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Anyone have tips for difficult child's poor planning?
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<blockquote data-quote="Marguerite" data-source="post: 187782" data-attributes="member: 1991"><p>I keep seeing this question on this site - "how old does he need to be before I can expect..."</p><p></p><p>The big answer is - you have a difficult child. Throw away the calendar, ignore the year on his birth certificate. He will be ready when he is ready. If then. "Normal" does not apply.</p><p></p><p>But neither do you have to give up. However, PLEASE don't try to discipline a child for something he is already motivated to do, but clearly cannot. It's like spanking a baby for not walking.</p><p></p><p>We've already been through this with difficult child 1 and are finding similar techniques helping difficult child 3 where the boys overlap in problems, and developing new techniques where we find difficult child 3 to have different problems. difficult child 3 is actually better than his brother, at organisation. </p><p></p><p>Strong suggestion - DO NOT EXPECT THE SCHOOL TO FIX THIS. This was an area where the school had such strong expectations that their "support" actually made the problems worse - we realised that difficult child 1 needed a higher level or organisation within the school (ie we needed teachers to talk to each other about him) than actually existed.</p><p></p><p>You have to accept tat YOU are needed to help him with this. I see it as part of my job as parent, to support my child and help him learn (through long-term support) to s-l-o-w-l-y manage his affairs. Be prepared/resigned to ALWAYS need to help him, even when he's 40. That way, ANY progress is rewarding for both of you.</p><p></p><p>What helped - </p><p></p><p>1) the calendar suggestion of Janet's. Although I agree, if you can find a way to make it work, use one calendar instead of 2. It really will depend on what you feel you and he can handle.</p><p></p><p>2) Colour-code his school subjects. We bought coloured contact adhesive and used it to cover difficult child 1's school folders/books. For assigned text books we got permission but used a patch of coloured contact on the spine of the book so it could always be removed later. There are ways, including using disposable clear plastic covers for books, which you can find ways to colour. We then bought matching coloured Post-It notes and highlight pens as well as a school diary. </p><p></p><p>3) This applies to the previous two points - DO NOT EXPECT difficult child TO USE THESE THINGS. He probably wants to get things right but hasn't a clue where to start. And you can't explain it to him and then expect him to be able to do it. No, YOU must do the organisation for him, at least for the next few YEARS. Ignore his age. Ignore people (friends, relatives, teachers) who tell you to stop coddling him, he should be old enough. Yes, he should be. But he isn't. So there.</p><p></p><p>4) How to organise him - BREAK DOWN EACH TASK. Set a mini-deadline well ahead of your real deadline, for each small stage. Got an essay to write? Set a deadline for getting books out of the library. Set another deadline for having all information gathered and research done. Sit with him and do a mind-map. Learn how to mind-map - you need to teach him and drill it into his skull. It will be the only way he can write a good essay, because if his organisation is so bad, this will also mean his thoughts and ideas are equally disorganised.</p><p>Colour code each step for each subject. YOU write them in on the due date on his calendar [difficult child 1 used to get his homework assignments from the teacher and write them into his diary - on the date they were given. This meant that when he turned to the due date, nothing was written there so he thought nothing was due].</p><p></p><p>Ways to break down tasks - be specific. And provide a written list. A chalkboard is good, because he can rub them off as they're done and see the list shrinking. Examples of "be specific" - tell him to bring his dirty washing to the laundry and put it into the laundry tub. Even more specific - specify WHICH clothes. </p><p></p><p>5) Be prepared to walk with him as he does it. Yes, it would be faster if you did it for him, but then he wouldn't learn. SO for a while, you will have to focus intensively on him which means letting a lot of other things go. </p><p></p><p>6) SLOWLY teach him life skills. Get him to help you cook, to begin with. Give him some choice in WHAT to cook. We're just discovering the Nintendo DS Cooking Guide - it's brilliant for kids like this and is getting difficult child 3 into the kitchen to cook (a skill he needs). It is not yet available in the US - a couple of months, we've been told. Watch for it as a parent investment in your child.</p><p></p><p>7) Do not get angry with him. Be patient. If you see him getting angry with himself, teach him how to relax and breathe deeply. After all, as his parent you've probably had a lot of practice!</p><p></p><p>8) Check his medication dosage. We found that difficult child 3 was much worse, then realised his stims hadn't been increased for years and he was now much older and much bigger - with the increase, he is also now much more capable.</p><p></p><p>There is more, but this should be a start. I've run out of time for now - I have organised difficult child 3 to use this computer to get some schoolwork done.</p><p></p><p>For a bit more, I posted on another thread (bran155, her daughter being stood up by her boyfriend and being a problem) about how to set house rules in place. These can also be really useful in teaching organisation skills to difficult children. Try and merge the two, but modify it to your own house functioning and your child's difficulties.</p><p></p><p>You can help, you can support, you do not need to be used and a doormat. There is a difference. Currently, I view myself as difficult child 1's personal trainer and organiser. He is now 24 and getting married in a few months. His fiancee is going to need help; she already realises she is going to have to support and organise him. I've already explained to him that he will need to be providing her with something she can't get elsewhere, to make all her efforts on him worth her trouble. He must be an equal in their partnership, even as they handle their different roles.</p><p></p><p>Life is what happens to him now. How he copes will depend on how well I've done my job up until now.</p><p></p><p>Marg</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Marguerite, post: 187782, member: 1991"] I keep seeing this question on this site - "how old does he need to be before I can expect..." The big answer is - you have a difficult child. Throw away the calendar, ignore the year on his birth certificate. He will be ready when he is ready. If then. "Normal" does not apply. But neither do you have to give up. However, PLEASE don't try to discipline a child for something he is already motivated to do, but clearly cannot. It's like spanking a baby for not walking. We've already been through this with difficult child 1 and are finding similar techniques helping difficult child 3 where the boys overlap in problems, and developing new techniques where we find difficult child 3 to have different problems. difficult child 3 is actually better than his brother, at organisation. Strong suggestion - DO NOT EXPECT THE SCHOOL TO FIX THIS. This was an area where the school had such strong expectations that their "support" actually made the problems worse - we realised that difficult child 1 needed a higher level or organisation within the school (ie we needed teachers to talk to each other about him) than actually existed. You have to accept tat YOU are needed to help him with this. I see it as part of my job as parent, to support my child and help him learn (through long-term support) to s-l-o-w-l-y manage his affairs. Be prepared/resigned to ALWAYS need to help him, even when he's 40. That way, ANY progress is rewarding for both of you. What helped - 1) the calendar suggestion of Janet's. Although I agree, if you can find a way to make it work, use one calendar instead of 2. It really will depend on what you feel you and he can handle. 2) Colour-code his school subjects. We bought coloured contact adhesive and used it to cover difficult child 1's school folders/books. For assigned text books we got permission but used a patch of coloured contact on the spine of the book so it could always be removed later. There are ways, including using disposable clear plastic covers for books, which you can find ways to colour. We then bought matching coloured Post-It notes and highlight pens as well as a school diary. 3) This applies to the previous two points - DO NOT EXPECT difficult child TO USE THESE THINGS. He probably wants to get things right but hasn't a clue where to start. And you can't explain it to him and then expect him to be able to do it. No, YOU must do the organisation for him, at least for the next few YEARS. Ignore his age. Ignore people (friends, relatives, teachers) who tell you to stop coddling him, he should be old enough. Yes, he should be. But he isn't. So there. 4) How to organise him - BREAK DOWN EACH TASK. Set a mini-deadline well ahead of your real deadline, for each small stage. Got an essay to write? Set a deadline for getting books out of the library. Set another deadline for having all information gathered and research done. Sit with him and do a mind-map. Learn how to mind-map - you need to teach him and drill it into his skull. It will be the only way he can write a good essay, because if his organisation is so bad, this will also mean his thoughts and ideas are equally disorganised. Colour code each step for each subject. YOU write them in on the due date on his calendar [difficult child 1 used to get his homework assignments from the teacher and write them into his diary - on the date they were given. This meant that when he turned to the due date, nothing was written there so he thought nothing was due]. Ways to break down tasks - be specific. And provide a written list. A chalkboard is good, because he can rub them off as they're done and see the list shrinking. Examples of "be specific" - tell him to bring his dirty washing to the laundry and put it into the laundry tub. Even more specific - specify WHICH clothes. 5) Be prepared to walk with him as he does it. Yes, it would be faster if you did it for him, but then he wouldn't learn. SO for a while, you will have to focus intensively on him which means letting a lot of other things go. 6) SLOWLY teach him life skills. Get him to help you cook, to begin with. Give him some choice in WHAT to cook. We're just discovering the Nintendo DS Cooking Guide - it's brilliant for kids like this and is getting difficult child 3 into the kitchen to cook (a skill he needs). It is not yet available in the US - a couple of months, we've been told. Watch for it as a parent investment in your child. 7) Do not get angry with him. Be patient. If you see him getting angry with himself, teach him how to relax and breathe deeply. After all, as his parent you've probably had a lot of practice! 8) Check his medication dosage. We found that difficult child 3 was much worse, then realised his stims hadn't been increased for years and he was now much older and much bigger - with the increase, he is also now much more capable. There is more, but this should be a start. I've run out of time for now - I have organised difficult child 3 to use this computer to get some schoolwork done. For a bit more, I posted on another thread (bran155, her daughter being stood up by her boyfriend and being a problem) about how to set house rules in place. These can also be really useful in teaching organisation skills to difficult children. Try and merge the two, but modify it to your own house functioning and your child's difficulties. You can help, you can support, you do not need to be used and a doormat. There is a difference. Currently, I view myself as difficult child 1's personal trainer and organiser. He is now 24 and getting married in a few months. His fiancee is going to need help; she already realises she is going to have to support and organise him. I've already explained to him that he will need to be providing her with something she can't get elsewhere, to make all her efforts on him worth her trouble. He must be an equal in their partnership, even as they handle their different roles. Life is what happens to him now. How he copes will depend on how well I've done my job up until now. Marg [/QUOTE]
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