Almost There
- Thread starter Carolita2
- Start date
AppleCori
Well-Known Member
Hey Carolita,
How are you doing?
I know things are tough for you right now.
You have several relatives that depend on you, through no fault of their own. Disabilities, illnesses, old age. I am glad you are there for them.
Your son should be there for you. At least emotionally. You have enough on your plate.
My grandmother is in her nineties, and someone has to be with her round the clock. I help out often, though I can't do as much as others because I live several hundred miles away. I go as often as I can, and I'm more flexible than some can be because I homeschool my daughter.
Have you heard anything from you son?
At some point you may need to get the advise of a lawyer, to find out what your options are, with the apartment situation.
Stay strong.
Apple
How are you doing?
I know things are tough for you right now.
You have several relatives that depend on you, through no fault of their own. Disabilities, illnesses, old age. I am glad you are there for them.
Your son should be there for you. At least emotionally. You have enough on your plate.
My grandmother is in her nineties, and someone has to be with her round the clock. I help out often, though I can't do as much as others because I live several hundred miles away. I go as often as I can, and I'm more flexible than some can be because I homeschool my daughter.
Have you heard anything from you son?
At some point you may need to get the advise of a lawyer, to find out what your options are, with the apartment situation.
Stay strong.
Apple
Carolita2
Member
Good news....son and girlfriend put in 30 day termination notice...we were cc'd the text..still feels unnatural knowing they may end up on the street. But we are grateful that we know that by November 15th we're done with rent..for the first time in a year...like child support is over....
Staying in the moment getting my work done..'
Staying in the moment getting my work done..'
Carolita2
Member
Thanks Apple...Yes we all have other people and things in our lives...you're right..no fault of their own...but even with them I need to set boundaries sometimes. I told my 89 year old mother as I dropped off a rose and a card for her birthday, that we will have lunch and a little outing next week as I simply can't this week..I am learning that I have issues with people pleasing and taking care of me..even if it hurts me..It was a small victory to tell her that because she usually gets mad about those kinds of things...and she didn't!
Thanks for reaching out to me today...it is a better day...and my motto about a better day is "run with it"!
I hope that you had a good day as well....Are things going along ok with your gang?
Carolita
Thanks for reaching out to me today...it is a better day...and my motto about a better day is "run with it"!
I hope that you had a good day as well....Are things going along ok with your gang?
Carolita
AppleCori
Well-Known Member
Yeah!
Frankly I am surprised that they put in the notice. Realistically, he could have made this a lot harder.
It feels terrible knowing that your adult child might be homeless, but it is not your fault in any way. You have supported them for a year, in the area they chose to live, to try and help them get on their feet. Unfortunately, you could not force them to take advantage their good luck and help themselves.
It is hard, but what is the alternative? Support them for the rest of your life? Then what happens, when you are gone?
Frankly I am surprised that they put in the notice. Realistically, he could have made this a lot harder.
It feels terrible knowing that your adult child might be homeless, but it is not your fault in any way. You have supported them for a year, in the area they chose to live, to try and help them get on their feet. Unfortunately, you could not force them to take advantage their good luck and help themselves.
It is hard, but what is the alternative? Support them for the rest of your life? Then what happens, when you are gone?
AppleCori
Well-Known Member
Oh, you probably learned your 'people pleasing' skills early on, I'm guessing.
Yes, you may need to re-evaluate what you can realistically do for everyone. And that's OK. You have to look out for yourself too.
My grandmother is grateful for the help, and not at all demanding, though she is getting really anxious when someone throws anything out. I usually clean out the fridge really well when I go, and she seems to think I am throwing out perfectly good stuff, when of course, I am not going to do that. Just trying to keep everyone healthy. But other than that, she is pretty easy to help.
My kids are doing well, one daughter getting married next spring, her twin looking at buying a house (they have always lived together so quite a life change). My son is well, never a problem.
Both step-sons are not really talking to their dad right now. They are mad at him for being upset at their latest Difficult Child-ness.
And so it goes.
Yes, you may need to re-evaluate what you can realistically do for everyone. And that's OK. You have to look out for yourself too.
My grandmother is grateful for the help, and not at all demanding, though she is getting really anxious when someone throws anything out. I usually clean out the fridge really well when I go, and she seems to think I am throwing out perfectly good stuff, when of course, I am not going to do that. Just trying to keep everyone healthy. But other than that, she is pretty easy to help.
My kids are doing well, one daughter getting married next spring, her twin looking at buying a house (they have always lived together so quite a life change). My son is well, never a problem.
Both step-sons are not really talking to their dad right now. They are mad at him for being upset at their latest Difficult Child-ness.
And so it goes.
Carolita2
Member
Carolita2
Member
We have made some progress in not helping our adult older son and his girlfriend..Gone from full support to breaking the lease on their apartment and sending no money sonce bring on this website. We did offer to fix his car for his bd 2 weeks ago but they have taken no action. The utilities in apt are shut down, no jobs, food (used all foodstamps for month) When we do communicate we hear how they cannot believe how cruel we are, etc.. very hard to understand this doing nothing about anything lifestyle. They must vacate the premises by Nov 15th. The car too. Ok it's registered in my name .Wonder how to change that? Before tow and inpound..
Think we should go no contact again..It seems like contact is perpetuating the dialogue that feeds the codependence...should we sign off and say something.. really want to keep moving forward..it's awful to say but the burden of what they are going through is too much to hear without getting torn up risking relapsing into helping again..
Think we should go no contact again..It seems like contact is perpetuating the dialogue that feeds the codependence...should we sign off and say something.. really want to keep moving forward..it's awful to say but the burden of what they are going through is too much to hear without getting torn up risking relapsing into helping again..
AppleCori
Well-Known Member
It is hard!
But they have left you no choice.
Your options are to support them for the rest of your lives, allowing them to destroy themselves on your dime, or pulling the plug on the money and letting them figure it out for themselves.
Maybe, when they realize that no one is going to support them while they do drugs, they will try another lifestyle.
Whatever they choose, it is their lives to live. Not yours. You can't make them do anything.
And your 'helping' hasn't helped.
We have all been there done that. It never works with our DCs.
I would sign the car over to your son as soon as possible and then go no-contact. The sooner they realize that you won't be coming to their rescue once again, the sooner they will have to make their own plans. They can do it. They just prefer that you do it for them.
I hope you had a good weekend.
Apple
But they have left you no choice.
Your options are to support them for the rest of your lives, allowing them to destroy themselves on your dime, or pulling the plug on the money and letting them figure it out for themselves.
Maybe, when they realize that no one is going to support them while they do drugs, they will try another lifestyle.
Whatever they choose, it is their lives to live. Not yours. You can't make them do anything.
And your 'helping' hasn't helped.
We have all been there done that. It never works with our DCs.
I would sign the car over to your son as soon as possible and then go no-contact. The sooner they realize that you won't be coming to their rescue once again, the sooner they will have to make their own plans. They can do it. They just prefer that you do it for them.
I hope you had a good weekend.
Apple
Carolita2
Member
Am really getting that..girlfriend's dad is in agreement so one less enabler..Will find out how to unregister the car or transfer the registration to my son.
Trying to focus on self care, have to. Thanks for your backup.
This is very anti intuitive and I need to constantly remind myself that it is the right thing to do and as you pointed out that they left us no choice..and that was their choice..
Thanks and have a good day..
Carolita
Trying to focus on self care, have to. Thanks for your backup.
This is very anti intuitive and I need to constantly remind myself that it is the right thing to do and as you pointed out that they left us no choice..and that was their choice..
Thanks and have a good day..
Carolita
New Leaf
Well-Known Member
Hi Carolita, so sorry for your troubles, so hard, very, very hard. You have found a good place here, with wonderful people who reach out and give sound advice and support.
Right now, hubs and I are in no contact land. It is a strange, yet peaceful time after years of enabling behavior.
Guess I should check out this one more often as well!
I am fortified by your strength.
Keep posting, there are many here, and we learn from one another.
(((HUGS)))
You are doing remarkably well, dear and you are correct, you are left with no choice, and that is their choice.
Right now, hubs and I are in no contact land. It is a strange, yet peaceful time after years of enabling behavior.
Yes, Carolita, come on over to P.E. I would have found your story sooner there. For some reason, I have found myself drawn to that forum.
Guess I should check out this one more often as well!
I am fortified by your strength.
Keep posting, there are many here, and we learn from one another.
(((HUGS)))
Carolita2
Member
Thanks New Leaf (love your handle!) For your kind words and support..If we have no contact it's amazing how much better we feel.. The opposite used to be true as we were so focused on his plight and I think took ownership of it. I am understanding better now that it's not mine. When I began to see how unwilling he is to do the simplest things with our support, things changed for me. It just isn't possible to make that horse drink the water! I love my son with all my heart but I think I think it's the son I used to know not who he is today...that notion has helped with the grief...November 15th they must turn over the key to the landlord...I would like to hear more of your story, too. See you at Emeritus!
Take care, Carolita
New Leaf
Well-Known Member
Your very welcome Carolita, your handle is like a lovely birdsong! I am glad you are doing so well. It is hard, so not what we wish for our children, sigh. It is up to them to choose.
Yes, I am tired of being snapped at and disrespected. I did not raise my kids like that and frankly, do not know who they are at this point. It is healthier for me to just be and let it be.
Yup, can't make um drink. It becomes a matter of give and take, we gave-they took.
I too, think the same way. I told my boy just yesterday that I missed his sisters, not the them they are now, the them they were before. He said "Yup Mom, me too." We leave it at that.
Hope all works out on the 15th-fingers crossed.
My story is over there at P.E. you are welcome to check it out. You take care too, dear.
Keep on posting, it really, really helps to have a bunch of cyber friends rooting for us!
Carolita2
Member
Thanks New Leaf..going to PE to read your story after this post...Went to Naranon tonight..helpful to hear everyone similar to this..Have you ever tried it?
I'm anxious at times and have trouble sleeping.. In 2 weeks son and girlfriend will have to leave apt..girlfriend says son is not accepting it at all, via text...I worry that he is not right at all. Never accepts and still blames everyone else. Just have to keep the focus on me right now..and live in my day...I'm doing these breathing exercises and walking everyday..Still finding some joy in each day and grateful for many things..so glad I'm not alone..
I'm anxious at times and have trouble sleeping.. In 2 weeks son and girlfriend will have to leave apt..girlfriend says son is not accepting it at all, via text...I worry that he is not right at all. Never accepts and still blames everyone else. Just have to keep the focus on me right now..and live in my day...I'm doing these breathing exercises and walking everyday..Still finding some joy in each day and grateful for many things..so glad I'm not alone..
New Leaf
Well-Known Member
I went to counseling and was suggested to go to Alanon, but where to find the time? I have found this place to be very helpful, and anonymity suits me. I do volunteer work in my community, and would rather my story not be out there for that small whole world, if you know what I mean. This way, I don't have to fret about my privacy, and my D c's.
Yes Carolita, focus on you, breath, walk and find joy.
It is so important, life is too short.
Our D c's would rather have us curling up in a ball of misery, if it meant we would still enable them.
I found that to be unacceptable, Carolita. For, me, my husband and my son.
You know what? It is also for them, my D c's.
Somewhere down the road, they might just ask me, "Why didn't you stop us, Mom?"
So now, I can say I did.
I stopped them from walking all over me.
They will have to think long and hard before they pick up that phone.
They best be making things right with themselves, before they come knocking at my door.
And that is just the way it has got to be, in order for me to breath.
Peace be with you!
I know the worry, and also the manipulation to draw me back in. It has all been so awfully, awfully tiresome. I do not want to live the rest of my life like that, just because my D c's do.
Ahhhh the blame. It is a game. Don't get caught up in it.
Yes Carolita, focus on you, breath, walk and find joy.
It is so important, life is too short.
Our D c's would rather have us curling up in a ball of misery, if it meant we would still enable them.
I found that to be unacceptable, Carolita. For, me, my husband and my son.
You know what? It is also for them, my D c's.
Somewhere down the road, they might just ask me, "Why didn't you stop us, Mom?"
So now, I can say I did.
I stopped them from walking all over me.
They will have to think long and hard before they pick up that phone.
They best be making things right with themselves, before they come knocking at my door.
And that is just the way it has got to be, in order for me to breath.
Peace be with you!
Carolita2
Member
So amazing..that you would ask me that question. Today they got the car to a mechanic and are trying to establish with USPS a place for their mail to go after the 15th..Her dad is talking to her almost daily and said he will fly her home anytime she feels she has had enough.The dad told me that..I feel sad for my son who doesn't know that..But there is no indication of that when talking to her, they seem together still. So she is getting strong and called and texted all day telling what they were up to. This is VERY different behavior.. She is planning on getting a job this weekend! Talked to son once and he was angry and blaming but apologized. He sounds the opposite down and defeated.. So whatever all this means and if it lasts remains to be seen...but it is an unexpected turn...
Just for today..
Thanks for asking. Feedback welcome..
Carolita
Just for today..
Thanks for asking. Feedback welcome..
Carolita
Last edited:
