Board support needed for tonight!!!!!!!!!!!!!PLEASE-URGENTLY NEEDED

[hearts and roses]

I have a therapist appointment that I am bringing H with me tonight to discuss his mom.

The KEY goal is to discuss with H the need for him to speak with his mom about her planned move to CT. Her plan is to sell her house in FL next Spring and move in with us. H and I have discussed her plans and he reluctantly agrees that it's not a great idea. We have gathered information from three Independent/Assisted living communities local to our home. H knows he needs to tell his mother she cannot live with us - ever, not even for ONE day, but he has yet to discuss it with her - it will be a month next week that she's had this idea in her head and she's told friends and family of her plans. H just makes small talk with her weekly, detailing how well the upstairs addition is coming along, which in my opinion is a BAD idea as it will only further her ideas about us having ample space to house her (our home will be more spacious but will still only have 3 bedrooms. Ugh.

So, I am hoping the therapist will be able to help H come up with the right words to say to his mom and assuage his guilt (as I'm sure this is a part of the reason he hasn't said anything to his mom yet). She can become very indignant and angry very fast, though she usually comes across as quiet and subdied - she's manipulative (there is a picture of her next to the word in the dictionary) so there will definitely be some sort of hurt feelings, perhaps even some backlash. However, it needs to be said. My sister in law called me at work today to tell me that my mother in law told her again last night that she's beginning to sell belongings in preparation for the sale of her FL home to move in with her son, ugh.......she even sent sister in law her silver already and plans on speaking with auctioners about having an estate sale.

Please send me strength and send H wisdom and words. He doesn't think fast on his feet, but he needs to be able to respond to his mother in adequate ways so she cannot guilt him into anything. Thanks!!

ps: Also, I am resolute about moving out if he allows his mom to move in with us. Do I tell him that?

 

[busywend]

Sending loads of strength your way!!!! I hope the therapist can help H figure out how to get this done!

 

[buddy]

maybe wait to tell him until you find out if he really plans to tell mommy dearest she can't move in. Just dont want to start a battle for no reason. However, if he doesn't, well, that is another story.....

In any event, since I am single and have no CLUE to what to really do, smile, I will just send up a prayer for you. I truly hope it goes well...

 

[InsaneCdn]

ps: Also, I am resolute about moving out if he allows his mom to move in with us. Do I tell him that?

Yes. If its a 100% guaranteed consequence, then the therapist needs to know - because that consequence hanging over husband's head may be one more complicating factor, and may affect husband's responses.

 

[cubsgirl]

Good thoughts and juju for you and your appointment today. I hope husband "gets" it. The thought of my mother in law moving in just sent a chill up my spine!

 

[keista]

Sending strength and positive thoughts your way!

ps: Also, I am resolute about moving out if he allows his mom to move in with us. Do I tell him that?

in my opinion YES! as long as you are 100% positive and confident that you will stick to that. You can even up the stakes by saying that if he doesn't set his mom straight by X date, you will start moving then. Right or wrong, that will give him some time to fix things if he doesn't take you seriously until you do start moving. Know what I mean??

 

[Hound dog]

Sending positive vibes and juju, and adding in a prayer for good measure.

 

[Marcie Mac]

I would hold the "I am moving out if "she" moves in card close to your chest only to be pulled out in a last ditch move. And why should "YOU' have to move out of "YOUR" house.

I would give him a chance to deal with the angst this is causing him with the therapist first, but the longer this goes on, the worse its going to get. You are going to be the "bad" guy no matter what - sorry bout that - I was still the bad guy even though I told my mother she could come here, and when I announced to my family that my mother was comming to live, everyone had thought I really had lost it as we have never gotten along, but I was determined to do the right thing. Fate had decided that wasn't going to happen thankfully and she stayed with my cousin and I realize now my life would be a living he## if I was able to proceed with that thought. After she died 2 months later Syds mom moved in.

She is such a lovely person Jo, never intruding or demanding, the mom I should have had, but I gotta tell you it is difficult when you are used to just doing your thing, and now have to consider someone else before you do. My mother did enjoy Assisted Living, after balking at first. There were lots of things to do and people of a similar age to do them with - she only started to hate it when her mind started to tank. It sucks when you finally get thru raising kids, think ahhhhh, time now for me, then you have to deal with the parent issues

Have you checked out Caring.com - Its really a good website for dealing with issues on elderly parents

Fingers crossed for you

Marcie

I am hoping your hubby has the strength to deal with this issue - if not this is not going to go down well. Did the deed issue ever get resolved?

 

[witzend]

If you are resolute, you MUST tell him that you will move if his mom moves in. Just as we can't make ultimatums to our kids we can't keep, we can't make ultimatums to our spouses we can't keep. They're huge decisions to make, and it's only fair that we include them when we've come to a conclusion. He needs to have this information ASAP. I'd also want to discuss with him and the therapist whether you are comfortable with him sharing that tidbit with his mom, and if so how much of that decision he wants her to think played into the decision. Is it ok with you if he tells her "H&R is leaving if you move in" - period? There could be unintended extended family-consequences to that.

FWIW, where on earth did she come up with this idea? Was it out of the blue? A friend did it and it worked out?

 

[Shari]

Sending good vibes and prayers.

As for telling your husband, I guess I would ask the therapist, but my inclination would be to not wait much longer to tell him the consequence of not dealing with mom...that's a game changer, in my humble opinion.

 

[trinityroyal]

Jo, adding in my prayers and strength.

As for whether to tell husband, I agree with the others that you need to make your feelings and intentions clear to him so that he has all of the information he needs to have an effective conversation with his mother.

That said, I think there are a few questions that you need to ask yourself before you do so:

1) Are you prepared to leave YOUR home if your mother in law moves in? In doing so, what do you sacrifice? What do you gain? Would it be better for your husband to move somewhere with mother in law, than to uproot yourself?
2) Are you in a position to afford alternate living arrangements? Is husband, should it come to that?
3) What happens if you tell husband that "it's either me or her", and he says "Well, I choose her." What if he is still unwilling to face standing up to his mother, even in the face of your ultimatum? Are you prepared to deal with the fallout should that question come up?

Sorry for being so blunt, but I find it's always better to be prepared with as many contingencies as you can come up with ahead of time. With emotions being volatile, it might be harder to think on your feet in the middle of everything. If you have an idea of how you want to react to A or B before you get there, you might be able to go on auto-pilot a bit and not have emotions run away with you.

Sending many hugs.
Trinity

 

[KTMom91]

Sending hugs and lots of strength that your meeting goes smoothly.

 

[Liahona]

Maybe therapist, husband, and you writing down what husband would say to her would help him. And then writing down possible responses and what husband would say then. Then having a role play. Good luck.

 

[AnnieO]

Pretzeling, rattling beads, doing the fried chicken dance, and praying for all I'm worth...

 

[DDD]

You know you can count on my prayers and support. I'm glad the appointment has finally arrived so you won't have to stay on pins and needles.

I don't know how long your appointment is going to last. I don't know if your therapist is already fully aware of the situation. I don't know if you will have time enough to allow husband to speak one on one with the therapist. There's a heck of alot I don't know.

on the other hand I do know something about sales. The presentation of your well thought out ultimatum could be key to success. "If you allow your Mom to come I am leaving" is harsher than "husband you and I have been together for x years as a team. I have explained many times to you that I know having your Mom come to our home would change our lives in a terrible way. In all fairness I need you to understand that I truly can not live in a shared household."

Yes, I know, he should have already grasped the reality. I don't believe he has. With his personality I fear that a harsh simple statement will be received as a rejection of him. He does not know how to cope with rejection. Heck, he's not good at coping with stress period. I think the situation requires a truthful but soft approach that focuses him on your team. Good luck. DDD

 

[hearts and roses]

FWIW, where on earth did she come up with this idea? Was it out of the blue? A friend did it and it worked out?

Oh Witz, the question of the day. We're not entirely sure. What we do know is that since father in law passed away she feels her days of 'living' are over and now she's ready to live quietly as the grandmother she's never been to anyone at our house until the day arrives that she takes her last breath. Maybe she imagines herself resting in a rocker knitting or making our dinners while we work so we can all be together for the evening meal. I have no idea. Her other son and daughter have both told her this is a bad BAD move for her, for us, etc. She disagrees and becomes angry when brother in law suggests looking at homes near him. She stated to my sister in law that our house is big and we have room (it is not big and there isn't a house big enough for both of us to live in).

 

[Steely]

Sending positive thoughts and wishes your way..............

 

[HaoZi]

Sending good vibes for you. Maybe instead of telling her flat out, he can pull off something that implies he never intended her to live with you directly by saying to her "Hey Mom, I've narrowed down the list of places for you to live to a few you might like, I can send you their brochures to look over and pick before you decide to sell and move."

 

[hearts and roses]

1) Are you prepared to leave YOUR home if your mother in law moves in? In doing so, what do you sacrifice? What do you gain? Would it be better for your husband to move somewhere with mother in law, than to uproot yourself?
2) Are you in a position to afford alternate living arrangements? Is husband, should it come to that?
3) What happens if you tell husband that "it's either me or her", and he says "Well, I choose her." What if he is still unwilling to face standing up to his mother, even in the face of your ultimatum? Are you prepared to deal with the fallout should that question come up?

Sorry for being so blunt, but I find it's always better to be prepared with as many contingencies as you can come up with ahead of time. With emotions being volatile, it might be harder to think on your feet in the middle of everything. If you have an idea of how you want to react to A or B before you get there, you might be able to go on auto-pilot a bit and not have emotions run away with you. Sending many hugs. Trinity

Thanks Trinity - very good food for thought.

Up until July 11th, our home/house was in father in law's name. Now that he's passed, it is in probate and will be put into mother in law's name. Once that takes effect, the PLAN was to have her quit claim it to H and me. Then it would be ours. I would move because technically I have no stake or claim in the house or property. If after I left it went into H's name, then I would sue for half the value (and I would definitely do that as it's been my home for over 15 years!). I am prepared emotionally to walk away from H should the need arise. It would be difficult, but I could do it. Financially, not so much. I have a friend who said I could rent a room from her until I can afford my own place, which would likely be about 3-4 months. The other option would be to rent a place with either easy child or difficult child and her boyfriend. We have discussed this already. If H chose his mom over me, it would be the last nail in the proverbial coffin, really, as his reluctance over the years to include me in certain discussions with his dad pertaining to the house affairs has already undermined our relationship...so no surprise this here situation we're in.

 

[hearts and roses]

You know you can count on my prayers and support. I'm glad the appointment has finally arrived so you won't have to stay on pins and needles.

I don't know how long your appointment is going to last. I don't know if your therapist is already fully aware of the situation. I don't know if you will have time enough to allow husband to speak one on one with the therapist. There's a heck of alot I don't know.

on the other hand I do know something about sales. The presentation of your well thought out ultimatum could be key to success. "If you allow your Mom to come I am leaving" is harsher than "husband you and I have been together for x years as a team. I have explained many times to you that I know having your Mom come to our home would change our lives in a terrible way. In all fairness I need you to understand that I truly can not live in a shared household."

Yes, I know, he should have already grasped the reality. I don't believe he has. With his personality I fear that a harsh simple statement will be received as a rejection of him. He does not know how to cope with rejection. Heck, he's not good at coping with stress period. I think the situation requires a truthful but soft approach that focuses him on your team. Good luck. DDD

Thank you DDD - also very good food for thought. I know my wording will have to be delicate and well thought out. What you said is what I had planned if I said anything at all. I'm not usually an ultimatum type of gal (I hate the idea of ever going back on my word), but I think he may need the push.

I wish we could have scheduled a two hour session but we have to always take the last appointment of the day because H can't get there. As it is, I'm nervous he won't show up!

I think...I KNOW...he is struggling. And I totally understand that feeling of having to tell your parent "no" - it is very difficult. But this is serious and sooner rather than later this needs to be said to his mom.

As an aside, I was thinking about it today. sister in law told me that when she spoke with mother in law, mother in law said that we 'all' had a conversation and that we were all on board. Well, I can assure you, I have never had a conversation with mother in law about moving into my home. Ever. If it was a real conversation, A) I would remember and B) I would have nipped it in the bud right then and there. I know when she mentioned it to H, it took him off guard and he doesn't think fast on his feet so his silence was likely taken as a yes. The other thing that really peeves me is that if she initiated that conversation with H...where was I? Just another way this woman is constantly undermining my position as H's wife. She has never acknowledged me as his legally wedded wife and continues in that vein. So, yeah, I am angry too.