Hi Susieq, welcome to our world. I am very sorry you were looking for us, but I am glad you found us. Your story is a sad one, many of us share a similar experience, it's difficult dealing with mental illness. I'm sure you're exhausted, depleted, frustrated, angry, resentful, sad and worn out. I'm very sorry your husband left you, the feeling of isolation is gripping enough, and now you must feel pretty alone. I'm truly sorry, I understand how much of a struggle it is.
For myself and for many of us, one of the first steps in moving forward is to get ourselves some support. YOU need help too, this is too much for us and it robs you of your own life. If you haven't already, I would get myself into therapy, find a support group, NAMI, National Alliance on Mental Illness has chapters all over and can be accessed online. They have excellent parent groups which will give you the tools you need to deal with your son. In order to begin the process of detachment, you will (in my opinion) need help to do so. You may want to read the article on detachment at the bottom of my post, it is helpful.
You may feel as if this is your lot in life, but there are alternatives, you have to distance yourself somewhat from it to be able to see it clearly and then once you get support, you can start setting boundaries. It becomes very important to figure out what it is you can and want to do, and what it is you can't do and don't want to do and then set about putting those boundaries in place WITH consequences. Your son is bright, and he is likely very manipulative. You are also likely enabling him. I am not judging you, many of us here have enabled our adult kids, we simply did not know how to do it any differently. But we've learned, and you can too. Enabling robs both of you of your lives. You can't control the choices of another but you can learn to respond differently which supports your well being and what your needs are. But, first you have to identify them and recognize you have a right to them .............and that you are not responsible for your son, he is responsible for himself. You didn't create his situation and you can't change it, only he can. But you don't have to be held hostage by his choices, you have every right to live your own life free of guilt.
Getting support from a professional, like a therapist, or a facilitator from NAMI, will give you the necessary tools to learn how to detach from your sons choices and respond in ways that take care of YOU as well. I don't know what the best course of action is for you, there are many options, there is 'healthy dependence' which you can learn about, ...........there are group homes............a social worker from NAMI may direct you to various alternatives............I have a schizophrenic brother who cannot work and he has lived independently for decades on SS disability. I have a bi polar sister who supports herself and advocates for the disabled. There are always choices. You need to find out what they are and find someone to support you and support YOUR choices. You have a right to a life. You deserve a life of your own.
Make a phone call to NAMI. Ask around for a therapist. Go to a 12 step codependency group. Here in No. Ca. the largest HMO offers year long courses for codependent recovery which helps parents of mentally ill adult kids as well as those dealing with substance abuse close connections. There is help out there for you, you just have to look for it. Do that for yourself first, find support for you and then the rest will work itself out as you find out what it is you want to do that cares for YOU.
Keep posting here, there are many wise parents here who have similar stories and they can offer wonderful insight, advice and empathy. I'm very glad you found us, you aren't alone anymore, you've found a group of weary parents who are doing our level best to have some peace and joy in the chaotic world our kids have brought us in to.............welcome..........many gentle hugs coming your way Susieq, we're glad you're here...........