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am I doing the right thing.....
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<blockquote data-quote="sjexpress" data-source="post: 436990"><p>Hi-</p><p> I appreciate everyone's responses but apparently there are many questions as to why my difficult child is undiagnosed, untreated, allowed to behave this way, maybe treated poorly himself, etc.... Well, when I first posted long ago, I did write about our history but I will do it again to clear things up. Believe me when I say we are trying to do our best for our difficult child and family.</p><p> difficult child was born difficult. He was colicy, never slept, cried often. It was a normal pregnancy and delivery. There is no known mental illness ( weird relatives maybe undiagnosed?) on either side of the family. As difficult child got older, he tantrumed frequently and hard when he did not get his way. We did not give in and used time outs which never did anything for us but we continued. By 5 yrs old the pediatrician was telling us he was just immature and he will out grow this. difficult child did fine in nursery school and in kindergarden so no help from school. We tried lots of behavior charts/reward systems on our own but again, nothing mattered. By 7 we decided to find help on our own for difficult child and started seeing psychologist with him. We spent a almost a year trying new behavior charts, rewards, consequences, etc... nothing changed for us and again, other than talking too much in class, school and summer camp were fine! difficult child behavior continued on with tantrums when he did not get his way, verbal abuse of the family, never being wrong, etc... Over the past 3-4 yrs we have tried 2 other child psychologists, a family counselor where we all went and both difficult child attended age appropriate anger management classed and husband and I attended a parent group, and we have even taken difficult child to a "natural doctor" who was recommended that treated difficult child with vitamins, accupressure ( no needles) and dietary changes. Again, nothing really helped us! And husband and I were consistent in doing and following thru with every thing we were supposed to do, including punishments no matter how much worse it made things. Yet, in all these years and the tons of money we spent on co-pays, not one of these professionals gave difficult child a diagnosis and school was fine so we had no help there. Never have we hit difficult child, been unattentive to his needs or illnesses. We do our best to encourage his independance and don't baby him or do everything for him no matter how much he carries on( yes I helped him with his socks as he was struggling since his feet were sweaty- I didn't think this was a huge deal) I have no idea where his anger and aggressiveness comes from or why his lack of care or concern for his family. He does apologize for his actions after he calms down and many times says he does not know why he acts this way. It is so sad for all of us because when he is not having these "moments", he is an amazing kid- smart, athletic, funny, etc.. he just can't control his emotions when frustrated and it affects us and his life with friends, on teams,etc..</p><p> When I found this site and heard about neuropsychologist evaluation, i searched and found 2 places by me that does this but our insurance did not cover it and there is no way we can afford the thousands of dollars out of pocket they quoted us it would cost. THe last psychologist suggested maybe medications (never diagnosed difficult child) and we should consider a psychiatrist. We were against it at first (the medications) but since again we really have to help our ds, are willing to go that route but now after years of nothing helping, difficult child is absoluley refusing to get more help. Yes you say I am the parent and get him there no matter what we take away or promise him, but it does not work for us. We can take away his ipod, computer, keep him home from ball games, but nothing breaks difficult child. He is over 5' tall and weighs 140lbs. He is not someone who you can carry or force into a car or office. He is not physically trashing our home or injuring anyone that the police need to be called so that is not an option.</p><p> So this is where we are at right now. An 11 yr old who still wants what he wants when he wants it or has tantrums of crying, demanding, saying we are mean, no one loves him , etc... He is easily frustrated and becomes verbally abusive and get in your face aggressive when things don't go as he thinks they should. He is a great student and athlete and great kid when things are going smoothly. All our lives are affected by this and we avoid many things for fear of difficult child's behavior surfacing in public around others. Like others, it is a sad and isolated thing and I wish it could be different. I have many days of "why me or us", or how great things would be if.... but I certainly do not appreciate others saying we are not doing the right things because they are wrong and have no clue about us!</p><p></p><p>Jan</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="sjexpress, post: 436990"] Hi- I appreciate everyone's responses but apparently there are many questions as to why my difficult child is undiagnosed, untreated, allowed to behave this way, maybe treated poorly himself, etc.... Well, when I first posted long ago, I did write about our history but I will do it again to clear things up. Believe me when I say we are trying to do our best for our difficult child and family. difficult child was born difficult. He was colicy, never slept, cried often. It was a normal pregnancy and delivery. There is no known mental illness ( weird relatives maybe undiagnosed?) on either side of the family. As difficult child got older, he tantrumed frequently and hard when he did not get his way. We did not give in and used time outs which never did anything for us but we continued. By 5 yrs old the pediatrician was telling us he was just immature and he will out grow this. difficult child did fine in nursery school and in kindergarden so no help from school. We tried lots of behavior charts/reward systems on our own but again, nothing mattered. By 7 we decided to find help on our own for difficult child and started seeing psychologist with him. We spent a almost a year trying new behavior charts, rewards, consequences, etc... nothing changed for us and again, other than talking too much in class, school and summer camp were fine! difficult child behavior continued on with tantrums when he did not get his way, verbal abuse of the family, never being wrong, etc... Over the past 3-4 yrs we have tried 2 other child psychologists, a family counselor where we all went and both difficult child attended age appropriate anger management classed and husband and I attended a parent group, and we have even taken difficult child to a "natural doctor" who was recommended that treated difficult child with vitamins, accupressure ( no needles) and dietary changes. Again, nothing really helped us! And husband and I were consistent in doing and following thru with every thing we were supposed to do, including punishments no matter how much worse it made things. Yet, in all these years and the tons of money we spent on co-pays, not one of these professionals gave difficult child a diagnosis and school was fine so we had no help there. Never have we hit difficult child, been unattentive to his needs or illnesses. We do our best to encourage his independance and don't baby him or do everything for him no matter how much he carries on( yes I helped him with his socks as he was struggling since his feet were sweaty- I didn't think this was a huge deal) I have no idea where his anger and aggressiveness comes from or why his lack of care or concern for his family. He does apologize for his actions after he calms down and many times says he does not know why he acts this way. It is so sad for all of us because when he is not having these "moments", he is an amazing kid- smart, athletic, funny, etc.. he just can't control his emotions when frustrated and it affects us and his life with friends, on teams,etc.. When I found this site and heard about neuropsychologist evaluation, i searched and found 2 places by me that does this but our insurance did not cover it and there is no way we can afford the thousands of dollars out of pocket they quoted us it would cost. THe last psychologist suggested maybe medications (never diagnosed difficult child) and we should consider a psychiatrist. We were against it at first (the medications) but since again we really have to help our ds, are willing to go that route but now after years of nothing helping, difficult child is absoluley refusing to get more help. Yes you say I am the parent and get him there no matter what we take away or promise him, but it does not work for us. We can take away his ipod, computer, keep him home from ball games, but nothing breaks difficult child. He is over 5' tall and weighs 140lbs. He is not someone who you can carry or force into a car or office. He is not physically trashing our home or injuring anyone that the police need to be called so that is not an option. So this is where we are at right now. An 11 yr old who still wants what he wants when he wants it or has tantrums of crying, demanding, saying we are mean, no one loves him , etc... He is easily frustrated and becomes verbally abusive and get in your face aggressive when things don't go as he thinks they should. He is a great student and athlete and great kid when things are going smoothly. All our lives are affected by this and we avoid many things for fear of difficult child's behavior surfacing in public around others. Like others, it is a sad and isolated thing and I wish it could be different. I have many days of "why me or us", or how great things would be if.... but I certainly do not appreciate others saying we are not doing the right things because they are wrong and have no clue about us! Jan [/QUOTE]
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