Am I enabling by feeding my son?

[BusynMember]

I didn't catch that you have a two year old at home.

Seriously, to me that is a game changer. Do you want her to be scared when your son yells or threatens you?

To me, she is the one here who needs protection. Your son is an adult, like it or not, and has made horrible choices on his own and knew the consequences. Your two year old is little more than a baby. She is the one who needs your protection.

One of the main reasons I made our daughter leave when she used drugs was that the drama and yelling never stopped, the cops visited a lot, and my two little ones were terrified of the chaos. Your son is not that cute little baby with the chubby cheeks who says such cute things anymore. He is a grown man who knew he'd end up in more trouble if he didn't comply with his orders and did it anyway. Your daughter is now the little one with the chubby cheeks who needs you much more than your grown son does. I am very protective of younger children who have to deal with nonsense from their older siblings. It does affect their lives and not in a good way. JMO.

 

[lostmyson]

It's not just feeding but allowing him to shower and nap for hours. My husband ( his step-dad ) has kicked him out of the house even though he has 2 upcoming trial dates..for using pot, having it on him, resisting arrest and I think driving under the influence. We make him pay for his own car insurance , he owns the car, he pays his own cell phone bill too. He has been able to hold jobs since he got out of high school so it's not like he's a bump on a log but still he is a user, it may be just pot chances are it's speed as well. Yesterday my husband said if he sees him in the house even eating food he will call the cops on him. Husband is a smooth talker and he managed to have the police say that if I let him in the house again he would have him arrested. I draw the line at food am I right? or am I enabling?

Sounds too familiar. I have similar situation. 21 year old kicked out over drugs. 5 year old daughter. Stepfather fed up. I too feed him and sneak around. Feel torn. Son been in jail six weeks. Stealing scrap for drug money. Court wed. Where will he go if released. Ongoing problem last five years. Peaceful six weeks. Heartbroken and never felt so alone. Shell of the person I used to be. Don't know the answer. Know you are not alone. We stiil see our baby boy. Husband says let go. Feelings don't work that way.

 

[Childofmine]

Things get confusing very quickly when dealing with an active addict.

After years of dealing with him in my house, he doesn't come here anymore. He doesn't sleep here at all, for any length of time. He doesn't come here for dinner.

I allowed him to come here for a few hours this spring to see about his car, which I am storing for him in my neighborhood. I gave him a sandwich on the front porch and allowed him to take a shower.

There was no drama, but I felt like I had to "watch" him the whole time he was here, and later in the afternoon, I took him and dropped him off at the library. He had no place to sleep that night. That cost me a lot, doing that.

So, for me, here are my rules---unless he is on a road to recovery that is clear and demonstrated and I can see happening (no talk---but action):

1. He won't be at my house anymore. For any reason. If he comes to my house, we stand outside.
2. There are many shelters and places to get food in this town. If I choose to give him food every once in a while, I will take it to him or take him to a restaurant.
3. I don't give him any money for anything.
4. I have all of his clothes and personal toiletries and I will take him what he needs and store the rest here.
5. I will see him once a week for a few minutes if he wants to see me. I will go to him.
6. No long drawn out texting back and forth discussions, email discussions or FB message discussions. I'm not going to go through it all with him again.

Over the years, I have had to make my "box" where he is concerned, smaller and smaller and smaller. To do more invites insanity. I'm through with insanity and drama and talk.

If that doesn't work, I don't want to think about no contact at all, but I know that option is out there for me.

Here is my bottom line: I don't want to be around active addiction. I don't like anything about it. And as far as I have come, and I have come far in my own work on myself over the past few years, I love my son, and his behavior, attitudes, actions, thinking and decisions still can create a lot of upset in me.

So in order to protect myself, and take care of myself, I am going to participate with him very little.

That is my choice, and today I am just as important as he is, maybe I am even 1% more important than he is. I just read about the 51% rule where we value ourselves at least 1% more than we value them. I like that.

Hugs to you all.

 

[pasajes4]

Child, I can feel your strength shining through your post. It speaks to the emotional struggle that brought you to a place where you value you. It in no way diminishes your love for your child. You have given him the gift of his own journey to independence.

 

[Woriedmom]

Tish and Annie, I want to cry when I read what you've been through and still going through. My son is only 20, smoking pot and God knows what else. I just read the physical and emotional signs of different drugs. Most assuredly a couple years ago there was all the signs of cocaine,possibly meth and speed. Right now I cannot tell but he never stole from us but I do suspect that before we kicked him out he'd been running drugs. Using the car he has to drive people here and there with God knows what to sell. I feel as a parent I've done my best to warn him of the consequences for his actions with the law. I'm so glad that yesterday when my son popped in to take his LAST shower in our house or ...(so his step dad ) says...but that my husband finally spoke to my son about the seriousness of his D.U.I. charge. The 2 haven't said a word to eachother in over a month. I hate being in between the 2 I'm going out of my mind. I know the feeling of Eggshells too, when I noticed my sons mean side I have to stay clear of him. Yesterday ..."Father's day" , I say to my son "it's father's day you know" he says to me "What's that mean to me? I've never had one". Why do I feel bad? maybe it's because I remember him as the little sweet boy he use to be. I sent him on his way with some body wash and a gallon of ice-tea.It was the least I could do. Right?

Childofmine, I like your list of what you allow and don't allow. My son too slept in his car over the weekend. Said he got a horrible cramp from it.( The car is almost 15 years old.) he did say he will be looking for another job so with that I will have to talk my husband into allowing my son to shower at our house. I mean, he can't go to interviews smelling bad. But...I don't know how he's going to keep his job if he goes to jail.

 

[pasajes4]

Ah the guilt card. He plays it well. There is no single answer to what is doing too much for our children. Each of us must decide what we are comfortable doing for our grown children.

I do a lot for my grown daughter. She never asks for anything. She works hard to support her family. I get a great deal of pleasure in giving her little surprises that she would not get for herself. She is always very appreciative of even the smallest thing I do for her. I do for my oldest son as well by taking care of his daughter when he has to work on weekends and by sending home cooked meals home with him.

My youngest is never satisfied with what I do for him. It does not feel good to do anything for him.

 

[Woriedmom]

My son sounds a lot your youngest. My son said to me yesterday "Mom, if you love me you'll let me drink the rest of this gallon of milk. Not only did I allow him that but I cooked him some eggs.

 

[Stress Bunny]

We're in a similar boat with our 20yo difficult child with the guilt, helping vs enabling, and working out the differences between husband and me in how to handle everything. I don't have all the answers, and we each find our own path, but I can share the following:

• Your primary relationship is with your husband. Make sure you both are on the same page because your home is your home together, and you each deserve to have peace and comfort in your own home. in my humble opinion, if your husband is not comfortable with your son in the house, you should respect that, especially given your difficult child's current legal and drug issues and the fact that you have a young child at home. You can visit your son somewhere else, if you feel the need. Just my opinion. If you need help sorting this out, you (and your husband) may benefit from personal counseling.
• Consider your younger child's needs. Your difficult child is an adult and can make decisions for himself while your younger child needs parents to make decisions that protect her. In our case, we are shielding our 13yo boy as much as possible from difficult child's drama. We had some pretty simple and reasonable rules, i.e. no knives, guns, cigarettes, lighters, or drugs in the house - period. But, of course, difficult child could not respect such restrictive expectations, and we had to kick him out. He simply cannot live here. As far as visits, think about whether or not your difficult child is using drugs or breaking any laws. Do you want an active addict or criminal in your home? Can you trust him? Consider the potential consequences (financial, legal, physical, and emotional) to your family and your younger child.
• Think about whether you are helping or enabling. Helping is doing something for someone that he cannot do for himself. Enabling is doing something for someone that he can do for himself. Enabling will keep your difficult child from developing his own responsibility. At 20 years old, who has the responsibility for feeding and showering your son? Do you want him to continue to eat and shower at your home indefinitely? Is there a plan in place for him to take over purchasing and preparing his own food and living space for showering? Why does he feel entitled to eat and shower and nap in your home despite his illegal behavior and negative attitude? And why do you want or feel obligated to allow him?
• We bailed our 20 yo difficult child out of jail ONCE so that he wouldn't lose his very good job. We made him repay us instantly. BUT we will never ever do it again, even if he does lose that job. If he loses his job as a result of choices he makes, that is HIS responsibility, not ours. It is enabling to continue to shield him from the consequences of his own actions.
• I would highly recommend reading about codependency. You seem to be caught up in some codependent behavior that will not serve you or your son or husband well long term.

I understand everything you are going through, and you have received some excellent advice already. Child of Mine and Midwest Mom are veterans here with some fantastic words of wisdom. Take what works and leave the rest. I hope you find all of this helpful. Please keep us posted on how things are working out for you and your family.

 

[Woriedmom]

thank you so much stress bunny...yes, all these words are words of wisom that I could only take from other mothers who love their child so much as I do.

 

[PatriotsGirl]

I heard in a movie once and it always stuck with me - "your husband is the one who stays after everyone else leaves".

Your children will grow and have their own lives, but your husband is forever....take care of that relationship. I used to resent my husband for taking the hard line with our daughter. I used to think he was just mean. But, he was right. I was enabling her and certainly not helping her. They have a great relationship now and she made sure she acknowledged him on Father's Day this year...

It is HARD. We know, believe me. We are just trying to save you the merry go round that most of us have already dealt with. And yes, oh the guilt card...my daughter was the master...

 

[Woriedmom]

You put a smile on my face PG, my son is the KING when it comes to manipulation... "If you love me you'll do this, you'll do that,"..."I'm just gonna kill someone" "Do some crack...some meth"..."Kill myself" etc.etc. "I looked like a sniper sleeping in my car", "How can you do this to YOUR OWN SON?" , "You love ( MY HUSBAND ) more than me", and the list goes on and on. Sometimes I just can't bare it.

The worst is when my husband kicked him out ...he told me he had to sleep in a whore house with "you know what" on the couch. Oh my poor little baby boy...how in the world did it come to this? He said it is disgusting filth that I am making him sleep at. I did feel sorry for him when he said he had no where to go and he kept driving and driving , and driving when he got off work ... he came to our house and took a nap after 48 hrs. of no sleep, performance at job so bad since he is standing sleeping ...oh God! Then my husband has his usuall fit about him sleeping in our house, threatening to call the cops,etc.etc.

 

[pasajes4]

You keep referring to him as your poor baby boy. He is NOT a baby. If you continue to go against your husband and ignore what this turmoil is doing to your daughter by having, in your words,all your focus on your son, you run the risk of losing your husband and your daughter. Your son could care less what harm he is doing to you or your family. You are NOT helping your son when you buy into his "poor me" stories.

Is what your doing worth losing your husband and daughter over? Just some food for thought.

 

[BusynMember]

You put a smile on my face PG, my son is the KING when it comes to manipulation... "If you love me you'll do this, you'll do that,"..."I'm just gonna kill someone" "Do some crack...some meth"..."Kill myself" etc.etc. "I looked like a sniper sleeping in my car", "How can you do this to YOUR OWN SON?" , "You love ( MY HUSBAND ) more than me", and the list goes on and on. Sometimes I just can't bare it.

The worst is when my husband kicked him out ...he told me he had to sleep in a whore house with "you know what" on the couch. Oh my poor little baby boy...how in the world did it come to this? He said it is disgusting filth that I am making him sleep at. I did feel sorry for him when he said he had no where to go and he kept driving and driving , and driving when he got off work ... he came to our house and took a nap after 48 hrs. of no sleep, performance at job so bad since he is standing sleeping ...oh God! Then my husband has his usuall fit about him sleeping in our house, threatening to call the cops,etc.etc.

Whoa, hold on. Why do you even believe your son? He could be tired from drugs. I find it very hard to believe he went 48 hours without sleep. And you did it to him? Nope. He did it to him. He is capable of finding local shelters and obeying their rules, which means not being intoxicated, and having places to sleep." He has not only broken the law once, but has broken the law while on parole. This is a major time criminal. As much as I know I'd love him if he were mine, he would not be near my two year old daughter. No way. No how.

Be honest with yourself about your son. I had to do it and it's hard, but he started young. Still, it's never easy. But he isn't a cute young baby. He's a grown man. Many men his age are in the military. Many are succeeding in college. Many are working full time.

As long as you think of him as your baby, he will act like one and know he can manipulate you and get favors from you. Not only that, but he can destroy his sister's family too. Big power trip for difficult child who is in trouble because of his own horrible, illegal behavior.

Do you want to have a legal custody battle over your daughter and have your difficult child who is dangerous part of the picture?

Your son made his bed and now he has to lie in it. We all make our own beds.

 

[BusynMember]

Hmmmmmmmmmmmmm....Why don't you just say, "If you love me you'll stop using drugs." Would he do it?

 

[Woriedmom]

Dear Midwest mom, I will ask him that the next time I see him. I don't mean to keep saying "my baby boy" , I realize he is an adult but some adults just never grow up. I did let him go, I did make the choice of my husband and not my pot head son... but I just wish they had built a better relationship. My husband never had a father either. But he's a 44 year old man ...my son is only 20.
I chose my husband for my little girl, she is the world to me. I had to agree to let my son go when all my husband and I kept doing was fighting over my son...in front of her, and it would make her cry. She can't grow up in that. If I did seperate from my husband I know it would be a nightmare for her. This is why I had to let my son go...

 

[recoveringenabler]

Worriedmom, you may want to read the article on detachment at the bottom of my post.

 

[DammitJanet]

While I am not married I have been with my boys father for the last (ummm, let me count..Jamie is turning 30) 31 years now. We have gone through the fires of hell raising our boys. Only one of them launched correctly. The other two definitely have failure to launch syndrome. The youngest has come and gone many times and is only back at our house now due to him having his 2 year old full time. We wanted her somewhere safe. The oldest one has simply never left except to live with his brother for a few months. Never lived on his own.

Back in January Tony and I had been arguing for months and we came to a decision that we had to do something drastic. Either the two of us were going to break up and go our separate ways or we had to get inventive. We got inventive. Tony and I decided to find a small place in town for us and rented out our home to our oldest son and our youngest son. With what they pay it pretty much covers our rent on our little place.

We are sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo much happier here together. We dont have to buy food for everyone under the sun unless we invite them over for a meal. We dont have to pick up after people who just want to sit on their lazy butts. I can walk around naked if I want!

What we did is not for everyone and at some point we will go home again however for right now I dont want to leave this place. Im happy here. I was thinking about only staying here a year but now Im thinking maybe 2.... or 3...lol.

 

[Woriedmom]

Dearest Recoveringenabler,
I can't thank you enough for that article on "Detachment". I could go down the line on that list and see that is exactly my problem. I think I am better though, but a pain shot me in my heart last night as a thought suddenly came into my head.What if someone found him dead in his car? good grief! this really is pathetic ...I mean I could think up anything that could happen to my 20 yr.old son. I did finally kick him out, and it was really because of my 2 year old daughter. My husband and I did so much fighting over my son and it was hurting her. I want to protect my daughter and wouldn't be able to do this if she were away from me and in the care of my husband who has brothers and friends of his brothers, who might very well molest her and I can't take that chance. Besides there are a ton of other reasons for remaining with my husband, like I do love him.
Let me just say for the record that my son has never made any threats to his step-dad...I do believe he is infact afraid of him. My husband is a very strict man...he's very direct doesn't beat around the bush kind of guy. He really is a bit of a control nut but that's a different forum altogether but can someone tell me .... could it be that because of my husbands "meanness" my son started smoking pot in the first place? my sons childhood I'm sure didn't help any. Then there's always the fact that they have fun in what they do.
I do believe there are usually underline issues to behaviors. I know it's no excuse and we make our own choices...know right from wrong. But...for an example....when I was married to my first husband (married at 16 yrs.old) I use to lay in his lap and call the creep "Daddy". Naturally that was because I never had a father in my life, ( Had a step-Dad who emotionally and physically ) abused my brother and I. My X and I lasted almost 15 years...and during those years I did a lot of growing up. However...a few years into the marriage I began to collect dolls ...a few turned into many. By the time I divorced him in 2002 , I had over 20 of them. I would actually play with them at first ( whoever heard of a 16 yr. old playing with dolls right? lol I played with them for maybe 2 years but stopped when I had my daughter. Then I would just have them on display, many are porcelain. When I met my current hubby in 2008 he thought I was nuts for having so many of them now they are tucked away in boxes. A couple I've given to my little girl : )
Anyways I began to psychoanalyze myself and realized the obvious which was that my childhood was robbed from me. I mean who gets married after they JUST turned 16 right? well, for some it works out but not mine. SO...it was because of my upbringing that I married at 16( nutty mom signed for it ). Then of course calling my X Daddy.Then of course playing then collecting dolls in my grown years. Not to mention the reason for my divorce was that the very man I married had a problem from the start when I found out that he was sexually molesting our daughter, I mean the man was 8 years older than me but who would've saw this coming? Years later it was found that he himself was molested at 7 years old. and this was why he did what he did. BUT...when it comes to criminal acts with adults and grown kids... THERE IS NO EXCUSE!! My x new right from wrong! and unfortunately our justice system makes the victims feel they are at fault. Don't get me started on that issue. I did some healing myself on the abuse as I realized I too was a victim as a mother AND A WIFE. At first I wanted to give them all the death penalty...then prison for life...now I don't have the answers to where they should go. Some wounds I will say only the Divine can forgive. Hard to believe Jesus died for those sinners too but he did. In all truth I think I would kill him if I ever saw my X again.
But...in all this ...my son found out so...I could say that maybe this is why he started getting high in the first place. But HE was given a choice. Life is about choices....good and bad...some darn right evil. Bottom line here is that there are reasons why people act the way they do, do the things they do, etc. but we all know right from wrong and have the power call it willpower to not go through with our negative at times horrible behavior. And I do want to say that most times it will hurt us but it's awful when it hurts others. The people that hurt us the most are those that are closest to our hearts. I will add that my daughter ( now 24 ) is truly an overcomer. I'm sure the wounds still are there but she doesn't dwell on them and MADE THE CHOICE not to waste her life...giving my X the power over her, tormenting her mind, etc. that she is now in her last year of college, doing great. MY TROUBLESOME son on the other hand is choosing, notice I refuse to say has made the "CHOICE", that sort of indicates never able to change. Everyone can change their negative behavior, if they have the strong enough desire to change. I truly believe this with any addiction, or bad behavior in us all. O.M.G! I sure did go on a rant here.
Anyway... I realize I have a problem with detaching from my son...I'm sure alot of it is because of my X and me feeling guilty in that I'm trying to make up for the years of his childhood that was unhappy but it is a negative behavior and is hurting my son and myself for that matter. I think it helps for most people...myself anyway...to actually read a list of problem behaviors before realizing how WE are guilty AND CAN CHANGE, we ALL CAN CHANGE. I'm so glad I found this forum because it helps in support which is needed in my case anyway.
When all is said and done...I think I'm doing my own counseling. lol

 

[pasajes4]

Dear Worried, There has been so much really bad stuff that has happened in your lives. You do not mention whether you guys have had any counseling. It does sound like you are married to a very controlling man. You mention that you have health problems and that you do not drive. I am assuming that your husband controls the money in your family. You are in a difficult situation to say the least. Is there any way that you could go to counseling. Sweetie you need help. I do not know where you live so I don't know if there are any hospital or university programs that could help you.

 

[Woriedmom]

yes we did get counseling . myself and my daughter and son. I feel I'm okay ( regarding what my x did to my daughter ) but I would like my son to get some extra counseling... whenever he can see that he does have a problem and wants to do something about it. He is an adult now and has to want to change which he can.
my husband needs to have his own healing from what his own father did to him...but again HE IS CHOOSING to be the way he is and unless HE comes to grips with his behavior nothing can be done. His father use to beat him bloody. Needless to say this is where His anger stems from. But hey... I endured hurt growing up but am making the choice to live right...or trying to anyhow. As any addiction you need to first recognize that one has a problem.

I need to keep telling myself regarding my sons substance abuse that it is HIM who is choosing this negative behavior. The minute I start thinking it was his past then I feel guilt...the kind that hurts like hell.