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Adults - but still children in our minds ?
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<blockquote data-quote="scent of cedar" data-source="post: 76828" data-attributes="member: 1721"><p><div class="ubbcode-block"><div class="ubbcode-header">Originally Posted By: goldenguru</div><div class="ubbcode-body"> Quoted by Fran: "but in gg's case, she got her daughter back and she is doing ok"</p><p></p><p>I struggle with this statement Fran. Actually, I never did get my daughter back. I had a daughter ... and it seems that at about 14 years of age I lost her. To drugs. Drinking. Mental illness. Residential treatment. And so on. I literally lost YEARS of her life.</p><p></p><p>I missed proms. Dating. High school clubs. Band concerts. College. </p><p></p><p>I lack those mile stones. Those rights of passage that steer our lives from one season to the next. I am stuck ... I think ... because we never passed over those things that clearly delineate childhood from adulthood.</p><p></p><p>It's like going on a trip. You drive through state after state until you arrive at your destination. Thats what happens when you parent a 'normal' kid.</p><p></p><p>When you parent a troubled kid ... you drive and drive and but its disorienting because even though I have reached 'the destination' ... I didn't pass the mile markers that measured the journey.</p><p></p><p>Yes my daughter is doing well. But, it seems to me that I lost her at about 14. After four years of drama ... she moved out. I have missed those rites of passage that have moved me from being the mother of an early adolescent to the mother of an adult.</p><p></p><p>And just as my 'trip' analogy would leave one a bit disoriented ... it seems that missing those important years in her life have left me disoriented in terms of relating her to as an adult person.</p><p> </div></div></p><p></p><p>I think that trip analogy is a wonderfully concise description, GG.</p><p></p><p>Your comments on proms and engagement parties and dating hit home for me, too.</p><p></p><p>I agree with you.</p><p></p><p>When everything seems to have come to fruition ~ when you can SEE the adults your children will become and then, you lose them, there IS a feeling of disbelief, of disconnect.</p><p></p><p>We have some friends whose children progressed not only normally, but optimally. One child is a doctor and the other, a physicist. (I know! Gag ME with a spoon.... :smile: ) And this is what is different about the relationship these parents have with their children: </p><p></p><p>1) Continuity. For them, there were no treatment centers, no hellish late night phone calls, no weird, unbelievable friends. There was no time when the child came back home and those parents were so afraid to do the wrong thing (again ~ whatever it was) that they were frozen in place.</p><p></p><p>2) An underlying presumption of successful parenting ~ whereas I, as everyone here knows, spent a good ten to twelve years CERTAIN I had parented so poorly that my children had suffered for it.</p><p>I just didn't know what it was I had done wrong. Which meant I did not know what to correct. Which meant I lost confidence in my efficacy as a parent and eventually, as a person.</p><p></p><p>Those parents never went through any of that. </p><p></p><p>In fact, they are so proud and so smug and so vocal about their wonderful, successful children that if I didn't like them so much, I would never spend a second anywhere near them. :blush:</p><p></p><p>But it is interesting for me, to see how that family functions. </p><p></p><p>Disgustingly well, that's how.</p><p></p><p>They both still feel they have the right to dislike the physicist's girlfriend ~ and they make no bones about it.</p><p></p><p>You believe it?</p><p></p><p>I don't know WHAT they are going to do, if he marries her, anyway....</p><p></p><p>In any event, this is what I know about college. Especially in this day and age, your daughter can go back to school any time she wants. No, it isn't what you dreamed for her. But those things you dreamed for her are still in there and one day, she will go back.</p><p></p><p>What I say is we keep any old grief to ourselves. What I tell myself sometimes is "I thought that yesterday." (They say the same series of thoughts runs through our minds over and over ~ and if you think about it, you will realize it, too.) So, catch the negative thought, tell yourself you thought that yesterday (which you probably did), and pick a new, positive thought.</p><p></p><p>Counter it with that same positive thought, every time.</p><p></p><p>This is a technique that has helped me.</p><p></p><p>If I cannot think of something positive in relation to whatever thought it is, then I tell myself again that I already thought this. (Whatever it is ~ and I always HAVE already thought it, about a thousand times).</p><p></p><p>Then, I pick something to replace it with.</p><p></p><p>An image of sunshine or green trees ~ wasn't it you who used to have the beautiful green forest as your picture on the site?</p><p></p><p>I loved that.</p><p></p><p>Or, I say the Serenity Prayer.</p><p></p><p>And ask to have the anger energy changed.</p><p></p><p>I always say the feelings are the enemy. The feelings have taken too much from us already AND FOR NOTHING. (That is why it is important to acknowledge that we already thought whatever it is that is making us feel discouraged.)</p><p></p><p>Fight the feelings any way you know.</p><p></p><p>A musical comedy. Laurel & Hardy. Dean Martin music (Hey! Works for me!)</p><p></p><p>Barbara</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="scent of cedar, post: 76828, member: 1721"] <div class="ubbcode-block"><div class="ubbcode-header">Originally Posted By: goldenguru</div><div class="ubbcode-body"> Quoted by Fran: "but in gg's case, she got her daughter back and she is doing ok" I struggle with this statement Fran. Actually, I never did get my daughter back. I had a daughter ... and it seems that at about 14 years of age I lost her. To drugs. Drinking. Mental illness. Residential treatment. And so on. I literally lost YEARS of her life. I missed proms. Dating. High school clubs. Band concerts. College. I lack those mile stones. Those rights of passage that steer our lives from one season to the next. I am stuck ... I think ... because we never passed over those things that clearly delineate childhood from adulthood. It's like going on a trip. You drive through state after state until you arrive at your destination. Thats what happens when you parent a 'normal' kid. When you parent a troubled kid ... you drive and drive and but its disorienting because even though I have reached 'the destination' ... I didn't pass the mile markers that measured the journey. Yes my daughter is doing well. But, it seems to me that I lost her at about 14. After four years of drama ... she moved out. I have missed those rites of passage that have moved me from being the mother of an early adolescent to the mother of an adult. And just as my 'trip' analogy would leave one a bit disoriented ... it seems that missing those important years in her life have left me disoriented in terms of relating her to as an adult person. </div></div> I think that trip analogy is a wonderfully concise description, GG. Your comments on proms and engagement parties and dating hit home for me, too. I agree with you. When everything seems to have come to fruition ~ when you can SEE the adults your children will become and then, you lose them, there IS a feeling of disbelief, of disconnect. We have some friends whose children progressed not only normally, but optimally. One child is a doctor and the other, a physicist. (I know! Gag ME with a spoon.... [img]:smile:[/img] ) And this is what is different about the relationship these parents have with their children: 1) Continuity. For them, there were no treatment centers, no hellish late night phone calls, no weird, unbelievable friends. There was no time when the child came back home and those parents were so afraid to do the wrong thing (again ~ whatever it was) that they were frozen in place. 2) An underlying presumption of successful parenting ~ whereas I, as everyone here knows, spent a good ten to twelve years CERTAIN I had parented so poorly that my children had suffered for it. I just didn't know what it was I had done wrong. Which meant I did not know what to correct. Which meant I lost confidence in my efficacy as a parent and eventually, as a person. Those parents never went through any of that. In fact, they are so proud and so smug and so vocal about their wonderful, successful children that if I didn't like them so much, I would never spend a second anywhere near them. [img]:blush:[/img] But it is interesting for me, to see how that family functions. Disgustingly well, that's how. They both still feel they have the right to dislike the physicist's girlfriend ~ and they make no bones about it. You believe it? I don't know WHAT they are going to do, if he marries her, anyway.... In any event, this is what I know about college. Especially in this day and age, your daughter can go back to school any time she wants. No, it isn't what you dreamed for her. But those things you dreamed for her are still in there and one day, she will go back. What I say is we keep any old grief to ourselves. What I tell myself sometimes is "I thought that yesterday." (They say the same series of thoughts runs through our minds over and over ~ and if you think about it, you will realize it, too.) So, catch the negative thought, tell yourself you thought that yesterday (which you probably did), and pick a new, positive thought. Counter it with that same positive thought, every time. This is a technique that has helped me. If I cannot think of something positive in relation to whatever thought it is, then I tell myself again that I already thought this. (Whatever it is ~ and I always HAVE already thought it, about a thousand times). Then, I pick something to replace it with. An image of sunshine or green trees ~ wasn't it you who used to have the beautiful green forest as your picture on the site? I loved that. Or, I say the Serenity Prayer. And ask to have the anger energy changed. I always say the feelings are the enemy. The feelings have taken too much from us already AND FOR NOTHING. (That is why it is important to acknowledge that we already thought whatever it is that is making us feel discouraged.) Fight the feelings any way you know. A musical comedy. Laurel & Hardy. Dean Martin music (Hey! Works for me!) Barbara [/QUOTE]
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