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Bad Therapy session
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<blockquote data-quote="Marguerite" data-source="post: 390832" data-attributes="member: 1991"><p>Cari Lynn, I didn't say what I did to make you feel bad or guilty. The fact that you have, is another bad sign. You have been the verbal punching bag for so long that you snap into "mea culpa" mode. Not healthy for you or for your family. You need to find your inner strength and learn to shrug off attempts to make you feel bad.</p><p></p><p>One way you can begin to do this, is to stop seeing these situations as blame-based. Sometimes it's not about blame. Sometimes unpleasant things just happen. You wake up and the sunny day you had expected and that was forecast, has turned into rain overnight. No blame - weather is chaotic. Forecasting is not perfect and never will be.</p><p></p><p>Children grow up with an immature view of the world and the confidence that their parents control everything. Discipline is often blame-based, or linked to consequences. "You commit X crime, you face the punishment." So they learn that when something unpleasant is happening, there has to be a "fault". A maturing child eventually learns this is not always the case; eventually they learn about personal responsibility and discover, to their delight, that they can produce good consequences for themselves. The problems develop in individuals whose brains do not move on to this and who remain fixated on avoiding personal responsibility through blaming others. While they do this, they fail to learn their personal involvement in consequences and thereby fail to learn how they can give themselves good consequences.</p><p></p><p>A lot of adults are like this; having adults like this around makes it harder for a child to learn to move past this, but the reasons are far more complex. And again, while we dwell on the reasons we are too close to blaming. </p><p></p><p>It's important to move beyond blame, in all relationships for a while. Just take note of how often it comes up in your thoughts and your interactions with family members. And work to stop it.</p><p></p><p>Once you have put some balance back in, then yo can go back to APPROPRIATE blame, and add in some positive outcomes. "You shouldn't have been throwing the ball inside, the ball hit the vase and broke it. But if you help me clean up the glass, we'll see what we can do about buying a replacement."</p><p></p><p>The team approach is good too. "We'll work together to solve this." </p><p></p><p>Another line I used in the early stages of trying to teach a kid that blame was inappropriate - a kid was saying, "I didn't make the mess, so why should I help clean it up?"</p><p>My reply was, "I didn't make the mess either, but if you don't help me, I will have to do it all myself. It's not fair, but it has to be done. This isn't about blame, it's about me asking you to help me, so we can both be finished a lot sooner and have a tidy house much sooner."</p><p>I've also been known to add, "If I have to do it all myself, I will be too tired to fix your favourite for dinner; it will be leftovers instead. So help me now, so I can then have the time and energy to do something nice for you."</p><p></p><p>Not blame-based, but still consequence-based. Plus the promise of a good consequence if help is forthcoming.</p><p></p><p>Marg</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Marguerite, post: 390832, member: 1991"] Cari Lynn, I didn't say what I did to make you feel bad or guilty. The fact that you have, is another bad sign. You have been the verbal punching bag for so long that you snap into "mea culpa" mode. Not healthy for you or for your family. You need to find your inner strength and learn to shrug off attempts to make you feel bad. One way you can begin to do this, is to stop seeing these situations as blame-based. Sometimes it's not about blame. Sometimes unpleasant things just happen. You wake up and the sunny day you had expected and that was forecast, has turned into rain overnight. No blame - weather is chaotic. Forecasting is not perfect and never will be. Children grow up with an immature view of the world and the confidence that their parents control everything. Discipline is often blame-based, or linked to consequences. "You commit X crime, you face the punishment." So they learn that when something unpleasant is happening, there has to be a "fault". A maturing child eventually learns this is not always the case; eventually they learn about personal responsibility and discover, to their delight, that they can produce good consequences for themselves. The problems develop in individuals whose brains do not move on to this and who remain fixated on avoiding personal responsibility through blaming others. While they do this, they fail to learn their personal involvement in consequences and thereby fail to learn how they can give themselves good consequences. A lot of adults are like this; having adults like this around makes it harder for a child to learn to move past this, but the reasons are far more complex. And again, while we dwell on the reasons we are too close to blaming. It's important to move beyond blame, in all relationships for a while. Just take note of how often it comes up in your thoughts and your interactions with family members. And work to stop it. Once you have put some balance back in, then yo can go back to APPROPRIATE blame, and add in some positive outcomes. "You shouldn't have been throwing the ball inside, the ball hit the vase and broke it. But if you help me clean up the glass, we'll see what we can do about buying a replacement." The team approach is good too. "We'll work together to solve this." Another line I used in the early stages of trying to teach a kid that blame was inappropriate - a kid was saying, "I didn't make the mess, so why should I help clean it up?" My reply was, "I didn't make the mess either, but if you don't help me, I will have to do it all myself. It's not fair, but it has to be done. This isn't about blame, it's about me asking you to help me, so we can both be finished a lot sooner and have a tidy house much sooner." I've also been known to add, "If I have to do it all myself, I will be too tired to fix your favourite for dinner; it will be leftovers instead. So help me now, so I can then have the time and energy to do something nice for you." Not blame-based, but still consequence-based. Plus the promise of a good consequence if help is forthcoming. Marg [/QUOTE]
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