Backk on the streetss!!!

[toughlovin]

Yep once again my difficult child is back on the streets!!! Dang. I woke up this morning having had a nightmare where my difficult child was kicked out of the sober house! I have been having a bad feeling all week... I have had some good text convos with my difficult child but he had told me the ex-girlfriend was visiting (bad news) and I had not heard anything from the sober house.... which I was trying to convince myself was good news but in fact I knew it must meant there wasn't bad news....and so I was having this sense of no positive movement and was feeling in general anxious and depressed. Then I had that dream.

A few hours later I got the call from J (the owner) and C (my friend there). My difficult child had been caught having sex on the side of the house with the ex-girlfriend!!! Very against the rules!! They have been working and working with him and he keeps pushing and pushing the limits and rules and just cant let it go this time. I dont blame them one bit! So they are going to set up some things for him and some things he needs to do to be able to come back. So no he cant come to the house but they are not completely abandoning him. They have both been there. So he is on the streets again fro awhile. They told him to go on a vision quest and figure out if he wants to be sober and live a different life and if not then figure out how he is going to live his life. I guess he was upset and distraught but admitted he needs to figure out why he keeps doing this to himself!! One of the reqquirements for them to take him back will be that he really go to therapy!

Soo I am upset but in a strange way also relieved.... because this will cause some kind of movement and knowing my difficult child it may wake him up once again and help him get back on track but it will be worrisome uuntil he gets there.

I need to keep taking care of myself and not go into obession mode again. I cant stand that place.

*TL

 

[PatriotsGirl]

Oh my heavens!!! (((HUGS)))..... I hope this gets him into therapy....maybe he had to go back to move forward....

 

[Calamity Jane]

TL,
You knew something was up a while ago, and that dream this morning was just the confirmation. (((Hugs))). Maybe you feel a little better because the anticipation of the problem is often worse than the actual problem itself.
I hope he does some serious thinking - geez - that ex-girlfriend is a baaad influence! Ugh...vision quest time. Hope he makes the right choices.

 

[pasajes4]

Sorry to hear this.

 

[Nancy]

I'm sorry TL. I hate that feeling of impending doom. I truly hope he decides he doesn't want to live on the street.

 

[Kathy813]

I'm sorry, too. My difficult child thinks she can break the rules, too. She actually takes pride in it. During our family weekend with difficult child when she still was in residential, the counselors talked about the need to surrender their will to doing what others know will work for them to get and stay sober. I can tell my difficult child is not in that place yet and I think your difficult child hasn't reached it either.

Until they do, it will be the same old thing over and over again. My difficult child planned a trip behind our back to visit a guy that she was in rehab with and lied to her therapy team and us about it. There is a very good chance she will be thrown out of the sober house if she goes but she is bound and determined to go. We have told her that if she gets kicked out of the sober house our financial support ends.

Looks like both of our difficult child's will be on the street.

{{{Hugs}}}

~Kathy

 

[AmericanGirl]

TL,

Sorry I am just now catching up. Not surprised about your dream.

we have to remember that our difficult children don't get 'thrown out'. They CHOOSE it when they elect to ignore the rules.

obsession? Yep, I know that place. You are so wise to try to avoid it. Try to take very good care of you. You need it. You deserve it.

have you heard anything more?

 

[Nancy]

Thinking about you TL. What's happening?

 

[Signorina]

Thinking of you too...

 

[toughlovin]

Thank you everyone for all your thoughts. Kathy I think it is good our difficult children are not in the same physical place because I am sure they would find each other!!! I hope for your sake she doesnt get kicked out.... but really I also think that for these kids that dont obey rules it doesnt help them to get break after break because then they think they can break the rules... and really if my difficult child does not get that he cant do that he will end up in jail!!

AG - I am not sure I totally agree it is a "choice". I think with my difficult child there are some underlying mental health issues that make him do this stuff... he does not think through the consequences before he acts. However that also can not use this as an excuse because he has somehow got to learn and get help to figure out how to do what most people do naturally.

I am kind of taking bets on how long it will before he contacts me. We have not heard from him at all since this happened. They did tell him we were on board so he knows we know but has not called us. I have been a little torn between my heart and my gut.... because my heart wants to reach out and tell him I love him no matter what. I know that he has major abandonment issues (I think due to being adopted) and those feel so hard and so I so dont want him feel abandoned by us. on the other hand my gut is saying strongly that this has to be his journey and at this point I need to stay out of it so I should be here if he contacts me but i should not contact him. I asked the friend who runs the sober houe and he told me to go with my gut, not my heart so that is what I am doing. I did text difficult child yesterday with a message he got on the home phone (from a bank which is weird) but I dont think he got my text. I will see if I hear anything from him on Mothers day.... I am not counting on it at all and will not let it ruin my day if I dont!

I take comfort in the fact that he is in a place where it is warm, and that he knows what he needs to do to get back into the house and that is an option. That the guys out there know the streets and will try to keep track of him and are willing to meet him and take him out for a sandwhich. So is not all alone with no where to turn.... and fact is at this point he knows how to live on the streets. So it is better than last time, although still not great.

I am doing ok. I do better when I am busy. Yesterday i got into a funk and I have been binge eating which makes me feel worse....so I am just trying to keep busy, think about the things I need to and want to do and not totally focus on him. I find I am getting better at doing this as I keep having to do this. I am sleeping although not as well as I was before.

He did post something on FB yesterday that he was doing good, he was sober and counting the days until he was reaccepted by his family. On the one hand I was glad to see he was sober, doing ok and obviously thinking about how to get back into the house.... and at least if he is thinking about the guys as family that is a good thing.... on the other h it stings to realize that I dont think he is thinking of us as his family anymore.

For him to get back into the house he does need to be clean and they will drug test him so that is good and hopefully will be a deterrent for him and will keep him motivated to stay sober. Hopefully he is really thinking right now about what he wants in life and what he has to do to get it.

I am trying not to feel hopeless.

I am so thankful for this board and all of you.

*TL

 

[lovemysons]

TL,

Please don't "own" your difficult child's "abandonment issues" as I truly believe it is just a source of pain for difficult child to use over. What I mean is...ANY REASON will do.
It's so hard to keep from feeling sorry for our difficult child's sometimes...but I believe it is to their detriment if we feed that "monster". If we allow them to have a Vicitim Mentality we do them no good. We have to talk to them in such a way that show's them we believe they are strong enough, capable enough, to get back on track...regardless of the odd's. On the other hand...it is not up to us, we should never feel like their sobriety hinges on us.

TL...I'm with you in spirit right now. I "know" something is going to happen as my young difficult child is at that Fork in the Road too at this moment.

Hopes and prayers that our difficult child's will think, submit to the rules, and do The Next Right Thing.
Hugs and love,
LMS

 

[toughlovin]

Thanks LMS... you are absolutely right about my not owning his abandonment issues. I think I feel guilty about letting him cry when we brought him home because we could not figure out what else to do his first night home.... and he would not stop crying no matter what we tried... and for the time when he was 15 when we left him at the TBS and he did not want us to leave...... but really those things were not abandonment... when he was in the TBS we flew down every month to see him for goodness sakes. I have been there for him over and over..... and my easy child daughter told me yestrday oh my God you have always been there for him even when you shouldnt have. LOL. So yes I have finally realized his issues around abandonment are really not about me at all.... they are his issues related to his adoption.... and he is the one who needs to get therapy to help him work them through ..... along with working through all his other issues!!

And when I said some of his screwing up is not so much a choice as much as due to underlying issues... I think that is true and I got clearer on the whole issue of looking at substance abuse as a disease rather than a choice.... BUT he does have the choice to get and use help for his issues. I cant do that for him and I cant make him either.

One of the other requirements for him going back to the sober house is that he needs to be getting therapy and I totally agree with that.

*TL