Aww, sweetie. ((hugs))
Tells me you're one heck of a mom to take on half the blame, if not all the blame, for your son's behavior.
And yeah, ok, so you spoiled him as a kid. Yup. That probably wasn't a good idea, and no it didn't prepare him that life was not going to just hand him stuff.
BUT (love those buts by the way lol ) He is an Adult. He's been an adult for 10 yrs. A decade, for Pete's sake. He alone is responsible for his own decisions.
Now, my Mom severely abused and neglected me as a child. So by your reasoning, if I as an adult chose to abuse and neglect my children, I'd have good reason to do so......and not only that, my Mom would carry at least (if not all) of the blame.
However, as an adult........actually as a very young teen........I made the conscious decision not to either abuse or neglect my children. And throughout my adult life have made uncountable decisions to uphold that one.
Now why would I do that if my Mom taught me to abuse and neglect by her parenting of me? Well, there are other influences in our lives just as important as our parents where we learn valuable life lessons. Extended family, school, work, friends, interacting in society at large. And while my mother was abusing and neglecting me at home.......I saw that most people didn't treat their children that way, and those people I watched and learned from on how to parent my own kids.
Your son had the same outside of the home feedback over the "spoiling" issue, trust me. Now what he decided to do with that feedback was totally up to him.
Not to mention the fact that I've known more than my fair share of kids who were rotten spoiled and yet turned out just fine as adults.
Hindsight is 20/20. We do the best with what we know how to do at the time. It's not an excuse, it's just a simple statement of the truth. Now you're trying to learn more so that you can do better, and that is always a good thing. We all grow and learn as we age, learning never stops.
And as DF said, we also as human beings tend to get ourselves into habitual behavior patterns. Most of the time this is a good thing, but sometimes it causes us to shoot ourselves in the foot. That you recognize what behavior was not the best approach with your difficult child, is a huge first step to changing that behavior because habits are hard to break.
I also used to think that my active parenting days were over once my kids hit adulthood. Wow. That couldn't have been further from the truth. However it's more of a guidance role now than discipline and I speak up rarely and only when I think it's really a necessary thing to do. I will also say that even though I didn't spoil my kids, I was too poor for it to ever be an issue, as an adult they found out rather quickly there were things mom suddenly stopped doing for them or helping them with......a rather long list as it was basically everything. And even for easy child to some degree, it was a bit of a shock....even kids have to adjust to their new roles.
So. Now you realize that difficult child needs to face the consequences of his behavior in order to learn those important life lessons. Yup. A very good thing, for both you and difficult child. And from here forward you should practice your detachment skills in order to let difficult child face the consequences on his own for the choices he makes. But what you should not do, and what is not good for you to do, is to take on the guilt, the blame of the choices he makes as an adult. He has his own mind, and as an adult he has to take responsibility for his own actions.
You are not a bad parent. You are not to blame. None of us here are perfect or know everything. That you are here seeking new ways of learning to help your difficult child speaks volumes all by itself. Kids don't come with an instruction manual.
(((hugs)))