arguing all the time

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by pattyfaye, May 17, 2012.

  1. pattyfaye

    pattyfaye New Member

    Hi im new here , but i have been having a problem with my Daughter, she is a very bright 17 year old, she has ADHD with combined type , meaning she is compulsive also , she is a fun, sweet child most of the time, but she has manic episodes when thangs are not going smooth mainly with her boy friends, she gets mad about everything, the small stuff is worse i just wish i could find out how to get her to understand she can't fuss about everything , She makes everybody around her so unhappy !
     
  2. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Hi there and welcome to the board, but sorry you have to be here.

    When you say "manic" what do you mean? ADHD doesn't cause mania. Does she just go into drama mode or does she get violent? Can you tell us a bit about her history?
     
  3. pattyfaye

    pattyfaye New Member

    When i say this i mean when she gets mad, you can't calm her down there is no between, she can get so upset about something that when she is calmed down she doesn't remember what happened. but my biggest issue is she fusses about everything, the biggest is if her boy frineds says he is going to go and do something instead of her agreeing , she will say ok, and later text him with a long nasty text and then there it goes
     
  4. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Do you think she may have a mood disorder also? Who diagnosed her?

    Are you positive that she is not using recreational drugs? That can make any teen behave in an erratic manner.
     
  5. pattyfaye

    pattyfaye New Member

    Yes im sure she is not using Drugs, She does see a family couselor, she is a good kid , she just can't keep friends because she fusses about everything, if they do something she doesn't agree with she doesn't respect their opinion, she is so strong willed , and im proud she defends and stands her ground , but she will cuss you out in a minute. her Boyfriend, hates to be around her so much, because he can't say or do anything right around her . Im just scared she will be alone forever if she doesn't learn to listen to her friends and stop judging them so harshly , She gets real up set because she always says stuff she doesn't mean. Could she be bipolar, !
     
  6. Liahona

    Liahona Guest

    We can give suggestions but we can't diagnosis. Has she been to a neuropsychologist to be tested? Is she on medications for adhd?

    Welcome!
     
  7. Giulia

    Giulia New Member

    Hello,
    About not keeping friends, you described me as a child !!

    First question, and don't take it personally, but does she have the right medicine and at the right dosage ? If her medicine is not the right one/is not at the right dosage, her impulsivity can more often than not make her act like this.
    What does her psychiatrist say about this ?

    Second question, did you have her tested for anything else besides ADHD, like IQ test, or any learning disorder, or any sensory disorder (like Auditory Processing Disorders (APD)) ? Did she have also tests for sight and hearing ?
    These tools will also help to help her better.
    I don't have Auditory Processing Disorders (APD) but a complete sensorineural hearing loss on one side, I had some bad strabismus which is now corrected.

    Third question, does she have any special interest like music, computer etc etc... ?
    Also, since she defends herself so well, she may volunteer in charities like Amnesty International (to cite a well known organization)....

    I know that in the US, socialization is a must, but I think that the most important focus has to be "civilized" better than "socialized".
    In the mean time, even if she has one boyfriend who loves her, it is not that bad. How many 17 years old have a boyfriend ? I didn't have a boyfriend at 17 yo, and I don't have any boyfriend at 26 years old.
    I don't have either a full social life with outings and such (hearing loss makes it difficult despite a hearing aid).
    She will find people who like her for what she is, and even if they are not many. The most important is not "having tons of friends" but being with people she enjoys and doing what she enjoys.
    I know that for you, socialization may be one of the most important values (I say maybe because I can also be absolutely wrong). But as my GP (General Practitioner) says, "the only thing you must absolutely have is health. If you have the rest, it is bonus". Ok, it is translated from French, but still, I love her wisdom and her way she puts things in perspective.
    I have one very good friend who has my grandfather's age and we spend good moments. He has dyslexia, dyscalculia and has some ADHD traits (possibly has ADHD himself). He has a wife but no children. He managed to study medicine and now, he has a strong expertise in body damage due to accidents, war etc etc.... Is it social success as a parent wishes ? Probably not. You would not see him with a ground of friends going to the movie, you would not see him in a congress while sitting with the richest and most famous. But he set up his road for success and he built a life which is not perfect, but he is happy in this simple life. It is not medicine with a M, but he has success in his specialty because he defends well his cases. He is strong willed and argues a lot, like your daughter. Listening skills are not his strongest point.

    In the mean time, instead of trying to teach her that kind of stuff, you can buy books about effective communication and let them in the bathroom. She can read them in the toilets. I know it sounds crazy, but it may help.
    Listening skills take time to learn, and it's not because she does not know them at 17yo that she will be alone forever. I am 26 yo and I am still learning.

    Don't worry too much about her having friends, socializing and such. Socializing does not necessarily equal to success. How many celebs socialize a lot, have success but destroy themselves because they try to fill an endless emptiness by this mean ?
    As long as your daughter is healthy, she can be the superb cherry blossom. At her own way.

    Be happy that she does not abuse alcohol, take narcotics, emotionally overeat and/or starving herself to death. From what you are saying, I don't think that it is a catastrophe. Se is not into the squares, but it does not sound as bad as you think.
     
  8. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    I have no idea if she could be bipolar, however a new evaluation by a neuropsychologist won't hurt. Does she seem to sabotage all of her relationships? That is possibly a budding personality disorder or even more likely maybe she just needs help understanding that she has to respect the opinions of others to have friends?? Believe it or not, some people honestly don't realize what they are doing to chase people away and they need it pointed out to them. For sure cussing people out will be a turn off...

    Have you ever tried cognitive behavioral therapy? in my opinion it's far better than talk therapy because it is focused on coping skills and is VERY effective if the patient tries. Buy the book "Feeling Good" by Dr. David Burns...very inexpensive. It explains CBT.

    Do you have other concerns besides that she is bossy? How does she do in school? Do you feel she is depressed or lonely?
     
  9. Giulia

    Giulia New Member

    MWM, I think that a person can do both, talk therapy and cognitive behavioral therapy. I believe that one does not prevent the other, instead, one completes the weaknesses of the other.

    Sabotage relationships can be a budding personality disorder or having another cause.
    Ok, I quibble over, as usual....

    A long story short, I agree with you that an evaluation by a neuropsychologist won't hurt.
     
  10. pattyfaye

    pattyfaye New Member

    She is depressed, this weekend has been the worst, her and her boyfriend broke up because he can't cope with the arguing all the time, she doesn't argue all the time but most of the time, when she hears things or sees things she doesn't like instead of asking she goes on the defensive and hurt everybody around her. with her words, She doesn't have very good self esteen either, she is beautiful and smart on honor roll this year, she got an award, this year, and thats an big accomplishment. i just can't stand to see her crying all the time about not having any friends , and her boy friend hating her, she causes this 90% of the time, i just feel for her.
     
  11. InsaneCdn

    InsaneCdn Well-Known Member

    Who is treating her for the depression?
    Does she have a formal diagnosis?

    One of the challenges with depression is that it often (not always) is a secondary disorder - there are other, very real problems, and if those are not caught and dealt with, the result can be depression... BUT... it can also be primary depression.

    Either way, she is going to need professional help.
     
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