ant and his complex life

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by antsmom, Apr 26, 2007.

  1. Sunlight

    Sunlight Active Member

    on saturday ant got Kaleb against my wishes. he had moved into a bad area, was living with a girl he met on the internet. she was a 20 yr old difficult child. by sunday I invited them to dinner so I could see Kaleb.

    monday and tuesday ant went to work and Kaleb was left with this girl. sigh. against my advice and wishes. Tuesday night I was in bed, and ant called and said I had to go get them. I could hear the girl screaming and sounded like throwing stuff.

    I was an hour away from them. It was going on midnight. no way was I driving to that place. then again, my 3 yr old grandson was there. Under extreme duress, I called my ex and told him the situation. amazingly he chose to go get them and deliver them to my house.

    they arrived after 1AM. Kaleb in pjs, no coat and clinging to me. ant and his dad left to go back to the apartment and get their clothes, diapers etc. I tucked Kaleb in my bed and he was telling me people were "really mad". when ant returned and my ex left...I had Kaleb to sleep. ant told me a tale of the girl having parties, smoking weed, and general mayhem. he said he had to get Kaleb out. ant said he had done no drugs and I believe him, but he was drinking. how can he protect his own son when drinking???? how could he leave his son with a girl he only met weeks ago??

    I never slept all night. I let ant stay til the morning (by now 5 hrs later). when his older brother got off work and came home after 3AM...he wanted to go in ant's room and throw him outside but I would not let him. when ant went to work, I called Danielle and told her she had to take Kaleb back today. she said no that it was ant's two weeks and he had only had him a few days. I told her if she does not take Kaleb back, I would try to get custody. ant was once more homeless and was exposing Kaleb to a bad lifestyle and dangerous unstable situations. she hung up on me and said she was not dealing with this right now.

    I called a lawyer and once more talked to him about trying to get custody of Kaleb. he said it is rare to be able to remove a child from the parents even when the parents are unfit. he said unless the child has a broken leg or is abandoned with no one at all..CYS would not get involved either. he said if ant showed up even in the middle of the night or if his mom chose to leave him two weeks and then come get him, I would have to relinquish him. I also talked to the police. they said they really could do nothing either. even with a probation violation, (both parents are on probation) it would be a revolving door and the parents would be simply back out in a short time and back with Kaleb. I was not keeping Kaleb and then having to give him up to ant possibly one late night as he left with some other stranger.

    I called danielle a couple hrs later and told her she has to get her life together and be a good mom. Kaleb is getting older. I had told her not to send him to ant til ant is sober a long time and has a stable home. she needs to file for support and have ant pay if needed, but not let him alone with Kaleb. ant loves kaleb and would not be mean to him but he gets in bad situations and this child cannot be a part of that. while ant was working I returned Kaleb to his mother and talked again to her.

    when ant called I told him Kaleb went home and that is where he must stay til things get better. I told him he cannot come here again. I am done with the late night chaos and would not have been a part of any of it except for Kaleb. ant apologized and cried, he said he is worn out too and doesnt know what he will do or where he will go. I told him to go to his dad's for a few dys. surprizingly his dad took him. Ant is still working daily. He is to move on Sunday to a place near boyfriend's house so he can ride him for work better. (boyfriend's idea).

    I am not ever letting ant live here again. I just wish he had never brought a child into his world.

  2. bonkers

    bonkers New Member

    I am sorry to hear of your woes, but it sounds like you handled it well and even managed within your ability to protect and do well by Kaleb. My toughts go out to you...
  3. Alisonlg

    Alisonlg New Member

    Oh hun! I'm so sorry. What a mess, but you handled it so well and stayed so strong. :::Hugs:::
  4. DDD

    DDD Well-Known Member

    I, too, am sorry. Sadly, I am not at all surprised by the latest
    turn of events.

    I'm going to give you a suggestion. It worked for me. I believe
    it could work for you. First you have to completely think about
    what having Kaleb will mean to you and your will not
    have a chance for a peaceful old age. Period. If after a full
    analysis you decide to save Kaleb, then stop and realize that
    Ant WILL reproduce again. What will you do then? Would you
    decide to keep your life with Kaleb simple and not include the
    new sibling?? Do you acknowledge that Ant and the Mother will
    force the issue of Kaleb deserving to know is little brother or
    sister? It is ugly.

    After thinking that thru, the next step is to recognize that
    neither Ant or Kalebs Mom want Kaleb and the responsibility he
    brings. BUT they don't want to give up their parental rights or
    any money he can bring. have to "buy" Kaleb in a quiet
    nice polite legal way.

    You figure out what each of the parents want. Free babysitter.
    Free time. Lack of responsibility. Occasional fun showing him
    off?? You get a Durable Power of Attorney written up by a lawyer
    that says that you have the right to make decisions about his health, education etc. (it's standard, I think). Then you meet
    with them individually and tell them. "I know how much you love
    Kaleb. You know how much I love him too. It is hard for you to
    have to provide for him on a daily basis blah blah blah. I would
    like to keep Kaleb at my house. He will always have family to
    babysit, the daycare or school will be good blah blah BUT I don't
    want custody of "your" child. (That is called bait!) on the other hand I
    have to be able to make sure he is cared for properly. IF you
    would like me to, I will have a paper written up for you to sign
    that allows me to take him to the Doctors, sign him up in school,
    etc. etc. Then you will be able to work and ?? (fill in the blank). Of course, you will be able to see him blah blah blah.

    I have two boys with that piece of paper I have not had one single problem being their Mom. It could work for you too.

    It is NOT an easy road but for us it was the only way we could
    alleviate our fears for the boys safety. DDD
  5. Lothlorien

    Lothlorien Active Member Staff Member

    You did the right thing. I hope Danielle gets her act together. Amazing how the system allows that and turns a blind eye, but can be so extreme on the other side, when there's no abuse at all and the child ends up in foster care. Something is so wrong with this.
  6. Allan-Matlem

    Allan-Matlem Active Member

    A friend's mother used to say - children are trouble and pleasure , granchildren are only pleasure. May Kaleb only bring you pleasure. in my humble opinion I think Ant needs to find a mentor , or a confidant who can guide him especially thriugh the difficult moments. Keeping his job has been a big plus for him. I hope he can bounce back and sustain stability for a long period of time

  7. Allan-Matlem

    Allan-Matlem Active Member

    A friend's mother used to say - children are trouble and pleasure , granchildren are only pleasure. May Kaleb only bring you pleasure. in my humble opinion I think Ant needs to find a mentor , or a confidant who can guide him especially thriugh the difficult moments. Keeping his job has been a big plus for him. I hope he can bounce back and sustain stability for a long period of time

  8. Fran

    Fran Former Site Owner

    <span style='font-size: 11pt'>I think you handled it well. Kaleb is the primary concern. </span>
  9. KFld

    KFld New Member

    How sad for Kaleb. Here you are willing to raise him and give him a healthy stable home when his parents are not able, and they make it almost impossible for you. Maybe you should follow DDD's suggestion and see if they would agree to that. It doesn't sound like either one of them really want the responsibility and maybe someday they will, or not.

    I don't blame you for never allowing Ant to live in your home again. I'm so sorry it has come to this.
  10. oceans

    oceans New Member

    What an ordeal! Glad to hear that Kaleb is safe. I can't imagine what he must be thinking with all he has gone through.
  11. Sunlight

    Sunlight Active Member

    DDD I do not want Kaleb unless I have full custody. otherwise they can come and take him when they please even in the middle of the night. they did that to me several times since he was born. even when he was an infant and ant was totally smashed...the cops came and made me give kaleb back.

    so frustrating. his mother said to me "what makes you think I would ever give up my son?" and ant has said "you are not taknig my son".

    ant was trying to make me not see Kaleb at all.

    ant also called me three times at work today and when I told him we could talk when i am not working he said "FINE I will never call you again." and hung up on me.

    he called again!!!!! ugh! we do not have caller ID at work. he was trying to get me to give him a bed I have in a spare room. I will not do that as he took his perfectly fine double bed to this girl's place and does not want to bother retrieivng it. he can do without one or buy another to teach him responsibility for his possessions!
  12. Sunlight

    Sunlight Active Member

    Ant has boyfriend and one guy boyfriend introduced him to. the other guy is going to co-employ ant. Ant never missed a day of work for boyfriend. even the other day when he only slept a bit. it is amazing as he behaves for boyfriend. the other guy owns an apartment bldg in a run down area of a mill town. but it is clean. he is going to rent a place to ant and between boyfriend and the other guy they will transport ant to and from work.

    both men say ant is a very hard worker. each day they discuss who gets ant to work for them for the day. they pay him well. very well. he has learned so much from boyfriend about home construction and remodeling. I am grateful for all that.

    thing is ant blows every cent other than paying his fines. boyfriend and the other guy are going to set up some kind of acct to help ant manage his money.

    ant is a functional alcoholic at this point. he is disrespectful to women like his father, and like his father is prone to anxiety, depression and passive aggression. Ant's father is also szchiphrenic and on medications, and a psychiatric disability. Ant needs a medication to keep him from being so anxious and depressed. he also lies so much and when you compare the stories it is ridiculous! he cannot be believed.
  13. Wiped Out

    Wiped Out Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I'm sorry for this most recent ordeal. Poor Kaleb. You handled things well. Many hugs.
  14. transformtriumph

    transformtriumph New Member

    If you feel that it is in the best interest of Kaleb for you to have custody, then you need to change your way of handling your son. It's too bad he doesn't have the sense to support shared custody with you.
    When he called, you could have called the police and explained that Kaleb was in danger and you felt unsafe in going to the home to pick him up. You could have told them that you were more than willing to take care of Kaleb. This would have documented some of the problems with your son's parenting.
  15. judi

    judi Active Member

    Janet - I'm so very sorry for this nonsense, especially for little Kaleb.
  16. saving grace

    saving grace New Member

    Speak with Tylerfan about the custody issue, if I recall I know she has been dealing with the same issue with baby J, she may have some good advice on dealing with the system, granted she only has one parent involved.

    Oh Ant, stop going backwards start moving forward.

    Thank God he has boyfriend in his life, can you imagine where he would be without him

  17. hearthope

    hearthope New Member

    Janet sorry Ant is acting this way

    DDD's suggestion seemed great. If you could only get them to comply.

    I'm sure Danielle is just pushing Kaleb on Ant so she can have free time for herself. It is sad that Kaleb's welfare is not at the top of her list.

    I agree with everything you did! I also wouldn't help Ant out with the other bed. He has to see how his bad decisions are making his life harder.

    Gees! moving in with someone he knows nothing about and exposing his three yr old to her.

    Keeping you and Ant in my prayers, maybe if it is hard enough to work around the problems he is creating he will stop creating so many problems ~~ least that is what I keep telling myself about my difficult child
  18. Sunlight

    Sunlight Active Member

    typical teen I thought about calling the cops that night. then again, my exp has been it only made things worse over all. I did talk to the cops the next morning. I am sick of dealing with "the system".

    ant went to a bar last night and met a new woman there. he had met her on the internet. she is in the new town where he is moving. ant has a new woman all the time. no good for Kaleb. no good for anyone. he will continue his life the way he is...without me as much as possible.

    Kaleb is always welcome here but for now I am keeping out of it all.
  19. On_Call

    On_Call New Member


    I'm sorry things are going this route again, but I agree that you handled the immediate situation extremely well.

    {{{hugs}}} to you.
  20. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful


    I'm so sorry. I know how hard it is when there are innocent babies to worry over.