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<blockquote data-quote="katya02" data-source="post: 354168" data-attributes="member: 2884"><p>Thank you so, so much for all of your loving replies. I am in tears again - feel like such a wreck - and it will be hard for husband not to notice that something's wrong, although when he comes home exhausted from a 12 hour ER shift sometimes his eyes are virtually crossed with fatigue and he just can't deal with anything else. This letter did not actually come from difficult child. It came from easy child 2, who has had depression/anxiety problems for years but no trouble with reality as far as I could tell. He has shown traits at times that seemed to me unmistakeably borderline, and he is a master at twisting my words and making me feel miserable, and then at other times being the most sensitive, wonderful, helping person. But very high maintenance. I have thought he was probably borderline but he wouldn't welcome a suggestion that he be evaluated. </p><p></p><p>easy child 2 has been angry and resentful for many years; he received a lot of abuse from difficult child when they were younger, plus there was resentment from difficult child getting so much attention and taking so much energy out of husband and me. easy child 2 has always stressed how 'good' he has been in relation to difficult child and how unappreciated he feels. He despises difficult child. I had thought his chronic anger had its source in difficult child's effect on the family; now I know that that was only part of the source.</p><p></p><p>easy child 2 is furious with me about the fact that we have attended church all the children's lives (we are Russian Orthodox); he told me in his letter that he 'was forced to worship' a God who, he feels, hates him. He says I caused him inexpressible pain by telling him, years ago, that love for God comes first and is the source of our ability to love other people, because he felt I was telling him that I love God, who he thinks hates him, more than him. Of course when we had that conversation many years ago, we were talking in generalities about the nature and source of love. Orthodox theology does not focus on homosexuality; I can honestly say that, in twenty years, I have not heard one sermon on that topic. There is a focus on self-examination and humility. While it is true that a gay lifestyle isn't approved in Orthodox teaching, neither are adultery or basically any relations outside of marriage. The emphasis is on what we strive for. Love is the biggest focus, and each person is seen as both a struggler on a journey and as an image of God. I'm sorry to bring religious discussion into this, I may be violating guidelines - I only do it to explain that growing up in the Orthodox faith did not mean that my son lived in an atmosphere of condemnation. But it is easy child 2's perception that that was so. </p><p></p><p>easy child 2 has told me he intends to send letters to husband and to his siblings, but they will each be different. He focused on faith in my letter; I don't know what he will focus on with the others. If he is determined to lash out and hurt, I think I had better prepare them. </p><p></p><p>I'm not sure if I can separate the issue of easy child 2's statements about not feeling loved from the main issue, in terms of sharing with husband. Discussing the first inevitably leads to the second, because the first question is "what would lead him to say this? Why does he feel he's never had unconditional love?'. I just don't know what to do about sharing the letter. Maybe I should give easy child 2 a short deadline, like 48 hours, to say what he wants to say to husband, after which I will share my own letter; or maybe I should just share. I do resent that easy child 2 is triangulating and putting a wedge between husband and me. </p><p></p><p>easy child 2 is due to come home from college in two weeks. I have no idea what he's thinking - how will we relate after a letter like this? He usually stays in touch daily to discuss my cattery (which was his project originally and which he loves intensely). He told me that if we have any emotion of grieving he will never forgive us; that we are not to show any negative emotion or say anything around him in terms of being upset. He said that he had thought of waiting until he finished his degree, having a huge rant at both of us, and then never speaking to us again; but he decided to 'reach out to us'. He sees himself as the magnanimous victim and this is all about him, for sure. We are not permitted emotions because we are not the ones who have suffered for years. </p><p></p><p>I would never turn my back on him, any more than I have ever turned my back on difficult child. difficult child, at the moment, lives with his girlfriend and they have just found out she's pregnant. I don't agree with difficult child's choices but it's his life and his responsibility. He knows I love him. I tell him, and I show him, often. The same goes for all my children. I don't run their lives as adults and I don't make their choices for them. I love them, period. No conditions. But I feel like easy child 2 has now put all sorts of conditions on our relationship.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="katya02, post: 354168, member: 2884"] Thank you so, so much for all of your loving replies. I am in tears again - feel like such a wreck - and it will be hard for husband not to notice that something's wrong, although when he comes home exhausted from a 12 hour ER shift sometimes his eyes are virtually crossed with fatigue and he just can't deal with anything else. This letter did not actually come from difficult child. It came from easy child 2, who has had depression/anxiety problems for years but no trouble with reality as far as I could tell. He has shown traits at times that seemed to me unmistakeably borderline, and he is a master at twisting my words and making me feel miserable, and then at other times being the most sensitive, wonderful, helping person. But very high maintenance. I have thought he was probably borderline but he wouldn't welcome a suggestion that he be evaluated. easy child 2 has been angry and resentful for many years; he received a lot of abuse from difficult child when they were younger, plus there was resentment from difficult child getting so much attention and taking so much energy out of husband and me. easy child 2 has always stressed how 'good' he has been in relation to difficult child and how unappreciated he feels. He despises difficult child. I had thought his chronic anger had its source in difficult child's effect on the family; now I know that that was only part of the source. easy child 2 is furious with me about the fact that we have attended church all the children's lives (we are Russian Orthodox); he told me in his letter that he 'was forced to worship' a God who, he feels, hates him. He says I caused him inexpressible pain by telling him, years ago, that love for God comes first and is the source of our ability to love other people, because he felt I was telling him that I love God, who he thinks hates him, more than him. Of course when we had that conversation many years ago, we were talking in generalities about the nature and source of love. Orthodox theology does not focus on homosexuality; I can honestly say that, in twenty years, I have not heard one sermon on that topic. There is a focus on self-examination and humility. While it is true that a gay lifestyle isn't approved in Orthodox teaching, neither are adultery or basically any relations outside of marriage. The emphasis is on what we strive for. Love is the biggest focus, and each person is seen as both a struggler on a journey and as an image of God. I'm sorry to bring religious discussion into this, I may be violating guidelines - I only do it to explain that growing up in the Orthodox faith did not mean that my son lived in an atmosphere of condemnation. But it is easy child 2's perception that that was so. easy child 2 has told me he intends to send letters to husband and to his siblings, but they will each be different. He focused on faith in my letter; I don't know what he will focus on with the others. If he is determined to lash out and hurt, I think I had better prepare them. I'm not sure if I can separate the issue of easy child 2's statements about not feeling loved from the main issue, in terms of sharing with husband. Discussing the first inevitably leads to the second, because the first question is "what would lead him to say this? Why does he feel he's never had unconditional love?'. I just don't know what to do about sharing the letter. Maybe I should give easy child 2 a short deadline, like 48 hours, to say what he wants to say to husband, after which I will share my own letter; or maybe I should just share. I do resent that easy child 2 is triangulating and putting a wedge between husband and me. easy child 2 is due to come home from college in two weeks. I have no idea what he's thinking - how will we relate after a letter like this? He usually stays in touch daily to discuss my cattery (which was his project originally and which he loves intensely). He told me that if we have any emotion of grieving he will never forgive us; that we are not to show any negative emotion or say anything around him in terms of being upset. He said that he had thought of waiting until he finished his degree, having a huge rant at both of us, and then never speaking to us again; but he decided to 'reach out to us'. He sees himself as the magnanimous victim and this is all about him, for sure. We are not permitted emotions because we are not the ones who have suffered for years. I would never turn my back on him, any more than I have ever turned my back on difficult child. difficult child, at the moment, lives with his girlfriend and they have just found out she's pregnant. I don't agree with difficult child's choices but it's his life and his responsibility. He knows I love him. I tell him, and I show him, often. The same goes for all my children. I don't run their lives as adults and I don't make their choices for them. I love them, period. No conditions. But I feel like easy child 2 has now put all sorts of conditions on our relationship. [/QUOTE]
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