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Arguing for the sake of arguing
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<blockquote data-quote="Marguerite" data-source="post: 238170" data-attributes="member: 1991"><p>All you can do then, Heather, is just keep going. I agree, it is really emotionally draining for you.</p><p></p><p>I'm glad her eye isn't seriously affected, but that something was found (it vindicates you).</p><p></p><p>easy child 2/difficult child 2 is like this, I really wish I could help her move on to stop this. I've had her literally escalate herself as if she is arguing with me (or morecorrectly, as if I am arguing back when often I'm not saying a word!) and it can be really bizarre. Anxiety and stress makes her a great deal worse of course. She would come home stressed from work and I might say, "How was your day?" (and if I didn't ask, sahe would get upset and escalate herself because I didn't care enough to ask.)</p><p></p><p>Me: How was your day?</p><p></p><p>easy child 2/difficult child 2: It was awful. I couldn't make K listen to me at all, she just went on and on about how I had to do things the way she said. I tried to explain that her way makes more work for us all, we have to do it my way because I've put a lot of thought into this, but she just won't listen, she just points at it and said, 'do it.' I mean, how does she get to be a supervisor with that attitude? How will I ever get to be a supervisor? I have to meet her standards and I just can't do it. She won't listen to me, nobody listens to me, I just don't know why I bother even talking to you about it, because you don't listen to me either. Nobody cares, I wish I was dead..." (storms out of room in floods of tears)</p><p></p><p>Heather, if it's any consolation, I have seen easy child 2/difficult child 2 learn self-control to a much greater extent. It took a lot longer than I expected it to, but it has finally begun to happen. Even though I know I didn't argue back with her or make her worse, there were times when I tried to help and found myself copping a barrage. But if I didn't try to help, she'd be crying at me for leaving her to wallow in it. There were times when I had to confront her (it took multiple sessions over a week or more, with me stopping the discussion as she began to escalate) to tell her I was very unhappy with always feeling like I had to walk on eggshells. I used all the official conflict resolution techniques (she gave me such good practice, I feel like the world's greatest expert now, on conflict resolution!) and always used "I" statements instead of "you" statements. As in, "I feel like I'm walking on eggshells, in my own home, and that makes me feel very uncomfortable."</p><p></p><p>I would find that apart from an occasional outburst, she would improve for a few days. Over time and trying again (and again!) she has slowly become more in control. She still will nitpick over things that really shouldn't be such a big issue, but she's more accepting when someone says, "get over yourself." </p><p></p><p>As long as it's not me!</p><p></p><p>Heather, sometimes physically walking away is not an option, I agree. And yes, it can make it worse. When I mean "walk away" I meant finding a way to do it mentally. Sometimes you can try to deflect, or sometimes change the subject or find something else to do. Even "pass the salt" can deflect sometimes.</p><p></p><p>But if you can just hang in there a few more years, it should get better. Meantime - you're not alone. If only we lived closer, we could introduce our girls to each other, then stand back and watch the fireworks!</p><p></p><p>Marg</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Marguerite, post: 238170, member: 1991"] All you can do then, Heather, is just keep going. I agree, it is really emotionally draining for you. I'm glad her eye isn't seriously affected, but that something was found (it vindicates you). easy child 2/difficult child 2 is like this, I really wish I could help her move on to stop this. I've had her literally escalate herself as if she is arguing with me (or morecorrectly, as if I am arguing back when often I'm not saying a word!) and it can be really bizarre. Anxiety and stress makes her a great deal worse of course. She would come home stressed from work and I might say, "How was your day?" (and if I didn't ask, sahe would get upset and escalate herself because I didn't care enough to ask.) Me: How was your day? easy child 2/difficult child 2: It was awful. I couldn't make K listen to me at all, she just went on and on about how I had to do things the way she said. I tried to explain that her way makes more work for us all, we have to do it my way because I've put a lot of thought into this, but she just won't listen, she just points at it and said, 'do it.' I mean, how does she get to be a supervisor with that attitude? How will I ever get to be a supervisor? I have to meet her standards and I just can't do it. She won't listen to me, nobody listens to me, I just don't know why I bother even talking to you about it, because you don't listen to me either. Nobody cares, I wish I was dead..." (storms out of room in floods of tears) Heather, if it's any consolation, I have seen easy child 2/difficult child 2 learn self-control to a much greater extent. It took a lot longer than I expected it to, but it has finally begun to happen. Even though I know I didn't argue back with her or make her worse, there were times when I tried to help and found myself copping a barrage. But if I didn't try to help, she'd be crying at me for leaving her to wallow in it. There were times when I had to confront her (it took multiple sessions over a week or more, with me stopping the discussion as she began to escalate) to tell her I was very unhappy with always feeling like I had to walk on eggshells. I used all the official conflict resolution techniques (she gave me such good practice, I feel like the world's greatest expert now, on conflict resolution!) and always used "I" statements instead of "you" statements. As in, "I feel like I'm walking on eggshells, in my own home, and that makes me feel very uncomfortable." I would find that apart from an occasional outburst, she would improve for a few days. Over time and trying again (and again!) she has slowly become more in control. She still will nitpick over things that really shouldn't be such a big issue, but she's more accepting when someone says, "get over yourself." As long as it's not me! Heather, sometimes physically walking away is not an option, I agree. And yes, it can make it worse. When I mean "walk away" I meant finding a way to do it mentally. Sometimes you can try to deflect, or sometimes change the subject or find something else to do. Even "pass the salt" can deflect sometimes. But if you can just hang in there a few more years, it should get better. Meantime - you're not alone. If only we lived closer, we could introduce our girls to each other, then stand back and watch the fireworks! Marg [/QUOTE]
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