Advice please, I need help.

[stephanie1228]

Here's a little background on our family. My husband and I have been married 21 years, we have three daughters. Our oldest is 20 yrs old with a diagnosis of fibromyalgia diagnosed during adolescence. Our middle daughter is 10 years old and has an extensive medical history. She was born with Biliary atresia, polysplenia syndrome. She's had multiple surgeries, including a liver transplant at 7 months old. She is a very active, happy go lucky kid.
*Our youngest is 4 years old, she has been a difficult child from the beginning. Constant crying from the time we brought her home from the hospital. We thought it was acid reflux/colicky baby. Acid reflux medications, change of formula, etc... didn't seem to help much, if any at all. Over the years her behavior seems to get worse and worse. Our home is just pure chaos anymore. She is extremely bossy, mean, demanding, and throws fits about anything and everything, very moody. Everything is a fight. It's a fight to get her to follow the rules, to get dressed, to do anything. I am at my wits end. It is to the point that I don't even like to take her out into public because she now also misbehaves there too. She also is very shy, and acts oddly when in social situations. It takes a very long time for her to warm up to people, even family members. We can see the same people weekly, and she won't talk to them, if they talk to her she gets angry, and uncomfortable. She has her 4 yr old well child check up next week and I plan to talk to the pediatrician about her behavior. My motherly instinct is telling me this has to be more than just being spoiled. Any advice? Suggestions? I suspect she has oppositional defiant disorder, but I am at a loss, I just don't know how to help her, or how to parent her.

 

[InsaneCdn]

and acts oddly when in social situations. It takes a very long time for her to warm up to people, even family members

Red flag...
First, this is NOT due to your parenting. You have TWO other "normal" kids to prove it.
You will be dealing with a kid who is "wired differently".

I'd suggest requesting a referral for a comprehensive evaluation... a team out of a university or teaching hospital, PhD-level Psychologist with extensive testing experience, or if you're in the US, a neuropsychologist.

Meanwhile, because those appointments tend to NOT be "tomorrow"...
Can you tell us more about her? What was she like as a baby and toddler, quirks, habits, traits... any interesting dxes in the family tree... that kind of thing?

And you might want to read books like The Explosive Child by Ross Greene.

 

[stephanie1228]

After posting, I came across a summary of the explosive child, and let me say this fits her. Wow! She is easily frustrated, and almost always angry. We never know what her mood will be or how she will re-act to any given situation. As an infant she cried a lot, and I mean in the evenings she would just scream, it didn't seem to matter what we did, nothing helped. She's always been very clingy to me. I am a stay at home mom and have been with the other two kids also. I noticed compared to my other two children, she just didn't smile a lot. I have very few pictures with her smiling. I also watch my nieces, and nephews off and on through out being at home. It seems any bad habit they had she would do. Even things that she hadn't done in the past. For example, 2 of the children I was watching (ages 2,and 3) would constantly put things in their mouths. My daughter then began putting everything in her mouth! Even though she hadn't since she was very little. She gets angry about not getting her way, then throws fits, yells, blames me for everything, sometimes throws things at me. Her motor skills seem to be on track, she was a little slower to talk, but she also had hearing problems due to chronic ear infections (she's on her second set of ear tubes). After her hearing got better she began talking, and talks very well with a good sized vocabulary. She's seems to be on track for intelligence. When I took her for her preschool testing, they said academically she didn't need preschool, but socially she does, so she is on the wait list to get in. She wouldn't even do the screening without me, but suprisingly she did cooperate with-the teacher. It's like walking on eggshells, I never know what kind of mood she's going to be in, or how she will behave. Lately she misbehaves way more than she behaves. My husband comes from a large family, and the majority of his siblings have been diagnosed as bipolar. I have a niece that is bipolar and a nephew that is ADHD on my side. My mother suffered from anxiety, and social problems. One of my sisters also has anxiety. So there is a lot mental disorders. I also have a great nephew who is autistic. My daughter makes faces, noises at us whenever we say anything that she may not agree with. Socially she is just different. When someone approaches her, child or adult, she turns her face into me, typically she won't even look at them, sometimes she does, but not usually. And she takes forever to warm up to anyone. There are very few people in her life, that she will even associate with. Family members that we see regularly she sometimes will talk to them or she will totally ignore them, and make faces at them. It's hard for me to explain. I know it isn't normal, I know she's shy, but I am not 100% that's all it is. She still sleeps with us, she has to hold my finger to go to sleep, and any time she is uncomfortable with her surroundings she holds my finger/hand. She has recently started having to rub my thumbs 4 times each before I take a shower. Yes, I know this maybe an Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD) thing......ugh...... I waited so long to ask for help dr wise, because our office changes pediatricians constantly, and I don't feel comfortable with the one we have now, but I am desperate, and I know she needs help, and we need help as a family. I also think I was in denial, how could I have another child with medical problems? I just feel like she is rarely happy regardless of what we do. Its like a constant rage and frustration. Time outs rarely work, at least not for long. I don't agree with spanking, but we've tried that too. Loss of toys, she just keeps going and going on and on about whatever she's angry about. So I just send her to her room, because I don't know what else to do.

 

[BusynMember]

I would have her see a neuropsychologist. She may be differently wired, as in a form of autism.

 

[InsaneCdn]

You have bi-polar on one side of the family, and autism on the other...
Challenges DO tend to run in families.

Ditto on that comprehensive evaluation... you really need to know what you are dealing with.
At this age, you may not get a complete answer. Some things don't really show up well on testing until later.
But any dxes you can get now are going to help.

 

[stephanie1228]

Thank you for the replies, I'm curious to see what the pedi thinks/suggests. At least I don't feel as alone since I've found this site.