Sorry that I am late in responding; I couldn't find my post. Finally figured it out, sheesh! I am totally overwhelmed by life right now. A bit of history: My sister (B) gave birth to two boys. The oldest is now 21 (We'll call him "S") and the youngest is 14 ("J"). When J was just six months old, B called me to say "goodbye". She was planning to kill the boys and then herself. I begged her to get help, to call our mother (who lived in the same town), anything. Finally she agreed to give me 24 hours so that I could drive cross-country and take the boys for the summer. When I got there, she begged me to keep the boys. She had gotten pregnant on purpose both times, but had been in a long-term relationship with A's father. J was the result of pretty much a one-night stand with someone she worked with, but she wanted another kid.
B is bi-polar and, like most, takes her medications for a month or so until she feels better and then goes off them "because I'm CURED!" SMH. She has never used drugs, and rarely used alcohol (I don't think she drank while she was pregnant). From that first summer, those poor boys were sent back and forth between me and my sister for the next two years. A was 8 when this first started, so it was easier on him, but J grew very attached to me very early in his life and hated to go back to B. Unfortunately, I did not have enough legal reason to move for custody until J was 2 1/2 when B called the father of A, asking him to take A and also telling that dad that she planned to drop of J at the ER since she was convinced that the new laws regarding dropping off newborns still applied when the kid was 2 1/2. Luckily, A's father contacted me and I got onto a plane that night and took J for good.
B is not in J's life. She nearly killed him the last time she had him (not exaggerating, she pushed his face into the mattress while spanking him and A thought she was going to kill him). Obviously, B has some serious issues and had been abusing the boys.
As J has gotten older, his behavior began to be a bit strange (although completely potty trained, he preferred to defecate into his underwear or his closet), etc. By the age of 7, he had stolen so many small things that it was beyond counting. I had to get rid of my seizure-alert dog and my beloved talking parrot because he was abusing them. These are just a few examples, of course.
He is not currently on medications or in therapy. I know that sounds terrible, but he was being seen by a specialist in our area and it only made him ten times as bad. We've seen several doctors who specialize in ODD, and he manages to manipulate each doctor. The last time he was seeing someone, his behavior ramped up to the point where I seriously considered giving up my guardianship (this is when he stole the engagement ring by the way). The doctor sat me down and explained that the problem wasn't with J, it was actually his oldest sister because she was "correcting" him too much. Um, yeah, my oldest daughter is 14 years older than him and when she sees him walking toward the back of the house with a spray paint can in hand, what should she have done? She in no way took on the mothering role (I know how much confusion that would have added), but for this doctor to tell me that his behavior was out of frustration with my oldest daughter was beyond frustrating.
J is a master manipulator. About two years ago, he took my husband's butcher knife (he's a grocer and was working in produce so this was a part of his uniform). There was nobody else who could have possibly taken it, and of course we tossed J's room searching for it but he's evidently found one HECK of a hiding place. For one full week, we searched for that knife and asked J about it. He'd look me square in the face and tell me that I was a bad mother, because my job as his parent is to be on his side and believe him when he tells me something. In the end, he placed the knife (blade up) in my recliner. I don't even know how I saw it before sitting on it, but thank goodness I did.
Well, I've typed an entire novel, so I'll close this out. In answer to Buddy's question, he was seen by the head of our local County Mental Health office. This doctor told me in no uncertain terms that he was only diagnosing J as ODD because legally he couldn't label him a sociopath until the age of 16 in our state.
PS: I will update my signature line in a minute; I actually have 6 kids and J is the youngest (and only boy). A huge part of my frustration is when people tell me, "Oh, that's just a BOY THING." Ugh. Thank you all for the help. It's nice to have a soft place to land right now.