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Bad Therapy session
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<blockquote data-quote="susiestar" data-source="post: 390874" data-attributes="member: 1233"><p>Cari Lynn, at 16 a drug test should be MANDATORY with changes like your son has gone through and his behavior in class and at home. Not negotiable. Take him somewhere and get him a really BIG drink then take him to the docs or home to do a drugstore test. Either way, if he refuses, take EVERYTHING away from him. Lock his room or strip it, whatever so that he has clothes YOU pick that he does NOT like, a mattress on a floor, and make sure that all food he likes is locked up and at school he can only get the hot lunch and NOT pick from other choices. Take money and access to bank accounts away (as a minor you have that right), also if he has a car take it away - not just the keys, go and take some parts out of it also. Removing the spark plug wires is usually easy but you MUST remember the order they are hooked up in. You have no way of knowing if he has made an extra key in case you take his or not, so this will keep him from going anywhere. Lock up the tv, computer and ALL video games, his music, his IPOD, simply everything that is not his mattress, a blanket and a pillow, and the stuff I listed earlier. </p><p> </p><p>It sounds, and is, harsh. But if he wants the benefits of living in a home with a loving family, nice things, good food, etc... he can earn it the way the rest of us have to earn things. There are NO FREE RIDES. I would only take this stuff away at this point for major things like refusing a drug test. I would let him know that as the doctor says, there is a price to be paid for having a nice life. His behavior is NOT meeting this price so he may lose ANYTHING unless he starts cooperating in therapy and/or in school. </p><p> </p><p>It is harsh, but so is his behavior. How far is he going to get with college or a job with this behavior? He likely does not realize that at age 18 you do NOT have to give him another dime, much less let him live with you. He could get loans for college, but unless he is willing to perform he will be kicked out after the first or second semester. He would also likely still have to have a job, which means full time school PLUS work just to survive. Otherwise any job he gets will be low paying, boring, and he will likely hate it. If he shuts down and refuses to speak to customers or his coworkers or boss he won't last a week in the job. His PA behavior is NOT something he can get through life on and it is high time he learns it.</p><p> </p><p>Better he learns this NOW than after the world kicks him around. You cannot force him to learn this, all you can do is to make his life as realistic as possible. Reality is that he won't have a happy life with these behaviors, and if he cannot take responsibility for anything he will never achieve anything. The doctor is right about giving him questions that take responsibility away from him. He will NOT take responsiblity unless he has to, and it will hurt him in life.</p><p> </p><p>A group home or wilderness program or long psychiatric hospital stay may help him. The problem is going to be finding this. It may be incredibly expensive depending on what your insurance will pay. You also must find the right program, as not every program is for every child's problems. It hurts to have them have to go somewhere, but if it will give them the best chance at a good adult life then it is worth it. Check your insurance coverage to see what they will and will not pay for. Some parents have taken second mortgages. At one point I had the cops take my son. He was determined to beat me if I did anything that upset him. Saying "Hi, how was your day?" was an "offense" in his eyes and he learned that I flat out REFUSE to be battered by anyone. I won't set that example for my other kids and I won't let my son be in a position where he might kill someone as the guilt from that would likely result in his suicide. He was taken to the local Youth Shelter, which he LOVED because they had computers and video games. He got tossed out of there because the rules were no physical contact and he thought those were for other people not him. He ended up at my parents and after a total of 3 court appearances where somehow the paperwork needed to press charges was never there (the judge did NOT want to deal with this, and he kept telling the officer to find the paperwork in court and behind the scenes he told the officer NOT to do any paperwork so we would maybe be forced to solve it ourselves. That judge was NOT re-elected 2 yrs ago because he did this a LOT and was the only family court judge for our area.) anyway, my dad begged to have a shot with Wiz rather than to have him keep wondering every day if today was the day he would have to leave with no notice. I gave in and let Wiz stay with them and somehow Wiz turned things around. It was LONG and painful and awful. My relationship with my parents will never really recover from it either.</p><p> </p><p>Anyway, you are at a crucial point. At his age you can, but should not, go much longer with-o a drug screen. Drugs are just too easy to get, esp in high schools. Then you will have info to help you figure out what to do next. I like your therapist's approach. Listen to him. Also read "Parenting Your Teen With Love and Logic" as soon as you can. I think you will find it both enlightening and empowering. Of course don't disappear from here - we are a great resource because so many people just do not really understand what you are going through. (((((hugs)))))</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="susiestar, post: 390874, member: 1233"] Cari Lynn, at 16 a drug test should be MANDATORY with changes like your son has gone through and his behavior in class and at home. Not negotiable. Take him somewhere and get him a really BIG drink then take him to the docs or home to do a drugstore test. Either way, if he refuses, take EVERYTHING away from him. Lock his room or strip it, whatever so that he has clothes YOU pick that he does NOT like, a mattress on a floor, and make sure that all food he likes is locked up and at school he can only get the hot lunch and NOT pick from other choices. Take money and access to bank accounts away (as a minor you have that right), also if he has a car take it away - not just the keys, go and take some parts out of it also. Removing the spark plug wires is usually easy but you MUST remember the order they are hooked up in. You have no way of knowing if he has made an extra key in case you take his or not, so this will keep him from going anywhere. Lock up the tv, computer and ALL video games, his music, his IPOD, simply everything that is not his mattress, a blanket and a pillow, and the stuff I listed earlier. It sounds, and is, harsh. But if he wants the benefits of living in a home with a loving family, nice things, good food, etc... he can earn it the way the rest of us have to earn things. There are NO FREE RIDES. I would only take this stuff away at this point for major things like refusing a drug test. I would let him know that as the doctor says, there is a price to be paid for having a nice life. His behavior is NOT meeting this price so he may lose ANYTHING unless he starts cooperating in therapy and/or in school. It is harsh, but so is his behavior. How far is he going to get with college or a job with this behavior? He likely does not realize that at age 18 you do NOT have to give him another dime, much less let him live with you. He could get loans for college, but unless he is willing to perform he will be kicked out after the first or second semester. He would also likely still have to have a job, which means full time school PLUS work just to survive. Otherwise any job he gets will be low paying, boring, and he will likely hate it. If he shuts down and refuses to speak to customers or his coworkers or boss he won't last a week in the job. His PA behavior is NOT something he can get through life on and it is high time he learns it. Better he learns this NOW than after the world kicks him around. You cannot force him to learn this, all you can do is to make his life as realistic as possible. Reality is that he won't have a happy life with these behaviors, and if he cannot take responsibility for anything he will never achieve anything. The doctor is right about giving him questions that take responsibility away from him. He will NOT take responsiblity unless he has to, and it will hurt him in life. A group home or wilderness program or long psychiatric hospital stay may help him. The problem is going to be finding this. It may be incredibly expensive depending on what your insurance will pay. You also must find the right program, as not every program is for every child's problems. It hurts to have them have to go somewhere, but if it will give them the best chance at a good adult life then it is worth it. Check your insurance coverage to see what they will and will not pay for. Some parents have taken second mortgages. At one point I had the cops take my son. He was determined to beat me if I did anything that upset him. Saying "Hi, how was your day?" was an "offense" in his eyes and he learned that I flat out REFUSE to be battered by anyone. I won't set that example for my other kids and I won't let my son be in a position where he might kill someone as the guilt from that would likely result in his suicide. He was taken to the local Youth Shelter, which he LOVED because they had computers and video games. He got tossed out of there because the rules were no physical contact and he thought those were for other people not him. He ended up at my parents and after a total of 3 court appearances where somehow the paperwork needed to press charges was never there (the judge did NOT want to deal with this, and he kept telling the officer to find the paperwork in court and behind the scenes he told the officer NOT to do any paperwork so we would maybe be forced to solve it ourselves. That judge was NOT re-elected 2 yrs ago because he did this a LOT and was the only family court judge for our area.) anyway, my dad begged to have a shot with Wiz rather than to have him keep wondering every day if today was the day he would have to leave with no notice. I gave in and let Wiz stay with them and somehow Wiz turned things around. It was LONG and painful and awful. My relationship with my parents will never really recover from it either. Anyway, you are at a crucial point. At his age you can, but should not, go much longer with-o a drug screen. Drugs are just too easy to get, esp in high schools. Then you will have info to help you figure out what to do next. I like your therapist's approach. Listen to him. Also read "Parenting Your Teen With Love and Logic" as soon as you can. I think you will find it both enlightening and empowering. Of course don't disappear from here - we are a great resource because so many people just do not really understand what you are going through. (((((hugs))))) [/QUOTE]
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