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<blockquote data-quote="susiestar" data-source="post: 490550" data-attributes="member: 1233"><p>I totally agree that it is best to tell not to ask. Asking is fine IF you are fine with whatever the child chooses. I usually give 2-3 choices that I am fine iwth - Do you want mashed potatoes or rice iwth dinner? But when I want something done and am not okay with it not being done, I tell the child. </p><p></p><p>We are parents. We are responsible for everything in a kid's eyes. The trick is to not start to believe it. I don't CARE if my kids blame me for stuff. Yes, it IS all my fault you have to walk the thousand miles back to the living room to get your bowl because I let you eat in there. As it is SUCH a HUGE chore to bring the bowl to the kitchen, you will have to eat in the kitchen from now on. I am glad you let me know that it is just too much to ask of you to walk that tremendous distance, now I know that you can't handle eating there, so you can eat in the kitchen.</p><p></p><p>That results in the child still not being happy but not giving me static about bringing the bowl to the kitchen - AND swearing that it isn't a big deal and they can eat in the living room and bring their dish back, no problem.</p><p></p><p>I just figured for the most part the kids would blame me when they were not happy. As I have zero intention of being their friend, mostly I don't care. They have lots of friends but they will only ever have one mom. </p><p></p><p>I do find that using logical, natural consequences and ignoring the blame they put on me works quite well. When they go overboard with blame they are reminded that I didn't choose to do whatever so I am not to blame.</p><p></p><p>If the blame or complaints about rules goes to far or annoys me, I take a page out of my father's parenting handbook. They get to do whatever it is over and over until it is no longer such a big deal. Complain about walking back to get your dish and take it to the kitchen? You can spend the next five minutes walking back and forth.</p><p></p><p>My dad hammered this type of thing home when mom went to grad school at night. If we had ANY complaints about what he cooked we got seconds - unless it was clearly to get those seconds - you know, like complaining about the ice cream so that we could have more. there is NOTHING guaranteed to make a kid not complain about the food like haing to eat seconds of my dad's "mustard glop". No joke, that was what he called it. I know it had ground beef, mustard (the yellow stuff in the jar) and sometimes jalapenos or just the juice from the jalapeno jar. Or pickles. Or both. It truly was one of the most hideous things I have ever seen on a plate, much less had to choke down. It was so bad that the dog wouldn't touch it - she would cry if she even SMELLED it!</p><p></p><p>If you haven't read Parenting with Love and Logic, get a copy. It will help with this type of thing a LOT.</p><p></p><p>As for the complaints that he doesn't get to do things that his brother does? Those will always be there. My dad would have given me another assignment or section in a workbook or whatever if I had done that. You don't have to do it often to learn to not complain.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="susiestar, post: 490550, member: 1233"] I totally agree that it is best to tell not to ask. Asking is fine IF you are fine with whatever the child chooses. I usually give 2-3 choices that I am fine iwth - Do you want mashed potatoes or rice iwth dinner? But when I want something done and am not okay with it not being done, I tell the child. We are parents. We are responsible for everything in a kid's eyes. The trick is to not start to believe it. I don't CARE if my kids blame me for stuff. Yes, it IS all my fault you have to walk the thousand miles back to the living room to get your bowl because I let you eat in there. As it is SUCH a HUGE chore to bring the bowl to the kitchen, you will have to eat in the kitchen from now on. I am glad you let me know that it is just too much to ask of you to walk that tremendous distance, now I know that you can't handle eating there, so you can eat in the kitchen. That results in the child still not being happy but not giving me static about bringing the bowl to the kitchen - AND swearing that it isn't a big deal and they can eat in the living room and bring their dish back, no problem. I just figured for the most part the kids would blame me when they were not happy. As I have zero intention of being their friend, mostly I don't care. They have lots of friends but they will only ever have one mom. I do find that using logical, natural consequences and ignoring the blame they put on me works quite well. When they go overboard with blame they are reminded that I didn't choose to do whatever so I am not to blame. If the blame or complaints about rules goes to far or annoys me, I take a page out of my father's parenting handbook. They get to do whatever it is over and over until it is no longer such a big deal. Complain about walking back to get your dish and take it to the kitchen? You can spend the next five minutes walking back and forth. My dad hammered this type of thing home when mom went to grad school at night. If we had ANY complaints about what he cooked we got seconds - unless it was clearly to get those seconds - you know, like complaining about the ice cream so that we could have more. there is NOTHING guaranteed to make a kid not complain about the food like haing to eat seconds of my dad's "mustard glop". No joke, that was what he called it. I know it had ground beef, mustard (the yellow stuff in the jar) and sometimes jalapenos or just the juice from the jalapeno jar. Or pickles. Or both. It truly was one of the most hideous things I have ever seen on a plate, much less had to choke down. It was so bad that the dog wouldn't touch it - she would cry if she even SMELLED it! If you haven't read Parenting with Love and Logic, get a copy. It will help with this type of thing a LOT. As for the complaints that he doesn't get to do things that his brother does? Those will always be there. My dad would have given me another assignment or section in a workbook or whatever if I had done that. You don't have to do it often to learn to not complain. [/QUOTE]
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