Forums
New posts
Search forums
What's new
New posts
New profile posts
Latest activity
Internet Search
Members
Current visitors
New profile posts
Search profile posts
Log in
Register
What's new
Search
Search
Search titles only
By:
New posts
Search forums
Menu
Log in
Register
Install the app
Install
Forums
Parent Support Forums
General Parenting
Another Newbie Here and question at the bottom of the LONG post
JavaScript is disabled. For a better experience, please enable JavaScript in your browser before proceeding.
You are using an out of date browser. It may not display this or other websites correctly.
You should upgrade or use an
alternative browser
.
Reply to thread
Message
<blockquote data-quote="Malika" data-source="post: 427904" data-attributes="member: 11227"><p>Hi wintak. It is a puzzle to me, personally, that you have been told attachment is not an issue. I suspect that you are being told this by people who have no special understanding of adoption or abandonment/attachment crises in adopted children. Do please read "The Primal Wound" by Nancy Newton Verrier, if you have not already done so. I think it should be required reading for all adopting parents - I was originally put onto it by a friend who had been adopted and who had found it deeply truthful about her experience. </p><p>It is not to say that everything spoken about in the book is going to be obviously true in every case. But I think it gives some useful pointers. Here's just a few things she says about the TERROR that adopted children can have of being abandoned again and how this translates into difficult behaviour with their adoptive parents:</p><p>"...Like other victims of trauma, adoptees often turn their rage at the unspeakable thing that happened to them [ie being abandoned by the birth mother] on their caretakers. Although some reunited adoptees speak of feeling rage for their birthmothers or for the society which caused their separation from her, many will say that they feel no ill-will toward her but have all their lives exhibited oppositional behavior and intense rage toward their adoptive parents. Paradoxically they feel a tremendous dependency upon and need to connect to those same adoptive parents. This ambivalence is the source of great confusion and enigmatic behavior. Not understanding the unconscious source of this behavior, parents think that their children should be able to change it at will [...] One reason that the difficult child is sent into treatmet is that the parents can no longer cope with his behavior. And with good reason: the provocation and aggression caused by the anxiety about a further rejection become more and more destructive and unbearable to the parents as the child tests their commitment to him. The provocative behavior often plays into the parents' insecurities about being good enough parents and into their own rejection issues. They then become defensive and retaliatory, instead of understanding and steadfast. Sadly their defensive reactions often produce the very outcome which the adoptee feared in the first place: abandonment - being sent out of the home to residential treatment centers, boarding schools or simply out on the street. If the adoptees' behaviors were seen as attempts to avoid pain rather than deliberate provocation of the parents, the parents might be able to identify the signs of manifestations of that trauma and help their child integrate it."</p><p>It is very difficut but it is your responsibility as the adoptive parent to find out and understand what is happening with your adopted child. I really would urge you to find a therapist who SPECIALISES in adoption and attachment issues. As for sending him away - you and your family need a respite, that is clear and totally understandable. But my own fear is that sending your son away would tap precisely into the abandonment terror that Nancy Verrier describes, would be seen and lived as a rejection on your part, and would not be a productive move. It would also be my intuition that your biological children are a source of fear and stress for your adopted son - unconsciously, probably, he sees them as threatening his place in your hearts and your home. Their place is assured, natural... but his?</p><p>I don't think the adoption can be an irrelevant issue for you all.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Malika, post: 427904, member: 11227"] Hi wintak. It is a puzzle to me, personally, that you have been told attachment is not an issue. I suspect that you are being told this by people who have no special understanding of adoption or abandonment/attachment crises in adopted children. Do please read "The Primal Wound" by Nancy Newton Verrier, if you have not already done so. I think it should be required reading for all adopting parents - I was originally put onto it by a friend who had been adopted and who had found it deeply truthful about her experience. It is not to say that everything spoken about in the book is going to be obviously true in every case. But I think it gives some useful pointers. Here's just a few things she says about the TERROR that adopted children can have of being abandoned again and how this translates into difficult behaviour with their adoptive parents: "...Like other victims of trauma, adoptees often turn their rage at the unspeakable thing that happened to them [ie being abandoned by the birth mother] on their caretakers. Although some reunited adoptees speak of feeling rage for their birthmothers or for the society which caused their separation from her, many will say that they feel no ill-will toward her but have all their lives exhibited oppositional behavior and intense rage toward their adoptive parents. Paradoxically they feel a tremendous dependency upon and need to connect to those same adoptive parents. This ambivalence is the source of great confusion and enigmatic behavior. Not understanding the unconscious source of this behavior, parents think that their children should be able to change it at will [...] One reason that the difficult child is sent into treatmet is that the parents can no longer cope with his behavior. And with good reason: the provocation and aggression caused by the anxiety about a further rejection become more and more destructive and unbearable to the parents as the child tests their commitment to him. The provocative behavior often plays into the parents' insecurities about being good enough parents and into their own rejection issues. They then become defensive and retaliatory, instead of understanding and steadfast. Sadly their defensive reactions often produce the very outcome which the adoptee feared in the first place: abandonment - being sent out of the home to residential treatment centers, boarding schools or simply out on the street. If the adoptees' behaviors were seen as attempts to avoid pain rather than deliberate provocation of the parents, the parents might be able to identify the signs of manifestations of that trauma and help their child integrate it." It is very difficut but it is your responsibility as the adoptive parent to find out and understand what is happening with your adopted child. I really would urge you to find a therapist who SPECIALISES in adoption and attachment issues. As for sending him away - you and your family need a respite, that is clear and totally understandable. But my own fear is that sending your son away would tap precisely into the abandonment terror that Nancy Verrier describes, would be seen and lived as a rejection on your part, and would not be a productive move. It would also be my intuition that your biological children are a source of fear and stress for your adopted son - unconsciously, probably, he sees them as threatening his place in your hearts and your home. Their place is assured, natural... but his? I don't think the adoption can be an irrelevant issue for you all. [/QUOTE]
Insert quotes…
Verification
Post reply
Forums
Parent Support Forums
General Parenting
Another Newbie Here and question at the bottom of the LONG post
Top