinct description of my experience.

I am still working on Codependent No More, with plenty of recommended reading after that one.

 

[Scent of Cedar *]

Gosh, there's just so much that is good in this thread that I wanted to put it on top again.

Cedar

 

[Scent of Cedar *]

Recovering? Know that I am there, that we all are there, as you work through this time, this challenge, these feelings, this layer.

Remember that it is the situation that is unpleasant, the situation that is impossible. Whatever you do is not going to feel right; whatever happens next is going to require more strength than you have, more stamina than you knew existed.

Would you like to borrow my spitting tobacco?

There is just something about a good expectoration.

Cedar