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Awe, now ain't that sweet?
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<blockquote data-quote="hexemaus2" data-source="post: 397692" data-attributes="member: 4560"><p>LOL Amaze...that's funny. I've learned over the years that it's better for me to keep my personal life and my family life separate. (Sounds strange, doesn't it? lol.) We have an "arrangement," I guess you could call it. He has his life. I have my life. Then we have our life somewhere in between...each piece is separate, which works great for us. </p><p> </p><p>It's a little late in the game for someone to step in and try to be any kind of parental figure for my boys, and I've learned the hard way that I really don't want anyone to. That works out great for SO, since he's never had kids of his own and doesn't really know what to do with teenage boys without stepping on my toes. </p><p> </p><p>We all went to the cabin together a couple of weeks ago...the most time he's ever spent with my boys. They all like each other, but there's no pressure from me for the three of them to have anything more than a neighborly kind of relationship. (Wave hello when you see them, maybe chat once in awhile, but never really get to know each other or feel the need to be "friends.")</p><p> </p><p>After years of gfgness...it's just easier for me not to have to worry about how my home life "looks" to someone else, or worry about the gfgness giving them such a fright they run for the hills. lol. Not to mention, I just don't have it in me to hear "well maybe you should just..." or "have you ever thought about trying..." any more in my lifetime. (Like there's anything left on this planet I haven't already tried, done, thought of, questioned, etc.) <img src="data:image/gif;base64,R0lGODlhAQABAIAAAAAAAP///yH5BAEAAAAALAAAAAABAAEAAAIBRAA7" class="smilie smilie--sprite smilie--sprite1" alt=":)" title="Smile :)" loading="lazy" data-shortname=":)" /> Then there are those guys who are just absolutely clueless and do nothing to be even morally supportive. It's just not fair (in my eyes) to expect anyone to step into this family and try to make anything work in that regard. They'd have to have difficult children of their own to "get it" enough to make it worthwhile in that regard...and I'm just not willing to add more gfgness to my life. I'm difficult child phobic. lol. </p><p> </p><p>So yeah, I have a boyfriend...but one that isn't involved in my family life. I get to have one or two nights a week that I can escape from work and mom duties, no pressure trying to blend my family with someone else's routine, and a strict understanding that I will not give up my life for anyone else, nor do I expect him to do that for me. I swear, our "dating," at least in the beginning, was more like a business negotiation. lol. </p><p> </p><p>Me: Okay, I'll go out with you, but don't expect me to invite you to my house for dinner. </p><p>SO: Okay, I can respect that...so long as you don't expect me to pay your bills. </p><p>Me: Works for me! Do I have to meet your mother? </p><p>SO: No. </p><p>Me: Even better! </p><p>SO: How do you feel about marriage?</p><p>Me: I've grown allergic to it.</p><p>SO: I like the way you think.</p><p>Me: Okay, so we can try this whole dating thing...but I reserve the right to opt out if it gets too sticky or uncomfortable for me.</p><p>SO: Do I get the same opt out option?</p><p>Me: Naturally.</p><p>SO: Cool. This could work.</p><p>Me: You don't take any kind of psychiatric medication, do you? Ever had a women take out a restraining order? Large numbers of ex's who've told you you're crazy? Any arrests or prison sentences I should know about?</p><p>SO: No. You?</p><p>Me: No, not unless you count that trip to Vegas where I went on a PMS-induced rampage and was a guest of the County Mental Health facility for several months. But that was months ago and I'm better now. Those little white pills worked wonders. I should probably go back on them.</p><p>SO: Reeeallly.</p><p>Me: You know I'm joking, right?</p><p>SO: God, I hope so. </p><p>Me: Okay, so you don't have to try to be all "parental" with my kids. I don't have to meet your mother, or go to company Christmas parties. You don't have to pay my bills. Anything else we should cover?</p><p>SO: Not that I can think of, just yet.</p><p>Me: You do understand, you won't be at the top of my list in terms of responsibilities, right? I have two boys to finish raising, a freelance career to maintain, and a farm to get off the ground. That puts you squarely in 4th place. You going to be okay with that?</p><p>SO: Are you going to call me 5 times a day, wanting to know who I'm with, what I'm doing, where I've been, and why I didn't call you 6 times yesterday?</p><p>Me: Um. No. </p><p>SO: Then I think we have terms. Will you be dating anyone else?</p><p>Me: Ha ha. No. I'm can't even promise I'll have time for you, much less anyone else. Besides, I've never been the footloose-and-fancy-free type that does well juggling "dating" more than one person...even if its only dinner & dancing. You?</p><p>SO: Nope. I'm a one-gal kind of guy. I just don't want that one gal following me everywhere I go via text or phone calls.</p><p>Me: Me neither. I hate when my girlfriends do that.</p><p>SO: ??</p><p>Me: I'm joking. I promise. Women have too many snakes in their heads for me. </p><p>SO: I think I could really begin to like this. Saturday work for you?</p><p>Me: Sure. I'll meet you at 6.</p><p> </p><p>I swear, that's how it started. At least we were able to work out all the things we DIDN'T want, right from the start. So it works well for both of us. Just enough of having another person around not to be lonely, but not so much so that things will get messy if it doesn't work out. At least until my boys are on their own, that's as close as I'm comfortable letting someone else get to my family life. </p><p> </p><p>I've also found that it's working wonders to teach my boys (now that they're inching towards 18 and independence) that ALL of Mom's life is not their business. What I do when I leave to go out with SO is none of their concern. That's my personal life - not open for discussion, since it has no bearing on family affairs. I didn't plan it that way, but I've found its helping them understand boundaries. Especially with difficult child 2, who doesn't get boundaries or privacy very well. (In his eyes, if it has to do with a family member, it's his business.) It's helping to draw some lines between what they can expect to know about my personal life and what's off limits. A great side effect has been them staying out of my bathroom...odd as that sounds. They no longer just walk into my room to use my bathroom when the main bathroom is occupied. It's actually kind of nice to be able to have some of my own personal life/space back...things I don't have to share or put up to a family committee meeting for discussion.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="hexemaus2, post: 397692, member: 4560"] LOL Amaze...that's funny. I've learned over the years that it's better for me to keep my personal life and my family life separate. (Sounds strange, doesn't it? lol.) We have an "arrangement," I guess you could call it. He has his life. I have my life. Then we have our life somewhere in between...each piece is separate, which works great for us. It's a little late in the game for someone to step in and try to be any kind of parental figure for my boys, and I've learned the hard way that I really don't want anyone to. That works out great for SO, since he's never had kids of his own and doesn't really know what to do with teenage boys without stepping on my toes. We all went to the cabin together a couple of weeks ago...the most time he's ever spent with my boys. They all like each other, but there's no pressure from me for the three of them to have anything more than a neighborly kind of relationship. (Wave hello when you see them, maybe chat once in awhile, but never really get to know each other or feel the need to be "friends.") After years of gfgness...it's just easier for me not to have to worry about how my home life "looks" to someone else, or worry about the gfgness giving them such a fright they run for the hills. lol. Not to mention, I just don't have it in me to hear "well maybe you should just..." or "have you ever thought about trying..." any more in my lifetime. (Like there's anything left on this planet I haven't already tried, done, thought of, questioned, etc.) :) Then there are those guys who are just absolutely clueless and do nothing to be even morally supportive. It's just not fair (in my eyes) to expect anyone to step into this family and try to make anything work in that regard. They'd have to have difficult children of their own to "get it" enough to make it worthwhile in that regard...and I'm just not willing to add more gfgness to my life. I'm difficult child phobic. lol. So yeah, I have a boyfriend...but one that isn't involved in my family life. I get to have one or two nights a week that I can escape from work and mom duties, no pressure trying to blend my family with someone else's routine, and a strict understanding that I will not give up my life for anyone else, nor do I expect him to do that for me. I swear, our "dating," at least in the beginning, was more like a business negotiation. lol. Me: Okay, I'll go out with you, but don't expect me to invite you to my house for dinner. SO: Okay, I can respect that...so long as you don't expect me to pay your bills. Me: Works for me! Do I have to meet your mother? SO: No. Me: Even better! SO: How do you feel about marriage? Me: I've grown allergic to it. SO: I like the way you think. Me: Okay, so we can try this whole dating thing...but I reserve the right to opt out if it gets too sticky or uncomfortable for me. SO: Do I get the same opt out option? Me: Naturally. SO: Cool. This could work. Me: You don't take any kind of psychiatric medication, do you? Ever had a women take out a restraining order? Large numbers of ex's who've told you you're crazy? Any arrests or prison sentences I should know about? SO: No. You? Me: No, not unless you count that trip to Vegas where I went on a PMS-induced rampage and was a guest of the County Mental Health facility for several months. But that was months ago and I'm better now. Those little white pills worked wonders. I should probably go back on them. SO: Reeeallly. Me: You know I'm joking, right? SO: God, I hope so. Me: Okay, so you don't have to try to be all "parental" with my kids. I don't have to meet your mother, or go to company Christmas parties. You don't have to pay my bills. Anything else we should cover? SO: Not that I can think of, just yet. Me: You do understand, you won't be at the top of my list in terms of responsibilities, right? I have two boys to finish raising, a freelance career to maintain, and a farm to get off the ground. That puts you squarely in 4th place. You going to be okay with that? SO: Are you going to call me 5 times a day, wanting to know who I'm with, what I'm doing, where I've been, and why I didn't call you 6 times yesterday? Me: Um. No. SO: Then I think we have terms. Will you be dating anyone else? Me: Ha ha. No. I'm can't even promise I'll have time for you, much less anyone else. Besides, I've never been the footloose-and-fancy-free type that does well juggling "dating" more than one person...even if its only dinner & dancing. You? SO: Nope. I'm a one-gal kind of guy. I just don't want that one gal following me everywhere I go via text or phone calls. Me: Me neither. I hate when my girlfriends do that. SO: ?? Me: I'm joking. I promise. Women have too many snakes in their heads for me. SO: I think I could really begin to like this. Saturday work for you? Me: Sure. I'll meet you at 6. I swear, that's how it started. At least we were able to work out all the things we DIDN'T want, right from the start. So it works well for both of us. Just enough of having another person around not to be lonely, but not so much so that things will get messy if it doesn't work out. At least until my boys are on their own, that's as close as I'm comfortable letting someone else get to my family life. I've also found that it's working wonders to teach my boys (now that they're inching towards 18 and independence) that ALL of Mom's life is not their business. What I do when I leave to go out with SO is none of their concern. That's my personal life - not open for discussion, since it has no bearing on family affairs. I didn't plan it that way, but I've found its helping them understand boundaries. Especially with difficult child 2, who doesn't get boundaries or privacy very well. (In his eyes, if it has to do with a family member, it's his business.) It's helping to draw some lines between what they can expect to know about my personal life and what's off limits. A great side effect has been them staying out of my bathroom...odd as that sounds. They no longer just walk into my room to use my bathroom when the main bathroom is occupied. It's actually kind of nice to be able to have some of my own personal life/space back...things I don't have to share or put up to a family committee meeting for discussion. [/QUOTE]
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