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Am I being too sensitive? A vent about family.
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<blockquote data-quote="Star*" data-source="post: 321307" data-attributes="member: 4964"><p>Hi Jo, </p><p></p><p>Family get-to-gethers in some families could be likened to cleaning out the stables at the Budweiser clydesdale farm. Lots of pretty things to look at from the front and then once everyone has seen everyone it's all horse apples and hauling loads of manure. </p><p></p><p>My x inlaws were perfectionists in the art of things like this. One Christmas right after Dude was born my Mom came for a visit. Keep in mind I lived ONE house away from them. ONE. Walking, no literally spitting distance. My brother in law earlier that year had filed for a divorce and started dating this woman. My other brother in law was dating a woman everyone sat around and talked about and no one liked. There were two sisters as well who brought their kids and everyone was there at my xmil baking cookies and listening to Christmas music. </p><p></p><p>My Mom and I decided to bake some cookies. I was out of baking powder and had no idea that anyone was at my xmil house. None. I got no call, no invite, nothing. I walked in, and to my surprise there sitting in the den having a cookie party with all the trimmings were the two sisters, the girlfriend everyone hated and talked about, the new girlfriend who turned out to be 10 years younger than my brother in law (she was 18- a literal jail bait and not that nice either) a friend of the family which everyone also talked about, all the kids in the living room watching a Christmas show and my mother in law looking like a cat who ate a mouse because she had everyone pull their car into the back yard so I wouldn't see it, but said it was so they could carry their cookie trays out the back door. Which would be good if she had a back door. She had a side door - no farther from the front yard than the back. </p><p></p><p>WOW. When I walked in? Everyone got stone quiet. I mean you could have heard a pin drop. Except for the music and the TV. I said "Gee, cookie party huh? That's nice that you can all get together and play nice when you all talk about each other so ugly the rest of the year. Can I borrow some baking soda?" Of course mother in law handed me a box with a look of 'I will kill you later' and I said "It's amazing how you keep the two of them in the same room after what she said about her....and I looked at the girlfriend no one liked and said 'well they must have dug deep for Christmas Spirit to let you come after what I overheard I didn't think you'd get through the front door." and I left." </p><p></p><p>Consequently I wasn't invited to any parties before than, and none after that. Didn't care much either, but come to think of it there wasn't any cookie parties after that either. I think I ruined that. <img src="/community/styles/default/xenforo/smilies/felttip/ashamed.png" class="smilie" loading="lazy" alt=":ashamed:" title="ashamed :ashamed:" data-shortname=":ashamed:" /></p><p></p><p>My point being - I wasn't really upset that I was not there with that group of hyeniahs. I never felt welcome with them anyway. They weren't fun, they talked about everyone, they were mean, gossipy and pretty much treated everyone like what you muck out of a horse stall. What hurt is, was and always will be is the sense of not being included. Being picked last on the team, not being asked to go to lunch in the office full of girls....not being wanted. That's what hurts. So you have to consider the source. </p><p></p><p>Do you really, knowing your sister would you want her to include you in her plans for future outings? If she called you every day and said "Jo, I want you with me X, and X and X." would it make you feel wanted or would it make you feel uncomfortable. If it did make you feel wanted; how long do you think it would be before you would start bowing out of things to get away from her because you know her ways? </p><p></p><p>SO this was a special occasion. What makes it special? Your nephew and his wife show up. The problem being the nephew showed up and didn't call YOU. So, my thought is the problem isn't really with your sister, it's with the nephew. In this you have two choices. You can either corner him and say "WHY didn't you tell ME you were coming in and include me and H in your plans when you went to Aunt Fakeys house?" and well - that would answer your own question. OR you could approach him and say "Okay Mister - Next year - when you drive down to XX's house for Tday- WE insist you stop over at OUR house first, I won't accept any excuses, deal? We were so sorry we missed you and your wife XX." That is if you really missed him and his wife XX. </p><p></p><p>If you didn't? Problem solved - Nephew snotwad and his stuckup wife can just as well go to sister Fakeyfake whenever and leave you out of it. </p><p></p><p>As far as bowing out? Yup. I would say "I have other plans that conflict on both days, here's the cash, I've already called (list important family members that need to know before you tell HER) and then say "I know you will have a good time." Don't apologize....Don't make small talk. Just bow out with grace and dignity. </p><p></p><p>Sometimes it's not the fact that our feelings are hurt - it's figuring out WHY our feelings are hurt and recognizing who hurt them. This time unless your nephew said "Hey call auntie Jo and let her know we're here." and she just did not? This one is on your nephew for not calling. He knew he was coming, and he's a grown man, he could have called you just as quick and easy as her. That she didn't call you isn't her responsibility. (sorry not sticking up for her) it would have been a nice gesture, but not her responsibility. However if he did say "Hey can you call Auntie Jo for me I'm beat?" and she just "forgot" (Know what I mean?) then yeah - she's a horse apple, but you knew that - and are over her....so get over it, and approach your nephew with the "HEY MISTER next year" line and let it go and don't ruin your holiday. </p><p></p><p>Also - just an afterthought.... IF (big IF) you think that you WOULD have fun with the others in your family on either outing? Go. If you don't? Don't and plan something ELSE...but don't just sit home and do nothing. Plan an instead outing...and go. <img src="data:image/gif;base64,R0lGODlhAQABAIAAAAAAAP///yH5BAEAAAAALAAAAAABAAEAAAIBRAA7" class="smilie smilie--sprite smilie--sprite2" alt=";)" title="Wink ;)" loading="lazy" data-shortname=";)" /> - Like -----Take Star to Radio City Music Hall day.....<img src="data:image/gif;base64,R0lGODlhAQABAIAAAAAAAP///yH5BAEAAAAALAAAAAABAAEAAAIBRAA7" class="smilie smilie--sprite smilie--sprite2" alt=";)" title="Wink ;)" loading="lazy" data-shortname=";)" /><img src="data:image/gif;base64,R0lGODlhAQABAIAAAAAAAP///yH5BAEAAAAALAAAAAABAAEAAAIBRAA7" class="smilie smilie--sprite smilie--sprite8" alt=":D" title="Big Grin :D" loading="lazy" data-shortname=":D" /></p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Star*, post: 321307, member: 4964"] Hi Jo, Family get-to-gethers in some families could be likened to cleaning out the stables at the Budweiser clydesdale farm. Lots of pretty things to look at from the front and then once everyone has seen everyone it's all horse apples and hauling loads of manure. My x inlaws were perfectionists in the art of things like this. One Christmas right after Dude was born my Mom came for a visit. Keep in mind I lived ONE house away from them. ONE. Walking, no literally spitting distance. My brother in law earlier that year had filed for a divorce and started dating this woman. My other brother in law was dating a woman everyone sat around and talked about and no one liked. There were two sisters as well who brought their kids and everyone was there at my xmil baking cookies and listening to Christmas music. My Mom and I decided to bake some cookies. I was out of baking powder and had no idea that anyone was at my xmil house. None. I got no call, no invite, nothing. I walked in, and to my surprise there sitting in the den having a cookie party with all the trimmings were the two sisters, the girlfriend everyone hated and talked about, the new girlfriend who turned out to be 10 years younger than my brother in law (she was 18- a literal jail bait and not that nice either) a friend of the family which everyone also talked about, all the kids in the living room watching a Christmas show and my mother in law looking like a cat who ate a mouse because she had everyone pull their car into the back yard so I wouldn't see it, but said it was so they could carry their cookie trays out the back door. Which would be good if she had a back door. She had a side door - no farther from the front yard than the back. WOW. When I walked in? Everyone got stone quiet. I mean you could have heard a pin drop. Except for the music and the TV. I said "Gee, cookie party huh? That's nice that you can all get together and play nice when you all talk about each other so ugly the rest of the year. Can I borrow some baking soda?" Of course mother in law handed me a box with a look of 'I will kill you later' and I said "It's amazing how you keep the two of them in the same room after what she said about her....and I looked at the girlfriend no one liked and said 'well they must have dug deep for Christmas Spirit to let you come after what I overheard I didn't think you'd get through the front door." and I left." Consequently I wasn't invited to any parties before than, and none after that. Didn't care much either, but come to think of it there wasn't any cookie parties after that either. I think I ruined that. :ashamed: My point being - I wasn't really upset that I was not there with that group of hyeniahs. I never felt welcome with them anyway. They weren't fun, they talked about everyone, they were mean, gossipy and pretty much treated everyone like what you muck out of a horse stall. What hurt is, was and always will be is the sense of not being included. Being picked last on the team, not being asked to go to lunch in the office full of girls....not being wanted. That's what hurts. So you have to consider the source. Do you really, knowing your sister would you want her to include you in her plans for future outings? If she called you every day and said "Jo, I want you with me X, and X and X." would it make you feel wanted or would it make you feel uncomfortable. If it did make you feel wanted; how long do you think it would be before you would start bowing out of things to get away from her because you know her ways? SO this was a special occasion. What makes it special? Your nephew and his wife show up. The problem being the nephew showed up and didn't call YOU. So, my thought is the problem isn't really with your sister, it's with the nephew. In this you have two choices. You can either corner him and say "WHY didn't you tell ME you were coming in and include me and H in your plans when you went to Aunt Fakeys house?" and well - that would answer your own question. OR you could approach him and say "Okay Mister - Next year - when you drive down to XX's house for Tday- WE insist you stop over at OUR house first, I won't accept any excuses, deal? We were so sorry we missed you and your wife XX." That is if you really missed him and his wife XX. If you didn't? Problem solved - Nephew snotwad and his stuckup wife can just as well go to sister Fakeyfake whenever and leave you out of it. As far as bowing out? Yup. I would say "I have other plans that conflict on both days, here's the cash, I've already called (list important family members that need to know before you tell HER) and then say "I know you will have a good time." Don't apologize....Don't make small talk. Just bow out with grace and dignity. Sometimes it's not the fact that our feelings are hurt - it's figuring out WHY our feelings are hurt and recognizing who hurt them. This time unless your nephew said "Hey call auntie Jo and let her know we're here." and she just did not? This one is on your nephew for not calling. He knew he was coming, and he's a grown man, he could have called you just as quick and easy as her. That she didn't call you isn't her responsibility. (sorry not sticking up for her) it would have been a nice gesture, but not her responsibility. However if he did say "Hey can you call Auntie Jo for me I'm beat?" and she just "forgot" (Know what I mean?) then yeah - she's a horse apple, but you knew that - and are over her....so get over it, and approach your nephew with the "HEY MISTER next year" line and let it go and don't ruin your holiday. Also - just an afterthought.... IF (big IF) you think that you WOULD have fun with the others in your family on either outing? Go. If you don't? Don't and plan something ELSE...but don't just sit home and do nothing. Plan an instead outing...and go. :winking: - Like -----Take Star to Radio City Music Hall day.....:winking::happy: [/QUOTE]
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