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Angry.....difficult child and Fallout.....Venting
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<blockquote data-quote="BusynMember" data-source="post: 635173" data-attributes="member: 1550"><p>Hi there. I wanted to tell you that I hear you and also that it was a while before I realized you adopted your son at age six. That's interesting. I have four adopted children. One I don't list because he totally wants nothing to do with our family so he may as well not be in it. It just hurts to put down the name of a grown adult child you raised from age six to adulthood who decided you aren't his family. I haven't seen him in years and suspect I never will. But that opens me to talk about adopting older children and attachment issues. I have to assume you are aware of attachment disorder, which is basically exactly what antisocial personality disorder is, only it is caused because of lack of warmth, caring and structure in the first three years of life. It speaks to early chaos and instability and is VERY hard to treat. And most psychiatrists miss it, although with a six year old adoptee, you'd think they'd be wiser, but they aren't. They miss it all the time. I've been friendly with the same adoptive parents for over twenty years and almost all of the children adopted older than infancy are in trouble and have all sorts of issues, and the older they are adopted the worse the problems are.</p><p></p><p>Anyone who tells you "The apple doesn't fall far from the tree" is ignorant. If they say it in YOUR case, they are triple ignorant. You did not help form this child's personality. It had already been formed by all of his caregivers before you even got him. He learned to mistrust and be insecure and even hate well before you were able to love him and love can not and does not cure attachment disorder all the time. I've read a few books written by attachment disordered kids who honestly did see how much their parents loved them in the end. It is more common that they don't and continue to live the chaos they knew in their early years. Also, nurture is great, nature is stronger. Our adopted kids tend to be more like their biological parents than us, even if our children never met their relatives. There is nothing about this situation that has anything to do with you. Your son was damaged way before you got to know him. I've adopted two kids who were older than two. And the two year old doesn't have attachment disorder only because his drugged up birthmother walked out on him from the get go and he had only one and very stable foster home before he came to live with us. So he did not ever live in chaos, although drugs were in his system at birth. Did your son have drug exposure while his birthmother was pregnant? That is another issue that's not on you. Alcohol? I digress. Sorry I got off track.</p><p></p><p>Both of my older adoptees were very troubled, but in different ways. I don't list the child I adopted at 11 either because the adoption was undone after he sexually acted out (for a few years...yes years) on my two younger adopted children (don't want you to think all adopted kids are bad...not true. The two youngest are great). The 11 year old left at age 13. He had no choice. As soon as we learned what he'd done, he was gone...couldn't risk the younger kids any further. He was tried and found guilty in a court of law for sexual abuse of a minor although he was only thirteen. They were more than six years younger than him so, in the eyes of the law, he was an adult. His diagnosis at the rehab center for young sexual predators was "Severe Reactive Attachment Disorder." I can only imagine what he's like today. Only I don't want to know. by the way, it was not OUR idea to take him to court. We just wanted him out of the house. He was prosecuted by the County. We had no control and did not go to the court proceeding.</p><p></p><p>I have to say that this kid put on an "I-am-an-angel" act to all adults and his psychiatrist told us he was a great kid, which is why we adopted him at such an old age. But he sure scared kids...they never told on him until he was long gone.</p><p></p><p>I guess my point is that THIS HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH YOU! I get angry enough when people assume we were lousy parents to biological kids or kids adopted at birth, but to actually say that to the parent of a child who didn't come into his/her life until six???? REALLY???? Do they know ANYTHING at all about child development? If not, why are they in careers that deal with children!? The first three yars of a chld's life are implanted on their brains forever.</p><p></p><p>Sorry. I hope my vent didn't make you feel worse. That wasn't my intent. I just wanted you to know that I get as angry as you do about the finger pointing. In your case, it is beyond absurd. When we adopt older children we did not raise them during some extremely early, important developmental years and often they are damaged way before they get to us. I think you did a great job. At least he hasn't walked out on your completely or sexually abused other children.</p><p></p><p>Wear that warrior mom medal proudly. I don't know if you have information on his birth family or what may have happened to him in his foster homes before you came into his life, but perhaps he has inherited some issues from his biological family.</p><p></p><p>Being honest, I would never adopt a child older than an infant ever again. My young, young adopted kids are great. They have bonded. My two older child adoptions were complete failures and my heart was broken twice. Hugs and more hugs!!!!</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="BusynMember, post: 635173, member: 1550"] Hi there. I wanted to tell you that I hear you and also that it was a while before I realized you adopted your son at age six. That's interesting. I have four adopted children. One I don't list because he totally wants nothing to do with our family so he may as well not be in it. It just hurts to put down the name of a grown adult child you raised from age six to adulthood who decided you aren't his family. I haven't seen him in years and suspect I never will. But that opens me to talk about adopting older children and attachment issues. I have to assume you are aware of attachment disorder, which is basically exactly what antisocial personality disorder is, only it is caused because of lack of warmth, caring and structure in the first three years of life. It speaks to early chaos and instability and is VERY hard to treat. And most psychiatrists miss it, although with a six year old adoptee, you'd think they'd be wiser, but they aren't. They miss it all the time. I've been friendly with the same adoptive parents for over twenty years and almost all of the children adopted older than infancy are in trouble and have all sorts of issues, and the older they are adopted the worse the problems are. Anyone who tells you "The apple doesn't fall far from the tree" is ignorant. If they say it in YOUR case, they are triple ignorant. You did not help form this child's personality. It had already been formed by all of his caregivers before you even got him. He learned to mistrust and be insecure and even hate well before you were able to love him and love can not and does not cure attachment disorder all the time. I've read a few books written by attachment disordered kids who honestly did see how much their parents loved them in the end. It is more common that they don't and continue to live the chaos they knew in their early years. Also, nurture is great, nature is stronger. Our adopted kids tend to be more like their biological parents than us, even if our children never met their relatives. There is nothing about this situation that has anything to do with you. Your son was damaged way before you got to know him. I've adopted two kids who were older than two. And the two year old doesn't have attachment disorder only because his drugged up birthmother walked out on him from the get go and he had only one and very stable foster home before he came to live with us. So he did not ever live in chaos, although drugs were in his system at birth. Did your son have drug exposure while his birthmother was pregnant? That is another issue that's not on you. Alcohol? I digress. Sorry I got off track. Both of my older adoptees were very troubled, but in different ways. I don't list the child I adopted at 11 either because the adoption was undone after he sexually acted out (for a few years...yes years) on my two younger adopted children (don't want you to think all adopted kids are bad...not true. The two youngest are great). The 11 year old left at age 13. He had no choice. As soon as we learned what he'd done, he was gone...couldn't risk the younger kids any further. He was tried and found guilty in a court of law for sexual abuse of a minor although he was only thirteen. They were more than six years younger than him so, in the eyes of the law, he was an adult. His diagnosis at the rehab center for young sexual predators was "Severe Reactive Attachment Disorder." I can only imagine what he's like today. Only I don't want to know. by the way, it was not OUR idea to take him to court. We just wanted him out of the house. He was prosecuted by the County. We had no control and did not go to the court proceeding. I have to say that this kid put on an "I-am-an-angel" act to all adults and his psychiatrist told us he was a great kid, which is why we adopted him at such an old age. But he sure scared kids...they never told on him until he was long gone. I guess my point is that THIS HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH YOU! I get angry enough when people assume we were lousy parents to biological kids or kids adopted at birth, but to actually say that to the parent of a child who didn't come into his/her life until six???? REALLY???? Do they know ANYTHING at all about child development? If not, why are they in careers that deal with children!? The first three yars of a chld's life are implanted on their brains forever. Sorry. I hope my vent didn't make you feel worse. That wasn't my intent. I just wanted you to know that I get as angry as you do about the finger pointing. In your case, it is beyond absurd. When we adopt older children we did not raise them during some extremely early, important developmental years and often they are damaged way before they get to us. I think you did a great job. At least he hasn't walked out on your completely or sexually abused other children. Wear that warrior mom medal proudly. I don't know if you have information on his birth family or what may have happened to him in his foster homes before you came into his life, but perhaps he has inherited some issues from his biological family. Being honest, I would never adopt a child older than an infant ever again. My young, young adopted kids are great. They have bonded. My two older child adoptions were complete failures and my heart was broken twice. Hugs and more hugs!!!! [/QUOTE]
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