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Angry.....difficult child and Fallout.....Venting
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<blockquote data-quote="BusynMember" data-source="post: 635185" data-attributes="member: 1550"><p>It's ok, Headlights Mom. This is the only place I do share this. As you can imagine, I didn't talk about that kid we adopted who did such horrible things to my younger children. I know...I know he was obviously abused in his long line of foster homes somewhere and that's why he did it. But I also know I could not risk the other kids for him. They were terrified of him. And so was I. Hubby just wanted to...well, you know about dads and daughters.</p><p></p><p>I love talking to adopted adults. It helps me understand my adopted children and the questions they may have, and how best to address them.</p><p></p><p>As for having a big heart, I have always cared about those in need and always wanted to help others. My first hub and I had a bio. son, but that was after we had talked about adoption. So we adopted two more children from other countries and then when I remarried my husband and I adopted two more children. It has been quite a trip! They have been the best experiences and the worst. Now I will explain why, although I adopted a lot (with two different husbands), it was not just because of my big heart!</p><p></p><p>Part of the reason we adopted after my first was born was because my family was so full of mental illness and personality disorders that I was afraid to have more children. I crossed my fingers and hoped our bio. son would be ok, but he has turned out to be the hardest one.I don't consider the two who are not with us now to be part of our family. You have to participate in the family unit to be part of a family. So of the children who still participate in the family, bio. son is by far the most puzzling and the most difficult.</p><p></p><p>I am close to that son...he is maybe TOO close to me, in his head...but he has been very difficult, a con artist, at times dangerous and self-destructive, and his troubles started early on. He is the reason I still stay here. I believe he has antisocial traits, yet he was a wanted child brought up with lots and lots of love and caring and we got him the best help. I see so many of my relatives in him that it's scary. That is not a good thing. My family is extremely dysfunctional in a very mean sort of way.</p><p></p><p>You probably didn't mean to make me smile when you talked about your son's birthfamily and please forgive me for doing so. It's just that I have heard, over and over again among my adoptive parent group friends, how much their children are like their children's biological families. There is no criminal gene. I so agree. But, yes, you are right on target...there are behaviors and personality traits that combine to make one a criminal. And they can be inherited.</p><p></p><p>HM, you are so right that mental illness does not equal criminal behavior. They are two separate animals. You can have both, but one doesn't cause the other. I have mental health issues and share them here to try to help others who may not understand first-hand, and I really never broke the law or substance abused. It is a choice. In my mind, I knew I would struggle my entire life. I knew it early in life, before I ever saw a therapist. And I didn't want to make it worse by screwing up my mind with drugs. Breaking the law never entered my mind. It just wasn't something it occurred to me to do. Criminality and mental illness are far more common in people who have personality disorders, such as antisocial or narcissistic. But you seem so bright. I'm sure you know that. </p><p></p><p>I hope your son gets his act together. He has a wonderful, intelligent mother. I will totally enjoy reading more of your posts and cross my fingers for good news!!</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="BusynMember, post: 635185, member: 1550"] It's ok, Headlights Mom. This is the only place I do share this. As you can imagine, I didn't talk about that kid we adopted who did such horrible things to my younger children. I know...I know he was obviously abused in his long line of foster homes somewhere and that's why he did it. But I also know I could not risk the other kids for him. They were terrified of him. And so was I. Hubby just wanted to...well, you know about dads and daughters. I love talking to adopted adults. It helps me understand my adopted children and the questions they may have, and how best to address them. As for having a big heart, I have always cared about those in need and always wanted to help others. My first hub and I had a bio. son, but that was after we had talked about adoption. So we adopted two more children from other countries and then when I remarried my husband and I adopted two more children. It has been quite a trip! They have been the best experiences and the worst. Now I will explain why, although I adopted a lot (with two different husbands), it was not just because of my big heart! Part of the reason we adopted after my first was born was because my family was so full of mental illness and personality disorders that I was afraid to have more children. I crossed my fingers and hoped our bio. son would be ok, but he has turned out to be the hardest one.I don't consider the two who are not with us now to be part of our family. You have to participate in the family unit to be part of a family. So of the children who still participate in the family, bio. son is by far the most puzzling and the most difficult. I am close to that son...he is maybe TOO close to me, in his head...but he has been very difficult, a con artist, at times dangerous and self-destructive, and his troubles started early on. He is the reason I still stay here. I believe he has antisocial traits, yet he was a wanted child brought up with lots and lots of love and caring and we got him the best help. I see so many of my relatives in him that it's scary. That is not a good thing. My family is extremely dysfunctional in a very mean sort of way. You probably didn't mean to make me smile when you talked about your son's birthfamily and please forgive me for doing so. It's just that I have heard, over and over again among my adoptive parent group friends, how much their children are like their children's biological families. There is no criminal gene. I so agree. But, yes, you are right on target...there are behaviors and personality traits that combine to make one a criminal. And they can be inherited. HM, you are so right that mental illness does not equal criminal behavior. They are two separate animals. You can have both, but one doesn't cause the other. I have mental health issues and share them here to try to help others who may not understand first-hand, and I really never broke the law or substance abused. It is a choice. In my mind, I knew I would struggle my entire life. I knew it early in life, before I ever saw a therapist. And I didn't want to make it worse by screwing up my mind with drugs. Breaking the law never entered my mind. It just wasn't something it occurred to me to do. Criminality and mental illness are far more common in people who have personality disorders, such as antisocial or narcissistic. But you seem so bright. I'm sure you know that. I hope your son gets his act together. He has a wonderful, intelligent mother. I will totally enjoy reading more of your posts and cross my fingers for good news!! [/QUOTE]
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