any info. on 30 day notice for 17 1/2 yr. olds in NJ?

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by peg2, Mar 28, 2008.

  1. peg2

    peg2 Member

    Hi,
    Briefly, as the authorities I have spoken to can't give me a definite answer,someone here must be able to help!! My son will be 18 on May 15, must go due to his out of control behavior and lack of interest in helping himself in the least. Disrespect to all of us and wanting what he wants,when he wants it------------immediately; is too much for any of us to handle anymore. Can I give him a 30 day notice before he turns 18 so he knows he must leave when he is 18, or do I have to wait to give it to him when he is 18? I will use some of his money to rent a room for severla months so he isn't out on the street,but we have had more than enough. Anyone know the laws in New Jersey?
    Thanks, hope everyone is enjoying the spring like weather, here, anyway!!!!
     
  2. trinityroyal

    trinityroyal Well-Known Member

    Peg,

    I don't know the law in NJ, but I have a few questions.

    Is a notice period definitely required? Must you let your child know 30 days in advance that he has to leave?

    If you just up and asked him to leave on his 18th birthday, would you face legal ramifications for that? If the answer to that question is no, then I think you could safely provide 30 days' notice before his 18th birthday.

    I also think that if you're arranging for alternative housing for him, then you're protected from anything relating to abandonment.

    Again, I know nothing about law in NJ, just thinking out loud.

    I hope you find concrete answers that help you.
    I can only offer {{{{{hugs}}}}

    Trinity
     
  3. Big Bad Kitty

    Big Bad Kitty lolcat

    Once he is 18, I don't think that he is considered "abandoned" if he is asked to leave the home...

    I think you have covered yourself well by getting him a place in advance. I don't think that legally you have to give notice. He is not currently a leasee. I would be afraid of the backlash if he had 30 days in your home, knowing that he was going to leave soon, and he felt the need to get revenge, Know what I mean??
     
  4. peg2

    peg2 Member

    Thank you, and yes....................................I have definitely thought of the revenge factor, I think of that anyway because I will probably get him a room somewhere in my general area as he has friends close by, so I can't take his complete support system away. But, I will deal with that then. No, it is definitely not abandonment because he will be 18, you can't abandon an adult child,even if I didn't find him a place to live. I will continue to research, but the even the police don't give me the same answer!!!
    I also thought of something else, does anyone know the answer to this! If a 17 yr.old is involved in the juvenile court system and he turns 18 before he completes the consequences given and he has to go back to court, is the parent still respnsbile for going to court with him because the charges were prior to him being an adult? Would I get in trouble if I didn't appear with him?
    Thanks
     
  5. trinityroyal

    trinityroyal Well-Known Member

    Again, I don't know the details of the NJ court system, but...

    My difficult child is involved in juvenile court. His alleged crime was committed when he was 17, so although he's technically an adult now, he is still considered a youth for the purposes of his court dealings. husband or I must be with him for his court dealings, but that's because of the terms of his bail, not because of the court requirements. If that bail condition did not exist, he could just show up at the court completely unattended.

    Now, given his functioning delays, husband or I and difficult child's lawyer are always there with him, but there's no requirement forcing us to be.

    With regard to giving your son notice, I think BBK makes a good point. 30 days notice is an awfully long time to have an enraged almost-18 year old in your home. (When we were in that situation with my difficult child, he ended up threatening his older sister with a butcher knife)

    Hope this helps. Again, my experience is with Ontario law, not NJ law.

    Trinity
     
  6. Mikey

    Mikey Psycho Gorilla Dad

    Peg, not sure about the 30 day notice either. You're asking him to leave for a reason, would you be inviting a month of problems by giving him advanced notice?

    My bro used to be a landlord, and "per the law" had to give notice several times over before finally evicting someone. Needless to say, he usually had to spend a lot of time repairing holes in the walls, cleaning carpets that had been used as urinals, replacing plumbing that had been damaged, etc....

    Not to say that your child would do that, but why take a chance? In my very humble opinion, I think it's admirable that you're getting him set up with his own place prior to asking him to leave. One alternative would be to get the new space set up, and when he's not around move his essentials into the new space and then change your locks.

    When he arrives home, you can inform him of the new living arrangements, give him directions to his new space, and make arrangements for him to come back and retrieve whatever's left. My bro often had to do that on evictions - wait until he knew they were out of the apartment, then go in with the movers and a deputy while they were gone.

    For that matter, local sherriff's are usually available to assist with "real" evictions. If you fear any kind of issues with actually telling him, you could always retain a deputy to assist with the informal eviction. The deputy wouldn't even have to be present, or even be visible - they could simply be there for an hour or two, just around the corner, to assist if needed. Hopefully it won't come to that, but again it's just another option.

    I hope this works out well for the both of you.

    Mikey
     
  7. dirobb

    dirobb I am a CD addict

    Peg,
    WOW, tough. My other concern for you is if you are setting up housing for him is to make sure you are not liable by signing up for anything related to the living arrangements. That sounds like it could be its own can of worms. Real tough spot to be in.
     
  8. peg2

    peg2 Member

    Thanks to all, no, I am not getting him a room now, not until he is actually 18 because I am not having my...........name on anything at all. I will look and see what is out there now,but I won't get it just yet because I will certainly not be responsible. What a sad state this has to come to, but I am not the ony one, judging from what I am reading.
     
  9. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I think this is an iffy area in the law. I have attempted to have my son removed...or to be told by the cops that we didnt want him there and to go away...but I was told we would have to go through the eviction process. Now this all happened after he was 18 and had been living here. Seems that if they are living in the home then they are considered to be tenants and those laws must be followed. Of course, if there was imminent danger to persons or property I think you could evict him immediately by constructive eviction. A person or landlord doesnt have to put up with a deranged person in their home for 30 days or so...they can just put them out. Then the tenant could try to sue the landlord for not giving the notice but I doubt it would work if someone was out of control.

    This is such a difficult part of parenting these kids.
     
  10. peg2

    peg2 Member

    Janet,
    Where exactly could I find out what the procedure is in NJ, different police officers in my town give me different answers????
    thanks
     
  11. meowbunny

    meowbunny New Member

    Is he out of school? Those would be two major factors. If he's in school, 18 or no, it would be hard to evict him no matter what state you are in and no matter what his conduct.

    Does he know tenant/eviction laws? If he doesn't just tell him he's moving out when he's 18 and the make it happen. I know of more than one parent who told their 18 was the end of the free ride. One family waited til their son went out with friends, changed the lock on the door and put all of his belongings at the side of the house with a note on the front door telling him he was on his own until he decided to change (they did leave him enough money to get by for a month).

    Good luck. No matter how you do it, it hurts. We always remember the little one inside the monster. If we're lucky, an adult ultimately emerges who is a good person that we're proud to know. That is my wish for you (and all of us).
     
  12. FlowerGarden

    FlowerGarden Active Member

    I sent you a private message with a link. Hope it helps. Also, just thought of this, what about contacting your local Family Support Organization? Maybe someone there would know where to find out the info.
     
  13. peg2

    peg2 Member

    Thanks Flower Garden, I read your PM,thanks for the link. No, he's not in school because I know that would be a deciding factor if I could make him leave. If he was in school, I suppose we wouldn't be having this discussion!!!!!!!!!! He doesn't really know the laws and even if he did, his behavior would allow us to make him leave. FlowerGarden, our FSO's in NJ aren't so good, at least the one in my county. I called them once, they are just a shoulder to cry on,couldn't give me any useful info. I will find out from someone, I supposes.
    Thanks to all. Good luck to everyone on all problems!!! This is the hardest thing I have ever done, parent a child like this......
     
  14. Irene_J

    Irene_J New Member

    You'll need to contact your local police in your township. Tell them you plan to ask your difficult child to leave when he's 18 and ask if there is any specific procedure. This is what I did. Since he's currently a minor and you plan to have him leave as soon as he is an adult, the tenant situation doesn't exist. It would exist if as an adult he had lived in your home for awhile.

    I thought I was going to have to do this when my difficult child turned 18. I was told that I did not have to have an adult in my home if I did not want to. I was told to lock my difficult child out and if she became violent or threatening to call the police.

    I called the police several times before my difficult child was 18. They took her away a few times; talked to her a few times; tried to talk me out of any police action every time I called.

    You do have options if you haven't allowed him to live in your home for a period of time as an adult. I also agree with previous posters not to provide a 30 day warning. I'm sure you've told him plenty of times that he needed to change or he would be out of your home. He just doesn't believe it yet.
     
  15. CrazyinVA

    CrazyinVA Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I've also been told by Sheriff's deputies, and by a court services officer, that I have to use a formal eviction proceeding (including 30 days notice) to kick my over-18 daughter out. It never came to that, but that is what I was told. I gathered it was a matter of going to the courthouse and asking for the paperwork. That is VA, of course, not NJ.

    My .02.
     
  16. peg2

    peg2 Member

    Irene,
    I have asked the police in my town, each officer gives a different answer,truth is,they don't know.The juvenile detective did tell me as far as he knows there is no procedure and I don't think there is. Besides, my son wouldn't know the difference. I don't know how this will turn out!!!
     
  17. meowbunny

    meowbunny New Member

    Peg, I would just let him know that he will be 18 soon and should start looking for housing, explaining exactly how much you will help him in moving out. Don't worry about giving him notice unless he flat out states he won't leave. Odds are that once he knows you'll help him pay for something, he'll be so anxious to leave everyone's head will spin. If not, you can always let him know he has no choice in the matter.

    As to talking to the police, I found the best way to get answers is to make an appointment with a captain or the police chief. Get the policy from a true officer of the department, not the men who work the streets. That way, if you have to call for help, you can say Chief So and So or Cpt. Such and Such said this was to be handled this way.

    Good luck. I think forcing your child out is always traumatic. I know it was for me but mine is now settled in an apartment. I'm just hoping she does okay there. No matter what, she's not coming back home and I have to live with that decision. You'll have to live with yours, but as long as you know you're doing what is best for all concerned, it's all you can do.
     
  18. So Tired

    So Tired Member

    Peg,

    Wishing you strength and courage in the days ahead. All I heard for a year from my difficult child was how much he hated living here and how he was leaving when he hit 18 (like that was gonna make me feel bad!) Funny, that rant stopped when he turned 18 in November. He moved out for a few days last month but then asked to come home. Said he was welcome if he treated our home with respect. Guess it's not as bad here as he thought!

    One of the things we did was install deadbolts to the exterior doors. I told him the day before it happened and that he would not have the key because of his failure to respect our home. If we wanted him locked out, we can lock the deadbolts. (Say we go away for the weekend and don't want him to have access to the house) It has given me a tremendous sense of security.

    We have given him till June 1st to find somewhere else to live. (He has a part time job and a car) Does your son have a job? Does he have transportation to his job? Maybe you could get him a bus pass to get him started... Not to enable, just so you could feel peace in that you did all you could to help him.

    I know it is hard to balance the love you have for him with the pain of being taken advantage of by him. I try now to do only those things that I actually want to, so that I don't feel as resentful when he is an absolute :censored2:.

    We will be thinking of you and sending you strength by way of support...
     
  19. Abbey

    Abbey Spork Queen

    Sorry so late in the reply.

    My personal experience is that they will NOT enforce abandoment charges on a teen of that age. J was smart. He'd run away, then turn himself into the local fire department. They'd call the cops and bring him home. Finally, (and I think he was only about 15 at the time), I said NO when they brought him to the door. They threatened arrestment. I held out my wrists and said, "Take me in. It's better than living in this h*ll." The two cops looked at each other and kind of shrugged. They see it all the time. They took J to juvie.

    It was literally this event that got him the minimal help he needed.

    Also, I stopped going to court with him. Heck, I would have lost my job for downtime. He was a big boy...do it on your own. Take responsibility. I don't think there is any law that a parent has to be present.

    Good luck with this.

    Abbey
     
  20. catwoman

    catwoman New Member

    I lived in central NJ all of my life, moved to PA 4 years ago. I tried several times to have difficult child removed from my home because of his violence towards me and was told by local police that until he was 18 I was responsible for him regardless of his behavior. Even after he assaulted me at age 16 I had to get a lawyer to keep the police from returning him to my home I was told that once he turned 18 I could make him leave or have him removed. I was never told about having to give him any notice.
     
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