Forums
New posts
Search forums
What's new
New posts
New profile posts
Latest activity
Internet Search
Members
Current visitors
New profile posts
Search profile posts
Log in
Register
What's new
Search
Search
Search titles only
By:
New posts
Search forums
Menu
Log in
Register
Install the app
Install
Forums
Parent Support Forums
General Parenting
am I doing the right thing.....
JavaScript is disabled. For a better experience, please enable JavaScript in your browser before proceeding.
You are using an out of date browser. It may not display this or other websites correctly.
You should upgrade or use an
alternative browser
.
Reply to thread
Message
<blockquote data-quote="susiestar" data-source="post: 436879" data-attributes="member: 1233"><p>I think that you have forgotten a BIG part of raising kids. Regardless of what their issues are, our jobs, as parents, are to make them able to function as contributing members of society. Not all will contribute the same things, but our job is to work so they can get there. NO child who is too sick to go to school should go to a sports event. Once in a while thank you has gotten to go to an evening function if being home was due to sensory overload and the problem has passed, he has gotten to a point that he can handle being in public. But that is rare - if he is home he isn't able to go anywhere.</p><p></p><p>You are doing too much for him and making excuses because of his problems but not really working toward a solution. He needs to be faced with real logical, natural consequences for his behavior. Having a tantrum like that at your mom and hurting her means you don't leave your bedroom and if you make too much fuss in there everything but your mattress, sheet, pillow, blanket, light source and seven outfits of MOM"S choosing leaves the room. That means all your electronics, fun stuff, etc.... are in boxes int he garage or maybe in a storage unit mom and dad rent until you show you can behave and not hurt mom. </p><p></p><p>NO WAY should you have gone to ANY activity of his tonight. He hurt you, you have NO energy to do anything at all for him/with him/that benefits him. You must retire to the bathroom where you take a very long bubble bath wtih a book, some candles, a favorite snack and a nice beverage and absolutely ZERO interruptions until you are darn good and ready to come out. THAT is TLC for hurt mommys and children who inflict that hurt must do mommy's chores - like the dishes, sweep the floor, whatever they are capable of while she heals from the injury.</p><p></p><p>Ideally, difficult child should have gone to his room to spend the time alone and you should have been able to do whatever to recover from your injury. Dad has a commitment as the coach but family has to come first. He might have to call another parent to fill in as the coach - NO game or tournament is worth mroe than his family or worth moer than getting through to difficult child that he does NOT get to hurt HIS WIFE and get rewarded for it. THAT is the message your husband needed to send. You and husband really MUST send the message that hurting someone, anyone but ESP your mother and father, is a HUGE way to get both parents to cut every ounce of fun out of YOUR life - that it is totally unacceptable to hurt your wife/husband and no matter why it happens (except for an honest and real accident but those are NOT caused while you are shouting at your mother that she can't do anything right,etc...) there will be some fearsome consequences to pay if it happens. </p><p></p><p>Your son DOES need a full evaluation. A neuropsychologist evaluation with the up to 10 hrs of testing is going to be crucial. So is getting a psychiatrist to also evaluate him. But it is going to take months to get in as it may take three or four months until an appointment is available. Until then??</p><p></p><p>You go and get a copy of Parenting Your Chidl with Love and Logic by Fay and Cline and a copy of The Explosive Child by Greene and you read them. Then apply common sense to come up wtih a mix of the methods that you and husband can stick to. And you stick Occupational Therapist (OT) it.</p><p></p><p>Regardless of how tired husband is when he gets home, you and husband need to sit down and draw up some basic rules. You say mean things about parents - X is the punishment. And when you want them to do something, anything, they tell you they are not interested in doing fun activity X with somoene who called them names or said they were stupid or said they were a monkey's toenail because they lost your money or whatever. People do not want to do fun or nice things with/for someone who is mean/verbally aggressive to them. Then you do. not. do. it. Regardless of his pleas and demands. </p><p></p><p>If you hurt someone on purpose - your life stops. you lose X for Y amt of time. This is a HUGE thing. If at 10 he is allowed to tell you that what he did to you didn't hurt and you are a baby who needs to "curse meaning inhale" it up, and you give no real consequence except for mom staying home from his game? By twelve he will be well past the boy here who used a knife to cut the pocket out of his mother's shorts to get money out of them - <em>while she was sleeping with the shorts on her person</em>!! I am not kidding. He will likely be past that point of caring what you want, do or say long before age 12 if you don't start standing up to him NOW. </p><p></p><p>HOw do I know? My son tried it. Not with a knife that we saw. And not on me. But when he was mad about something, or just bored or cranky, he would go and torture his little sister int he middle of the night. I found out MONTHS after it started ONLY because the cat insisted I follow her into my daughter's room. She was almost unconscious. She had been sleeping and he went in and started choking her while she slept. We learned that his teacher at the middle school was letting him do all sorts of thigns that we had specifically revoked permission for in writing. The docs wanted to say it was a psychotic break and on some levels it was, but that was NOT the reason for his violence. The violence was because his teacher and his grandparents were letting him ignore many of the rules so in his mind none of the rules applied to him. Not even the ones that meant it was wrong to kill your sister. He wound up in a psychiatric hospital for 4 months where they finally clued in to the fact that the violence was NOT because the psychotic break. He just lost his grip on what was fantasy and what was reality in regards to pokemon and anime. He knew full well and good the entire time that he was hurtign people (he told us this years later).</p><p></p><p>Sorry I went on so much, I just see so much danger ahead for you and your younger child if you do not get this turned around asap. While he seems to have something going on, and that does need treatment and identification, if you don't stop the violence the rest won't matter. He is oging to start lashing out at school and at teammates and someone will press charges. Then you are going to be in a huge world of hurt and your chances for help will decrease hguely. So get the books, get the neuropsychologist on board, and start putting big limits on his world each and every time he is violent. </p><p></p><p>Be very very careful to NEVER leave your younger child alone iwth him. Not until you know what is going on and how to best try to help. He probably knows that hurting his llittle brother will upset you the most and it is highly likely that he will begin to use this when he is angry with you. Yes, I sound like a doomsayer. But I have just seen it too often. And at age 4 your other son is just too vulnerable.</p><p></p><p>It would be a good idea to start a parent report. It is a way to organize info about your son so that you ahve it all in one place and you can communicate it to the docs effectively. the link in my sig will take you to the thread that explains it.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="susiestar, post: 436879, member: 1233"] I think that you have forgotten a BIG part of raising kids. Regardless of what their issues are, our jobs, as parents, are to make them able to function as contributing members of society. Not all will contribute the same things, but our job is to work so they can get there. NO child who is too sick to go to school should go to a sports event. Once in a while thank you has gotten to go to an evening function if being home was due to sensory overload and the problem has passed, he has gotten to a point that he can handle being in public. But that is rare - if he is home he isn't able to go anywhere. You are doing too much for him and making excuses because of his problems but not really working toward a solution. He needs to be faced with real logical, natural consequences for his behavior. Having a tantrum like that at your mom and hurting her means you don't leave your bedroom and if you make too much fuss in there everything but your mattress, sheet, pillow, blanket, light source and seven outfits of MOM"S choosing leaves the room. That means all your electronics, fun stuff, etc.... are in boxes int he garage or maybe in a storage unit mom and dad rent until you show you can behave and not hurt mom. NO WAY should you have gone to ANY activity of his tonight. He hurt you, you have NO energy to do anything at all for him/with him/that benefits him. You must retire to the bathroom where you take a very long bubble bath wtih a book, some candles, a favorite snack and a nice beverage and absolutely ZERO interruptions until you are darn good and ready to come out. THAT is TLC for hurt mommys and children who inflict that hurt must do mommy's chores - like the dishes, sweep the floor, whatever they are capable of while she heals from the injury. Ideally, difficult child should have gone to his room to spend the time alone and you should have been able to do whatever to recover from your injury. Dad has a commitment as the coach but family has to come first. He might have to call another parent to fill in as the coach - NO game or tournament is worth mroe than his family or worth moer than getting through to difficult child that he does NOT get to hurt HIS WIFE and get rewarded for it. THAT is the message your husband needed to send. You and husband really MUST send the message that hurting someone, anyone but ESP your mother and father, is a HUGE way to get both parents to cut every ounce of fun out of YOUR life - that it is totally unacceptable to hurt your wife/husband and no matter why it happens (except for an honest and real accident but those are NOT caused while you are shouting at your mother that she can't do anything right,etc...) there will be some fearsome consequences to pay if it happens. Your son DOES need a full evaluation. A neuropsychologist evaluation with the up to 10 hrs of testing is going to be crucial. So is getting a psychiatrist to also evaluate him. But it is going to take months to get in as it may take three or four months until an appointment is available. Until then?? You go and get a copy of Parenting Your Chidl with Love and Logic by Fay and Cline and a copy of The Explosive Child by Greene and you read them. Then apply common sense to come up wtih a mix of the methods that you and husband can stick to. And you stick Occupational Therapist (OT) it. Regardless of how tired husband is when he gets home, you and husband need to sit down and draw up some basic rules. You say mean things about parents - X is the punishment. And when you want them to do something, anything, they tell you they are not interested in doing fun activity X with somoene who called them names or said they were stupid or said they were a monkey's toenail because they lost your money or whatever. People do not want to do fun or nice things with/for someone who is mean/verbally aggressive to them. Then you do. not. do. it. Regardless of his pleas and demands. If you hurt someone on purpose - your life stops. you lose X for Y amt of time. This is a HUGE thing. If at 10 he is allowed to tell you that what he did to you didn't hurt and you are a baby who needs to "curse meaning inhale" it up, and you give no real consequence except for mom staying home from his game? By twelve he will be well past the boy here who used a knife to cut the pocket out of his mother's shorts to get money out of them - [I]while she was sleeping with the shorts on her person[/I]!! I am not kidding. He will likely be past that point of caring what you want, do or say long before age 12 if you don't start standing up to him NOW. HOw do I know? My son tried it. Not with a knife that we saw. And not on me. But when he was mad about something, or just bored or cranky, he would go and torture his little sister int he middle of the night. I found out MONTHS after it started ONLY because the cat insisted I follow her into my daughter's room. She was almost unconscious. She had been sleeping and he went in and started choking her while she slept. We learned that his teacher at the middle school was letting him do all sorts of thigns that we had specifically revoked permission for in writing. The docs wanted to say it was a psychotic break and on some levels it was, but that was NOT the reason for his violence. The violence was because his teacher and his grandparents were letting him ignore many of the rules so in his mind none of the rules applied to him. Not even the ones that meant it was wrong to kill your sister. He wound up in a psychiatric hospital for 4 months where they finally clued in to the fact that the violence was NOT because the psychotic break. He just lost his grip on what was fantasy and what was reality in regards to pokemon and anime. He knew full well and good the entire time that he was hurtign people (he told us this years later). Sorry I went on so much, I just see so much danger ahead for you and your younger child if you do not get this turned around asap. While he seems to have something going on, and that does need treatment and identification, if you don't stop the violence the rest won't matter. He is oging to start lashing out at school and at teammates and someone will press charges. Then you are going to be in a huge world of hurt and your chances for help will decrease hguely. So get the books, get the neuropsychologist on board, and start putting big limits on his world each and every time he is violent. Be very very careful to NEVER leave your younger child alone iwth him. Not until you know what is going on and how to best try to help. He probably knows that hurting his llittle brother will upset you the most and it is highly likely that he will begin to use this when he is angry with you. Yes, I sound like a doomsayer. But I have just seen it too often. And at age 4 your other son is just too vulnerable. It would be a good idea to start a parent report. It is a way to organize info about your son so that you ahve it all in one place and you can communicate it to the docs effectively. the link in my sig will take you to the thread that explains it. [/QUOTE]
Insert quotes…
Verification
Post reply
Forums
Parent Support Forums
General Parenting
am I doing the right thing.....
Top