I can see positive points and negative points. I have also had those assumption and demands of my kids. FAR more than husband or most parents ever did. Maybe with easy child kids this is possible, but it just was destroying Wiz. Literally. This tactic, had I kept it up, would have seen him in a box with a tombstone. Not exaggerating - he had a first grade teacher who firmly believed all of this, raised her kids this way and tried to teach this way. In many ways it fit with my expectations - at first. Then I saw what it was doing to my child.
I can see where we backed off too much, but no matter WHAT choices you make, if you truly are a good parent there is some doubt. WHile this is NOT admitted by many, MANY chinese mothers (using it in the way the author did, not to mean just those born in China or of Chinese descent), NOT every child in China gets straight As. It is NOT universally good for the kids, and there ARE children raised this way who stop trying because they cannot meet expectations. They are NOT treated with anything remotely resembling human rights by their families and often the family will refuse to even admit they EXIST. Gee, I wonder what THEIR opinion on this is?
I can see that we could expect and demand more of our kids, and give a whole lot less, and have them be better off. I can also see that a LOT of kids from "chinese mothers" grow up with a whole lot of problems that THIS woman seems determined to ignore. The "lavish praise" is not a replacement for the knowledge that your family will love you or even admit you EXIST if you get Bs in school. Esp for daughters - MANY of htem grow up, get high powered "successful" jobs and still feel it is not enough for their parents to love them. I know doctors, lawyers, professors, and successful business owners who are all afraid that if they lose a case, patient, their students get bad grades, or they lose a business deal then their parents will stop speaking to them or will verbally attack them.
I could see this behavior if it changed to respect the choices of an adult child, but it doesn't. The child NEVER stops owing the parent - and NEVER meets the standards expected. It may spur achievement but it also has spurred use of cocaine, meth, etc... among people who's parents treat them like this.
As with all things, moderation between this and the much more permissive Western ways is probably called for.
I will NEVER forget a girl who lived down my hall. She had eating disorders (NEVER spoken about with her parents - it was "expected" because she "had a weight problem" which actually meant she was over 90 pounds at 5'4") and if she got a 98% on a test or assignment it was greeted with an hour of screaming from her mother and father via the phone. Often we could hear them outside ehr room with the door closed - and she was NOT using the speakerphone. She would then cry for hours because she was a "terrible daughter". This girl had a full scholarship including room and meal plan and books AND a monthly stipend. Her education cost her parents the phone calls because she got airfare and some other bennies from a grant for her field. She HATED what she was studying with a PASSION but her parents told her what she would study and what classes she would take. She got bumped from a class because enrollment issues and her mother learned she had a TA instead of a "real professor" so the mom spent about 4 hours screaming about how worthless she was because otherwise the university would have her taking classes with full professors (assistant and associate professors also were a sign that she was a "slacker") and would give her the classes her mother dictated at the times she dictated. This just isn't something that is factored in when students are assigned to classes, nor does a student have ANY control over it. Usually the prof listed in the catalog changed at least once for half your classes, at least at the univ I was attending.
Even going to the doctor was a sign that she was weak and a slacker. heck, needing to take a break to eat after 6-10 hours of studying wasn't okay if she didn't have 100% in every class. It was physically and emotionally painful to watch how this woman was treated by her parents. 100% got "lavish" praise alright - "At least you didn't fail us this time. You had better not fail us ever again." The rest of us "mothered her" and did all we could to help - to the point of bringing her meals on OUR meal plans. her parents would monitor the meal plan and if her grades were not "good enough" then she didn't deserve to eat. She got a 92 % on a test - largely because the only answers offered were all incorrect - and her mother forbade her to eat for a week. It wasn't possible to get 100% because it was a multiple choice test and the answers given were not correct. You couldn't write the correct answer in because it was on a scantron and the prof didn't look at the other part of the test no matter what you put on it. I had the same class with her. It was a nightmare for her - she passed out the third day and spent 2 days in the health center because this being forbidden to eat for days was a common thing and had seriously damaged her body.
Sadly, this was NOT an "extreme" example of what the author is praising as good parenting. It is actually pretty common, or was among the kids from her area. Not all parents go to those extremes that often, but many of the things are pretty common , even expected of "Chinese Mothers", at least according to the Asian women I know who have parents who raised them like this. One family friend is a delightful woman who has run several highly successful businesses and has 2 doctorates and teaches at a major Asian University. The MOST praise her mother has given her is "at least you didn't fail us this time". Her brothers are also expected to succeed but do NOT get this treatment. They get pushed and insulted, but weight issues, drug problems, even losing a job because of layoffs was not enough to have them threaten to kick them out of the family (friend has heard this for years - I have heard her mother and father screaming this over the phone at her.). This friend wears an 8 in US sizes because she is tall - but her mother regularly calls her a fatty and a fat cow and a giant piggy (with snorting noises), simply because she is not super tiny. She has a body fat of about 15% the last time she was at the gym and had this figured. It is extremely low for women, but her mother says this is almost obese.
This friend says her mother has mellowed a LOT from when she was an undergrad student or a child. She is unable to see how special and beautiful she is, or how smart, well educated and accomplished she is. Not to brag about herself, but to even feel she has done a good job is very very difficult.
This may produce people who achieve lots, but it does NOT do healthy things to them. Not to the extremes that this mother is praising it. I am NOT saying that the "western" style is perfect or not in need of some improvements, just that a happy medium between the two styles might be a great thing, Know what I mean??
Ten years later, they'd still be there with Ant STILL refusing to put his fingers on the keys. So even though her method works fine for her kids, it wouldn't work on Ant. But, there are a lot of parents out there that seem to be afraid of their kids.
