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AWESOME talk with my Mom!!!!!
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<blockquote data-quote="susiestar" data-source="post: 364125" data-attributes="member: 1233"><p>Thanks. I do know that you are trying to help. It is hard to imagine that it took you all and a couple of therapists to make me see that what he does is abuse. I spent so many years with it just being the way my family is and with the family telling me that family is the all important unit and that ours is so much more wonderful than everyone else's and all that koi. Cause they really did. But ANY time I questioned "the family" or thought that MY family, meaning husband and the kids and I, should be my priority it rained fire and brimstone all over me. Because I moved to a city that my parents didn't live in I was actually TOLD I was depriving them of their grandkids. It happened 15 yrs ago. Just today my bro told me that my parents walk on pins and needles and won't say anything to disagree with my because they are "afraid" I will move the kids away from them. He has a grasp on reality. IF reality is exactly what you decide it is. My parents didn't like that we moved away but they NEVER said it was wrong or bad or done to keep them from anyone. I guess they will know that this is a fear of theirs as soon as he tells them. </p><p></p><p>I am stirred up today because his call was really out of line. I did stop his first interruption and tell him I would listen if he would first listen to me. I spoke for 3 minutes. I then listened to him. At 25 minutes my phone died. He called to tell me I did it on purpose because I know he was saying the truth. He brought up stuff I did when I was NINE. No joke. The man who claims not to remember calling me after 11 at night (but used to call ONLY in the middle of the night and ramble for a minimum of an hour), who claims not to remember EVER hitting me, sexually abusing me, giving my daughter beer in her baby bottle, etc... says he KNOWS that I am doing many things. How can he KNOW all of that and not "remember" the things he does to me. He even claimed that my kids were only "mildly" sunburned the year he fried them to a crisp. The pediatrician my mom took them to has notes in the chart and pictures. If my mother had not BEGGED her not to call DHS she would have. That was the point that made me angrier than anything else. When I told him to ask mom what SHE remembers from that time he hung up on me. I was glad.</p><p></p><p>My mom is really hurting. She thinks she has a bowel impaction. Jess had one a couple of years ago. My mom said she was sorry she didn't realize how bad it hurt. At the time Mom and Chris said that Jess was just being dramatic and I encouraged it. Bro had led mom to believe he had been through it several times and that Jess was just "whiny". Mom NOW says it ranks right up their with childbirth with-o medications. I don't know about that, I never tried that route! </p><p></p><p>I was highly amused at the idea that Mom is afraid to tell me stuff. She SOOOOO isn't. Not by a LONG shot. When she went on ritalin bro asked me about it. I told him that MY concern was because I had been told it was harder on the liver than adderall. While the diagnosis confuses me, it has never been mine to question. Mom and I ended up in a GIANT argument about it because bro told her a bunch of outright lies. He came to me to get me to help with an "intervention" because he felt that after a week on the medications she was acting like a "junkie". I have his letter to me at the time. It is FULL of accusations against her and also said that if I disagreed I didn't love her. Which is the pattern. I refused and he told me I would be sorry. Three days later my mom called me and was FURIOUS because of what he attributed to me.</p><p></p><p>My mother has not EVER been shy about telling me what she thinks about my life. Esp once I had kids. She will not tell my exsil anything negative because she is afraid that visits with my niece will be withheld. Both of my parents have told me that several times, together and separately. My mom has also told me she is afraid that if she says negative things to gfgbro that he will start drinking. My KIDS have heard him say that he hopes they are never upset with him because that would make him want to drink and he could lose X years of sobriety. Last time they mentioned it, it was 6 years of sobriety, so it was with-in the last two years. I have frequently listened to my mother be afraid to say something about a problem because he might hurt himself. At one point she confessed to not wanting to say things about his behavior because if he got angry he might hit her! </p><p></p><p>I do think I know part of "why" he perceives that I am bitter and vindictive. After we have been at my parents for a couple of hours I am in a LOT of pain. I am often struggling not to cry or to vomit from the pain. I am sure that I do not look all thrilled with the world. I also do not laugh at every lame joke he tells. I smile, and always at least chuckle even when the joke is offensive to me just so that it doesn't cause a scene. Last time it was over the joke about why a wife had 2 black eyes. </p><p></p><p>Wiz had problems believing and remembering positive things we said about him. It went on for years. We used to pretend to call other people to tell them what good thing he had done or said. I think gfgbro might also be unable to perceive and/or remember positive things that I do and that my family does. At no time has he remembered any positive thing we have done, going back to when I was in high school. It may be aspergers, other mental illness, or all the brain cells he fried as he abused various substances. Whatever the reason, it is over. This is something where I will not cause a scene in public or at my parents, but I won't "get over" or go to therapy with him for either. For some reason it does help to have some idea WHY he seems so determined to vilify me.</p><p></p><p>husband, who has a sometimes twisted sense of humor, started calling him "Bean-Count-A-Claus" because he "knows" everything that we do/think/say/feel and if our parents are involved he MUST receive at least the same as they give us. He constantly tallies this stuff. I love the name!!! husband makes some wicked adaptations of songs. It helps him process stuff, according to his therapist.</p><p></p><p>Thank you all.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="susiestar, post: 364125, member: 1233"] Thanks. I do know that you are trying to help. It is hard to imagine that it took you all and a couple of therapists to make me see that what he does is abuse. I spent so many years with it just being the way my family is and with the family telling me that family is the all important unit and that ours is so much more wonderful than everyone else's and all that koi. Cause they really did. But ANY time I questioned "the family" or thought that MY family, meaning husband and the kids and I, should be my priority it rained fire and brimstone all over me. Because I moved to a city that my parents didn't live in I was actually TOLD I was depriving them of their grandkids. It happened 15 yrs ago. Just today my bro told me that my parents walk on pins and needles and won't say anything to disagree with my because they are "afraid" I will move the kids away from them. He has a grasp on reality. IF reality is exactly what you decide it is. My parents didn't like that we moved away but they NEVER said it was wrong or bad or done to keep them from anyone. I guess they will know that this is a fear of theirs as soon as he tells them. I am stirred up today because his call was really out of line. I did stop his first interruption and tell him I would listen if he would first listen to me. I spoke for 3 minutes. I then listened to him. At 25 minutes my phone died. He called to tell me I did it on purpose because I know he was saying the truth. He brought up stuff I did when I was NINE. No joke. The man who claims not to remember calling me after 11 at night (but used to call ONLY in the middle of the night and ramble for a minimum of an hour), who claims not to remember EVER hitting me, sexually abusing me, giving my daughter beer in her baby bottle, etc... says he KNOWS that I am doing many things. How can he KNOW all of that and not "remember" the things he does to me. He even claimed that my kids were only "mildly" sunburned the year he fried them to a crisp. The pediatrician my mom took them to has notes in the chart and pictures. If my mother had not BEGGED her not to call DHS she would have. That was the point that made me angrier than anything else. When I told him to ask mom what SHE remembers from that time he hung up on me. I was glad. My mom is really hurting. She thinks she has a bowel impaction. Jess had one a couple of years ago. My mom said she was sorry she didn't realize how bad it hurt. At the time Mom and Chris said that Jess was just being dramatic and I encouraged it. Bro had led mom to believe he had been through it several times and that Jess was just "whiny". Mom NOW says it ranks right up their with childbirth with-o medications. I don't know about that, I never tried that route! I was highly amused at the idea that Mom is afraid to tell me stuff. She SOOOOO isn't. Not by a LONG shot. When she went on ritalin bro asked me about it. I told him that MY concern was because I had been told it was harder on the liver than adderall. While the diagnosis confuses me, it has never been mine to question. Mom and I ended up in a GIANT argument about it because bro told her a bunch of outright lies. He came to me to get me to help with an "intervention" because he felt that after a week on the medications she was acting like a "junkie". I have his letter to me at the time. It is FULL of accusations against her and also said that if I disagreed I didn't love her. Which is the pattern. I refused and he told me I would be sorry. Three days later my mom called me and was FURIOUS because of what he attributed to me. My mother has not EVER been shy about telling me what she thinks about my life. Esp once I had kids. She will not tell my exsil anything negative because she is afraid that visits with my niece will be withheld. Both of my parents have told me that several times, together and separately. My mom has also told me she is afraid that if she says negative things to gfgbro that he will start drinking. My KIDS have heard him say that he hopes they are never upset with him because that would make him want to drink and he could lose X years of sobriety. Last time they mentioned it, it was 6 years of sobriety, so it was with-in the last two years. I have frequently listened to my mother be afraid to say something about a problem because he might hurt himself. At one point she confessed to not wanting to say things about his behavior because if he got angry he might hit her! I do think I know part of "why" he perceives that I am bitter and vindictive. After we have been at my parents for a couple of hours I am in a LOT of pain. I am often struggling not to cry or to vomit from the pain. I am sure that I do not look all thrilled with the world. I also do not laugh at every lame joke he tells. I smile, and always at least chuckle even when the joke is offensive to me just so that it doesn't cause a scene. Last time it was over the joke about why a wife had 2 black eyes. Wiz had problems believing and remembering positive things we said about him. It went on for years. We used to pretend to call other people to tell them what good thing he had done or said. I think gfgbro might also be unable to perceive and/or remember positive things that I do and that my family does. At no time has he remembered any positive thing we have done, going back to when I was in high school. It may be aspergers, other mental illness, or all the brain cells he fried as he abused various substances. Whatever the reason, it is over. This is something where I will not cause a scene in public or at my parents, but I won't "get over" or go to therapy with him for either. For some reason it does help to have some idea WHY he seems so determined to vilify me. husband, who has a sometimes twisted sense of humor, started calling him "Bean-Count-A-Claus" because he "knows" everything that we do/think/say/feel and if our parents are involved he MUST receive at least the same as they give us. He constantly tallies this stuff. I love the name!!! husband makes some wicked adaptations of songs. It helps him process stuff, according to his therapist. Thank you all. [/QUOTE]
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AWESOME talk with my Mom!!!!!
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