Asking for positive thoughts..

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by jude-in-nj, Sep 17, 2015.

  1. jude-in-nj

    jude-in-nj Member

    I posted about a week ago (or more.. where does the time go?) regarding my Difficult Child. He is in County jail awaiting sentencing on Friday.
    I am having major anxiety. Spoke to his public defender yesterday who thinks the least he will get is 3-6 years in state prison (he violated his probation twice).
    This may be the ONLY thing that will help turn his life around but of course no mother wants to see their son go to prison.

    I go to sleep worrying and wake up worrying.. I am sure you can all relate!
    What will be will be I keep telling myself.. nothing I can do to help him.

    Thanks in advance for positive thoughts!
  2. Tanya M

    Tanya M Living with an attitude of gratitude Staff Member

    Hi Jude,

    I'm so sorry. I do know that feeling of dread and worry. You are right, what will be will be.

    When the anxiety hits focus on controlling your breathing. Slow deep breaths through your nose and exhale deeply out of your mouth. Surround yourself with calm, go for a walk in a nice park or the woods, take a long bubble bath with candles lit. Whatever you can do to help calm your spirit.

    Be good to yourself. It can be hard because you may experience feelings of guilt "how can I enjoy myself while my son is in prison" I was there once but I had to keep reminding myself that he created his own mess and I didn't need to own any of it.
    I was not going to let his poor life choices bring darkness over my life. I have a life to live and I want to live it to the fullest and be happy.

    You will get through this. It's not easy but you have all of us here to support you.

  3. jude-in-nj

    jude-in-nj Member

    Thank you Tanya! Doing my best.. I just spoke to Difficult Child from jail and I did not have the heart to tell him what the PD told me (3-6 high probability)...
  4. recoveringenabler

    recoveringenabler Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Sending prayers and positive thoughts for you and your son.... I know how tough it is........hang in there, do very kind and nurturing things for yourself, take care of you.
  5. Tanya M

    Tanya M Living with an attitude of gratitude Staff Member

    It's good you did not tell him, it's not your responsibility. While it may have come easier hearing something like that from his mom, the reality is he needs to hear it from his PD.

    It's good you were able to talk to him and I'm sure it was good for him to.

    He has a tough road ahead but this may be what he needs to get things turned around.
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  6. Scent of Cedar *

    Scent of Cedar * Well-Known Member

    When I am worried and cannot even rest, let alone sleep, I find repeating the Serenity Prayer helps me. I am sure you know it, but I will post it for you here, along with the story that goes with it, for me.

    God, grant me the Serenity to accept the things I cannot change
    the Courage to change the things I can
    and the Wisdom to know the difference.

    I was new to the site, when one of the moms here posted that prayer to me and told me to read it, and to read it over and over again until I got it.

    I did that.

    And it helped me, jude.

    Holding you and your son and family in my thoughts. I am very glad you found us. Just knowing you are not alone with it anymore will comfort you, and will help you be stronger, and somehow, you will get through it.

    I am very sorry these painful things are happening in your family.

  7. jude-in-nj

    jude-in-nj Member

    Thank you scent of cedar
  8. I work with acupressure points that helps a lot with anxiety and stress. One is to place the palm of your hand over your forehead and the other hand on the back of your head on that bulge above where your head attaches to your neck. Hold that position and breathe slowly and deeply for 3-5 minutes.

    You can also gently tap pairs of acupressure points in sequence several times: top of the head, inside edge of the eyebrows, just outside the eyes, cheekbones under the eyes, between the nose and upper lip, just under the mouth, the back of the hand between the pinkie and ring fingers and finally the side of the hand (the side you would use to make a karate chop). Keep tapping for 3-5 minutes. These points work with the nervous system and can help it relax.
  9. Childofmine

    Childofmine trying to do this thing one day at a time Staff Member

    Jude, good morning. Your post resonated with me. Last June (2014) my Difficult Child was in jail (again) and his public defender told him to be prepared to get the full four years in prison. He had broken probation multiple times as well. My Difficult Child later told me he lay awake all night long in fear. The next day in court, not only did he not get the full four years, they let him go that day, with four more years probation. That marked his turnaround.

    I was, like you, very sad and afraid but also resolute that he was going to have to pay the freight for selling drugs twice to an undercover police officer (two felonies) and then breaking probation after he was put on probation for those crimes. At that time, and for the years before that, all he did was dig a deeper hole for himself no matter what anybody tried to say or do.

    We never know. We can't predict what situation will be the situation that will wake them up and motivate them to start to change. One thing that I think is for sure (at least in my case) was that it wasn't going to be me. Because I had tried EVERYTHING in the whole wide world over and over again to get my son's attention for at least 6 or 7 years (starting back in high school way before things got really bad).

    I know you don't know what will happen in court. But think about this: the jails everywhere are very overcrowded. Often, they get sentenced and they never serve the sentence. At times I wished my Difficult Child HAD served longer sentences because I could rest when he was in jail and not homeless and drinking and drugging.

    What will be will be. The buck stops with law enforcement and I think that is a good thing. That said, I know you are his mother and you love him and you don't want to see him in prison. I so understand that too.

    This is a time for you to feel your true feelings (sadness, grief, fear...deep...) and then work to accept what is. I think for us, this type of "face the music" can be a time of change for us as well.

    I know you are hurting and I am so sorry for that. But this could be a catalyst for your son. I am hoping and praying that it is. Warm hugs this morning.
  10. AppleCori

    AppleCori Well-Known Member

    Hi JNJ,

    I'm sending positive thoughts your way for the sentencing today.

    Please let us know how it goes!

  11. SeaGenieTx

    SeaGenieTx Active Member

    I can not imagine the worry and anxiety you are going thru dealing with your son. I hope today some type of positive outcome happens in court. Please update and let us know what happened.

    You are very lucky to have a supportive husband and other children who are doing well. Good luck to you today.
  12. Scent of Cedar *

    Scent of Cedar * Well-Known Member

    Jude, this is true in one way, but in another way, there are some things you can do.

    You are his mother.

    You hold incredible influence in how your child will see himself as he comes through this, and in whether he believes he can turn this around.

    How you see him matters to him, very much.

    Here are some words. I needed other moms to tell me words to use too. They did that for me. They supported and honored me and my pain and confusion in doing that for me. That is the spirit in which I offer these words that are mine, to you. Not from an above you place, but from a "this helped me so much" place.

    "I love you. I am sorry this is happening to you. I know you, and I believe in you, and I know you will come through this. I don't know. (This was such a huge collection of words for me to speak to my children or grands.) I don't know, honey. I know you can do this. I love you so much. I want to know how you are. I want to know how things are with you. Challenges come to all of us. You can do this."

    "We all get to make ten thousand mistakes in our lives."

    I almost forgot that one. I had to edit it in.


    Stuff like that. That is how I learned to pick my words to say to my child facing something awful.

    It has helped my children for me to come in to a place where I am responding, not reacting. When I reacted, I responded to them from that desperate place a mother gets to when her children are endangered. When I learned to name my emotions, I could then learn to separate them from how I responded to my child.

    I reach for steady state. I reach for saying the words that will strengthen and balance my child ~ whether he hears me or hates me right at that minute, or not. Recoveringenabler posted for us the term: FOG for that whirling, scary place we get into when the kids are in danger.


    That is where I am. It will pass. I will come through this and into steady state. Then, I just have to wait for that to happen. Whatever my brain tells me to scare me half to death, I just name it FOG and wait for it to diminish a little and then, a little more.

    Pretty soon, I come back into rational presence within myself.

    "Oh. I am just in a living, moving nightmare, again."

    It sounds so simple, but it helped me so much to think about my own emotional states in that way.


    Understanding the kids are going to use every tactic they have to get us to do what they want, and that what they want, what they need more than anything, when they are addicted, is to service the addiction ~ that kind of thinking helped me, too.


    One of the hardest things about parenting an addicted or troubled child is that none of the pieces fit. That's okay. We need to learn different parenting skills, that's all. We need to learn how to manage our emotional responses so we can stay steady state. We can do that.

    Once we have, we can teach that set of skills to our kids.

    We can model and mentor the kids into seeing themselves as people who can handle themselves well, whatever their situations.

    Even when they are messing up big time, we can do that. We can find a way to do that.

    For ourselves, we need to learn how to do the best we know and let go of outcome. We cannot make our kids do one blessed thing. We can do the best we know and learn more stuff about how to do the best we know...and that's all we can do.

    That's okay, too.

    If we could do more than be our troubled kids' moms, this would never have happened to them.

    So, that's a good place to begin, and to stand up from.

    Our Seeking Strength tells us, when we are in hard places with our kids, to stay close to the site through this time. That is good, good advice. We will have heard pretty much everything already. The site is anonymous. Whatever you need to post about, one of us will have come through something like that, too.

    I am glad you are here with us, now.

  13. jude-in-nj

    jude-in-nj Member

    Thank you all so much for your thought and advice. Hearing there are unfortunately so many out there that deal with eerily similar circumstances is a comfort.. Not that I would ever wish this on anyone else.
    His court date was postponed.. Again.. Until 10/9. His PD wants to review an affidavit the girlfriend (victim) signed retracting her statement against my son. He still violated his probation with a "hot" urine and with the new charges against him from his latest offense with the girlfriend. if he's lucky... Very lucky he may end up with a year. But the PD stressed that the judge is a tough one when it comes to domestic violence and violation of probation.
    So we can only hope for the best and prepare for the worst (3-6 years)
    Thank you all again so much. I will definitely try the relaxation techniques.. I suffer from migraines and I bet it will help for those as well!