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<blockquote data-quote="susiestar" data-source="post: 354154" data-attributes="member: 1233"><p>First of all, the child is wrong. If he truly felt unloved and unsupported he would not write a letter and send it because he would figure it wouldn't be read and if it was he would be at best laughed at or ignored. He clearly KNOWS you love him because he knows that this accusation will hurt you terribly. He wants to hurt you for some reason of his own - NOT because of anything of your doing. I assume he is not living at home and he may be angry over that or over some other limit that was imposed or because his own delusions tell him things that are not true. Isn't this the difficult child that there was some question of schizoaffective disorder and/or being out of touch with reality?</p><p></p><p>If your son feels unloved and unsupported it can ONLY be because he is delusional and has rewritten his past. I know you well enough to know he wasn't abused, wasn't left out of the love your other kids clearly received. Some difficult children send letters like this or say things like this when limits or boundaries are imposed. Sometimes it is because they fall in with other disturbed difficult children and decide that their parents were the worst and they want to prove it even if it isn't true.</p><p></p><p>Tell your husband about it and show him the letter. The "news" of his coming out is problem not news to your husband. Either way, this is your husband's child and he has a right to know what is going on. Your husband also has a right to know what his son is saying to his wife.</p><p></p><p>Son is WAY out of line here, stabbing you in the heart with the most hurtful things any parent can hear. Son knew what he was doing when he wrote this. He clearly knew he was loved because if he didn't know you loved him he would strike somewhere else if he wanted to hurt you in the most effective way. The fact that he even THOUGHT about writing this is proof he knows he was loved and supported. Writing and sending the letter means he knows he was loved and supported more than almost anyone else in your life.</p><p></p><p>He is blatantly showing his disrespect, and contempt for you and your husband and your marriage. Mostly he is problem feeling awful about himself and striking out, but he clearly wants to drive a wedge between you and your husband. PLEASE don't let him. He wants you to feel all alone and in abject misery and pain, cut off from everyone. He can want that, but to write the letter and send it is abuse and you do NOT have to do what he tells you to.</p><p></p><p>If a stranger sent you a letter and told you not to tell your husband, would you? Why would you let someone abusive dictate the state of your marriage? I know he is your son and you want to show him respect, but what he is asking is not respect. He is asking you to sabotage your marriage. He has NO RIGHT to ask that and you have every right to tell your husband. Your husband probably knows you are upset and will want to know why. TELL HIM!!!</p><p></p><p>You would NOT let your child walk up and hit or stab or punch you in person. This is an emotional assault that is probably more devastating than a physical assault from your child. By doing this your child loses every right to ask you to keep things between you and him. It is time to let husband and even sibs know what he has said. At the very least husband. I would contact the other kids and ask if they received hurtful letters from your son. He may send them to his sibs also. I would give them a head's up so they can choose to read the letter or not if one arrives. It also will let them feel less alone if they receive a letter.</p><p></p><p>Your son is very abusive and has no right to ask you for anything. Be prepared for him to ask for something, possibly very large/expensive. The letter may be the first part of his plan - tell you he feels totally unloved and you are horrible and awful. Then, to make it up he will ask for some huge thing - an opportunity to "make it up to me" or to "prove you really love me". in my humble opinion this is strictly manipulation and triangulation. He is cutting you out of the herd, making you weak, so you will do what he wants.</p><p></p><p>Prove that you are strong enough to not fall for this. Talk to your husband. You wouldn't let a teenage difficult child destroy your marriage, don't let an adult difficult child do the same thing. You know your husband loves you, and you love him. Protect your husband from the future blows of a letter like this by preparing him for it. </p><p></p><p>We tell children who are abused to talk about it, to tell someone. We tell women who are abused to get away, to talk to someone. I am telling you, an abused mother, to avoid your abusive son. To talk to your husband. To cut yourself off from your abuser no matter what he says. </p><p></p><p>Sending hugs to a mom who's son clearly was and is loved. Clear as the zit on the nose on my face (which right now is letting me do a killer Rudolph the reindeer imitation.) your son knows you love him and that this love is the best way to strike at you.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="susiestar, post: 354154, member: 1233"] First of all, the child is wrong. If he truly felt unloved and unsupported he would not write a letter and send it because he would figure it wouldn't be read and if it was he would be at best laughed at or ignored. He clearly KNOWS you love him because he knows that this accusation will hurt you terribly. He wants to hurt you for some reason of his own - NOT because of anything of your doing. I assume he is not living at home and he may be angry over that or over some other limit that was imposed or because his own delusions tell him things that are not true. Isn't this the difficult child that there was some question of schizoaffective disorder and/or being out of touch with reality? If your son feels unloved and unsupported it can ONLY be because he is delusional and has rewritten his past. I know you well enough to know he wasn't abused, wasn't left out of the love your other kids clearly received. Some difficult children send letters like this or say things like this when limits or boundaries are imposed. Sometimes it is because they fall in with other disturbed difficult children and decide that their parents were the worst and they want to prove it even if it isn't true. Tell your husband about it and show him the letter. The "news" of his coming out is problem not news to your husband. Either way, this is your husband's child and he has a right to know what is going on. Your husband also has a right to know what his son is saying to his wife. Son is WAY out of line here, stabbing you in the heart with the most hurtful things any parent can hear. Son knew what he was doing when he wrote this. He clearly knew he was loved because if he didn't know you loved him he would strike somewhere else if he wanted to hurt you in the most effective way. The fact that he even THOUGHT about writing this is proof he knows he was loved and supported. Writing and sending the letter means he knows he was loved and supported more than almost anyone else in your life. He is blatantly showing his disrespect, and contempt for you and your husband and your marriage. Mostly he is problem feeling awful about himself and striking out, but he clearly wants to drive a wedge between you and your husband. PLEASE don't let him. He wants you to feel all alone and in abject misery and pain, cut off from everyone. He can want that, but to write the letter and send it is abuse and you do NOT have to do what he tells you to. If a stranger sent you a letter and told you not to tell your husband, would you? Why would you let someone abusive dictate the state of your marriage? I know he is your son and you want to show him respect, but what he is asking is not respect. He is asking you to sabotage your marriage. He has NO RIGHT to ask that and you have every right to tell your husband. Your husband probably knows you are upset and will want to know why. TELL HIM!!! You would NOT let your child walk up and hit or stab or punch you in person. This is an emotional assault that is probably more devastating than a physical assault from your child. By doing this your child loses every right to ask you to keep things between you and him. It is time to let husband and even sibs know what he has said. At the very least husband. I would contact the other kids and ask if they received hurtful letters from your son. He may send them to his sibs also. I would give them a head's up so they can choose to read the letter or not if one arrives. It also will let them feel less alone if they receive a letter. Your son is very abusive and has no right to ask you for anything. Be prepared for him to ask for something, possibly very large/expensive. The letter may be the first part of his plan - tell you he feels totally unloved and you are horrible and awful. Then, to make it up he will ask for some huge thing - an opportunity to "make it up to me" or to "prove you really love me". in my humble opinion this is strictly manipulation and triangulation. He is cutting you out of the herd, making you weak, so you will do what he wants. Prove that you are strong enough to not fall for this. Talk to your husband. You wouldn't let a teenage difficult child destroy your marriage, don't let an adult difficult child do the same thing. You know your husband loves you, and you love him. Protect your husband from the future blows of a letter like this by preparing him for it. We tell children who are abused to talk about it, to tell someone. We tell women who are abused to get away, to talk to someone. I am telling you, an abused mother, to avoid your abusive son. To talk to your husband. To cut yourself off from your abuser no matter what he says. Sending hugs to a mom who's son clearly was and is loved. Clear as the zit on the nose on my face (which right now is letting me do a killer Rudolph the reindeer imitation.) your son knows you love him and that this love is the best way to strike at you. [/QUOTE]
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