I have to let go..

[dragonfly57]

My adult daughter is homeless and living in a car that is probably not registered. She has a mental illness and is an addict. Maybe people wonder why I don't just let her live with me. it is not that simple and has been an ongoing crisis since she hit puberty. She is 35 now.

I wake up every day with this, a heavy weight I carry around all day, I feel like I am walking through water in a fog. I try to suppress it but it is just below the surface. I have to pull it together to go to work and wait until the last possible minute to walk out the door. I try to allow myself to be distracted while intrusive thoughts are battling for attention. Random jolts of anxiety in my chest are a constant reminder. I bring it home with me, I go to bed with it. It wakes me up in the night in full panic. no escape. it is always there like a dark shadow following me, and never goes away. a nightmare you never wake up from. grieving a person who isn't dead, but isn't living either. It is eating me alive and I feel I am rotting away right along with her.

I read stories about people fearing they will never hear from their estranged adult child again.

My fear, my biggest fear is that I WILL hear from my daughter. It’s not what you think. It's not that I do not want to have a relationship with my daughter, it’s that I only hear from her when she is in crisis. I used to think if I did not hear from her then something terrible happened, and then I realized the only time I do hear from her is when she needs something, money. so, If I do not hear from her then she is “OK” or as OK as a drug addict with mental illness can be. It is like living under a swinging pendulum. Is today the day I will hear from her and she is in a crisis that I cannot and should not rescue her from but have to stay calm like a first responder and make everything all right for her? The urgent mentality of I have a problem so now you have a problem and you need to get on it right now!! And you get sucked in and react because you cannot think straight. Master manipulation that I give in to most of the time.

I started a new job just over 2 years ago and I have not told anyone I have 2 daughters. I only mentioned my youngest. I don’t want to lie but I don't want people asking questions. I cannot handle it so I eliminated my older daughter from the narrative. Not proud of it but it is easier than making things up or remembering the children she lost custody of and you never get to see and try and choke back the tears. So, no, not a great conversation starter when you are trying to get to know your coworkers. They won’t understand. While their children are graduating college, getting married, having children, mine is getting her first allowed take home dose of methadone. Yeah, that's a milestone every parent looks forward to celebrating

I have invested all that I am and everything that I have to try and help her or advocate help for her and all I have done is enable her. I see that now. Even when I thought I was not enabling and tried to do things differently, I still was enabling. she went from being 13 to 18 overnight and it is hard to just stop protecting. It is so hard to let go. I have repeatedly absorbed the consequences of her choices, as did her 2 children and her younger sister. all repeatedly traumatized. never ending grief. so incredibly painful. and she does not seem to care. She refuses to see that she needs professional help, even now.

Her calls asking for money are relentless. I have been ignoring them.. The desperation in her voice makes me so uncomfortable I could vomit.

What is this rock bottom I read about? Is it a real thing or something we cling to in hopes our loved one will hit it someday soon? A pit of some sort where they have the great epiphany and then emerge from the yuck like a phoenix and all ends well and there is a silver lining after all.

Does everyone have one? Does she even have one? I ask, what sort of misery threshold does someone who lives in a car, has no cell phone, no income, lost her children and her family, has no real friends, have? It scares me to think this will never end as she seems to have no insight into her being at the center of all this, and does not take any responsibility or is ever accountable for anything. She is too committed to her own victimhood and has no self awareness. none. I helped because she had kids. She does not have kids anymore. I helped because she has a mental illness, but she seems to be able to hold it together long enough to manipulate me to try and get what she wants, until I say no and she goes from ‘0 to 10’. I never hear from her unless she needs money. cannot hold a job down.cannot maintain relationships of any kind due to conflict. Sabotages any real opportunities to get on her feet and gets kicked out of any living situation.

The ironic part is that she is very resourceful and if she could only get out of her own way and put this skill to good use, she would be so successful and unstoppable at anything. sad. She started modeling when she was younger. She was beautiful. Now she is unrecognizable. All her teeth rotted and had to be pulled because of methadone..it’s horrible… got it together for a short period, got her GED, graduated from a medical assistant program, top of her class. has done nothing with it. She was pregnant at the time with her first.

diagnosed years ago with bipolar - adhd - odd - and could possibly be schizophrenic. She fights with people who are not even there. talks out loud to no one. Is heart wrenching to watch. I fear what will happen to her when I am gone.

self medicates. methadone. prescription drugs. smokes.drinks.

has been in program after program, rehab after rehab, hospital psychiatric ward, state hospital, private programs, group homes, social workers,psychologists, and psychiatrists. trouble with the law and has been arrested.

She actually escaped from a juvenile program by jumping out of a second stroy window. She was not wearing shoes. It was winter and there was snow on the ground. Walked to the nearest house where she convinced the residents, somehow, to give her a ride to a ‘friends’ (dealer) house.

Perhaps she gets her pain threshold from me as ahe has abused me on every level; verbally, physically, emotionally, mentally, financially, and yet I still worry about her and I am sick to my stomach writing this. She called again very early this morning, from a methadone clinic, I should not have answered, but I did, hoping maybe it was a call from a facility and she was getting help as the number displayed ended in 00. I told her she needs to get professional help and I was not going to give her any money. all she said was "huh?" like what am I talking about. I hung up. a nice way to start the day with an anxiety attack.

I have given her approximately $15,000 in the past three years alone to try and help her get on her feet and get started in an apartment and have a car to get to work. She was evicted from 2 apartments and that car got 'stolen'. I have paid for hotels, gas, food, rentals, or at least I thought, probably the money was spent on drugs and alcohol. wtf knows. I want to believe she is not actively using and really needs money for basic needs, but I am only kidding myself.

I told her if she does not get professional help and commit to being part of her own solution I can no longer have any contact with her, but she manages to wear me down. late night phone calls from a gas station, or borrows strangers phones, I ignore the calls and then she shows up at my home. I told her she cannot do that and I will call the police. I hate that I have to resort to calling the police on my own daughter but she will cause a big scene and trouble for me. I am trying to set and enforce boundaries. no more empty words.

I am 57, single, and not where I should be financially for retirement and it scares the out of me. I cannot keep doing this. It is helping no one. and yet she will say no one cares, no one helps her, no one understands, no one loves her. Is she selfish? immature? master manipulator? all of the above? Yes, she is.

Is this the little boy who cried wolf? Chicken little? That perhaps now she really needs money. I am hoping and praying this is her rock bottom and she will go and get help!! How long can you live begging and scraping and not know your situation is dire? And that you have a serious problem??!! UGH!!!

I try to point out there are consequences to her choices and she will say I am throwing her past in her face. I’m sorry, Is two weeks ago the past? Sometimes we need to be reminded that choices = consequences and SAME choices = SAME consequences.

Is it possible she has this impenetrable outer narcissistic shell that is protecting a soft bipolar underbelly? Thus, the misery threshold.

I get angry as she refuses to go to a shelter, as if she is in a position to be picky. She lives in the moment, and does not see how that could be a conduit to a better future. To complicate things, she got a dog, brilliant. Yes, that is exactly what needs to happen! She cannot take care of herself, but she gets a dog. a BIG one. I cannot have pets at my apartment because of a lease, nor do I want one that size in my apartment. And, I cannot have someone who I do not trust in my home. someone who is emotionally unstable and will erupt at any time and unleash her emotions on you like a fire hose, until she fizzles out. I walk on eggshells. someone who hoards, is not clean, and stashes food under the bed. someone who might start a fire because she was careless with a cigarette and does not smoke in designated areas outside, or has left the stove on. someone who steals and I have to hide my purse from. someone who does not respect personal boundaries, house rules or authority. someone who does not respect me.

I realize I am codependent. I have so much anxiety. hypervigilant. I am exhausted. I need to take care of myself. I know that. I feel so guilty when I do practice self care knowing she is going without and is suffering in some way. but I too am suffering, every day, and for years.

I have to remind myself this is the result of her choices. I did not choose this life for her and I will not support this lifestyle. And that is ok. enough is enough. It has overtaken my life and my peace.

I pray everyday, constantly. I need help getting and staying strong. I need help letting go and letting God.

There is a hurricane coming this weekend and I am terrified. Winter is just around the corner. I am at a loss, again, as I ponder should I make a call on her behalf or is that interfering and enabling? not sure what good it would do anyway as I do not know where she is.

if you made it this far, thanks for reading and sorry for the rant. It was not my intention. I have never actually posted anything like this before now. Twenty plus years built up... sigh

I am grateful for finding this online support forum and plan on attending a family support group.

 

[Not Unique]

My adult daughter is homeless and living in a car that is probably not registered. She has a mental illness and is an addict. Maybe people wonder why I don't just let her live with me. it is not that simple and has been an ongoing crisis since she hit puberty. She is 35 now.

I wake up every day with this, a heavy weight I carry around all day, I feel like I am walking through water in a fog. I try to suppress it but it is just below the surface. I have to pull it together to go to work and wait until the last possible minute to walk out the door. I try to allow myself to be distracted while intrusive thoughts are battling for attention. Random jolts of anxiety in my chest are a constant reminder. I bring it home with me, I go to bed with it. It wakes me up in the night in full panic. no escape. it is always there like a dark shadow following me, and never goes away. a nightmare you never wake up from. grieving a person who isn't dead, but isn't living either. It is eating me alive and I feel I am rotting away right along with her.

I read stories about people fearing they will never hear from their estranged adult child again.

My fear, my biggest fear is that I WILL hear from my daughter. It’s not what you think. It's not that I do not want to have a relationship with my daughter, it’s that I only hear from her when she is in crisis. I used to think if I did not hear from her then something terrible happened, and then I realized the only time I do hear from her is when she needs something, money. so, If I do not hear from her then she is “OK” or as OK as a drug addict with mental illness can be. It is like living under a swinging pendulum. Is today the day I will hear from her and she is in a crisis that I cannot and should not rescue her from but have to stay calm like a first responder and make everything all right for her? The urgent mentality of I have a problem so now you have a problem and you need to get on it right now!! And you get sucked in and react because you cannot think straight. Master manipulation that I give in to most of the time.

I started a new job just over 2 years ago and I have not told anyone I have 2 daughters. I only mentioned my youngest. I don’t want to lie but I don't want people asking questions. I cannot handle it so I eliminated my older daughter from the narrative. Not proud of it but it is easier than making things up or remembering the children she lost custody of and you never get to see and try and choke back the tears. So, no, not a great conversation starter when you are trying to get to know your coworkers. They won’t understand. While their children are graduating college, getting married, having children, mine is getting her first allowed take home dose of methadone. Yeah, that's a milestone every parent looks forward to celebrating

I have invested all that I am and everything that I have to try and help her or advocate help for her and all I have done is enable her. I see that now. Even when I thought I was not enabling and tried to do things differently, I still was enabling. she went from being 13 to 18 overnight and it is hard to just stop protecting. It is so hard to let go. I have repeatedly absorbed the consequences of her choices, as did her 2 children and her younger sister. all repeatedly traumatized. never ending grief. so incredibly painful. and she does not seem to care. She refuses to see that she needs professional help, even now.

Her calls asking for money are relentless. I have been ignoring them.. The desperation in her voice makes me so uncomfortable I could vomit.

What is this rock bottom I read about? Is it a real thing or something we cling to in hopes our loved one will hit it someday soon? A pit of some sort where they have the great epiphany and then emerge from the yuck like a phoenix and all ends well and there is a silver lining after all.

Does everyone have one? Does she even have one? I ask, what sort of misery threshold does someone who lives in a car, has no cell phone, no income, lost her children and her family, has no real friends, have? It scares me to think this will never end as she seems to have no insight into her being at the center of all this, and does not take any responsibility or is ever accountable for anything. She is too committed to her own victimhood and has no self awareness. none. I helped because she had kids. She does not have kids anymore. I helped because she has a mental illness, but she seems to be able to hold it together long enough to manipulate me to try and get what she wants, until I say no and she goes from ‘0 to 10’. I never hear from her unless she needs money. cannot hold a job down.cannot maintain relationships of any kind due to conflict. Sabotages any real opportunities to get on her feet and gets kicked out of any living situation.

The ironic part is that she is very resourceful and if she could only get out of her own way and put this skill to good use, she would be so successful and unstoppable at anything. sad. She started modeling when she was younger. She was beautiful. Now she is unrecognizable. All her teeth rotted and had to be pulled because of methadone..it’s horrible… got it together for a short period, got her GED, graduated from a medical assistant program, top of her class. has done nothing with it. She was pregnant at the time with her first.

diagnosed years ago with bipolar - adhd - odd - and could possibly be schizophrenic. She fights with people who are not even there. talks out loud to no one. Is heart wrenching to watch. I fear what will happen to her when I am gone.

self medicates. methadone. prescription drugs. smokes.drinks.

has been in program after program, rehab after rehab, hospital psychiatric ward, state hospital, private programs, group homes, social workers,psychologists, and psychiatrists. trouble with the law and has been arrested.

She actually escaped from a juvenile program by jumping out of a second stroy window. She was not wearing shoes. It was winter and there was snow on the ground. Walked to the nearest house where she convinced the residents, somehow, to give her a ride to a ‘friends’ (dealer) house.

Perhaps she gets her pain threshold from me as ahe has abused me on every level; verbally, physically, emotionally, mentally, financially, and yet I still worry about her and I am sick to my stomach writing this. She called again very early this morning, from a methadone clinic, I should not have answered, but I did, hoping maybe it was a call from a facility and she was getting help as the number displayed ended in 00. I told her she needs to get professional help and I was not going to give her any money. all she said was "huh?" like what am I talking about. I hung up. a nice way to start the day with an anxiety attack.

I have given her approximately $15,000 in the past three years alone to try and help her get on her feet and get started in an apartment and have a car to get to work. She was evicted from 2 apartments and that car got 'stolen'. I have paid for hotels, gas, food, rentals, or at least I thought, probably the money was spent on drugs and alcohol. wtf knows. I want to believe she is not actively using and really needs money for basic needs, but I am only kidding myself.

I told her if she does not get professional help and commit to being part of her own solution I can no longer have any contact with her, but she manages to wear me down. late night phone calls from a gas station, or borrows strangers phones, I ignore the calls and then she shows up at my home. I told her she cannot do that and I will call the police. I hate that I have to resort to calling the police on my own daughter but she will cause a big scene and trouble for me. I am trying to set and enforce boundaries. no more empty words.

I am 57, single, and not where I should be financially for retirement and it scares the out of me. I cannot keep doing this. It is helping no one. and yet she will say no one cares, no one helps her, no one understands, no one loves her. Is she selfish? immature? master manipulator? all of the above? Yes, she is.

Is this the little boy who cried wolf? Chicken little? That perhaps now she really needs money. I am hoping and praying this is her rock bottom and she will go and get help!! How long can you live begging and scraping and not know your situation is dire? And that you have a serious problem??!! UGH!!!

I try to point out there are consequences to her choices and she will say I am throwing her past in her face. I’m sorry, Is two weeks ago the past? Sometimes we need to be reminded that choices = consequences and SAME choices = SAME consequences.

Is it possible she has this impenetrable outer narcissistic shell that is protecting a soft bipolar underbelly? Thus, the misery threshold.

I get angry as she refuses to go to a shelter, as if she is in a position to be picky. She lives in the moment, and does not see how that could be a conduit to a better future. To complicate things, she got a dog, brilliant. Yes, that is exactly what needs to happen! She cannot take care of herself, but she gets a dog. a BIG one. I cannot have pets at my apartment because of a lease, nor do I want one that size in my apartment. And, I cannot have someone who I do not trust in my home. someone who is emotionally unstable and will erupt at any time and unleash her emotions on you like a fire hose, until she fizzles out. I walk on eggshells. someone who hoards, is not clean, and stashes food under the bed. someone who might start a fire because she was careless with a cigarette and does not smoke in designated areas outside, or has left the stove on. someone who steals and I have to hide my purse from. someone who does not respect personal boundaries, house rules or authority. someone who does not respect me.

I realize I am codependent. I have so much anxiety. hypervigilant. I am exhausted. I need to take care of myself. I know that. I feel so guilty when I do practice self care knowing she is going without and is suffering in some way. but I too am suffering, every day, and for years.

I have to remind myself this is the result of her choices. I did not choose this life for her and I will not support this lifestyle. And that is ok. enough is enough. It has overtaken my life and my peace.

I pray everyday, constantly. I need help getting and staying strong. I need help letting go and letting God.

There is a hurricane coming this weekend and I am terrified. Winter is just around the corner. I am at a loss, again, as I ponder should I make a call on her behalf or is that interfering and enabling? not sure what good it would do anyway as I do not know where she is.

if you made it this far, thanks for reading and sorry for the rant. It was not my intention. I have never actually posted anything like this before now. Twenty plus years built up... sigh

I am grateful for finding this online support forum and plan on attending a family support group.

Hi dragonfly: I don’t post often, because I feel I am not full of good advice. I have been a receiver of so many wise folks on this forum, though. I check in often to see posts. My heart really goes out to you reading this post this morning. I am sitting at a coffee shop trying to have some “me time”. I am identifying with everything you said about your daughter. I have a 30-year-old son who has bipolar one/schizo affective/borderline personality disorder. These are some of the more usual diagnoses from the many professionals he has seen. My son, since he was 17, has been in more psychiatric units, jails, and homeless situations than I care to count. He got out of jail in June and begged to come across the country to live with us again. Pleading to me that he was mentally ill and could not help everything he does. My heart was so broken when I had to tell him no I could not live with him. we did provide funds for him to go to sober living, one of the many vices he uses for distracting himself is crystal meth, and compulsive, gambling and cyber stalking innocent women. He actually had 10 weeks of following the rules of the house and staying relatively well with taking his medications and staying out of trouble. He certainly wasn’t interested in doing any type of 12 step program/therapeutic/getting a job, but at least he was somewhat stable. Now we get the call that he has decided to move out of the sober house and move in with one of his childhood friends who has been his constant gambling companion, and the two of them are like two dead batteries trying to start a car. We told him he gets no money from us for rent if he’s living with his friend only if he’s living in a sober environment. he said he’s doing well so he doesn’t need our money right now. Well, like you said, I am just waiting for the phone to ring yet again and the begging and pleading about how he’s eating from dumpsters and has nowhere to go because his friend threw them out. This situation has repeated itself for years now. My heart is in my throat , and I just ran into a lovely couple that my son went to school with their son when he was young, and they asked how my son was doing. I can’t tell you how it breaks my heart to have to be somewhat vague, and just tell them he struggles. It’s just a nightmare, over and over again. But a nightmare that I have been able to get through When I handle it just a day at a time. And I mean that. For me, I can’t focus on what he did, or what he might do incessantly because that leads me to despair. I keep telling myself stay in the moment and ask God for help. That’s the most I can do.

 

[New Leaf]

Hello Dragonfly,
I am so sorry for your need to be here but glad you found this place. You have been hurting for a very long time. Parts of your story could be mine, a combo of my two wayward daughters, actually.

I wake up every day with this, a heavy weight I carry around all day, I feel like I am walking through water in a fog. I try to suppress it but it is just below the surface.

This was me a few years ago. Deeply entrenched in my daughters choices, miserable and stuck. It’s an awful feeling. The good news is that you are recognizing the toll it is taking on your life. The hard news is that nothing changes, if nothing changes. As parents of addicted, using, possibly dual diagnosis adult children, it is imperative to realize that we cannot and must not base our lives and our physical, mental and spiritual health on their choices and consequences. We have absolutely no control over them. They will do what they will do. Recognizing this helps to be a catalyst for us to change. That is key, knowing we cannot change them, but with work, we can change our reactions, change our behaviors and perception.

Random jolts of anxiety in my chest are a constant reminder. I bring it home with me, I go to bed with it. It wakes me up in the night in full panic. no escape. it is always there like a dark shadow following me, and never goes away. a nightmare you never wake up from. grieving a person who isn't dead, but isn't living either. It is eating me alive and I feel I am rotting away right along with her.

Many of us have gone down this road and then some. It is agonizing. I liken it to double drowning, you see some one in trouble in the water and go to save them, they end up using you as a buoy and take you into the deep with them. There were many times when I just could not get a good breath in. Anxiety and stress.

And you get sucked in and react because you cannot think straight. Master manipulation that I give in to most of the time.

The first step to creating change within yourself is to recognize the problem. Our addicted loved ones know exactly how to hit us at our center, pull at our heartstrings to keep us off balance. We are easily manipulated this way. What helps me find my balance and center is the realization that nothing I have said, done or given my two actually helped them to make better choices. They continued to use drugs and in turn, use me.

While their children are graduating college, getting married, having children, mine is getting her first allowed take home dose of methadone. Yeah, that's a milestone every parent looks forward to celebrating

There are more folks out there affected by addiction in the family than we realize. In the midst of my anguish, I felt the same way as you do. I was glad that my workmates had happy stories with their adult children, but it just drove the sadness of my kids reality deeper. I was so stuck and attached to the misery of my twos choices and the never ending cycling of drama and chaos. It was eating me alive, too.

I have invested all that I am and everything that I have to try and help her or advocate help for her and all I have done is enable her. I see that now.

So, in other words YOU have hit your rock bottom in trying to cope with this. GOOD. There is no where to go but UP from this.

I have repeatedly absorbed the consequences of her choices, as did her 2 children and her younger sister. all repeatedly traumatized. never ending grief. so incredibly painful. and she does not seem to care. She refuses to see that she needs professional help, even now.

Addiction is an incredibly selfish beast. It will mow down anyone in its path. That is the insidiousness of it. Knowing this and living it as we have, seeing it for what it is can help us to begin to detach from our loved ones behaviors (and our own reaction and behaviors) and learn how to create healthier habits for ourselves.

She is too committed to her own victimhood and has no self awareness. none. I helped because she had kids. She does not have kids anymore. I helped because she has a mental illness, but she seems to be able to hold it together long enough to manipulate me to try and get what she wants, until I say no and she goes from ‘0 to 10’. I never hear from her unless she needs money. cannot hold a job down.cannot maintain relationships of any kind due to conflict. Sabotages any real opportunities to get on her feet and gets kicked out of any living situation.

It is not possible to help someone who does not want real help. I understand your path, it is similar to mine. Hubs and I “helped” for years because of our grands. Years. I am sure my two have issues with mental health, even moreso due to drug use. I started to wake up to the hard reality and the toll their choices were taking on the family when I found my then teenaged son sobbing uncontrollably on my bed. I couldn’t see my own decline and distress, but that image of him is permanently seared in my brain. No one has the right to take away your peace. No one. Toxic behavior is toxic, even if it comes from our adult children. It is unacceptable.

The ironic part is that she is very resourceful and if she could only get out of her own way and put this skill to good use, she would be so successful and unstoppable at anything.

This is what I hang on to for my two. They have inner light and potential. They are resourceful. I have had to let go of what I call “catastrophic mindset.” It is hard not to imagine the absolute worst case scenario when our adult children are out there doing God only knows what. BUT. It does nothing for us to carry imagery of horrific end results. When my mind drifts there, to the edge of that rabbit hole, I have to pray. I give my two to God. There is no use killing myself with nightmarish thoughts of what could be.

Perhaps she gets her pain threshold from me as ahe has abused me on every level; verbally, physically, emotionally, mentally, financially, and yet I still worry about her and I am sick to my stomach writing this. She called again very early this morning, from a methadone clinic, I should not have answered, but I did, hoping maybe it was a call from a facility and she was getting help as the number displayed ended in 00. I told her she needs to get professional help and I was not going to give her any money. all she said was "huh?" like what am I talking about. I hung up. a nice way to start the day with an anxiety attack.

Who knows why our wayward adult kids do what they do? It is absolute insanity the way my two live.
But, I have no control over their choices, worrying and fretting just wears me down. I know how it feels when “that phone call” appears. The sinking heart, churning stomach. The “what now” then the guilt over feeling that way. The guilt over forming the word “NO” hearing it from your mouth, (I actually said no?) then the subsequent reaction, from your kid and the lump in your throat. My Tornado used to ploy me with the “unconditional love” line. Well, love says no. It takes some time to get adjusted to it. We don’t help our adult kids by allowing them to use us. We certainly don’t help ourselves.

I am 57, single, and not where I should be financially for retirement and it scares the out of me. I cannot keep doing this. It is helping no one. and yet she will say no one cares, no one helps her, no one understands, no one loves her. Is she selfish? immature? master manipulator? all of the above? Yes, she is.

You are correct, you cannot keep doing this. Yes, she is all of the above. You need to see this. I am sorry, it hurts. I have to work hard not to fall back into old patterns. Our wayward adult children will continue to use the same tactics that work for them. Seeing the manipulation for what it is, helps us to stop the knee jerk reaction to cave. We need help to see the whole picture, our own involvement and responsibility to take care of ourselves. I found helpers, writing here and getting kind advice from folks who have “been there, done that”, helped, finding mentors in works from philosophers, psychologists, poets, inspirational quotes. One quote that works for me- “What you allow, will continue.”
It has not been a straight line to finding my sanity and grounding. I still have to work hard. What I do know is that I abandoned myself for many, many years in desperation, trying to fix the unfixable. My focus was on the drama and chaos unfolding with my two. I was deeply ingrained.
It feels weird when you first take steps to come out of it. We are so entrenched in the pattern, giving in to our waywards manipulation feels like love. It is not. Overthinking and ruminating on their consequences and what may be, feels like love, it is not. Spiraling downward in the despair feels like love, it is not. Understanding what love truly is, takes work. Love says no, not only to what our addicted adult children’s demands are, but saying no to our own emotional downfall. We have to learn all over again to love ourselves enough to stop spiraling down the rabbit hole with our kids. We cannot control their choices. We cannot stop the madness by allowing ourselves to hit emotional, mental, physical and financial rock bottom and stay there. It takes hard work to switch focus on what you can control, your reactions. It takes a whole lot of self love. Self love is not selfish, it is essential to our being. It is what we wish for our children, that they will take care of themselves and hold themselves in a higher regard, better their lives, make better choices. We can’t do that for them, they have to decide. We can do it for ourselves. We must. It is survival. It is the best way to begin to truly help our kids, by showing them with our own actions that we all must stand up for ourselves.

I am hoping and praying this is her rock bottom and she will go and get help!! How long can you live begging and scraping and not know your situation is dire? And that you have a serious problem??!! UGH!!!

I hope and pray that my two see their light and potential. The consequences they have reaped in my opinion are beyond rock bottom, like journey to the center of the earth. Ugh is right.

And, I cannot have someone who I do not trust in my home. someone who is emotionally unstable and will erupt at any time and unleash her emotions on you like a fire hose, until she fizzles out. I walk on eggshells. someone who hoards, is not clean, and stashes food under the bed. someone who might start a fire because she was careless with a cigarette and does not smoke in designated areas outside, or has left the stove on. someone who steals and I have to hide my purse from. someone who does not respect personal boundaries, house rules or authority. someone who does not respect me.

You are right, Dragonfly, you cannot have someone disrespect the sanctity of your home and destroy your peace of mind. We hid our stuff too, after things went missing. My young son said it perfectly. “Mom, why do we have people (his older sisters) living with us that we can’t trust?”

I realize I am codependent. I have so much anxiety. hypervigilant. I am exhausted. I need to take care of myself. I know that. I feel so guilty when I do practice self care knowing she is going without and is suffering in some way. but I too am suffering, every day, and for years.

Realizing is the first step. Work to fix it. Yourself, I mean. How many years I wasted trying to fix my two. It was not my job and nothing I did worked. Guilt is something to work hard on, it keeps us entrenched in enabling. These are her choices, her consequences, not yours. There is an acronym for the feelings we have with our addicted adult children- Fear-Obligation-Guilt. This combination keeps us in the game. We all made mistakes as parents. My kids would tell me it’s my fault they are the way they are. I was afraid if I stopped “helping”-what would happen to my grands? I felt obliged to help them, guilt that I caused their issues, guilt that I had a roof over my head. The list goes on. FOG is an accurate description of what happens to us emotionally and mentally trying to control an outcome we have no control over. We desperately want our kids to make better choices, the FOG blinds us into thinking that we can do something to fix them. It’s not up to us, it is up to them.

I pray everyday, constantly. I need help getting and staying strong. I need help letting go and letting God.

Prayer has helped me tremendously. Giving our addicted children to God is not a cop out. I began to recognize that the problem was way over my head, way too much for me to handle and that I had tried about everything to my own demise and detriment. I would wake up early before work and go walking and pray daily not only for my two daughters, but for God to give me the strength to get through the day. I believe the movement of walking helped me too. Creating a routine of healthy habits helps to lift ourselves up out of the fog.

There is a hurricane coming this weekend and I am terrified. Winter is just around the corner. I am at a loss, again, as I ponder should I make a call on her behalf or is that interfering and enabling? not sure what good it would do anyway as I do not know where she is.

My dear Dragonfly, how I know how this feels. Worst case scenarios spinning in your head and heart does absolutely nothing for your daughter, and will drive you into an early grave. Circular thinking, ruminating over what ifs, are all part of our own illness in living with the reality of addicted loved ones. Stop. Breathe. Pray. Find ways to fix your mindset. It takes work to change life patterns. You have begun the journey by recognizing the truths of your relationship with your daughter. If, we can call it a relationship. We can love our wayward children without taking the consequences of their choices as our own. Our hearts can be treacherous in having us believe that we have to be entrenched and enmeshed, depressed and distraught in the madness of their lives. We begin to feel that there is no way to find joy unless our kids are doing well. There is no good to come of two people drowning in the quicksand. You have taken the first important step, seeing things for what they are. The next is to find ways to disentangle yourself from your daughters choices. She will do as she wishes. What do you want for yourself? I have come to realize that I wasted many years wishing for an outcome, more than my two. I still have hope for them, but they need to take responsibility for their future. It is as if my investing all my energy into their consequences, took away their capability to pull up. Now, I see that not only my surviving this, but striving and thriving is the best way to show them that they can too. You can. You are worth the effort. You have value. Your peace of mind and heart is important.

I have never actually posted anything like this before now. Twenty plus years built up... sigh

Twenty years is a long hard road. You are waking up and seeing the toll it has taken on you. You are the captain of your ship, your daughter of her own. She sails into the storm, you do not need to follow her. That is not love. Love says no, I will not go into deep despair over something I have no control over. No, I will not fund your bad habits, no, you cannot use me, disrespect me, or trample on me. I love you. But no. There are limits and boundaries for everyone. We must draw a line in the sand and not allow others to steal our peace. Even if it is our own beloveds.
This is hard, but self preservation is crucial to our own well being. Find ways to work on you. Find ways to build yourself up. It will not get easier as you make changes. It feels foreign. We have been trained by our adult kids to follow them into the rabbit hole. We are more easily manipulated when we are dazed and confused. Allowing our kids to manipulate us does nothing to help them see their reality. In order to stand strong, we must rebuild our foundation, see our weak points and fortify ourselves. I truly believe this is the best way to “help” our waywards. We are their first teachers, teach your daughter to love herself by setting boundaries and getting back your self worth. You have already proven your strength by surviving twenty years of insanity. You are the only one who can stop the crazy in your life. That doesn’t depend on whether your daughter wakes up or not, it depends on you opening your own eyes, seeing the road you have gone down, knowing that is hasn’t helped your daughter and it will be the death of you if you continue as is. She will not change unless she wants to. But, you can change your own emotional response and find your center.
You are so worth the effort.
(((Hugs)))
New Leaf

 

[Nomad]

Welcome and hugs. It was heart wrenching reading your story, Dragonfly. The addiction part...methodone...and the horrible toll it has taken is particular heartbreaking.
A lot of your words resonate with me and with other stories I have read here. Sadly. The lack of insight, the commitment to their own victimhood, the lack of responsibility, accountability and complete lack of self awareness. WOW. That sums up our daughter in sooo many ways.

And ironically, our daughter is also bright and resourceful. It's mindboggling to know this.

I recall going through that "scares me this will never end" "phase." I say "phase" because I don't know how to put it exactly and eventually I got some peace with this thought. It was a realization that there may not be much hope. BUT, of course, we hope for the best because we are their parent (s).

Detachment and setting boundaries are the only ways to save OUR sanity. For you, there is hope. For us, there is hope. And your daughter will have to honestly and sincerely chose to make a change for there to be real hope for her. Sadly, you can't do this for her.

Your use of the words "misery threshold" were powerful. What will it take? What is rock bottom? I don't know. Our daughter has lost sooo much. Each living arrangement she finds for herself is more and more limited and she has been extraordinarily near homeless a few times now. She seems to be kind of / sort of getting it...I kind of / sort of think a teeny bit is sinking in. But, she repeats bad decisions a LOT, so I can't count on it. Someone once said, everything she touches turns to "blank." I started to argue...and then thought about it and had to be quiet.

In our case, and each case is different... we have become comfortable with our daughter living in another state. We help her with medical type things and literally pay her to use birth control. I know that sounds weird, but she would not use bc otherwise and well....the consequences of not using it is obvious to most thinking people and in this case, the consequences are extra ...let's just say "problematic." We greatly , big time limit our willingness to help her financially...even if she begs and carries on. We will entertain medical needs. We have boundaries all over the place and it has helped.

Also, I suspect we demonstrate the skill of self control for them when we don't give in to their crazy demands.

I hope your daughter can get to drug treatment and most of all, finds something within herself that makes her truly want to get better.

And I hope you can find for yourself some peace. Please consider at least short term therapy if you haven't tried that yet. This stuff is seriously difficult. And I agree, prayer IS helpful. Also, there are "Anonymous" groups like Families Anonymous that can be of tremendous help. Sending good thoughts...

 

[dragonfly57]

Hi dragonfly: I don’t post often, because I feel I am not full of good advice. I have been a receiver of so many wise folks on this forum, though. I check in often to see posts. My heart really goes out to you reading this post this morning. I am sitting at a coffee shop trying to have some “me time”. I am identifying with everything you said about your daughter. I have a 30-year-old son who has bipolar one/schizo affective/borderline personality disorder. These are some of the more usual diagnoses from the many professionals he has seen. My son, since he was 17, has been in more psychiatric units, jails, and homeless situations than I care to count. He got out of jail in June and begged to come across the country to live with us again. Pleading to me that he was mentally ill and could not help everything he does. My heart was so broken when I had to tell him no I could not live with him. we did provide funds for him to go to sober living, one of the many vices he uses for distracting himself is crystal meth, and compulsive, gambling and cyber stalking innocent women. He actually had 10 weeks of following the rules of the house and staying relatively well with taking his medications and staying out of trouble. He certainly wasn’t interested in doing any type of 12 step program/therapeutic/getting a job, but at least he was somewhat stable. Now we get the call that he has decided to move out of the sober house and move in with one of his childhood friends who has been his constant gambling companion, and the two of them are like two dead batteries trying to start a car. We told him he gets no money from us for rent if he’s living with his friend only if he’s living in a sober environment. he said he’s doing well so he doesn’t need our money right now. Well, like you said, I am just waiting for the phone to ring yet again and the begging and pleading about how he’s eating from dumpsters and has nowhere to go because his friend threw them out. This situation has repeated itself for years now. My heart is in my throat , and I just ran into a lovely couple that my son went to school with their son when he was young, and they asked how my son was doing. I can’t tell you how it breaks my heart to have to be somewhat vague, and just tell them he struggles. It’s just a nightmare, over and over again. But a nightmare that I have been able to get through When I handle it just a day at a time. And I mean that. For me, I can’t focus on what he did, or what he might do incessantly because that leads me to despair. I keep telling myself stay in the moment and ask God for help. That’s the most I can do.

Hi Not Unique, Thank you so much for not only taking the time to read my post, but for your honest and heartfelt reply. It really means a lot. I have read your other posts as well and I am so sorry about your son and you have had to bear this pain as well. When I woke up this morning I immediately started ruminating about my post and had second thoughts. After reading your kind words and the replies of others I felt better about sharing my story. I need to stop isolating and connect more with the world even if it is through a forum. I think I have found a safe place to do that with others who really do understand and do not judge. I am already feeling a bit stronger. And I will try and take it one day at a time as that is good advice! Thank you again.

 

[dragonfly57]

Hello Dragonfly,
I am so sorry for your need to be here but glad you found this place. You have been hurting for a very long time. Parts of your story could be mine, a combo of my two wayward daughters, actually.

This was me a few years ago. Deeply entrenched in my daughters choices, miserable and stuck. It’s an awful feeling. The good news is that you are recognizing the toll it is taking on your life. The hard news is that nothing changes, if nothing changes. As parents of addicted, using, possibly dual diagnosis adult children, it is imperative to realize that we cannot and must not base our lives and our physical, mental and spiritual health on their choices and consequences. We have absolutely no control over them. They will do what they will do. Recognizing this helps to be a catalyst for us to change. That is key, knowing we cannot change them, but with work, we can change our reactions, change our behaviors and perception.

Many of us have gone down this road and then some. It is agonizing. I liken it to double drowning, you see some one in trouble in the water and go to save them, they end up using you as a buoy and take you into the deep with them. There were many times when I just could not get a good breath in. Anxiety and stress.

The first step to creating change within yourself is to recognize the problem. Our addicted loved ones know exactly how to hit us at our center, pull at our heartstrings to keep us off balance. We are easily manipulated this way. What helps me find my balance and center is the realization that nothing I have said, done or given my two actually helped them to make better choices. They continued to use drugs and in turn, use me.

There are more folks out there affected by addiction in the family than we realize. In the midst of my anguish, I felt the same way as you do. I was glad that my workmates had happy stories with their adult children, but it just drove the sadness of my kids reality deeper. I was so stuck and attached to the misery of my twos choices and the never ending cycling of drama and chaos. It was eating me alive, too.

So, in other words YOU have hit your rock bottom in trying to cope with this. GOOD. There is no where to go but UP from this.

Addiction is an incredibly selfish beast. It will mow down anyone in its path. That is the insidiousness of it. Knowing this and living it as we have, seeing it for what it is can help us to begin to detach from our loved ones behaviors (and our own reaction and behaviors) and learn how to create healthier habits for ourselves.

It is not possible to help someone who does not want real help. I understand your path, it is similar to mine. Hubs and I “helped” for years because of our grands. Years. I am sure my two have issues with mental health, even moreso due to drug use. I started to wake up to the hard reality and the toll their choices were taking on the family when I found my then teenaged son sobbing uncontrollably on my bed. I couldn’t see my own decline and distress, but that image of him is permanently seared in my brain. No one has the right to take away your peace. No one. Toxic behavior is toxic, even if it comes from our adult children. It is unacceptable.

This is what I hang on to for my two. They have inner light and potential. They are resourceful. I have had to let go of what I call “catastrophic mindset.” It is hard not to imagine the absolute worst case scenario when our adult children are out there doing God only knows what. BUT. It does nothing for us to carry imagery of horrific end results. When my mind drifts there, to the edge of that rabbit hole, I have to pray. I give my two to God. There is no use killing myself with nightmarish thoughts of what could be.

Who knows why our wayward adult kids do what they do? It is absolute insanity the way my two live.
But, I have no control over their choices, worrying and fretting just wears me down. I know how it feels when “that phone call” appears. The sinking heart, churning stomach. The “what now” then the guilt over feeling that way. The guilt over forming the word “NO” hearing it from your mouth, (I actually said no?) then the subsequent reaction, from your kid and the lump in your throat. My Tornado used to ploy me with the “unconditional love” line. Well, love says no. It takes some time to get adjusted to it. We don’t help our adult kids by allowing them to use us. We certainly don’t help ourselves.

You are correct, you cannot keep doing this. Yes, she is all of the above. You need to see this. I am sorry, it hurts. I have to work hard not to fall back into old patterns. Our wayward adult children will continue to use the same tactics that work for them. Seeing the manipulation for what it is, helps us to stop the knee jerk reaction to cave. We need help to see the whole picture, our own involvement and responsibility to take care of ourselves. I found helpers, writing here and getting kind advice from folks who have “been there, done that”, helped, finding mentors in works from philosophers, psychologists, poets, inspirational quotes. One quote that works for me- “What you allow, will continue.”
It has not been a straight line to finding my sanity and grounding. I still have to work hard. What I do know is that I abandoned myself for many, many years in desperation, trying to fix the unfixable. My focus was on the drama and chaos unfolding with my two. I was deeply ingrained.
It feels weird when you first take steps to come out of it. We are so entrenched in the pattern, giving in to our waywards manipulation feels like love. It is not. Overthinking and ruminating on their consequences and what may be, feels like love, it is not. Spiraling downward in the despair feels like love, it is not. Understanding what love truly is, takes work. Love says no, not only to what our addicted adult children’s demands are, but saying no to our own emotional downfall. We have to learn all over again to love ourselves enough to stop spiraling down the rabbit hole with our kids. We cannot control their choices. We cannot stop the madness by allowing ourselves to hit emotional, mental, physical and financial rock bottom and stay there. It takes hard work to switch focus on what you can control, your reactions. It takes a whole lot of self love. Self love is not selfish, it is essential to our being. It is what we wish for our children, that they will take care of themselves and hold themselves in a higher regard, better their lives, make better choices. We can’t do that for them, they have to decide. We can do it for ourselves. We must. It is survival. It is the best way to begin to truly help our kids, by showing them with our own actions that we all must stand up for ourselves.

I hope and pray that my two see their light and potential. The consequences they have reaped in my opinion are beyond rock bottom, like journey to the center of the earth. Ugh is right.

You are right, Dragonfly, you cannot have someone disrespect the sanctity of your home and destroy your peace of mind. We hid our stuff too, after things went missing. My young son said it perfectly. “Mom, why do we have people (his older sisters) living with us that we can’t trust?”

Realizing is the first step. Work to fix it. Yourself, I mean. How many years I wasted trying to fix my two. It was not my job and nothing I did worked. Guilt is something to work hard on, it keeps us entrenched in enabling. These are her choices, her consequences, not yours. There is an acronym for the feelings we have with our addicted adult children- Fear-Obligation-Guilt. This combination keeps us in the game. We all made mistakes as parents. My kids would tell me it’s my fault they are the way they are. I was afraid if I stopped “helping”-what would happen to my grands? I felt obliged to help them, guilt that I caused their issues, guilt that I had a roof over my head. The list goes on. FOG is an accurate description of what happens to us emotionally and mentally trying to control an outcome we have no control over. We desperately want our kids to make better choices, the FOG blinds us into thinking that we can do something to fix them. It’s not up to us, it is up to them.

Prayer has helped me tremendously. Giving our addicted children to God is not a cop out. I began to recognize that the problem was way over my head, way too much for me to handle and that I had tried about everything to my own demise and detriment. I would wake up early before work and go walking and pray daily not only for my two daughters, but for God to give me the strength to get through the day. I believe the movement of walking helped me too. Creating a routine of healthy habits helps to lift ourselves up out of the fog.

My dear Dragonfly, how I know how this feels. Worst case scenarios spinning in your head and heart does absolutely nothing for your daughter, and will drive you into an early grave. Circular thinking, ruminating over what ifs, are all part of our own illness in living with the reality of addicted loved ones. Stop. Breathe. Pray. Find ways to fix your mindset. It takes work to change life patterns. You have begun the journey by recognizing the truths of your relationship with your daughter. If, we can call it a relationship. We can love our wayward children without taking the consequences of their choices as our own. Our hearts can be treacherous in having us believe that we have to be entrenched and enmeshed, depressed and distraught in the madness of their lives. We begin to feel that there is no way to find joy unless our kids are doing well. There is no good to come of two people drowning in the quicksand. You have taken the first important step, seeing things for what they are. The next is to find ways to disentangle yourself from your daughters choices. She will do as she wishes. What do you want for yourself? I have come to realize that I wasted many years wishing for an outcome, more than my two. I still have hope for them, but they need to take responsibility for their future. It is as if my investing all my energy into their consequences, took away their capability to pull up. Now, I see that not only my surviving this, but striving and thriving is the best way to show them that they can too. You can. You are worth the effort. You have value. Your peace of mind and heart is important.

Twenty years is a long hard road. You are waking up and seeing the toll it has taken on you. You are the captain of your ship, your daughter of her own. She sails into the storm, you do not need to follow her. That is not love. Love says no, I will not go into deep despair over something I have no control over. No, I will not fund your bad habits, no, you cannot use me, disrespect me, or trample on me. I love you. But no. There are limits and boundaries for everyone. We must draw a line in the sand and not allow others to steal our peace. Even if it is our own beloveds.
This is hard, but self preservation is crucial to our own well being. Find ways to work on you. Find ways to build yourself up. It will not get easier as you make changes. It feels foreign. We have been trained by our adult kids to follow them into the rabbit hole. We are more easily manipulated when we are dazed and confused. Allowing our kids to manipulate us does nothing to help them see their reality. In order to stand strong, we must rebuild our foundation, see our weak points and fortify ourselves. I truly believe this is the best way to “help” our waywards. We are their first teachers, teach your daughter to love herself by setting boundaries and getting back your self worth. You have already proven your strength by surviving twenty years of insanity. You are the only one who can stop the crazy in your life. That doesn’t depend on whether your daughter wakes up or not, it depends on you opening your own eyes, seeing the road you have gone down, knowing that is hasn’t helped your daughter and it will be the death of you if you continue as is. She will not change unless she wants to. But, you can change your own emotional response and find your center.
You are so worth the effort.
(((Hugs)))
New Leaf

Hi New Leaf, thank you for taking the time to read and respond to my post and address it the way you did. It is very helpful and means so much and I take comfort in your words. Thank you for sharing your story as well and I am so sorry you have had to bear this pain x 2. It is because of people like you and others on this forum that it gives me the courage to open up and be vulnerable to share my pain and try to make sense of all this madness. And yes, living on the edge of a rabbit hole that I have fallen down into many times and barely climb out of. Your pointing out that I have hit my rock bottom is so profound! I never thought of it that way, and I definitely believe I have. You are so right. I have been so focused on trying to fix my daughter and realize I cannot fix her. I need to fix my broken self and hope and pray she does the same for herself. And maybe one day we will both be whole and can have a healthy mother/adult daughter relationship. Thank you. Peace to you and yours.

 

[dragonfly57]

Welcome and hugs. It was heart wrenching reading your story, Dragonfly. The addiction part...methodone...and the horrible toll it has taken is particular heartbreaking.
A lot of your words resonate with me and with other stories I have read here. Sadly. The lack of insight, the commitment to their own victimhood, the lack of responsibility, accountability and complete lack of self awareness. WOW. That sums up our daughter in sooo many ways.

And ironically, our daughter is also bright and resourceful. It's mindboggling to know this.

I recall going through that "scares me this will never end" "phase." I say "phase" because I don't know how to put it exactly and eventually I got some peace with this thought. It was a realization that there may not be much hope. BUT, of course, we hope for the best because we are their parent (s).

Detachment and setting boundaries are the only ways to save OUR sanity. For you, there is hope. For us, there is hope. And your daughter will have to honestly and sincerely chose to make a change for there to be real hope for her. Sadly, you can't do this for her.

Your use of the words "misery threshold" were powerful. What will it take? What is rock bottom? I don't know. Our daughter has lost sooo much. Each living arrangement she finds for herself is more and more limited and she has been extraordinarily near homeless a few times now. She seems to be kind of / sort of getting it...I kind of / sort of think a teeny bit is sinking in. But, she repeats bad decisions a LOT, so I can't count on it. Someone once said, everything she touches turns to "blank." I started to argue...and then thought about it and had to be quiet.

In our case, and each case is different... we have become comfortable with our daughter living in another state. We help her with medical type things and literally pay her to use birth control. I know that sounds weird, but she would not use bc otherwise and well....the consequences of not using it is obvious to most thinking people and in this case, the consequences are extra ...let's just say "problematic." We greatly , big time limit our willingness to help her financially...even if she begs and carries on. We will entertain medical needs. We have boundaries all over the place and it has helped.

Also, I suspect we demonstrate the skill of self control for them when we don't give in to their crazy demands.

I hope your daughter can get to drug treatment and most of all, finds something within herself that makes her truly want to get better.

And I hope you can find for yourself some peace. Please consider at least short term therapy if you haven't tried that yet. This stuff is seriously difficult. And I agree, prayer IS helpful. Also, there are "Anonymous" groups like Families Anonymous that can be of tremendous help. Sending good thoughts...

Hi Nomad, Thank you so much for taking the time to read my post and for your thoughtful and heartfelt reply. I take comfort in your words but I am so sorry you have had to bear this pain as well. I am so sorry for any parent that has to be here, but grateful at the same time for the support. I do not think it is weird that you pay her to use birth control. I know too well what the consequences and trauma caused to a baby born under these circumstances are. It is heartbreaking for the entire family. When I found out my daughter was pregnant with her second child I was gutted. The circumstances rob us of the normal joyous reaction we should be experiencing. She had lost custody of her son, my grandson, 3 years prior and then child protective services stepped in and she lost custody of a prematurely born baby girl, addicted to methadone and is a miracle she even survived. My daughter did not put one healthy thing in her body the entire time she was pregnant. I swore I would not get attached to this child. But I did. I held her and that was it for me. I was in love, then she was gone... so no, I do not think you are weird at all...just realistic.
Peace to you and yours.

 

[Worndown68]

My adult daughter is homeless and living in a car that is probably not registered. She has a mental illness and is an addict. Maybe people wonder why I don't just let her live with me. it is not that simple and has been an ongoing crisis since she hit puberty. She is 35 now.

I wake up every day with this, a heavy weight I carry around all day, I feel like I am walking through water in a fog. I try to suppress it but it is just below the surface. I have to pull it together to go to work and wait until the last possible minute to walk out the door. I try to allow myself to be distracted while intrusive thoughts are battling for attention. Random jolts of anxiety in my chest are a constant reminder. I bring it home with me, I go to bed with it. It wakes me up in the night in full panic. no escape. it is always there like a dark shadow following me, and never goes away. a nightmare you never wake up from. grieving a person who isn't dead, but isn't living either. It is eating me alive and I feel I am rotting away right along with her.

I read stories about people fearing they will never hear from their estranged adult child again.

My fear, my biggest fear is that I WILL hear from my daughter. It’s not what you think. It's not that I do not want to have a relationship with my daughter, it’s that I only hear from her when she is in crisis. I used to think if I did not hear from her then something terrible happened, and then I realized the only time I do hear from her is when she needs something, money. so, If I do not hear from her then she is “OK” or as OK as a drug addict with mental illness can be. It is like living under a swinging pendulum. Is today the day I will hear from her and she is in a crisis that I cannot and should not rescue her from but have to stay calm like a first responder and make everything all right for her? The urgent mentality of I have a problem so now you have a problem and you need to get on it right now!! And you get sucked in and react because you cannot think straight. Master manipulation that I give in to most of the time.

I started a new job just over 2 years ago and I have not told anyone I have 2 daughters. I only mentioned my youngest. I don’t want to lie but I don't want people asking questions. I cannot handle it so I eliminated my older daughter from the narrative. Not proud of it but it is easier than making things up or remembering the children she lost custody of and you never get to see and try and choke back the tears. So, no, not a great conversation starter when you are trying to get to know your coworkers. They won’t understand. While their children are graduating college, getting married, having children, mine is getting her first allowed take home dose of methadone. Yeah, that's a milestone every parent looks forward to celebrating

I have invested all that I am and everything that I have to try and help her or advocate help for her and all I have done is enable her. I see that now. Even when I thought I was not enabling and tried to do things differently, I still was enabling. she went from being 13 to 18 overnight and it is hard to just stop protecting. It is so hard to let go. I have repeatedly absorbed the consequences of her choices, as did her 2 children and her younger sister. all repeatedly traumatized. never ending grief. so incredibly painful. and she does not seem to care. She refuses to see that she needs professional help, even now.

Her calls asking for money are relentless. I have been ignoring them.. The desperation in her voice makes me so uncomfortable I could vomit.

What is this rock bottom I read about? Is it a real thing or something we cling to in hopes our loved one will hit it someday soon? A pit of some sort where they have the great epiphany and then emerge from the yuck like a phoenix and all ends well and there is a silver lining after all.

Does everyone have one? Does she even have one? I ask, what sort of misery threshold does someone who lives in a car, has no cell phone, no income, lost her children and her family, has no real friends, have? It scares me to think this will never end as she seems to have no insight into her being at the center of all this, and does not take any responsibility or is ever accountable for anything. She is too committed to her own victimhood and has no self awareness. none. I helped because she had kids. She does not have kids anymore. I helped because she has a mental illness, but she seems to be able to hold it together long enough to manipulate me to try and get what she wants, until I say no and she goes from ‘0 to 10’. I never hear from her unless she needs money. cannot hold a job down.cannot maintain relationships of any kind due to conflict. Sabotages any real opportunities to get on her feet and gets kicked out of any living situation.

The ironic part is that she is very resourceful and if she could only get out of her own way and put this skill to good use, she would be so successful and unstoppable at anything. sad. She started modeling when she was younger. She was beautiful. Now she is unrecognizable. All her teeth rotted and had to be pulled because of methadone..it’s horrible… got it together for a short period, got her GED, graduated from a medical assistant program, top of her class. has done nothing with it. She was pregnant at the time with her first.

diagnosed years ago with bipolar - adhd - odd - and could possibly be schizophrenic. She fights with people who are not even there. talks out loud to no one. Is heart wrenching to watch. I fear what will happen to her when I am gone.

self medicates. methadone. prescription drugs. smokes.drinks.

has been in program after program, rehab after rehab, hospital psychiatric ward, state hospital, private programs, group homes, social workers,psychologists, and psychiatrists. trouble with the law and has been arrested.

She actually escaped from a juvenile program by jumping out of a second stroy window. She was not wearing shoes. It was winter and there was snow on the ground. Walked to the nearest house where she convinced the residents, somehow, to give her a ride to a ‘friends’ (dealer) house.

Perhaps she gets her pain threshold from me as ahe has abused me on every level; verbally, physically, emotionally, mentally, financially, and yet I still worry about her and I am sick to my stomach writing this. She called again very early this morning, from a methadone clinic, I should not have answered, but I did, hoping maybe it was a call from a facility and she was getting help as the number displayed ended in 00. I told her she needs to get professional help and I was not going to give her any money. all she said was "huh?" like what am I talking about. I hung up. a nice way to start the day with an anxiety attack.

I have given her approximately $15,000 in the past three years alone to try and help her get on her feet and get started in an apartment and have a car to get to work. She was evicted from 2 apartments and that car got 'stolen'. I have paid for hotels, gas, food, rentals, or at least I thought, probably the money was spent on drugs and alcohol. wtf knows. I want to believe she is not actively using and really needs money for basic needs, but I am only kidding myself.

I told her if she does not get professional help and commit to being part of her own solution I can no longer have any contact with her, but she manages to wear me down. late night phone calls from a gas station, or borrows strangers phones, I ignore the calls and then she shows up at my home. I told her she cannot do that and I will call the police. I hate that I have to resort to calling the police on my own daughter but she will cause a big scene and trouble for me. I am trying to set and enforce boundaries. no more empty words.

I am 57, single, and not where I should be financially for retirement and it scares the out of me. I cannot keep doing this. It is helping no one. and yet she will say no one cares, no one helps her, no one understands, no one loves her. Is she selfish? immature? master manipulator? all of the above? Yes, she is.

Is this the little boy who cried wolf? Chicken little? That perhaps now she really needs money. I am hoping and praying this is her rock bottom and she will go and get help!! How long can you live begging and scraping and not know your situation is dire? And that you have a serious problem??!! UGH!!!

I try to point out there are consequences to her choices and she will say I am throwing her past in her face. I’m sorry, Is two weeks ago the past? Sometimes we need to be reminded that choices = consequences and SAME choices = SAME consequences.

Is it possible she has this impenetrable outer narcissistic shell that is protecting a soft bipolar underbelly? Thus, the misery threshold.

I get angry as she refuses to go to a shelter, as if she is in a position to be picky. She lives in the moment, and does not see how that could be a conduit to a better future. To complicate things, she got a dog, brilliant. Yes, that is exactly what needs to happen! She cannot take care of herself, but she gets a dog. a BIG one. I cannot have pets at my apartment because of a lease, nor do I want one that size in my apartment. And, I cannot have someone who I do not trust in my home. someone who is emotionally unstable and will erupt at any time and unleash her emotions on you like a fire hose, until she fizzles out. I walk on eggshells. someone who hoards, is not clean, and stashes food under the bed. someone who might start a fire because she was careless with a cigarette and does not smoke in designated areas outside, or has left the stove on. someone who steals and I have to hide my purse from. someone who does not respect personal boundaries, house rules or authority. someone who does not respect me.

I realize I am codependent. I have so much anxiety. hypervigilant. I am exhausted. I need to take care of myself. I know that. I feel so guilty when I do practice self care knowing she is going without and is suffering in some way. but I too am suffering, every day, and for years.

I have to remind myself this is the result of her choices. I did not choose this life for her and I will not support this lifestyle. And that is ok. enough is enough. It has overtaken my life and my peace.

I pray everyday, constantly. I need help getting and staying strong. I need help letting go and letting God.

There is a hurricane coming this weekend and I am terrified. Winter is just around the corner. I am at a loss, again, as I ponder should I make a call on her behalf or is that interfering and enabling? not sure what good it would do anyway as I do not know where she is.

if you made it this far, thanks for reading and sorry for the rant. It was not my intention. I have never actually posted anything like this before now. Twenty plus years built up... sigh

I am grateful for finding this online support forum and plan on attending a family support group.

Thank You,
Every word you wrote resonated with me, I am in awe of how well you describe your feelings and the responses from the others too. I used to write my feelings down, I thought it helped and I think it did then. But now I feel the same pain but too numb to express it. Keep writing because if you stop you might end up numb like me, not emotionally because the pain still haunts daily, but keep writing. My therapist suggested I write a book once, she didn’t understand the past was too painful to revisit and getting though today is my only wY now. One day at a time, I wish big hugs and love to all of you, I wish I could offer more.

 

[Fairy dust]

Hello Dragonfly,
I am so sorry for your need to be here but glad you found this place. You have been hurting for a very long time. Parts of your story could be mine, a combo of my two wayward daughters, actually.

This was me a few years ago. Deeply entrenched in my daughters choices, miserable and stuck. It’s an awful feeling. The good news is that you are recognizing the toll it is taking on your life. The hard news is that nothing changes, if nothing changes. As parents of addicted, using, possibly dual diagnosis adult children, it is imperative to realize that we cannot and must not base our lives and our physical, mental and spiritual health on their choices and consequences. We have absolutely no control over them. They will do what they will do. Recognizing this helps to be a catalyst for us to change. That is key, knowing we cannot change them, but with work, we can change our reactions, change our behaviors and perception.

Many of us have gone down this road and then some. It is agonizing. I liken it to double drowning, you see some one in trouble in the water and go to save them, they end up using you as a buoy and take you into the deep with them. There were many times when I just could not get a good breath in. Anxiety and stress.

The first step to creating change within yourself is to recognize the problem. Our addicted loved ones know exactly how to hit us at our center, pull at our heartstrings to keep us off balance. We are easily manipulated this way. What helps me find my balance and center is the realization that nothing I have said, done or given my two actually helped them to make better choices. They continued to use drugs and in turn, use me.

There are more folks out there affected by addiction in the family than we realize. In the midst of my anguish, I felt the same way as you do. I was glad that my workmates had happy stories with their adult children, but it just drove the sadness of my kids reality deeper. I was so stuck and attached to the misery of my twos choices and the never ending cycling of drama and chaos. It was eating me alive, too.

So, in other words YOU have hit your rock bottom in trying to cope with this. GOOD. There is no where to go but UP from this.

Addiction is an incredibly selfish beast. It will mow down anyone in its path. That is the insidiousness of it. Knowing this and living it as we have, seeing it for what it is can help us to begin to detach from our loved ones behaviors (and our own reaction and behaviors) and learn how to create healthier habits for ourselves.

It is not possible to help someone who does not want real help. I understand your path, it is similar to mine. Hubs and I “helped” for years because of our grands. Years. I am sure my two have issues with mental health, even moreso due to drug use. I started to wake up to the hard reality and the toll their choices were taking on the family when I found my then teenaged son sobbing uncontrollably on my bed. I couldn’t see my own decline and distress, but that image of him is permanently seared in my brain. No one has the right to take away your peace. No one. Toxic behavior is toxic, even if it comes from our adult children. It is unacceptable.

This is what I hang on to for my two. They have inner light and potential. They are resourceful. I have had to let go of what I call “catastrophic mindset.” It is hard not to imagine the absolute worst case scenario when our adult children are out there doing God only knows what. BUT. It does nothing for us to carry imagery of horrific end results. When my mind drifts there, to the edge of that rabbit hole, I have to pray. I give my two to God. There is no use killing myself with nightmarish thoughts of what could be.

Who knows why our wayward adult kids do what they do? It is absolute insanity the way my two live.
But, I have no control over their choices, worrying and fretting just wears me down. I know how it feels when “that phone call” appears. The sinking heart, churning stomach. The “what now” then the guilt over feeling that way. The guilt over forming the word “NO” hearing it from your mouth, (I actually said no?) then the subsequent reaction, from your kid and the lump in your throat. My Tornado used to ploy me with the “unconditional love” line. Well, love says no. It takes some time to get adjusted to it. We don’t help our adult kids by allowing them to use us. We certainly don’t help ourselves.

You are correct, you cannot keep doing this. Yes, she is all of the above. You need to see this. I am sorry, it hurts. I have to work hard not to fall back into old patterns. Our wayward adult children will continue to use the same tactics that work for them. Seeing the manipulation for what it is, helps us to stop the knee jerk reaction to cave. We need help to see the whole picture, our own involvement and responsibility to take care of ourselves. I found helpers, writing here and getting kind advice from folks who have “been there, done that”, helped, finding mentors in works from philosophers, psychologists, poets, inspirational quotes. One quote that works for me- “What you allow, will continue.”
It has not been a straight line to finding my sanity and grounding. I still have to work hard. What I do know is that I abandoned myself for many, many years in desperation, trying to fix the unfixable. My focus was on the drama and chaos unfolding with my two. I was deeply ingrained.
It feels weird when you first take steps to come out of it. We are so entrenched in the pattern, giving in to our waywards manipulation feels like love. It is not. Overthinking and ruminating on their consequences and what may be, feels like love, it is not. Spiraling downward in the despair feels like love, it is not. Understanding what love truly is, takes work. Love says no, not only to what our addicted adult children’s demands are, but saying no to our own emotional downfall. We have to learn all over again to love ourselves enough to stop spiraling down the rabbit hole with our kids. We cannot control their choices. We cannot stop the madness by allowing ourselves to hit emotional, mental, physical and financial rock bottom and stay there. It takes hard work to switch focus on what you can control, your reactions. It takes a whole lot of self love. Self love is not selfish, it is essential to our being. It is what we wish for our children, that they will take care of themselves and hold themselves in a higher regard, better their lives, make better choices. We can’t do that for them, they have to decide. We can do it for ourselves. We must. It is survival. It is the best way to begin to truly help our kids, by showing them with our own actions that we all must stand up for ourselves.

I hope and pray that my two see their light and potential. The consequences they have reaped in my opinion are beyond rock bottom, like journey to the center of the earth. Ugh is right.

You are right, Dragonfly, you cannot have someone disrespect the sanctity of your home and destroy your peace of mind. We hid our stuff too, after things went missing. My young son said it perfectly. “Mom, why do we have people (his older sisters) living with us that we can’t trust?”

Realizing is the first step. Work to fix it. Yourself, I mean. How many years I wasted trying to fix my two. It was not my job and nothing I did worked. Guilt is something to work hard on, it keeps us entrenched in enabling. These are her choices, her consequences, not yours. There is an acronym for the feelings we have with our addicted adult children- Fear-Obligation-Guilt. This combination keeps us in the game. We all made mistakes as parents. My kids would tell me it’s my fault they are the way they are. I was afraid if I stopped “helping”-what would happen to my grands? I felt obliged to help them, guilt that I caused their issues, guilt that I had a roof over my head. The list goes on. FOG is an accurate description of what happens to us emotionally and mentally trying to control an outcome we have no control over. We desperately want our kids to make better choices, the FOG blinds us into thinking that we can do something to fix them. It’s not up to us, it is up to them.

Prayer has helped me tremendously. Giving our addicted children to God is not a cop out. I began to recognize that the problem was way over my head, way too much for me to handle and that I had tried about everything to my own demise and detriment. I would wake up early before work and go walking and pray daily not only for my two daughters, but for God to give me the strength to get through the day. I believe the movement of walking helped me too. Creating a routine of healthy habits helps to lift ourselves up out of the fog.

My dear Dragonfly, how I know how this feels. Worst case scenarios spinning in your head and heart does absolutely nothing for your daughter, and will drive you into an early grave. Circular thinking, ruminating over what ifs, are all part of our own illness in living with the reality of addicted loved ones. Stop. Breathe. Pray. Find ways to fix your mindset. It takes work to change life patterns. You have begun the journey by recognizing the truths of your relationship with your daughter. If, we can call it a relationship. We can love our wayward children without taking the consequences of their choices as our own. Our hearts can be treacherous in having us believe that we have to be entrenched and enmeshed, depressed and distraught in the madness of their lives. We begin to feel that there is no way to find joy unless our kids are doing well. There is no good to come of two people drowning in the quicksand. You have taken the first important step, seeing things for what they are. The next is to find ways to disentangle yourself from your daughters choices. She will do as she wishes. What do you want for yourself? I have come to realize that I wasted many years wishing for an outcome, more than my two. I still have hope for them, but they need to take responsibility for their future. It is as if my investing all my energy into their consequences, took away their capability to pull up. Now, I see that not only my surviving this, but striving and thriving is the best way to show them that they can too. You can. You are worth the effort. You have value. Your peace of mind and heart is important.

Twenty years is a long hard road. You are waking up and seeing the toll it has taken on you. You are the captain of your ship, your daughter of her own. She sails into the storm, you do not need to follow her. That is not love. Love says no, I will not go into deep despair over something I have no control over. No, I will not fund your bad habits, no, you cannot use me, disrespect me, or trample on me. I love you. But no. There are limits and boundaries for everyone. We must draw a line in the sand and not allow others to steal our peace. Even if it is our own beloveds.
This is hard, but self preservation is crucial to our own well being. Find ways to work on you. Find ways to build yourself up. It will not get easier as you make changes. It feels foreign. We have been trained by our adult kids to follow them into the rabbit hole. We are more easily manipulated when we are dazed and confused. Allowing our kids to manipulate us does nothing to help them see their reality. In order to stand strong, we must rebuild our foundation, see our weak points and fortify ourselves. I truly believe this is the best way to “help” our waywards. We are their first teachers, teach your daughter to love herself by setting boundaries and getting back your self worth. You have already proven your strength by surviving twenty years of insanity. You are the only one who can stop the crazy in your life. That doesn’t depend on whether your daughter wakes up or not, it depends on you opening your own eyes, seeing the road you have gone down, knowing that is hasn’t helped your daughter and it will be the death of you if you continue as is. She will not change unless she wants to. But, you can change your own emotional response and find your center.
You are so worth the effort.
(((Hugs)))
New Leaf

 

[Fairy dust]

Wow! New Leaf. Your response to Dragonfly is so spot on and inspirational. Thank you. Your wisdom is more than you know!

 

[dragonfly57]

Thank You,
Every word you wrote resonated with me, I am in awe of how well you describe your feelings and the responses from the others too. I used to write my feelings down, I thought it helped and I think it did then. But now I feel the same pain but too numb to express it. Keep writing because if you stop you might end up numb like me, not emotionally because the pain still haunts daily, but keep writing. My therapist suggested I write a book once, she didn’t understand the past was too painful to revisit and getting though today is my only wY now. One day at a time, I wish big hugs and love to all of you, I wish I could offer more.

Hi Worndown68, Thank You for taking the time to read my post and reply. It really means a lot. I am sorry for your pain. I am new here too. I understand about the numbness. I think maybe it's our body's natural response to coping with so much grief. I often thought I should have kept a journal, but like takes over and I felt exhausted. I found it hard to keep reliving the moments as well, so I just tucked away another day. Then all the days, 20 plus years worth, have now taken over and that is who and what we become, a reflection of someone else's bad choices. It then manifests itself in anxiety, depression, illness and unhealthy coping choices. Like New Leaf pointed out, this is my rock bottom and there is no other way but up. So, I too have a choice, recognize I can only fix myself and that I have no control over anyone else, or choose to stay down in the muck pit. I choose to grab hold of the lifeline leading upward because I am worth it too. I will start by taking it one day at a time as suggested by others here. I do believe it will make it more manageable. Be kind to yourself. Do what you can. If and when you are ready to journal, that is for you and no one else.

Big hugs and love right back to you.

 

[Tiredof33]

Don't feel guilty for keeping your private life private. I do the same. I have found dealing with my out of control adult child is stressful enough without judgements and advice from others. Especially well meaning advice from family. My son has finally matured enough to not post dramatic suicide poems on FB so people can call me at 3am to inform me. I live in a different state thank goodness.

My child has just broken up with his girlfriend of 5 years. More drama, more money requests. She sent me a message at midnight last night. I've decided to ignore it.

I am not sure if the drugs caused the mental illnness, or if the mental illness came first. I do know the drugs make the mental problems much worse. Drugs magnify everything.

There are some books you can find in the library to help with detachment, guilt, letting go of your dreams for this loved one and accepting this life for them. None of it is easy.

Find hobbies, a way to relax. The stress is unbearable and I honestly don't think people understand unless they walk in our shoes.

(((hugs)))

 

[New Leaf]

Wow! New Leaf. Your response to Dragonfly is so spot on and inspirational. Thank you. Your wisdom is more than you know!

Thank you so much for your kindness Fairy dust. My time here on CD has taught me so much. As I respond to parents suffering while navigating loving their addicted adult children, I am reinforcing what I have learned along the path towards avoiding the rabbit hole. I’m talking to myself, too. I so need that reinforcement. This journey has never been a linear process, I am finding that somehow, when it seems the dust has settled a bit, my two will pop up out of nowhere, like some sort of bizarre test. Each encounter is a reset for me. Each disappearance is a reset for me. One of the admin here who I haven’t “seen” for quite sometime, aptly named herself “recoveringenabler”. I think, like our addicted loved ones who battle drug use and recovery, we will always have to work really, really hard at focusing on self love, dealing with the grief of loving someone who is still on this earth and resisting the urge to go deeply into an emotional abyss. I am not so wise my friend, just seasoned with the many years and challenges of living the predicament of children grown to adulthood making horrid choices. I give credit where it belongs, to the many strong souls here who have opened up honestly and vulnerably to share their stories, hardships and growth. I am eternally grateful to God for helping me and also to those angels on earth who have left us an abundance of knowledge and coping mechanisms to rise above the challenges. Wherever any of us are on this journey, may we all find our way towards peace. It is extremely difficult, but one day at a time, if we work hard at it, we can.
(((Hugs)))
New Leaf

 

[Fairy dust]

Thank you. My heart aches for us all and DragonFly my thoughts and positive wishes are with you. I too am in my 20th year of this very very hard journey. Oh there are times things go smoothly and I feel I can breathe but then another test happens and we go on reset. This is where I am now. But I know I can be a strong warrior, as can we all. One step at a time, one day at a time.New Leaf you summed up so many things so wonderfully. I have reread your post many times in recent days and it has helped to calm me and reinforce my determination to keep moving, walking, and above all else love myself enough to let this chaos go. I can choose whether to hold it or not. It’s not my chaos, but the drama created by my son and his actions and choices. And as you have said New Leaf nothing you have said or done has made any difference. So very true for me as well. It’s time to finally let it go. Let it go. Let it go. I will envision this like a balloon flying into the air. Hugs to all!

 

[dragonfly57]

Thank you. My heart aches for us all and DragonFly my thoughts and positive wishes are with you. I too am in my 20th year of this very very hard journey. Oh there are times things go smoothly and I feel I can breathe but then another test happens and we go on reset. This is where I am now. But I know I can be a strong warrior, as can we all. One step at a time, one day at a time.New Leaf you summed up so many things so wonderfully. I have reread your post many times in recent days and it has helped to calm me and reinforce my determination to keep moving, walking, and above all else love myself enough to let this chaos go. I can choose whether to hold it or not. It’s not my chaos, but the drama created by my son and his actions and choices. And as you have said New Leaf nothing you have said or done has made any difference. So very true for me as well. It’s time to finally let it go. Let it go. Let it go. I will envision this like a balloon flying into the air. Hugs to all!

Thank you Fairy dust, Peace and love to all

 

[New Leaf]

Hi Dragonfly,
I hope you are having a good day today.

Thank you for sharing your story as well and I am so sorry you have had to bear this pain x 2.

Thank you for your kindness. Having two wayward daughters has been a challenge, for sure. I’ve spent too many years hurting over their choices, too many years. I have three well children who give me great joy and that helps tremendously to ease the pain. Being siblings, they are not so easily manipulated and keep focus on their own lives and children. They are examples for me, moving forward towards living in healthier ways.

living on the edge of a rabbit hole that I have fallen down into many times and barely climb out of. Your pointing out that I have hit my rock bottom is so profound! I never thought of it that way, and I definitely believe I have.

I think we have a way of synchronizing our lives with our addicted loved ones, when we are enmeshed with their choices. We don’t even realize what is happening to us, as we slowly abandon ourselves in the drama and chaos. Figuring out how to love and let go is no easy task.

I have been so focused on trying to fix my daughter and realize I cannot fix her. I need to fix my broken self and hope and pray she does the same for herself.

I am glad that you are seeing this reality. It’s hard for parents, we have been programmed from the start to deny ourselves in order to care for our children. Our addicted adult children will use that against us, time and again. Realizing that is a big step. Developing coping skills and strategies to lift ourselves up is a learning process. You can do this! One day at a time. I truly believe that is the greatest gift we can give our children, modeling self love, rediscovering healthy habits and working at that daily.

And maybe one day we will both be whole and can have a healthy mother/adult daughter relationship. Thank you. Peace to you and yours.

That is my hope as well, maybe one day. Your name Dragonfly is so spot on. Many cultures see Dragonflys’ as spiritual symbols of renewal after difficulty, transformation, growth and hope. The journey into your own becoming will not be easy, but you are so worth it!
Hang in there mama
(((Hugs)))
New Leaf

 

[dragonfly57]

Hi Dragonfly,
I hope you are having a good day today.

Thank you for your kindness. Having two wayward daughters has been a challenge, for sure. I’ve spent too many years hurting over their choices, too many years. I have three well children who give me great joy and that helps tremendously to ease the pain. Being siblings, they are not so easily manipulated and keep focus on their own lives and children. They are examples for me, moving forward towards living in healthier ways.

I think we have a way of synchronizing our lives with our addicted loved ones, when we are enmeshed with their choices. We don’t even realize what is happening to us, as we slowly abandon ourselves in the drama and chaos. Figuring out how to love and let go is no easy task.

I am glad that you are seeing this reality. It’s hard for parents, we have been programmed from the start to deny ourselves in order to care for our children. Our addicted adult children will use that against us, time and again. Realizing that is a big step. Developing coping skills and strategies to lift ourselves up is a learning process. You can do this! One day at a time. I truly believe that is the greatest gift we can give our children, modeling self love, rediscovering healthy habits and working at that daily.

That is my hope as well, maybe one day. Your name Dragonfly is so spot on. Many cultures see Dragonflys’ as spiritual symbols of renewal after difficulty, transformation, growth and hope. The journey into your own becoming will not be easy, but you are so worth it!
Hang in there mama
(((Hugs)))
New Leaf

Hi New Leaf, I did have a good day today. Thank you so much for asking and for your kind and wise words. I went out to lunch with my coworkers today and then we went for a nature walk after. At one point a large dragonfly landed on my shoulder. I did not see it but my coworkers did. They said it was very large, and black and green in color. I looked up the meaning of that color dragonfly and it symbolizes transformation, renewal and growth just like you said. wow! I am so glad you have your other three children to bring joy to your life. And, thank you for reminding me that I am worth it. I just need to believe it and not let the guilty feelings take over. But not today. Today was a good day. Hugs right back to you.

 

[dragonfly57]

Don't feel guilty for keeping your private life private. I do the same. I have found dealing with my out of control adult child is stressful enough without judgements and advice from others. Especially well meaning advice from family. My son has finally matured enough to not post dramatic suicide poems on FB so people can call me at 3am to inform me. I live in a different state thank goodness.

My child has just broken up with his girlfriend of 5 years. More drama, more money requests. She sent me a message at midnight last night. I've decided to ignore it.

I am not sure if the drugs caused the mental illnness, or if the mental illness came first. I do know the drugs make the mental problems much worse. Drugs magnify everything.

There are some books you can find in the library to help with detachment, guilt, letting go of your dreams for this loved one and accepting this life for them. None of it is easy.

Find hobbies, a way to relax. The stress is unbearable and I honestly don't think people understand unless they walk in our shoes.

(((hugs)))

Hi Tiredof33, Absolutely...dealing with this IS stressful enough and people cannot understand the constant stress that is put on us because of it. I don't think we were made to endure this much stress. I am sorry you have had to deal with this as well. I spent too much time trying to figure out what was causing what, and trying to figure out what was wrong with my daughter so I could fix her. Ridiculous. I know that now in hindsight. But when you get sucked into the vortex of chaos you go into rescue mode and all rational is gone. You just want to get everyone out alive. And, we were never given a parent handbook for when things go beyond sideways. My daughter spiraled very quickly and I could not keep up. All I can do now is commit to fixing my broken self. I can control that. nothing else. Peace, Love and lots of (((hugs))

 

[SlimMunky]

Your situation sounds like mine & others that have commented. I'm 59 yrs old with- a 19 yr old & hope the rest of our lives sound similar. She's in jail as of 2 weeks ago & I didnt bail her out but hired a private atty instead. I've been having chest pains this week & not answering calls from county jail or putting $ on it again. I spent $150 on phone calls $50 on commissary in 2 wks. I'm not rich I work in restaurants & been a single parent with- no CP or alimony for 10 yrs. I struggle emotionally too. It's hard having to turn off love & make hard parenting choices. For my sanity. I'm guilty of self-medicating by drinking beer alone. The stress & lack of support is so hard!

 

[dragonfly57]

Hi SlimMunky, I am so sorry you are going through this. I recently landed here as well and I found it to be incredibly welcoming, supportive and comforting. So many brave and wise individuals, fellow warriors sharing their battle stories as they too have been in the trenches. I am so grateful for their insight and wisdom as I release my vulnerabilities to complete strangers without judgement. I am not qualified to give advice, but speaking from experience, if I could go back many years knowing what I know now, I would not throw money at the problem and do nothing to keep my daughter comfortable. Obviously we don't have a crystal ball, but maybe it would have saved many years of anguish and not prolong the inevitable, as it is enabling, and I did that. Yes, it is so hard, and seems impossible at times as it feels like the right thing to do because you love your child. But I now understand the power of the word NO. And I am saying NO because I love you. The amount of stress is indescribable and is too much for any person to endure. It breaks your spirit, weighs you down resulting in poor health and depression. We were not meant to carry this heavy burden alone. We keep it inside, hide it from the world, and resort to the quick feel good, just trying to cope in this storm that hits us hard, fast and furious. We just want to feel numb, and I think that is a normal reaction to an abnormal situation. We must find healthier ways to deal with the stress. Get and stay healthy for ourselves first. We can only hope and pray our loved ones will do the same for themselves, but it is up to them. Where there is a will, there is a way. If you believe in prayer, pray a lot. Prayer has been my solace. Big Hugs to you