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bio dad & difficult child guilt
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<blockquote data-quote="mstang67chic" data-source="post: 168412" data-attributes="member: 2459"><p>I had to deal with stuff like that as a kid and as I was a easy child I can't imagine dealing with it as a difficult child. With that said though, here is my message to Matt:</p><p></p><p>Matt, </p><p></p><p>It "opposite of blows" but as much as you may love or care about him, you wound up with a dad who probably shouldn't be a dad. Dad's are men who act mature, responsible and who keep their promises. Mine didn't do much of that when I was a kid and it hasn't changed too much over the years. My mom and him divorced when I was 4, mom remarried when I was 6 and he adopted me but I still saw my bio dad. Kind of. He would promise me the moon and stars but very rarely deliver. "Hey hon, I'll come get you and we'll go camping this weekend!" pfffft. Never showed. Stuff like that and more. In my case, I didn't see him regularly until he started dating the woman who is now my step-mom. She came from a "good" family and I think he wanted to show them what a good dad he was. </p><p></p><p>It took me years but I finally understood something. It wasn't anything to do with me at all. I wasn't a bad kid or rotten daughter....he just didn't (for whatever reason) have the committment in him to be a dad. Even to this day (and I'm almost 38 years old), he'll tell me if we need anything, just call. The few times I have, I shouldn't have wasted my time. He has an excuse for EVERYTHING. Does it still hurt? Sure. But at the same time, I've realized that it's not me. <strong>It's him.</strong> He's the "fun" guy who's great when things are going well. If things don't go his way though, he throws a fit. He also has 3 more kids by my step-mom and as long as they act the way or do the things he thinks they should, he's great. Step out of that zone though and they are horrible, rotten kids and he doesn't know where he went wrong to deserve such treatment. Yeah, they are teenagers (14, 17 and 20) and by no means are they perfect. But they are still good kids who act like kids do. </p><p></p><p>My grandma gave me a letter once. Dad had written it sometime after the divorce and grandma had kept it to give to me when I was older. After reading it, I could see that she was trying to show me that Dad really does love me (and I know he does.....in his own way) but something jumped out at me when I read it. Almost every single sentence in that letter started with the word "I". <strong><span style="font-size: 18px">I</span></strong> want to do this, <strong><span style="font-size: 18px">I</span></strong> want for this to happen. No where in there did he express concern about what was best for me as his child or what I may want. </p><p></p><p>When your dad says "Hey, I'll be over at such and such time so we can go do something".... say Great Dad! and then make other plans. If he shows........great.....bonus! If not, you didn't bank your whole day on something that may not happen. Does that type of thing make the hurt any less? No. Can't lie to you there, but it does help. Once you realize that he's a grown adult who can't live up to his promises and it has NOTHING to do with you.....it does make a difference. He's your dad, it will always hurt if he doesn't come through. Nothing can change that. But by accepting that he's also human and has limitations, it makes it easier. I know you have absolutely no idea who I am and probably dont' give a rat's patootie but trust me....I know what I'm talking about here. You know inside who you can really count on. It may be different than who you WANT to count on, but still, you know who's really there for you. Depend on THEM. Anything more is a bonus.</p><p></p><p>mstang67chic</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="mstang67chic, post: 168412, member: 2459"] I had to deal with stuff like that as a kid and as I was a easy child I can't imagine dealing with it as a difficult child. With that said though, here is my message to Matt: Matt, It "opposite of blows" but as much as you may love or care about him, you wound up with a dad who probably shouldn't be a dad. Dad's are men who act mature, responsible and who keep their promises. Mine didn't do much of that when I was a kid and it hasn't changed too much over the years. My mom and him divorced when I was 4, mom remarried when I was 6 and he adopted me but I still saw my bio dad. Kind of. He would promise me the moon and stars but very rarely deliver. "Hey hon, I'll come get you and we'll go camping this weekend!" pfffft. Never showed. Stuff like that and more. In my case, I didn't see him regularly until he started dating the woman who is now my step-mom. She came from a "good" family and I think he wanted to show them what a good dad he was. It took me years but I finally understood something. It wasn't anything to do with me at all. I wasn't a bad kid or rotten daughter....he just didn't (for whatever reason) have the committment in him to be a dad. Even to this day (and I'm almost 38 years old), he'll tell me if we need anything, just call. The few times I have, I shouldn't have wasted my time. He has an excuse for EVERYTHING. Does it still hurt? Sure. But at the same time, I've realized that it's not me. [B]It's him.[/B] He's the "fun" guy who's great when things are going well. If things don't go his way though, he throws a fit. He also has 3 more kids by my step-mom and as long as they act the way or do the things he thinks they should, he's great. Step out of that zone though and they are horrible, rotten kids and he doesn't know where he went wrong to deserve such treatment. Yeah, they are teenagers (14, 17 and 20) and by no means are they perfect. But they are still good kids who act like kids do. My grandma gave me a letter once. Dad had written it sometime after the divorce and grandma had kept it to give to me when I was older. After reading it, I could see that she was trying to show me that Dad really does love me (and I know he does.....in his own way) but something jumped out at me when I read it. Almost every single sentence in that letter started with the word "I". [B][SIZE="5"]I[/SIZE][/B] want to do this, [B][SIZE="5"]I[/SIZE][/B] want for this to happen. No where in there did he express concern about what was best for me as his child or what I may want. When your dad says "Hey, I'll be over at such and such time so we can go do something".... say Great Dad! and then make other plans. If he shows........great.....bonus! If not, you didn't bank your whole day on something that may not happen. Does that type of thing make the hurt any less? No. Can't lie to you there, but it does help. Once you realize that he's a grown adult who can't live up to his promises and it has NOTHING to do with you.....it does make a difference. He's your dad, it will always hurt if he doesn't come through. Nothing can change that. But by accepting that he's also human and has limitations, it makes it easier. I know you have absolutely no idea who I am and probably dont' give a rat's patootie but trust me....I know what I'm talking about here. You know inside who you can really count on. It may be different than who you WANT to count on, but still, you know who's really there for you. Depend on THEM. Anything more is a bonus. mstang67chic [/QUOTE]
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