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<blockquote data-quote="susiestar" data-source="post: 291291" data-attributes="member: 1233"><p>I am sorry things are so rough. I know it has been a long haul to get to this point, but he is still just 11. I swear that my boys got more mature until about age 9 and then they went backward in maturity until about age 14. It was really not fun. In time he may well meet those independence goals. But getting to that point probably won't be as much fun as you thought parenting would be before you had kids.</p><p></p><p>Terry gave awesome advice. I suggest going to <a href="http://www.loveandlogic.com" target="_blank">www.loveandlogic.com</a> and reading/listening to the info there. Even the stuff designed for teachers, go through it all. After you have some idea what it is about, check out the various books and see if the regular parenting with L&L or the special needs parenting, or another books fits your needs. I think hubbys respond well to this, maybe because it stresses logic? One of the things I like most about it is that it tells you to not give an immediate consequence. It is OK to let the child wonder what the punishment will be until you have decided how you want to handle it. Traditional parenting (and dog training, for that matter) tells you that you have to punish immediately or the child will not know what the punishment is for. I always thought this was nonsense. Now I know it is - and my kids say that the waiting time is so nerve-wracking that it often is a deterrent - even more than the consequence given is. (I told you that our moms had the right idea with the "wait until your father gets home" routine!)</p><p></p><p>As for family who berates you because of your parenting? Refuse to discuss it with them. If they come at you because your child is hurting someone or damaging property, then you need to make difficult child stop, of course. But if it is for other stuff, either leave or hang up the phone or just tell them that this is not a topic that is open for discussion. Let them know that if it happens again you will not spend time with them for a while until they learn more about what you are working to accomplish. Family should either jump on the bandwagon and help or get out of the way. If they are not supporting you it is really OK to limit contact with them to infrequent short periods of time. </p><p></p><p>Always trust your instincts. Always. You have them for a reason. You spend more time with your kids than anyone else does (you and hubby). You, personally, carried difficult child under your heart for months before anyone else even knew him (If he was adopted you carried him IN your heart for those long months before you were able to bring him home.). </p><p></p><p>The experts have spent very limited amounts of time with him. Would you take your Ferrari to the mechanic who works solely on Ferraris? Or to the Ford dealership where the mechanic hasn't even SEEN a Ferrari? Isn't difficult child far more precious than any car ever built? It is important to have him taken in for medical/mental health care, but you have to remember that YOU are the expert in your child. The "experts" are expert in fields of study. </p><p></p><p>Would it be possible to add info to your sig about the gender of each child and what, if any, medications difficult child is taking? It helps us keep everything straight in our overloaded brains, Know what I mean?? Thanks.</p><p></p><p>Hugs to the whole family.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="susiestar, post: 291291, member: 1233"] I am sorry things are so rough. I know it has been a long haul to get to this point, but he is still just 11. I swear that my boys got more mature until about age 9 and then they went backward in maturity until about age 14. It was really not fun. In time he may well meet those independence goals. But getting to that point probably won't be as much fun as you thought parenting would be before you had kids. Terry gave awesome advice. I suggest going to [url]www.loveandlogic.com[/url] and reading/listening to the info there. Even the stuff designed for teachers, go through it all. After you have some idea what it is about, check out the various books and see if the regular parenting with L&L or the special needs parenting, or another books fits your needs. I think hubbys respond well to this, maybe because it stresses logic? One of the things I like most about it is that it tells you to not give an immediate consequence. It is OK to let the child wonder what the punishment will be until you have decided how you want to handle it. Traditional parenting (and dog training, for that matter) tells you that you have to punish immediately or the child will not know what the punishment is for. I always thought this was nonsense. Now I know it is - and my kids say that the waiting time is so nerve-wracking that it often is a deterrent - even more than the consequence given is. (I told you that our moms had the right idea with the "wait until your father gets home" routine!) As for family who berates you because of your parenting? Refuse to discuss it with them. If they come at you because your child is hurting someone or damaging property, then you need to make difficult child stop, of course. But if it is for other stuff, either leave or hang up the phone or just tell them that this is not a topic that is open for discussion. Let them know that if it happens again you will not spend time with them for a while until they learn more about what you are working to accomplish. Family should either jump on the bandwagon and help or get out of the way. If they are not supporting you it is really OK to limit contact with them to infrequent short periods of time. Always trust your instincts. Always. You have them for a reason. You spend more time with your kids than anyone else does (you and hubby). You, personally, carried difficult child under your heart for months before anyone else even knew him (If he was adopted you carried him IN your heart for those long months before you were able to bring him home.). The experts have spent very limited amounts of time with him. Would you take your Ferrari to the mechanic who works solely on Ferraris? Or to the Ford dealership where the mechanic hasn't even SEEN a Ferrari? Isn't difficult child far more precious than any car ever built? It is important to have him taken in for medical/mental health care, but you have to remember that YOU are the expert in your child. The "experts" are expert in fields of study. Would it be possible to add info to your sig about the gender of each child and what, if any, medications difficult child is taking? It helps us keep everything straight in our overloaded brains, Know what I mean?? Thanks. Hugs to the whole family. [/QUOTE]
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