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<blockquote data-quote="Childofmine" data-source="post: 672696" data-attributes="member: 17542"><p>Hopeful, it IS very hard when you set boundaries. It feels wrong. That is why we have to work very very hard to separate our feelings from our actions. For so long, many of us acted and reacted based on our feelings. If you stop and think about it...it was more about us than about them.</p><p></p><p>We couldn't NOT do it. After all, this is our precious precious, our very own child. How could we not try and try and try and try no matter how discouraging and how hard it was?</p><p></p><p>We did all we knew to do, and that was to keep on trying. </p><p></p><p>And then, after years went by, of doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result (we have learned that is the definition of insanity, now), we started wondering. What is going on here? We are telling them and working so hard to get them to do the right things...but NOTHING HAS CHANGED/</p><p></p><p>In fact, in most cases, things keep on getting worse and worse. We become distraught. </p><p></p><p>That turns out to be a good day for them and for us. We get so sick and tired that we are ready to start working for change. And that change has to be in us, because we can't change them.</p><p></p><p>Helping doesn't help. If there is to be a change, something has to change, and that something must be us.</p><p></p><p>We finally start to see that...and then we start to set boundaries, like you are right now...and at the beginning and even for a long time after the beginning it is very very hard to live with. We are miserable and we are still scared.</p><p></p><p>Many times, we just give up and go back to our old ways with them...but again...nothing changes and perhaps we are ready to try again.</p><p></p><p>So...little by little...we gain the strength to set boundaries and stick to them most of the time. Not all the time, but most of the time. </p><p></p><p>It is perfectly okay and understandable to make mistakes...and fall back...and get back up again and try again.</p><p></p><p>We are only human, and this is the hardest stuff in the entire world.</p><p></p><p>That's where you are right now. It's time right now to start working hard on yourself if you haven't started already. You deserve good things. You deserve peace and joy and contentment and you need to start working to find that.</p><p></p><p>Are you going to Al-Anon? Are you reading books like Boundaries, Codependent No More and Al-Anon literature? Are you taking a walk, taking a nap, sitting quietly looking at nature, just being, just breathing. Prayer and meditation are very good practices for times like these. Take a nap when you can. Buy some flowers for the kitchen table. Write in a journal---pour out your feelings on paper or into a computer. Let it all out---it is very healing. Go to therapy if you can. Spend five minutes every morning writing a gratitude list. </p><p></p><p>All of these things are tools---I call them my toolbox. Using your tools---whatever tools work for you---every single day. block out the time in your calendar. This is the very work of change. This is the very work of healing and forward movement.</p><p></p><p>I did these things when my son was homeless and I didn't know where he was or what he was doing and I was scared to death. I did them every day and more and more, I felt better and better. He was still spiraling down but I was beginning to look forward and move up in my views of myself, my situation and the world. </p><p></p><p>You can do this. One step, one day at at time. And we are here for you, all the time, with support and encouragement.</p><p></p><p>Your feelings are real. The situation is real. Feeling your feelings is a must for healing.</p><p></p><p>Keep posting. We're here for you.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Childofmine, post: 672696, member: 17542"] Hopeful, it IS very hard when you set boundaries. It feels wrong. That is why we have to work very very hard to separate our feelings from our actions. For so long, many of us acted and reacted based on our feelings. If you stop and think about it...it was more about us than about them. We couldn't NOT do it. After all, this is our precious precious, our very own child. How could we not try and try and try and try no matter how discouraging and how hard it was? We did all we knew to do, and that was to keep on trying. And then, after years went by, of doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result (we have learned that is the definition of insanity, now), we started wondering. What is going on here? We are telling them and working so hard to get them to do the right things...but NOTHING HAS CHANGED/ In fact, in most cases, things keep on getting worse and worse. We become distraught. That turns out to be a good day for them and for us. We get so sick and tired that we are ready to start working for change. And that change has to be in us, because we can't change them. Helping doesn't help. If there is to be a change, something has to change, and that something must be us. We finally start to see that...and then we start to set boundaries, like you are right now...and at the beginning and even for a long time after the beginning it is very very hard to live with. We are miserable and we are still scared. Many times, we just give up and go back to our old ways with them...but again...nothing changes and perhaps we are ready to try again. So...little by little...we gain the strength to set boundaries and stick to them most of the time. Not all the time, but most of the time. It is perfectly okay and understandable to make mistakes...and fall back...and get back up again and try again. We are only human, and this is the hardest stuff in the entire world. That's where you are right now. It's time right now to start working hard on yourself if you haven't started already. You deserve good things. You deserve peace and joy and contentment and you need to start working to find that. Are you going to Al-Anon? Are you reading books like Boundaries, Codependent No More and Al-Anon literature? Are you taking a walk, taking a nap, sitting quietly looking at nature, just being, just breathing. Prayer and meditation are very good practices for times like these. Take a nap when you can. Buy some flowers for the kitchen table. Write in a journal---pour out your feelings on paper or into a computer. Let it all out---it is very healing. Go to therapy if you can. Spend five minutes every morning writing a gratitude list. All of these things are tools---I call them my toolbox. Using your tools---whatever tools work for you---every single day. block out the time in your calendar. This is the very work of change. This is the very work of healing and forward movement. I did these things when my son was homeless and I didn't know where he was or what he was doing and I was scared to death. I did them every day and more and more, I felt better and better. He was still spiraling down but I was beginning to look forward and move up in my views of myself, my situation and the world. You can do this. One step, one day at at time. And we are here for you, all the time, with support and encouragement. Your feelings are real. The situation is real. Feeling your feelings is a must for healing. Keep posting. We're here for you. [/QUOTE]
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