Blame

[TeDo]

Does anyone else have a difficult child that blames everything on YOU? Do you get tired of it? How do you teach them that the consequences are caused by THEIR actions?

Today, difficult child 1 took a break between subjects (remember they do school from home). difficult child 2 starts right away when he gets up and works straight through until he's done. When difficult child 2 is done for the day, he gets to go do things. difficult child 1 complained today that difficult child 2 always gets to do things. I reminded him that difficult child 2 starts right away and doesn't stop and that he (difficult child 1) takes frequent breaks so he's not going to get done as soon as difficult child 2 does. His response was, "well, if you'd make me keep going". Ummm.....Yea....like I haven't tried that a million times.

Tonight, he ate his supper in the living room so he could catch the end of the show he was watching. Not a problem. When the show was over, he comes traipsing into the kitchen. I asked him if he'd brought his bowl with him. His response was "now I have to go aaaaallllll the way back in there because of you". UGH

I get so tired of hearing that. I can't win no matter what I do (or don't do).

 

[Star*]

You ASK too much.

You need to TELL more.

I asked him if he'd brought his bowl. NOPE......

Your bowl needs to be in the kitchen in the next four minutes if you want ice cream for dessert. And if you don't want dessert that's fine, but if you don't bring me your bowl? - you can get ready for bed NOW.

YOU are the Mom - HE is the kid. He's going to whine - HE's going to complain. But the more you ask - the more he can answer. THe more you TELL him and be the authority figure - the less it's going to happen - he's just eventually going to KNOW......YOU are MOM...and this is the way it is. PERIOD.

It's like those women that talk to their toddlers and say "I need you to BLA BLAH BLAH.....okay?" OH it infuriates me. WHAT IS WITH THE OKAY????? SHe is the parent. HE is the child. WHY ask him if what you said was OKAY? UGH! SAY IT, MEAN it, OWN IT - have the kid DO it - and if they don't KNOW what your punishment is and levy it. THen carry it out and stick to it. THEY WILL WAIT YOU OUT ON THESE THINGS - well into the wee hours......ITS A TEST OF WILLS.

YOU CAN WIN -------YOu just have to know how to effectively communicate.....

Get that book I'm always blabbering about -
How to speak to your kids so they will listen and how to listen to your kids so they will speak. THere's one for teens too.

It's a good start.

Hugs

 

[Hound dog]

Yup. If you honestly want a kid to do something, you tell not ask. That is not to say I never asked my kids to do stuff, but that was usually above and beyond type stuff.

Kids are gonna blame you, especially difficult children, it's just the nature of the beast. You just don't let them lay it at your feet and walk away. Oh, no. Like with the bowl comment........I'd have shot back with a super over the top dramatic scene dripping with sarcasm about the agony of having to walk several feet to fetch a bowl he should've brought with him in the first place and how it's gonna just kill him to do it now. That usually got the point across fast. lol And wound up in them laughing at me, then themselves.

Yeah, it gets old. But it's just part of childhood. PCs just don't do it as much or where you can hear it. lol

 

[DammitJanet]

I saw a scene yesterday in Walmart that made a huge impression on me.

As we started toward the registers we could hear this toddler throwing one heck of a fit. Screaming, crying, just throwing down. Billy and I looked at each other and I said "Oh someone is very unhappy!" When we actually got up to the register we could see what was going on, it was a woman in one of those hoveround scooters with a little girl who looked around age three just throwing down a fit. The woman obviously couldnt chase the toddler anywhere because she stuck in the chair. The woman had the little girl by the hand but the way the little girl was throwing down they couldnt move anywhere because she was flopping down in front of the scooter. Several people did stop to offer help but the woman assured them she could handle it. I was amazed with how she did. She never let go of the little girl, nor did she give in to her demands. She just calmly talked to her and told her she wasnt getting her way and she had to pull herself together so they could leave the store. Within about 10 minutes the show was over and they left with the child walking beside the woman. Im convinced if that woman gave in, those fits would happen every time she went into a store. That had to be extremely hard. bravo.

 

[DaisyFace]

TeDo--

(((hugs)))

Yeah, it's hard to be the Mom...we're ALWAYS the one's who mess it up for our kids.

Bowl in the living room? Easy fix. "Well, if you can't remember to bring your bowl back to the kitchen, there will be no more eating in the living room..." - that one ALWAYS makes my kids run. Why? Because they know I mean it. I've long since stopped caring whether I'm the "mean Mom".

And YOU need to act like YOU don't care, either...

it will make you feel better and it will drive your difficult child nuts!

 

[busywend]

Yes! I actually started to believe her when she told me I said or did something - that made the scenario my fault. But, they are just good manipulators.

You just have to turn it into - 'yeah, I live to make your life miserable.' and let it be. Get creative and funny about it. I stayed up all night to figure out how to make you mad today. Things like that.

 

[buddy]

TeDo, I suspect whether you asked or told him to bring his bowl in he would still complain that you made him have to wall all of the thousand miles back to the living room to get it. As we were saying last night, our two just do not fully get cause and effect sometimes and other times it is just the blame mom for everything syndrome. Times like that are not the times to debate it or even feel it. He is really saying: I dont wanna!

When the bigger times happen, like when he ends up having a huge consequence or brother gets a privelege he does not get... at a calm time (like the other times you have discussed that work well for him) you can sit and explain it in a way he processes well. Time lines work well for us... using the first/then approach....

first this happened then this...
then this, then this...etc.... to show the connection chain. Then he can re-write it to make it turn out the way he wants it to be. In the end if he goes off the chain, you can ask him where things derailed.

I get truly sick of it too. But I know it is his automatic blurting, not coping well, impatience, all about him, not connecting the dots....... Just needs so much coaching. After taking him home yesterday, Q told me it was my fault for showing up. Oh really???? HMMM lets start this one from he beginning...

He filled in the blanks well and I told him that part of growing up was realizing when he made a mistake and taking responsiblity. He wants more independence and chances to do things, then he needs to work on his reactions and being willing to let people help him if he is having a hard time figuring it all out. Easier said than done, lol...

I think you know it is NOT your fault, you just get tired of it right? Some we have to accept (let it roll off our backs) and some we can coach them through. Just MHO, smile!

 

[flutterby]

Yes, everything is my fault and it doesn't matter if I have ever caved on anything in my daughter's life or not. I've also gotten the "you should have made me". I could "make her", I could force the issue, I could compromise, I could peel off skin - it wouldn't matter.

The "making them" stuff works for easy child's. I have one of those, too, so I can attest to that. difficult child's are a different story, as you know.

I feel bad that you posted this and you are receiving responses that imply that you are somehow at fault. I know what it's like. If my daughter had been that 3 year old child? We could have been there for hours. Not kidding. You just can't win and you have to stop trying. I gave up trying to "out stubborn" my daughter. Ignore the baiting, or respond differently. My daughter finally got tired of hearing me say that it must really suck to have such a mean mom. At least, I don't find myself saying it nearly as often.

 

[klmno]

My son does this so much from very minor things to big, major issues, that it's hard for me to tell sometimes when it's intentional because he's just angry or when he really thinks something is my fault. He's getting ready to turn 17 so I'm more than ready for this phase to pass. LOL!

 

[DaisyFace]

Yes, everything is my fault and it doesn't matter if I have ever caved on anything in my daughter's life or not. I've also gotten the "you should have made me". I could "make her", I could force the issue, I could compromise, I could peel off skin - it wouldn't matter.

The "making them" stuff works for easy child's. I have one of those, too, so I can attest to that. difficult child's are a different story, as you know.

Definitely! And as much as we want to let our kids learn from "natural consequences"....many times there just isn't a good "natural consequence" for a difficult child when you need one! And if there isn't an issue that your difficult child cares about? Then it won't matter WHAT you say (or don't say) or do (or don't do)...

 

[pepperidge]

I hear you. I have one child who when he gets angry and nasty after being asked/told something reasonable, then tells me it is my fault that he gets angry. The logic such as it is is so depressing.

I think perhaps that these kids have so little self insight or something. I don't think that it is a matter of giving in or not giving in. To me, it is almost like what I imagine domestic violence is like--it is your fault, you are ugly or stupid or whatever, that's why I am angry, hit you etc etc etc. I am not sure what it is --extreme self centeredness or what. Someone have any insights?

 

[InsaneCdn]

Does anyone else have a difficult child that blames everything on YOU? Do you get tired of it? How do you teach them that the consequences are caused by THEIR actions?

Yes. not so much lately...
Absolutely.
Well... you don't.

Did you just say "huh?" Ya. I know.

In our experience... you don't solve it with consequences.

Insecure attachment generates all sorts of symptoms. This is one of them.
And yes - their behavior works against trust and relationship building...
But... unless and until there is a relatively secure and healthy attachment (not extreme either way...) I don't believe you will make much progress on the "blame game".

Now... minor caveat.
IF consequences work... then you're NOT dealing with an attachment issue.
But... if consequences were working, this thread would not have been started.

Just my opinion (perhaps off the wall like usual)

 

[susiestar]

I totally agree that it is best to tell not to ask. Asking is fine IF you are fine with whatever the child chooses. I usually give 2-3 choices that I am fine iwth - Do you want mashed potatoes or rice iwth dinner? But when I want something done and am not okay with it not being done, I tell the child.

We are parents. We are responsible for everything in a kid's eyes. The trick is to not start to believe it. I don't CARE if my kids blame me for stuff. Yes, it IS all my fault you have to walk the thousand miles back to the living room to get your bowl because I let you eat in there. As it is SUCH a HUGE chore to bring the bowl to the kitchen, you will have to eat in the kitchen from now on. I am glad you let me know that it is just too much to ask of you to walk that tremendous distance, now I know that you can't handle eating there, so you can eat in the kitchen.

That results in the child still not being happy but not giving me static about bringing the bowl to the kitchen - AND swearing that it isn't a big deal and they can eat in the living room and bring their dish back, no problem.

I just figured for the most part the kids would blame me when they were not happy. As I have zero intention of being their friend, mostly I don't care. They have lots of friends but they will only ever have one mom.

I do find that using logical, natural consequences and ignoring the blame they put on me works quite well. When they go overboard with blame they are reminded that I didn't choose to do whatever so I am not to blame.

If the blame or complaints about rules goes to far or annoys me, I take a page out of my father's parenting handbook. They get to do whatever it is over and over until it is no longer such a big deal. Complain about walking back to get your dish and take it to the kitchen? You can spend the next five minutes walking back and forth.

My dad hammered this type of thing home when mom went to grad school at night. If we had ANY complaints about what he cooked we got seconds - unless it was clearly to get those seconds - you know, like complaining about the ice cream so that we could have more. there is NOTHING guaranteed to make a kid not complain about the food like haing to eat seconds of my dad's "mustard glop". No joke, that was what he called it. I know it had ground beef, mustard (the yellow stuff in the jar) and sometimes jalapenos or just the juice from the jalapeno jar. Or pickles. Or both. It truly was one of the most hideous things I have ever seen on a plate, much less had to choke down. It was so bad that the dog wouldn't touch it - she would cry if she even SMELLED it!

If you haven't read Parenting with Love and Logic, get a copy. It will help with this type of thing a LOT.

As for the complaints that he doesn't get to do things that his brother does? Those will always be there. My dad would have given me another assignment or section in a workbook or whatever if I had done that. You don't have to do it often to learn to not complain.

 

[TeDo]

From what a lot of you are saying, I guess I used the wrong scenario as an example. As for the whole bowl thing, I was in a room off the kitchen and couldn't see him but could hear him walking that direction so I was just asking if he had it. I had no idea if he did or didn't. That's why I asked.

As it is SUCH a HUGE chore to bring the bowl to the kitchen, you will have to eat in the kitchen from now on. I am glad you let me know that it is just too much to ask of you to walk that tremendous distance, now I know that you can't handle eating there, so you can eat in the kitchen.

What susiestar said IS how I would have handled the situation IF I had known he didn't have the bowl in his hand but I had no clue if he did or didn't. I DO give directions as statements and both difficult children know they are expected to follow my directions and they also know that I follow through with consequences. Those are never the issue. The issue is that everything is somehow always "twisted" in such a way that everything is my fault and he is always the innocent.

It is funny how the intended focus of my examples was difficult child 1's responses but most people that responded put the focus on what I did to "cause" the response. Thank you Flutterby for noticing what I was feeling. And yes, Buddy, it wouldn't have mattered in this case or any other, how it was phrased to difficult child 1. The response is ALWAYS the same and THAT was the intended purpose of the thread.

 

[Malika]

It is funny how the intended focus of my examples was difficult child 1's responses but most people that responded put the focus on what I did to "cause" the response.

Well, TeDo, it is because you are of course TO BLAME

 

[exhausted]

I get it. It has been a sore spot for years. No matter how I think through it. Just plain hurts! And it doesn't matter what you do and how you guard your heart (as most of us have learned to do being super parents). I have been the blame for everything. I am the one who seeks help, sets boundaries, consequences, takes 'em to the doctor, communicates with school, cleans, does most of the cooking, listening, loving, transporting, rewarding, researching etc. I am the problem because I am available! ( I also am not going away and difficult child knows it-easy target)

I have had dreams (recently and in the past), of leaving it all. Letting them all just stew in their own juices and try to figure it out. Trouble is, they would call in a missing person's report and I'd have to go back! Better not to know what peace feels like. Ha! (((Hugs))) super mom! (dont forget that ever)

 

[InsaneCdn]

It is funny how the intended focus of my examples was difficult child 1's responses but most people that responded put the focus on what I did to "cause" the response. Thank you Flutterby for noticing what I was feeling. And yes, Buddy, it wouldn't have mattered in this case or any other, how it was phrased to difficult child 1. The response is ALWAYS the same and THAT was the intended purpose of the thread.

ToDo... of COURSE we bring up what we (as Moms) could do differently...
Because we KNOW its possible to change ourselves.

Changing difficult children? well, now... if it were as easy to change them as it is to change ourselves, none of us would be on this board. Right?

But... for difficult child to succeed in this life, difficult child has to change.
SO... I'll go bang my head against a brick wall again.

 

[TeDo]

Thanks for that Exhausted. I have felt the same way...leaving it all....but as you said, difficult child 2 would report me missing. difficult child 1 on the other hand just might end up in places that would NOT be good or helpful to him. Heavy *sigh*

 

[TeDo]

Insane, I already have a FLAT forehead from doing just that.

 

[klmno]

I apologize if I said anything in a previous post that made you feel like I was blaming you. I don't think anyone here meant for their reply to come across that way. I think we've all had that as a sore spot at some point thru difficult child-parenting so I can understand that, too.