At wits end...

[P-nut2004]

Hi everyone, I just joined today after hours of searching for a site like this. My difficult child is my youngest child (7) & is currently running my household. She is diagnosed with ADHD, ODD, Anxiety Disorder, Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD), Temper Dysregulation Disorder (which P-Dr says is the new 'childhood bipolar') and auditory to verbal processing issues. I deal with constant tantrums, stealing, lying (generally for no reason), hoarding food & sharp objects, and general defiance and disregard for rules on a daily basis. She still wets the bed and has accidents during the day so she wears pads to school. In general she cannot be left unattended for more than a few minutes. I was previously diagnosed as bi-polar, recently re-diagnosed as PTSD and I'm still un-medicated because I have no insurance & can't afford medications. My husband is clueless & thinks my issues are imaginary and difficult children issues can be fixed with proper parenting which is of course my job. I'm losing my mind and have no support. I feel like difficult children issues are somehow my fault whether it be biologically or otherwise. At the moment I am so frustrated I can't even compose my thoughts to write this post. difficult child has a p-dr & a therapist she sees weekly, she is on concerta, zoloft & risperdal but the only difference we have seen is in her behavior at school. I am truly at my wits end, falling apart every night once I get her in bed (although she is currently not sleeping much at all & gets up several times a night) I could continue on and probably write a book but hopefully this is enough for someone to give me some feedback, advice etc. Im a very open person so don't hesitate to ask any questions you feel are pertinent to the situation. Thank you for taking the time to read my ranting

 

[HaoZi]

Hello, welcome aboard. Glad you found us, sorry you needed to.
Others will be along with lots of questions, so I'll start with the most recommended book: The Explosive Child by Ross Greene. After you read it, smack spouse upside the head with it (okay, I'm kind of joking on that part, but I know you'll want to do it).
Second thing: LOCK UP THOSE SHARP OBJECTS. NOW. Find some way, like a locked toolbox, that you can keep those out of difficult child's hands and KEEP THE KEY ON YOUR PERSON. On a necklace, a chain on your beltloop, whatever it takes. But remove those potential weapons for everyone's safety before they're used against your family.
If the medications aren't truly helping, you and doctor need to reevaluate which medications and what doses. Because the right mix can really make a difference. So can the wrong mix, and it's not pretty.

 

[Marguerite]

I'm tempted to suggest to your husband that you swap roles - you go out to work while he becomes the house parent. My sister did this when her husband was very critical of her housekeeping etc. It backfired on her - he was a marvellous house parent, kept the house exactly how he wanted it but also was a great dad. He calmed down a lot too, though, and realised that it was not as easy as he thought. They'd only intended to swap for a few months but he was so happy in the new role, and so was my sister, plus she earned more than him - they kept it that way. The effect on my brother-in-law's personality was interesting - he calmed down a lot, became more laid-back, was easier to get on with. Later on s the kids were older and in school, he got a job as school janitor and loved it. The kids loved him, too.

What you describe in your daughter is not the usual, it also does not sound like anyone with any understanding could consider it to be the result of bad parenting. If it were so simple, then why are so many other people working hard to help this girl? People in general are far too ready to blame the mother and you can be sure that if you were responsible, you would be getting blamed by others. Heck, even if you are not responsible, people are too ready to blame you. But experts who know what they're looking at, once they are sure it's not you, will be working to help. You can be sure they have already considered the idea that you are responsible - and rejected it. So if experts have already considered the idea and rejected it, then to what extent are your husband's qualifications greater in this area?

Sometimes the people closest are the ones most in denial. It is easier to believe you are nuts or incompetent, than to believe there is a serious problem. If he thinks his criticism of you can fix things, then it is an easy fix. But if he has to face the chance that something is really wrong - we'', he's the man of the house and can't fix it, a lot of men cannot handle that.

Marg

 

[Wiped Out]

Welcome P-nut! Glad you found our soft corner of the world (sorry you needed to). I remember my difficult child at that age-he was so similar. When you mentioned the part about not being able to leave her unattended for more than a few minutes I was brought back to when my difficult child was the same.

I'm sorry you are dealing with a husband who is not on the same page. Any chance you could get him to read The Explosive Child? Is he ever able to go to any appts with you? My husband comes to most of the appts. for my difficult child which really helps.

Please do not blame yourself! You definitely need to find some "me" time which I'm sure is easier said than done! For me it means exercising, reading, or maybe just vegging out in front of the t.v.

Sending gentle hugs your way and again, welcome to our family.

 

[P-nut2004]

Thank you guys for the warm welcome, I have been reading other members posts and I am so happy to find that I am not alone.

HaoZi- I have placed an order for The Explosive Child & Im looking forward to reading it, thank you for the suggestion. We do keep a lot of things locked up but it seems the list of things to lock away keeps growing, its very frustrating not to mention time consuming. I have tried talking to P-Dr about switching/ adjusting medications but she's very brief (we have 15 minute meetings once a month) and difficult to deal with. Perhaps its the P-Dr we need to adjust?

Marg- I would be thrilled to switch places with husband. I am almost finished with 2 bachelors degrees, one in Criminal Justice & the other in Psychology, it has been a long hard road taking classes while dealing with difficult child and I have been out of school for 2 years now, trying to go back this fall. If I thought for a second he would go for it or could manage to do half the things I do every day, I would jump at the chance. Unfortunately I will most likely finish my degrees and do nothing with them for now because I cant work and care for difficult child and be a good housewife and mom to the other two girls, its just too much for me to juggle. I already know from past experience that me working will not make him feel obligated to do more either and while he is a 'fun dad' he is not so great at the actual parenting and has to have my constant input to handle normal daily routines.

Sharon- husband does not read anything but car magazines LoL he claims to be unable to 'absorb anything he reads' and therefor will not try. He does occasionally come with me to p-dr & therapist but seems to think they should be able to give him a formula to fix everything. He didn't want to put difficult child on medications to begin with and now that the medications seem to be doing very little he thinks this has proven his point. He does accept difficult children diagnosis to some extent because I made a point of going to the best place in our area for a full panel of neurological & behavioral analysis. However, he thinks if we can just 'figure out how to deal with her' she will be ok. As for 'me time' I am just now learning (thanks to group therapy for PTSD) to make some time for myself & haven't yet mastered not feeling guilty about it. Right now this is my me time LoL and so far it seems to have lightened my mood today to finally find other parents who are dealing with difficult children of their own.
Thank you all again for the welcome and the advice!

 

[exhausted]

Welcome and I hope you continue to find this place relaxing. I do as well-I tend to come more when I'm stressed to find inspiration and calm.
Husbands-Mine is a good man who works hard outside the home. He too comes home and would sleep but has to be directed in order for me to get his help-even after 25 years and lots of counseling. He just needs it and we have worked that out. However he use to "bluster" and complain at me when he was younger. (counselor fixed that) He wont read a book either, but has learned that if he wont educate himself, I will educate him. I use to make him come to parenting classes I was teaching for a number of years. I also get videos and use Youtube for him. He has learned to back me all the way and he is good at following through once he knows where we are headed with difficult child. He also praises me and tells me how thankful he is for me-I did have to ask for this as well. He can play the good cop at times when we need the good cop/bad cop routine. We have worked it out over the years. Our difficult child has about killed us-she is just so mentally ill (serious PTSD and other things) and she is now in Residential Treatment Facility (RTF).

I know about exhaustion-when my oldest was little I taught full-time and worked on a Masters. My husband worked nights so it was just me dealing with a difficult child. We were poor and over worked. I did hire a babysitter-teenage girls seem to be so good at handling even our tough kids-they are willing to play and engage them. If you find the right one-just a few hours can be a god send. I used the time to write papers and do school work. I always got a real relaxing bath as well. Just a couple of hours a week. I recommend it highly. I found our girl at church-even if you dont go, that might be a place to post a request. Also many local high school have child development classes-maybe you could find one there? Just an idea. Take at least 1 night class in the fall-don't wait to finish. You need the intellectual stimulation.

I agree with the others that you should look closer at those medications. Take care and keep posting-you are not alone and you can survive this. Hugs!

 

[KTMom91]

Wanted to add my welcome!

 

[Malika]

Hello. You are a Warrior and a Heroine in your own life so you can already feel proud and good about that Are the psychiatrist and the therapist that your daughter is seeing helping her (or you) in any way that you can see?

 

[P-nut2004]

Exhaustedinutah- Thank you for giving me a ray of hope for husband We have tried couples counseling before and he seemed to improve but only while we were going, once we stopped (due to his work schedule) he forgot everything. I will continue to try to find ways to educate him on difficult children diagnosis, hadn't thought of youtube videos, great idea! As for sitters, I would love to be able to leave difficult child with a sitter but thru trial and error we have learned that it is best to only leave her with adults who know her well (mostly family) as she is excellent at convincing other ppl that she is allowed to do anything and we have had very bad experiences with sitters not watching her closely (one left PC2s reflux medications out and difficult child ate 15 of them & no one knew until I got home and found the package, thank goodness it only caused an upset stomach)

KT- thank you for the welcome

Malika- Thank u for the encouraging words, as for difficult children psychiatrist & therapist: psychiatrist is always very rushed and rarely has much feedback for me after she asks how things are, generally I tell her briefly how things have been for the last month, she asks difficult child a few questions & then she writes next months scripts. Even after difficult child ended up in the ER for suicidal behavior last month (confirmed by psychiatric hospital psychiatrists) she didn't think the medications had anything to do with it and treated it as an isolated incident, Im not even sure it went on her chart at psychiatrists office. difficult children therapist is a different story tho, she does play therapy and has done very well at teaching difficult child coping skills like deep breathing & helping her to recognize boundaries (everyone's personal 'bubble') difficult child sees her every Friday & my only complaint is that I don't feel like I get enough feedback from her as we never have personal meetings, she just speaks with me for a minute in the lobby before she takes difficult child to her office and again when she brings her back to me. I would definitely recommend that anyone with a difficult child try regular play therapy.