Blindsided

[Ktllc]

It appears that J really is struggling with the lack of knowledge he has on his birth mother. Nothing you can do about it at this point but have you looked for good child friendly books on the topic? Have you sat down and agknowledhe his struggle in simple words, talk about how it makes him feel? Probably extremely hard for you to do it but you know him better than any therapist. You will know how to interpret his comments or questions.
J is a very bright child and it appears he would understand if you ask him why he mentions his birth mother when he is angry. Could you maybe tell him how you perceive it: ie. use it as a way to get to you when he is upset with you?
Maybe talk about the multitude of families. About the fact that no one gets to choose their family. Some activities on the good parts and hard parts of his special situation?
Just a few thoughts. Leave it if completely unrealistic.

 

[Malika]

These are all excellent suggestions, Ktllc. But I fear they would not work with J. It is kind of hard to explain... but he's just not receptive and child-like as you'd expect in these kind of situations. Instead of listening and absorbing information, he loudly proclaims that he knows exactly what the answer is already - he knows why he does things, he knows what he feels, he doesn't want to listen to any explanations of this or have any sense that he has anything to learn. He is like that with a lot of things - he knows it all already and there's nothing you can tell him. And, I know, he's still only five... Crazy.

And I wouldn't find it hard to do it at all, actually. I'd welcome the chance to talk about it with him, and have often talked about his birth mother to him (thereby kind of creating the problem, I suspect) and encouraged him to explore his feelings. But of course he doesn't really know what he feels... how could he? It must feel so strange to have the only mother you have ever known telling you that she is not "really" his mother (I don't put it like this of course) and that he grew in another lady's tummy. When he was smaller he used to say he wished he had grown in my tummy, but he doesn't say that any more...

 

[ThreeShadows]

An angry difficult child 2, in his twelfth year, said "you're not my real mother anyway!". I waited for the pain to hit my adoptive mother's gut. It didn't and I was shocked at my reaction. I felt certain that he and I were connected for ever. I told him that he was stuck with me until he was 18 and, beyond that age, he could change his name if he so chose. Strangely, this is the child with whom I feel the greatest connection. He recently told me that he has always been a mama's boy. You are J's mama. He's a really smart little boy. He reminds me of my sons. He's sensitive to your feelings.

" It is kind of hard to explain... but he's just not receptive and child-like as you'd expect in these kind of situations. Instead of listening and absorbing information, he loudly proclaims that he knows exactly what the answer is already - he knows why he does things, he knows what he feels, he doesn't want to listen to any explanations of this or have any sense that he has anything to learn. He is like that with a lot of things - he knows it all already and there's nothing you can tell him".



Daughter from Russia had the most hellish tantrums. I think the orphanage's inability to provide constant taking care of her needs has left her the least attached of the 3 kids. She needs to feel in control at all times. Tells me I cannot teach her anything that she doesn't already know. She has a certain "knowing" look. You might know what I mean by that.

 

[Malika]

Yes - of course it's hard to tell what is character, what is environment. J has had this incredibly strong, determined, larger than life personality from the beginning, really from the beginning. I think it's all a mixture of things, probably.
He was his "usual" friendly, bubbly self this morning so in a tranquil moment I asked him in an even voice why he said these things about me not being his mummy and he laughed rather sheepishly and said "I'm just pulling your leg." So then I explained briefly that it made me feel sad and that it didn't help us to feel close to each other. I also said I wouldn't talk about Kenza any more but if he wanted to, he was free to; I said I was the only mummy he had really and that I wished he had grown in my tummy. He seemed pleased by that.
The adoption is another element added into the combination of factors that make his behaviour so difficult. As is his early life and my divorce, etc. I am firmly convinced J would be better off emotionally within the context of a large family, a la marocaine... unfortunately it isn't what he has for the moment and there we are. He had received other advantages by living in France and the order and structure of life here is doubtless good for him. He remains though, despite SuZir's thoughtful words, a little Moroccan boy and this is how he describes himself and how I describe him to himself... He lives in France, speaks French with the very distinct local accent but he is from Morocco and I think it is good that he has this clear sense of identity. Even if he has a rather more cosmopolitan life than most Moroccans his age...
He is at this moment under my computer desk with the dog, having taken a pillow and blanket to set up a bedroom there... He has just announced that he is going to sleep "And I'm going to have a dream - about toupies (a toy) and... umm.... butterflies!" This is the kind of funny thing he says all day.

 

[whatamess]

Toys and butterflies....how sweet is that!