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Substance Abuse
Am I really strong enough?
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<blockquote data-quote="Signorina" data-source="post: 565511"><p>Oh LMS, it's difficult child ptsd. My situation is not as critical as yours yet I feel like I need to be an octopus just so I can have a finger on every pot - because I am not sure which one is going to boil over when. And too many times they have all boiled over at once. You are trying to keep the lid on so many things...and I know that everyone is turning TO you for answers. Because that's what you do - you make sense out of the senseless and explain it to everyone else. And then you have to manage everyone to make sure they all follow the right plan. And it's fraught with anxiety and it's exhausting. I could tell you to stop projecting but you won't pay it heed. You have to be ready and aware. I get it. </p><p></p><p>Here's the thing though - you can quiet your own anxiety until you stop letting other people add to it. I know your daughter in law's mom means well - but guess what? She just unloaded her anxiety onto your plate. I bet she feels a letter better. And you? You just got more anxiety heaped on your own. Something tells me that it's other people are also unloading their anxiety about your difficult child on to you. And your plate is overflowing.</p><p></p><p>I was never an anxious person until about 4 years ago when I was gobsmacked with financial, marital, business strife + grief (lost my dad) + difficult child's unseen summer of debauchery. And none of those things resolved, in fact, life just kept getting worse.I commented about becoming the catcher in the rye in my own thread - and that's when I became "the Catcher". Ever vigilant, ever watchful, guarding that cliff AND needing to unearth each and every possible "worst case scenario" and then needing to have one (or more) courses of action planned "just in case" the worst came to past. Frankly, 4 years ago I was probably living a little too carefree. I should have saved more for a rainy day, we shouldn't have overextended ourselves for our dream home, I should have checked up on difficult child, checked up on my H's business, spent more time with my dad. And to compensate for that, I became this mess. A spreadsheet making, late night posting, cell phone bill checking, money hiding, mindless snacking, constant googling bundle of nerves in Spanx. There were days that I was so tense and so brittle that my H thought I would shatter. And he would get so frustrated with me. Which added to my anxiety. I needed to have all the cards, hold all the cards, deal the cards AND be prepared for the worst. I felt the need to be thinking TWO if not FIVE or TEN steps ahead. Sometimes, I think that things kept getting worse because I projected them. And you know what? My anxiety and hyper vigilance meant that I was working harder than everybody else to solve the problems they created. Lucky me. Really lucky them, because they could just hand it off to me...</p><p></p><p>Don't be the Catcher. Stay out of his and daughter in law's relationship if it kills you. Do NOT become the referee between difficult child 1 & 2. Do not become the person difficult child turns to when he needs to know what he should do. He won't do what you tell him, and if he does, he will eventually blame you for something. And let difficult child and your husband develop, maintain, negotiate their own relationship. Make plans, dear friend. Library, casino, cheapy manicure, frozen yogurt, yoga class, etc. Have something planned to take you out of the house each and every day. Something that is just for YOUR benefit. </p><p></p><p>Choose YOU. Your well being first. It's long overdue.</p><p></p><p>{{{hugs}}}</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Signorina, post: 565511"] Oh LMS, it's difficult child ptsd. My situation is not as critical as yours yet I feel like I need to be an octopus just so I can have a finger on every pot - because I am not sure which one is going to boil over when. And too many times they have all boiled over at once. You are trying to keep the lid on so many things...and I know that everyone is turning TO you for answers. Because that's what you do - you make sense out of the senseless and explain it to everyone else. And then you have to manage everyone to make sure they all follow the right plan. And it's fraught with anxiety and it's exhausting. I could tell you to stop projecting but you won't pay it heed. You have to be ready and aware. I get it. Here's the thing though - you can quiet your own anxiety until you stop letting other people add to it. I know your daughter in law's mom means well - but guess what? She just unloaded her anxiety onto your plate. I bet she feels a letter better. And you? You just got more anxiety heaped on your own. Something tells me that it's other people are also unloading their anxiety about your difficult child on to you. And your plate is overflowing. I was never an anxious person until about 4 years ago when I was gobsmacked with financial, marital, business strife + grief (lost my dad) + difficult child's unseen summer of debauchery. And none of those things resolved, in fact, life just kept getting worse.I commented about becoming the catcher in the rye in my own thread - and that's when I became "the Catcher". Ever vigilant, ever watchful, guarding that cliff AND needing to unearth each and every possible "worst case scenario" and then needing to have one (or more) courses of action planned "just in case" the worst came to past. Frankly, 4 years ago I was probably living a little too carefree. I should have saved more for a rainy day, we shouldn't have overextended ourselves for our dream home, I should have checked up on difficult child, checked up on my H's business, spent more time with my dad. And to compensate for that, I became this mess. A spreadsheet making, late night posting, cell phone bill checking, money hiding, mindless snacking, constant googling bundle of nerves in Spanx. There were days that I was so tense and so brittle that my H thought I would shatter. And he would get so frustrated with me. Which added to my anxiety. I needed to have all the cards, hold all the cards, deal the cards AND be prepared for the worst. I felt the need to be thinking TWO if not FIVE or TEN steps ahead. Sometimes, I think that things kept getting worse because I projected them. And you know what? My anxiety and hyper vigilance meant that I was working harder than everybody else to solve the problems they created. Lucky me. Really lucky them, because they could just hand it off to me... Don't be the Catcher. Stay out of his and daughter in law's relationship if it kills you. Do NOT become the referee between difficult child 1 & 2. Do not become the person difficult child turns to when he needs to know what he should do. He won't do what you tell him, and if he does, he will eventually blame you for something. And let difficult child and your husband develop, maintain, negotiate their own relationship. Make plans, dear friend. Library, casino, cheapy manicure, frozen yogurt, yoga class, etc. Have something planned to take you out of the house each and every day. Something that is just for YOUR benefit. Choose YOU. Your well being first. It's long overdue. {{{hugs}}} [/QUOTE]
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