Adoptee Insight

[Frazzledmom]

The other thread was getting a bit long so I thought I'd start a new one. Thanks to all of the adoptees who weighed in. I just can't know what it's like for my son and your thoughts are appreciated. It's making me sad though because I'm not sure what else I can do to help him. He won't talk to anyone, won't read, won't search (we've offered). This is really his journey and although we are absolutely along for the ride, we're not driving and we can't. It's not respectful of him. I just wish he could communicate...at this point I don't even think he knows what is wrong. Blah. I know the next couple of days will be quiet around here but if anyone has any advice I'd gladly take it!

P.S. Hubby has been reading along with me and says to say thanks to all of you warrior parents!

 

[HaoZi]

Get the book anyway, it's also helpful for you to have an idea of what's going on in his head to some degree even if he doesn't.

 

[toughlovin]

I am glad you started this thread. It occurred to me that there are quite a few adoptive parents on this site but not everyone might have read the other thread. I too found it really helpful to hear the experiences of the adoptees who shared. Once again thank you! One book I read that was also helpful was called "20 things adopted kids wish their adoptive parents knew". My PD daughter looked at the back cover and said yes yes and yes. I know my sons therapist here at home thought a lot of his issues were related to his adoption. He was encouraging him to search. We too have always been open about it, and let him know we were totally supportive of him contacting his birth mother. It would be a very easy search because the adoption is semi open and he can get the info pretty easily. She has also written to him several times so I know she would be open to seeing him.

It is interesting to me how different kids are. When he was little he asked us lots of questions about adoption which we always answered.... then at some point he kind of shut down about it at least around us. Of course he wasn't sharing anything with us at that point. My daughter asked few questions when she was young, but became more open about it as a teen.

Anyway i know it is an issue for him... but as you say it is his journey and we can be there to support him but we can't do this for him.

It is interesting to me that when you look at statistics the number of adopted kids in therapeutic schools and settings is huge compared to the rate of adoption in the US. When my son was at a therapeutic school I noticed that almost all the kids were dealing with some issues of loss (along with other issues)... so maybe it was a parents illness, divorce, or it was adoption.

 

[BusynMember]

Adopted kids are never the same as bio. kids. There is always some feeling of abandonment. I took my daughter to a psychologist who only sees adopted k ids. He is GREAT. No matter whether the kids talk about being adopted or not, they think about it and this can take up a lot of time and cause problems. My younger daughter, who is very well adjusted, said, "I think everyone who is adopted is a Special Needs child." She went through a period of time where she hated her precious birthmother, who I love, because "She left me." I got in touch with her and Jumper saw her e-mails which explained how much she loved her and why she had given her to us and how we both loved each other...it seemed to have really helped. My other daughter who is adopted from Korea thinks about it too and we have talked about it a lot. I think she feels closer to me because we are open about it. I know she feels *I* love her...she is still trying hard to please her dad. It is also harder for adopted kids to go through a divorce, and my oldest daughter did...then she got involved with drugs...pretty predictable in my opinion. My younger two kids, Sonic and Jumper, have the security at least of an intact home with stability. There is proof that two parent intact families tend to foster happier, less troubled children. My oldest daughter, I'll call her Pastry Chef, has told me that she never felt a sense of family when she was young...hub and I fought a lot and then divorced. I feel so badly about that.

 

[timer lady]

Welcome ~ glad you came out of hiding. I read your other thread with interest. Some states laws are incredibly frustrating ~ does nothing to keep a family intact.

Saying that, my adopted twins have always had issues with sense of self. It came to a head, especially for my ktbug, after my husband died in 2009. For both kt & wm, the main issue dealt with in therapy has been sense of self; sense of family. Recognizing birth family (good, bad & indifferent). Celebrating the differences of bio family & adoptive family. Integrating those differences in our family. husband & I found ourselves using many of the tweedles phrases (that we weren't familiar with), celebrating holidays in different manners yet holding onto our own rituals.

A blended family if you will. Our adoptive children will fight it, embrace it, hate it & love every moment of it.

In the end, wm will choose what he will choose. kt will choose what she will choose. They will each develop a sense of self ~ figure out their place in the world, as will your difficult child.

The hard part is stepping back & allowing this journey after all the blood, sweat, tears & love you've invested thus far. There is little that can be done at this moment other than you've already done.

You've done your job - now difficult child must do his. You will be there if he reaches out (let him know that).

 

[Frazzledmom]

Thank you Linda. I worry that he doesn't have the stamina to deal with this although I suppose he has no choice. He really needs help but refuses...poor kid. We will continue to support him of course but I have decided to try hard and step back and let this play out.