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am I doing the right thing.....
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<blockquote data-quote="Marguerite" data-source="post: 436902" data-attributes="member: 1991"><p>Keista, you beat me to it.</p><p></p><p>A number of things concern me here:</p><p></p><p>1) this child still has no diagnosis, so we don't know why he is doing these things. And I think the answer is complex. And this child probably doesn't understand "complex". </p><p></p><p>2) The behaviour described in the child fits with what we have experienced. IF there is a similar underlying cause, then it needs to be handled differently, and even seen differently, to how other kids behave. Another reason for evaluation. And not just school evaluation, they rarely get it right. A number of factors here - illness developing. Game coming up. Confusion over his money (and apparently certain plans and expectations he had privately that were not coming to fruition). Anxiety over change and over other people's expectations. A change in routine. IF this kid has any Autism Spectrum Disorders (ASD) tendencies, he will react to this with hostile behaviour that often reflects how he feels other people treat him in similar situations.</p><p> </p><p>3) He is dishing back what he gets. At some level and at some times, he has hurt himself and had someone tell him to stop being a baby, to suck it up. All he is doing, is reflecting back the same behaviour, since that was the pattern that he was taught. That is what you do, in his mind. So the yelling at you, screaming at you - partly it is what he feels he experiences, part of it is anxiety, part of it is frustration and change will aggravate this. Change in how he is feeling (ie getting sick; or recovering) and change in routine.</p><p></p><p>That said - you don't have to accept this as okay. it is NOT okay. But punishing it will only make the problem worse, because HE will then learn to punish YOU when he feels you behave that way toward him.</p><p></p><p>What you do instead - you stay calm. You revise and rehearse, as much as you can. He needs to be calm enough for this, but as and when you can, you say, "It is not right to swear at people. I do not swear at you. Please do not swear at me." (and don't forget the 'please'). "Now let's try that again - you were asking me to do something for you? How do you ask nicely?" If you have to, prompt it for him. "You say, 'Please, mum, can you help me?' and I will then do my best to help you, because you have asked me so nicely. Now, let's try that again. What do you need to say?"</p><p></p><p>Do this calmly.</p><p></p><p>And as for you hurting yourself - try to use humour to deflect. And observe - somewhere, someone is treating him with disrespect, is an adult throwing their weight around in the mistaken belief that this is how a child should be disciplined. Find who is doing this and educate them fast. About the head and neck... because that has to STOP so your son can stop learning the wrong way to behave, and begin learning the right way.</p><p></p><p>You do not have to accept this as okay. It is not okay. But you cannot change it the way most people think it can be changed - by punishment and scolding. Because this kid has learned to punish and scold, and is VERY good at it!</p><p></p><p>Marg</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Marguerite, post: 436902, member: 1991"] Keista, you beat me to it. A number of things concern me here: 1) this child still has no diagnosis, so we don't know why he is doing these things. And I think the answer is complex. And this child probably doesn't understand "complex". 2) The behaviour described in the child fits with what we have experienced. IF there is a similar underlying cause, then it needs to be handled differently, and even seen differently, to how other kids behave. Another reason for evaluation. And not just school evaluation, they rarely get it right. A number of factors here - illness developing. Game coming up. Confusion over his money (and apparently certain plans and expectations he had privately that were not coming to fruition). Anxiety over change and over other people's expectations. A change in routine. IF this kid has any Autism Spectrum Disorders (ASD) tendencies, he will react to this with hostile behaviour that often reflects how he feels other people treat him in similar situations. 3) He is dishing back what he gets. At some level and at some times, he has hurt himself and had someone tell him to stop being a baby, to suck it up. All he is doing, is reflecting back the same behaviour, since that was the pattern that he was taught. That is what you do, in his mind. So the yelling at you, screaming at you - partly it is what he feels he experiences, part of it is anxiety, part of it is frustration and change will aggravate this. Change in how he is feeling (ie getting sick; or recovering) and change in routine. That said - you don't have to accept this as okay. it is NOT okay. But punishing it will only make the problem worse, because HE will then learn to punish YOU when he feels you behave that way toward him. What you do instead - you stay calm. You revise and rehearse, as much as you can. He needs to be calm enough for this, but as and when you can, you say, "It is not right to swear at people. I do not swear at you. Please do not swear at me." (and don't forget the 'please'). "Now let's try that again - you were asking me to do something for you? How do you ask nicely?" If you have to, prompt it for him. "You say, 'Please, mum, can you help me?' and I will then do my best to help you, because you have asked me so nicely. Now, let's try that again. What do you need to say?" Do this calmly. And as for you hurting yourself - try to use humour to deflect. And observe - somewhere, someone is treating him with disrespect, is an adult throwing their weight around in the mistaken belief that this is how a child should be disciplined. Find who is doing this and educate them fast. About the head and neck... because that has to STOP so your son can stop learning the wrong way to behave, and begin learning the right way. You do not have to accept this as okay. It is not okay. But you cannot change it the way most people think it can be changed - by punishment and scolding. Because this kid has learned to punish and scold, and is VERY good at it! Marg [/QUOTE]
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