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am I doing the right thing.....
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<blockquote data-quote="keista" data-source="post: 436823" data-attributes="member: 11965"><p>in my opinion it doesn't sound like you are doing the "right" thing for him. are there EVER any consequences for his behavior? (please keep reading, I'm not trying to be mean)</p><p></p><p>From the scenario you described, it sounds like you, as a parent haven't transitioned, from understanding that there are deeper issues, to taking control of them. I too am concerned that you don't have a diagnosis. Without one, what do you think his issues are? How are you approaching assisting him in <strong>learning</strong> the "right" way. Allowing yourself to be a doormat for his anger and frustrations is NOT going to get him to responsible adulthood. </p><p></p><p>Yes, I'm aware that you probably got to this point because if you handled it calmly and with more "giving ins" and then, the situations were diffused, but that doesn't seem to be working any more. It's time to change things up. What struck me most as an "oh no you did not!" was when he yelled at you because YOU pulled out the wrong socks. EXCUSE ME???????????? The boy is 10 he should be more than capable of dressing himself and getting his own clothes out. If not, then in my opinion he's not mature enough to participate in team sports. I think it's time to pepper your "understanding" of his issues (what are the diagnosis's again?) with some old fashioned rules, privileges and consequences. It's perfectly OK for him to get angry, but the way he is expressing that anger is in my opinion, <strong>ABSOLUTELY NOT OK. </strong>Please read some of the threads involving older kids with dxs like bipolar, mood disorder, ADHD etc. KIDS NEED RULES AND CONSEQUENCES.</p><p></p><p>Ex: DD1 has some serious anxiety issues. When pushed with challenges, she will literally snap and have a tantrum just like a 4 y/o (she's now 10) This of course is unacceptable to the school, so they threaten her with a suspension. She's a smart girl, she does not want to get suspended, but still, has a VERY difficult time controlling her 'snap'. Knowing this, I and the teachers watch her for signs that she's getting over anxious and may snap. We point it out to her and try to diffuse the situation. After several times of doing this, we realize that she's not getting any of her work done, because we are always diffusing it for her. So, we need to take it up a notch. Instead of diffusing the situation, we start leading her through step by step - pushing her through that anxiety. All the while, we make sure she is becoming aware of her own feelings and the steps we take to break things down for her, so that in the future when there is not so much "hand holding" going on, she can recognize when she might begin to snap and remove herself from the immediate situation, or start breaking it down herself so she can get through it. (by the way this is primarily in her gifted class, and pulling her out is not an option because if she doesn't learn to face these types of academic challenges, she'll be doomed to a life of under-achievement. Also she'll just be bored to death in a regular class all 5 days.)</p><p></p><p>In other words, she is learning to deal with her own issues. Yes, she's got more than anxiety going on, and she's working on all of it and has been involved in becoming self aware, and taking responsibility for her own actions since she was 8. </p><p></p><p>It's ironic since that last two days, I've been PRAISING her when she got angry. She had gotten to a point where she wasn't expressing her anger or frustrations <strong>at all</strong>. They would get bottled up and build up inside her, and when they come out, it wasn't even a rage, it was this very odd almost different personality, but in that state she felt OK enough to let out those feelings. So now she is being PRAISED when she raises her voice or yells and complains in a "healthy manner" - no name calling, no property destruction, no mean expressions. And when I do praise her, I remind her that here at home, that is acceptable, but in school, she'll still have to take it down a notch or two.</p><p></p><p>Stop feeling awful and guilty, and channel some of that energy into appropriate parental anger. Get a diagnosis for your son, at the very least, get him and the family into therapy - don't need a diagnosis for that, and a diagnosis can emerge from even just a few sessions. STAY STRONG. If you haven't yet, get a copy of The Explosive Child. It's recommended to almost everyone who comes to this forum. (It's next on my list even though my difficult child really isn't all that explosive, but I as a parent do NEED more guidance to be an even better more effective parent.)</p><p></p><p>(((((HUGS))))) I"ll say it again. If our kids came with instruction manuals, it would be much easier.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="keista, post: 436823, member: 11965"] in my opinion it doesn't sound like you are doing the "right" thing for him. are there EVER any consequences for his behavior? (please keep reading, I'm not trying to be mean) From the scenario you described, it sounds like you, as a parent haven't transitioned, from understanding that there are deeper issues, to taking control of them. I too am concerned that you don't have a diagnosis. Without one, what do you think his issues are? How are you approaching assisting him in [B]learning[/B] the "right" way. Allowing yourself to be a doormat for his anger and frustrations is NOT going to get him to responsible adulthood. Yes, I'm aware that you probably got to this point because if you handled it calmly and with more "giving ins" and then, the situations were diffused, but that doesn't seem to be working any more. It's time to change things up. What struck me most as an "oh no you did not!" was when he yelled at you because YOU pulled out the wrong socks. EXCUSE ME???????????? The boy is 10 he should be more than capable of dressing himself and getting his own clothes out. If not, then in my opinion he's not mature enough to participate in team sports. I think it's time to pepper your "understanding" of his issues (what are the diagnosis's again?) with some old fashioned rules, privileges and consequences. It's perfectly OK for him to get angry, but the way he is expressing that anger is in my opinion, [B]ABSOLUTELY NOT OK. [/B]Please read some of the threads involving older kids with dxs like bipolar, mood disorder, ADHD etc. KIDS NEED RULES AND CONSEQUENCES. Ex: DD1 has some serious anxiety issues. When pushed with challenges, she will literally snap and have a tantrum just like a 4 y/o (she's now 10) This of course is unacceptable to the school, so they threaten her with a suspension. She's a smart girl, she does not want to get suspended, but still, has a VERY difficult time controlling her 'snap'. Knowing this, I and the teachers watch her for signs that she's getting over anxious and may snap. We point it out to her and try to diffuse the situation. After several times of doing this, we realize that she's not getting any of her work done, because we are always diffusing it for her. So, we need to take it up a notch. Instead of diffusing the situation, we start leading her through step by step - pushing her through that anxiety. All the while, we make sure she is becoming aware of her own feelings and the steps we take to break things down for her, so that in the future when there is not so much "hand holding" going on, she can recognize when she might begin to snap and remove herself from the immediate situation, or start breaking it down herself so she can get through it. (by the way this is primarily in her gifted class, and pulling her out is not an option because if she doesn't learn to face these types of academic challenges, she'll be doomed to a life of under-achievement. Also she'll just be bored to death in a regular class all 5 days.) In other words, she is learning to deal with her own issues. Yes, she's got more than anxiety going on, and she's working on all of it and has been involved in becoming self aware, and taking responsibility for her own actions since she was 8. It's ironic since that last two days, I've been PRAISING her when she got angry. She had gotten to a point where she wasn't expressing her anger or frustrations [B]at all[/B]. They would get bottled up and build up inside her, and when they come out, it wasn't even a rage, it was this very odd almost different personality, but in that state she felt OK enough to let out those feelings. So now she is being PRAISED when she raises her voice or yells and complains in a "healthy manner" - no name calling, no property destruction, no mean expressions. And when I do praise her, I remind her that here at home, that is acceptable, but in school, she'll still have to take it down a notch or two. Stop feeling awful and guilty, and channel some of that energy into appropriate parental anger. Get a diagnosis for your son, at the very least, get him and the family into therapy - don't need a diagnosis for that, and a diagnosis can emerge from even just a few sessions. STAY STRONG. If you haven't yet, get a copy of The Explosive Child. It's recommended to almost everyone who comes to this forum. (It's next on my list even though my difficult child really isn't all that explosive, but I as a parent do NEED more guidance to be an even better more effective parent.) (((((HUGS))))) I"ll say it again. If our kids came with instruction manuals, it would be much easier. [/QUOTE]
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