I'm angry. This is a safe place in this forum, so I'm choosing to vent here.....trusting that it is safe. I'm feeling angry and askew in my perspective right now. difficult child is still in rehab (Day 3) and I am glad for that. So let me just put that out there first. BUT........ Just received a call from the rehab facility that we need to pay our $875 co-pay right now, today. I replied, "It's a 5-day co-pay total and he hasn't even been in there 5 days yet." (his last rehab attempt as 6 months ago and lasted 2 days). Now OF COURSE, I hope he finishes rehab! But the tone of the woman on the phone was blunt, to say the least. And suddenly a flood of PTSD-ish memories washed over me. Like the THOUSANDS AND THOUSANDS of dollars we have paid out for help for him over the years to no avail. Meanwhile, the night before he left for rehab, he revealed to me that as a meth dealer he was making $5600/day. Nice. I don't make $5600/day and never will. And I went to college (on student loans which took me 10 yrs to pay back), and get up for work in the morning, and never got arrested......no, not once. But here I am, still forking out big bucks for him to "consider" trying. I have felt so Zen-like and strong and healthy in my perspective. Having a lapse of perspective this afternoon and my "Zen" done got up and gone. Good time to whip out my "There is no Sanctuary" blurb from Logan's Run. It'll make me laugh later, but not quite yet. I'm still stewing. I'm reminded of all of the times people would make it quite clear that our difficult child must have his problems because we were sucky parents. Uh hunh. Thanks for that. One probation officer once said right to me, "Well, the apple doesn't fall far from the tree." Uh hunh.... THANKS FOR THAT. NOT MY APPLE, NOT MY TREE. Geez, it feels good to vent in here! Sooooo many more memories I could dredge up, but you get the gist. difficult child......... The gift that keeps on giving. Now, having had my little tirade, I feel a little better. And I know it'll pass (passes more quickly than it used to...I'm learning). I'll probably feel a ton better tomorrow morning. A good sleep has a profound effect on me. Fortunately, it's a saving grace that I can usually sleep soundly at night no matter what happened. I'm thankful my body just takes me there, even when my mind won't. I really do sleep like a log. Last night while letting our dog out for his last "deed" for the evening, a sizable, winged bug flew into the house. I was surprised to see that he let me scoop him up and put him outside (I try not to kill spiders, bugs, etc.....for me, all life is sacred....unless, of course, it's me or them! LOL!). Anyway, I was very gentle with this bug. And I came back inside and wished, so deeply, that I could always be as gentle with my difficult child. Today at work (I work in Special Education), I was dealing with an 18-yo autistic boy who wanted me to hold his head often (not unusual). I was reminded of how gentle I was with the bug last night. How gentle I want to be with our difficult child. But sometimes "gentle" isn't the answer. It's the preferred answer, but it's not always the "stand firm" answer. I'm short (4'11"), but I have a very loud/strong voice and can be very feisty in spirit. I love my gentle, but I also love my feisty. The trick is knowing when to use which. All righty, then. Thanks for the "vent". No more words. Except to say that I'm guessing some of you can relate to a whole bunch of pieces of what I said. And though I'm sorry we all feel this at times, I'm grateful we are not alone in it, at least. Always try to end on a note of gratitude. But, I tell ya, man, some days are a challenge! Thanks for listening... Feeling a little better already.