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Beating with A Different Stick
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<blockquote data-quote="recoveringenabler" data-source="post: 608982" data-attributes="member: 13542"><p>OK, Dancerat, great job! </p><p></p><p>Well, what I learned as a result of living in this upside down world is that I had to plug up every single possible loophole, make it absolutely clear what the rules and consequences are. Every single infraction has to be dealt with immediately and with consequences. Generally, they are masters at manipulation. Like you or I were educated and received a degree, they get their degree in '<em>how to get over on everybody so I always get what I want, no matter what.'</em></p><p><em></em></p><p>I had to get really good at this game. I am not normally a suspicious person who thinks about what others are doing, but I got very good at stating clearly what I would and would not put up with, what I expected. </p><p></p><p>Sneaking his girlfriend in is remarkable to you, but to him, it's simply what he wants, therefore subject to bending whatever rules you set forth. So, keep on giving strict and unbreakable rules which cannot be negotiated. There is no wiggle room. There are no grey areas. There is no middle ground. Not with difficult child's. It's all black and white, to the degree that you get good at that and make it clear, you will have your life back and he will or he won't abide by your rules.</p><p></p><p>My daughter left after a short time saying she couldn't possibly live with "all the rules." At that point she actually preferred not knowing where she would land rather then have her own comfortable room with all her needs met. Our rules were minimal, simple courtesy and respect. Not possible.</p><p></p><p>You continue to make great choices and do what I consider to be all the appropriate detachment choices. I like the car restrictions and the door off the hinges. He proved he cannot be trusted, so those are the consequences. And, you're right, he doesn't pay insurance, he makes no payments, it IS your car. He has no idea yet just how entitled he has been, but I think he is about to learn.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="recoveringenabler, post: 608982, member: 13542"] OK, Dancerat, great job! Well, what I learned as a result of living in this upside down world is that I had to plug up every single possible loophole, make it absolutely clear what the rules and consequences are. Every single infraction has to be dealt with immediately and with consequences. Generally, they are masters at manipulation. Like you or I were educated and received a degree, they get their degree in '[I]how to get over on everybody so I always get what I want, no matter what.' [/I] I had to get really good at this game. I am not normally a suspicious person who thinks about what others are doing, but I got very good at stating clearly what I would and would not put up with, what I expected. Sneaking his girlfriend in is remarkable to you, but to him, it's simply what he wants, therefore subject to bending whatever rules you set forth. So, keep on giving strict and unbreakable rules which cannot be negotiated. There is no wiggle room. There are no grey areas. There is no middle ground. Not with difficult child's. It's all black and white, to the degree that you get good at that and make it clear, you will have your life back and he will or he won't abide by your rules. My daughter left after a short time saying she couldn't possibly live with "all the rules." At that point she actually preferred not knowing where she would land rather then have her own comfortable room with all her needs met. Our rules were minimal, simple courtesy and respect. Not possible. You continue to make great choices and do what I consider to be all the appropriate detachment choices. I like the car restrictions and the door off the hinges. He proved he cannot be trusted, so those are the consequences. And, you're right, he doesn't pay insurance, he makes no payments, it IS your car. He has no idea yet just how entitled he has been, but I think he is about to learn. [/QUOTE]
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