Behavoiral problems only at home?

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by PlainJane, Jan 2, 2012.

  1. PlainJane

    PlainJane Every dog has his day....

    difficult child only has negative behavoir issues at home. All the social deficits and "quirkiness" is apparent in school. He was classified and started the public preschool program here. But the explosive, aggressive behavoir does not take place at school. (Even at generic preschools in the past) difficult child is 4 years old.
    He is only in school 3 hours a day, and he is kept mentally occupied, and I expect that when school becomes a full day, and not so "fun", as he gets older, that his behavoir may spill over? Although I've heard of kids that never display the really bad behavoir in school, ever.

    Just wondering if anyone else has this issue?
  2. InsaneCdn

    InsaneCdn Well-Known Member


    My observation?
    This is COMMON for difficult children.

    There's multiple reasons for it - depending on the difficult child.
    Anything from the highly-manipulative "gotta preserve my public image" type...
    ... to what our family has dealt with... exhaustion.
    difficult child can just barely keep it together for school. For years, by the time difficult child gets home... BOOM.
    WE got it all.
    So, the schools, and the tdocs, said "it must be something at home, then". *** watch out for this one - because it is NOT about "home" ***

    A kid needs to be able to go to school, do what has to get done, behave appropriately - and still have enough left at the end of the day to enjoy some semblance of a "normal" evening - even if the evening ends early. Should be able to do a chore after school, maybe help with supper (at his age, set the table?), play nice, enjoy supper... NOT necessarily able for after-school sports and all sorts of extracurriculars... but just "ordinary living". Can't get that far? Its "overload" at school... sensory, mental, emotional, neuromotor, physical, whatever other forms of fatigue you can come up with.
  3. buddy

    buddy New Member

    I agree with IC . I had to click on your name to figure out what was up with difficult I remember, sorry. If you make a signature we can follow a little bit easer, but I know time is short so just if you have time to do it...

    Many Autism Spectrum Disorders (ASD) kids do great with the very predictable nature of school. Especially if he is in a class with a program specifically designed to work on Autism Spectrum Disorders (ASD) issues.

    I heard this all the time as a teacher too.

    I WISH my son would only have meltdowns at home, lol.
  4. Ktllc

    Ktllc New Member

    Very typical!
    V NEVER had a tantrum at school (and his preschool is less than perfect for him). But he displays abnormal behaviors (to who wants to take the time to notice): withdraw, spaces out, don't take part of the activities, etc...
    The reasons are never the same from one kid to another, but it is common.
    I too worry about what "real" school will be like, when the expectations are higher... V will start Kindergarten next year.
  5. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    It's VERY common. However, if the condition worsens, it can then morph into a problem at home AND at school. So keep him in interventions and he should be good :) What is his diagnosis? Is he receiving treatment?
  6. PlainJane

    PlainJane Every dog has his day....

    I did a signature, and if I did it right its at the bottom, full of spelling errors though! lol I kept meaning to do one, but I'd come on here, like a cowboy riding into town for only a few days, then I was gone for months. Why, I don't know. I guess I kept (am still) hoping difficult child will out grow this. I'm plagued with a very quiet form of denial. But with difficult child getting officially classified, and starting public school, even though its preschool, I guess I'm starting to see he's not going to snap out of it one day. Thank you all for your support, despite me being MIA on and off.
  7. PlainJane

    PlainJane Every dog has his day....

    :dance:Siggy worked! Official diagnoses is Autism Spectrum Disorders (ASD). But our conservative doctor says there will likely be more, but she wants to wait until he gets older, since the Autism Spectrum Disorders (ASD) diagnoses is enough to get the services he needs right now.
  8. buddy

    buddy New Member

    Who cares about spelling...sometimes it makes things interesting. I think we all go thru that wanting it just to be fixed and hope it is just a "delay" and they will catch up. Seeing those things in writing can really cause some heart ache. For now dont worry about the form of autism.... it tends to evolve over time. Just look where he is and build on his strengths, and help fill in the gaps. Some of it is adjusting to the Autism Spectrum Disorders (ASD) way of life... needing pretty consistent routine (very consistent for some) and support in social situations etc. he is still your sweet boy, you just have more information than most on how he learns and thinks.

    Thanks for the sig. I just wanted to make sure I remembered right. You are a busy mom wiht two little ones.... Hope you can come back often!
  9. PlainJane

    PlainJane Every dog has his day....

    Thank you buddy! I was working until recently, so time was tight. But I'm home full time now, so more time. :) I'll be around
  10. InsaneCdn

    InsaneCdn Well-Known Member

    Actually, the Autism Spectrum Disorders (ASD) diagnosis "includes" the others - I don't know about all of them, but I know that many dxes are stand-alone "if pervasive disorders are ruled out"... i.e. can't be ADHD and Autism Spectrum Disorders (ASD)... as far as official dxes go.

    Having said that... Autism Spectrum Disorders (ASD) is a pretty broad spectrum... so, sometimes the other tags are given to provide more guidance for schools etc. - they know what to expect with Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD) or ADHD... (well, sometimes they do!)
  11. StressedM0mma

    StressedM0mma Active Member

    My difficult child has until very recently held it together at school, and then "unleashed" at home. I had a therapist as well as a very wise teacher tell me it is because she feels safe at home. difficult child can let her emotions out without care at home because we will love her no matter what. My difficult child has also let her guard down around my mom, but those are the only people who have seen the "real" difficult child.
  12. tiredmommy

    tiredmommy Site Moderator

    My difficult child tends to have difficulty when she gets home too if she's in a "difficult child phase". As a matter of fact, that's usually my first clue that's she's slipping. In our case, Duckie has severe allergies and asthma; both these disrupt sleep. She also has sensory integration disorder and tends to get overwhelmed and overstimulated easily. Sometimes, a day at school just makes her crazy! But she soldiers on and falls apart when she gets home.
  13. Bunny

    Bunny Guest

    That is my difficult child to a T!!!! I was talking to one of his teachers recently and I was explaining to him that I had to pick and choose my battles very carefully with difficult child because there was potential battle around every corner with him. I told him that the nice, quiet, polite, always prepared, always raises his hand in class before speaking child that sits in his class every day is the exact same child that threatened to beat the you know what out of me with a hockey stick. His reply was, "I don't even know how to respond to that." He's so good in school that they can't even imagine that he would behave that way at home.

    I know how you feel and it's very frustrating. I've been told it's because home is his "soft place to land" (I am REALLY beginning to hate that phrase). I've been told that it's because he does not want to the other kids in school or his teachers to see him melting down because they will think differently of him. I think that at this age it is, in part, a choice this point. Honestly, for all I know it could be a combination of all three.

    Hang in there. It's tough to deal with, but it can be dealt with.
  14. Malika

    Malika Well-Known Member

    Well, add my name (or J's, anyway) to the list of "better at school" difficult children. I really can't say for sure why this is but I think routine and structure suit him and I also think he is, even at his tender age, very sensitive to and conscious of what others think about him. He would never be rude or aggressive with his teacher the way he is with me. I think he knows that some things you have to conform to but I am not in his list of those...
  15. buddy

    buddy New Member

    LOL..... I am so jealous! Well, on the other hand, no one EVER doubts I have issues at home, haha
  16. Bunny

    Bunny Guest

    I think that structure has ALOT to do with it. Especially once they hit middle school they know exactly what to expect every single day. They sit in class for 43 minutes. The bell rings and they have 4 minutes to get to the next class. Then it starts again. 43 minutes. Bell. 4 minutes. I know that structure is good for them, but it's impossible to create that kind of structure at home. At least I think it is.
  17. InsaneCdn

    InsaneCdn Well-Known Member

    Maybe we can't get quite that clock-punch accurate at home - but if the problems "at home" are severe enough, you do whatever you have to do, to create the structure that enables ALL of you to survive. And no, you won't be understood by friends or family - or generally supported in doing this. But when it works... its like another medication!
  18. DaisyFace

    DaisyFace Love me...Love me not


    My response is going to be a bit different from the others...

    I, too, thought I had a difficult child that was holding it together at school and was only a problem at home. After all, that's what the teachers were reporting...

    Turned out that a lot of the behaviors WERE happening at school...just not when and where the teachers were monitoring. BUS was a problem. LUNCH was a problem. RECESS was a problem. And other things the teachers were quick to dismiss - Oh yes, she pushed Johnny but then they went right back to gym class without a problem.

    So I think that your child probably is NOT an angel during the day....and he is probably difusing his frustrations here and there throughout his day as the opportunity arises...

    But at home, you are far more attuned to his behaviors...

    Plus, a home is a far different environment than a classroom, or a school bus or a crowded playground - and his behaviors "stand out" more at home.

    So don't feel too badly...

    It's not you.
  19. Malika

    Malika Well-Known Member

    I think that's very probably right, Daisy Face. I think it's all relative and that our kids ARE having more problems in school than meets the eye or is being directly reported back. But in my case, I guess I am just talking about the crude yardstick by which at home my son is getting physically and verbally aggressive with me on occasion in a way he does not at school.