Forums
New posts
Search forums
What's new
New posts
New profile posts
Latest activity
Internet Search
Members
Current visitors
New profile posts
Search profile posts
Log in
Register
What's new
Search
Search
Search titles only
By:
New posts
Search forums
Menu
Log in
Register
Install the app
Install
Forums
Parent Support Forums
Parent Emeritus
At a loss for words and feelings....
JavaScript is disabled. For a better experience, please enable JavaScript in your browser before proceeding.
You are using an out of date browser. It may not display this or other websites correctly.
You should upgrade or use an
alternative browser
.
Reply to thread
Message
<blockquote data-quote="Childofmine" data-source="post: 689265" data-attributes="member: 17542"><p>Hi Milhval and welcome to the forum. I'm just so sorry for what you are going through right now with your son. </p><p></p><p>Please know your story struck a lot of chords with me, and there are many similarities to my son's story. </p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>You did not go wrong. He has decided to go wrong. Huge difference here. </p><p></p><p>Yes, they will blame us and blame us and blame us. They are victims looking for a scapegoat, and we are the most convenient and most of the time, we are only too glad to accept the blame. Don't do it. </p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>My son self-medicates. Today it's with nicotine. It used to be with alcohol and pills and pot and whatever else that I never found out about. </p><p></p><p>On a larger scale, many people self-medicate. I do it with food and success. Anyway, I digress...</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>Of course you are. The first time I kicked my son out, I thought I would die. I didn't and he didn't, but it was only the beginning of a very very long journey. For me and for him. </p><p></p><p>Your son is a grown man by society's standards, even though he is likely very immature due to his drug use and other factors. Boys take an extraordinary time to grow up, especially.</p><p></p><p>Can I offer you these ideas right now---for YOU:</p><p></p><p>1. Read the post on detachment that has been recommended. Print it out and hang it up and carry a copy in your purse. Read it every single day.</p><p>2. Find your source peace, whether it's prayer, church, meditation, yoga, exercise, a long walk, sitting in silence, whatever it is, and start a daily practice. </p><p>3. Go to Al-Anon. Find the meetings in your town, print out the schedule, and make a commitment to go to the first one. Then go to five more. We often say in Al-Anon to try it six meetings before you decide if Al-Anon is right for you. Al-Anon saved my life when I finally was able to hear what they were saying and recommending. It took me a long time because I thought I could affect change in my son's life. When I finally started seeing (I am very slow learner) that I can't change another person, I was ready to hear what they were saying.</p><p></p><p>Today, in my situation, I believe that my getting out of my son's way has been a key factor, not the only factor, but a key one, in him starting to rebuild his life over the past two years. He has had two years of steady progress after 5 years of a completely out of control life. He will be 27 in July. </p><p></p><p>Many of our kids go off the rails in high school, regardless of the school they go to, the parents they have, the outside factors that are in place. It is a time of tremendous change for young people, physically, mentally and emotionally, and it's a hard time for many. My son's very slow decline started in 7th grade, but he kept it all between the rails until he graduated because he wanted to play soccer and pretty much conformed to expectations (except schoolwork but the high school was a sports high school so they didn't have good emphasis on academics anyway) until he graduated. Then there was a very steep decline---he flunked out of the first semester in college, lost his scholarship, and stumbled through the second semester until they finally kicked him out there. Over the next few years he was in jail 8 or 9 times, homeless multiple times, and I was devastated. It was truly a terrible few years for me. I was divorced at the beginning of it all, and I spent a lot of my energy feeling guilty and responsible for my son's choices because of the divorce. </p><p></p><p>My son has an addictive personality just like his dad and granddad. It is genetic. He made choices that led him to the life he created. He has multiple chances in rehab, with doctors, with psychiatrists, with counselors, with well-meaning people, with me and with his dad, to turn himself around many many times, but he was a victim, he blamed other people, and he didn't want to do anything he didn't want to do. We had countless meetings, talks, contracts, yelling, screaming, hugging, talking, reasoning, you name it, we tried it. Nothing worked until he was ready to change. </p><p></p><p>So you ask, how can I get him to see? You can't. I'm so sorry but you can't. Maybe, if and when he decides to turn and walk in a new direction, all you tried to do will flood back in his heart and mind and that will make a difference. Who knows? I know that I spent 10 years sweeping up, bailing out, providing a safety net for my son, first for the little things and then for the big things, until I finally learned how to stop. I had to get completely out of the way in order for him to grow up and become an adult. It was and is the hardest thing I have ever done in my life.</p><p></p><p>A positive note: This weekend (and right this minute) that son that I am telling you about is in the back seat of our car. He, my new husband of 1.5 years (his stepdad) and I are in one car, and my older son and his wife are in another. We all drove 10 hours to a family wedding for my nephew and their cousin. We stayed in a vrbo together. We had a great time. We are on the way back home right now. I am a very grateful mother today.</p><p></p><p>My son is truly the Prodigal Son. My entire family is so grateful and so welcoming that he is back with us. We were all heartbroken at his choices for many years. Today, he is sweet, kind, still quiet, but is working hard to rebuild his life. He is an electrician and supports himself. He is paying off fines, and will be off probation totally in another 18 months. I help him with health insurance. </p><p></p><p>Things can and do change, but only when THEY decide they want to change and are ready to change. You can be there to extend a hand when that day comes, but I truly and honestly believe that we are just wasting our time, energy and money trying to change another human being. Even if it's for good and right reasons. Adults have a right to make their own choices, however destructive they can be. We need to let them face the consequences of those choices, and that is the fastest and best way for them to decide if this is the life they want or not. </p><p></p><p>We are glad you are here, and we welcome you. There are tremendous people here with many ideas, support and encouragement. Take what you like and leave the rest. Only you know your own situation and we all respect that here. Warm hugs today.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Childofmine, post: 689265, member: 17542"] Hi Milhval and welcome to the forum. I'm just so sorry for what you are going through right now with your son. Please know your story struck a lot of chords with me, and there are many similarities to my son's story. You did not go wrong. He has decided to go wrong. Huge difference here. Yes, they will blame us and blame us and blame us. They are victims looking for a scapegoat, and we are the most convenient and most of the time, we are only too glad to accept the blame. Don't do it. My son self-medicates. Today it's with nicotine. It used to be with alcohol and pills and pot and whatever else that I never found out about. On a larger scale, many people self-medicate. I do it with food and success. Anyway, I digress... Of course you are. The first time I kicked my son out, I thought I would die. I didn't and he didn't, but it was only the beginning of a very very long journey. For me and for him. Your son is a grown man by society's standards, even though he is likely very immature due to his drug use and other factors. Boys take an extraordinary time to grow up, especially. Can I offer you these ideas right now---for YOU: 1. Read the post on detachment that has been recommended. Print it out and hang it up and carry a copy in your purse. Read it every single day. 2. Find your source peace, whether it's prayer, church, meditation, yoga, exercise, a long walk, sitting in silence, whatever it is, and start a daily practice. 3. Go to Al-Anon. Find the meetings in your town, print out the schedule, and make a commitment to go to the first one. Then go to five more. We often say in Al-Anon to try it six meetings before you decide if Al-Anon is right for you. Al-Anon saved my life when I finally was able to hear what they were saying and recommending. It took me a long time because I thought I could affect change in my son's life. When I finally started seeing (I am very slow learner) that I can't change another person, I was ready to hear what they were saying. Today, in my situation, I believe that my getting out of my son's way has been a key factor, not the only factor, but a key one, in him starting to rebuild his life over the past two years. He has had two years of steady progress after 5 years of a completely out of control life. He will be 27 in July. Many of our kids go off the rails in high school, regardless of the school they go to, the parents they have, the outside factors that are in place. It is a time of tremendous change for young people, physically, mentally and emotionally, and it's a hard time for many. My son's very slow decline started in 7th grade, but he kept it all between the rails until he graduated because he wanted to play soccer and pretty much conformed to expectations (except schoolwork but the high school was a sports high school so they didn't have good emphasis on academics anyway) until he graduated. Then there was a very steep decline---he flunked out of the first semester in college, lost his scholarship, and stumbled through the second semester until they finally kicked him out there. Over the next few years he was in jail 8 or 9 times, homeless multiple times, and I was devastated. It was truly a terrible few years for me. I was divorced at the beginning of it all, and I spent a lot of my energy feeling guilty and responsible for my son's choices because of the divorce. My son has an addictive personality just like his dad and granddad. It is genetic. He made choices that led him to the life he created. He has multiple chances in rehab, with doctors, with psychiatrists, with counselors, with well-meaning people, with me and with his dad, to turn himself around many many times, but he was a victim, he blamed other people, and he didn't want to do anything he didn't want to do. We had countless meetings, talks, contracts, yelling, screaming, hugging, talking, reasoning, you name it, we tried it. Nothing worked until he was ready to change. So you ask, how can I get him to see? You can't. I'm so sorry but you can't. Maybe, if and when he decides to turn and walk in a new direction, all you tried to do will flood back in his heart and mind and that will make a difference. Who knows? I know that I spent 10 years sweeping up, bailing out, providing a safety net for my son, first for the little things and then for the big things, until I finally learned how to stop. I had to get completely out of the way in order for him to grow up and become an adult. It was and is the hardest thing I have ever done in my life. A positive note: This weekend (and right this minute) that son that I am telling you about is in the back seat of our car. He, my new husband of 1.5 years (his stepdad) and I are in one car, and my older son and his wife are in another. We all drove 10 hours to a family wedding for my nephew and their cousin. We stayed in a vrbo together. We had a great time. We are on the way back home right now. I am a very grateful mother today. My son is truly the Prodigal Son. My entire family is so grateful and so welcoming that he is back with us. We were all heartbroken at his choices for many years. Today, he is sweet, kind, still quiet, but is working hard to rebuild his life. He is an electrician and supports himself. He is paying off fines, and will be off probation totally in another 18 months. I help him with health insurance. Things can and do change, but only when THEY decide they want to change and are ready to change. You can be there to extend a hand when that day comes, but I truly and honestly believe that we are just wasting our time, energy and money trying to change another human being. Even if it's for good and right reasons. Adults have a right to make their own choices, however destructive they can be. We need to let them face the consequences of those choices, and that is the fastest and best way for them to decide if this is the life they want or not. We are glad you are here, and we welcome you. There are tremendous people here with many ideas, support and encouragement. Take what you like and leave the rest. Only you know your own situation and we all respect that here. Warm hugs today. [/QUOTE]
Insert quotes…
Verification
Post reply
Forums
Parent Support Forums
Parent Emeritus
At a loss for words and feelings....
Top