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<blockquote data-quote="Mom2oddson" data-source="post: 618133" data-attributes="member: 65"><p>How did I feel in the worst of the crisis? Like an absolute failure! No matter how hard I tried I couldn't help my kids and it torn me into tiny little pieces. </p><p> </p><p>Then we went through 6 months without a word from our daughter. No one knew where she was. So, we waited for the call to come identify her body because the road she was on was leading to that point. And we had to come to terms with the possibility of our daughter dying from her choices. And when you get to the point where you are at peace with that consequence?.....then you feel like a total Heartless witch, because what kind of parent can do that??</p><p> </p><p>We've had no children in the house for a couple of years now. They are all living their own lives and living with their consequences. It's still not easy. I don't think it ever will be easy. There are times that it is very lonely. I don't have a "normal" relationship with my kids that others do. </p><p> </p><p>But, I don't take anything for granted either. My daughter comes by to visit once a month. Her last visit, she apologized for all the grief she put us through. It made my heart SING!! She lives in a very bad neighborhood, she's in a bad relationship mainly for the financial support that she gets, but she is no longer homeless and she is clean right now! I have more to be proud of with her than the parent who's kid is a doctor because MY Daughter has overcome bigger obsticales than that docter could even imagine. </p><p> </p><p>It's been years and I'm still trying to heal. I have accepted that I will never again be the person I was when this journey started. But I AM a better person for the journey. I appreciate every little thing! Waking up every morning is a gift now. I still have PTSD. I can't be outside when the school bus drops off the kids (our driveway is the bus stop). Just the sound of kids laughing and carrying on sends my body into a fit. My whole body tenses up, my blood pressure rises, and I'm overwhelmed with fear. But, I recongnize it for what it is....a result of living with my kids and their violence. </p><p> </p><p>Advice? hahaha....I'm no success story so I feel funny offering anything. Routine was my way to function. I went to work every day. By the time I got home, all I could do was collapse on the couch. So, Sunday was cooking day. I loaded up the crockpots and cooked food for the week. That way, when I got home, I could heat up some food and be fine. And I allowed myself to do nothing after work. Saturday, I cleaned house. I didn't want to. I made myself. I would set a timer for 15 minutes and work on the kitchen. Then I would sit on the couch for 15 min. The next 15 was the living room, then rest. The next 15 was the bathroom then rest. I did that for the first year. I did nothing but go to work and my weekends were at home. I needed to grieve. I still find myself mourning the what-should-of-been's once in a while. And it's okay to mourn a dream that didn't come true. </p><p> </p><p>My life and my family will never be what I dreamed of. Nor will anyone outside of this group understand all the invisible scars that I carry with me. I damaged my heart from all the stress. My health isn't great, but I did survive. And in the last month or two, I feel like I've reach the other side of the storm. I'm working on my crafts again. I find myself smiling more and more. I want to go out of the house and do things. </p><p> </p><p>I guess my best advice is to accept the pain that you are feeling as normal for someone going through what you go are going through. You'd never judge someone who had terminal illness as being "wrong" for whatever emotions that they are going through. Don't judge yourself. What us Warrior Mom's have gone through is rough.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Mom2oddson, post: 618133, member: 65"] How did I feel in the worst of the crisis? Like an absolute failure! No matter how hard I tried I couldn't help my kids and it torn me into tiny little pieces. Then we went through 6 months without a word from our daughter. No one knew where she was. So, we waited for the call to come identify her body because the road she was on was leading to that point. And we had to come to terms with the possibility of our daughter dying from her choices. And when you get to the point where you are at peace with that consequence?.....then you feel like a total Heartless witch, because what kind of parent can do that?? We've had no children in the house for a couple of years now. They are all living their own lives and living with their consequences. It's still not easy. I don't think it ever will be easy. There are times that it is very lonely. I don't have a "normal" relationship with my kids that others do. But, I don't take anything for granted either. My daughter comes by to visit once a month. Her last visit, she apologized for all the grief she put us through. It made my heart SING!! She lives in a very bad neighborhood, she's in a bad relationship mainly for the financial support that she gets, but she is no longer homeless and she is clean right now! I have more to be proud of with her than the parent who's kid is a doctor because MY Daughter has overcome bigger obsticales than that docter could even imagine. It's been years and I'm still trying to heal. I have accepted that I will never again be the person I was when this journey started. But I AM a better person for the journey. I appreciate every little thing! Waking up every morning is a gift now. I still have PTSD. I can't be outside when the school bus drops off the kids (our driveway is the bus stop). Just the sound of kids laughing and carrying on sends my body into a fit. My whole body tenses up, my blood pressure rises, and I'm overwhelmed with fear. But, I recongnize it for what it is....a result of living with my kids and their violence. Advice? hahaha....I'm no success story so I feel funny offering anything. Routine was my way to function. I went to work every day. By the time I got home, all I could do was collapse on the couch. So, Sunday was cooking day. I loaded up the crockpots and cooked food for the week. That way, when I got home, I could heat up some food and be fine. And I allowed myself to do nothing after work. Saturday, I cleaned house. I didn't want to. I made myself. I would set a timer for 15 minutes and work on the kitchen. Then I would sit on the couch for 15 min. The next 15 was the living room, then rest. The next 15 was the bathroom then rest. I did that for the first year. I did nothing but go to work and my weekends were at home. I needed to grieve. I still find myself mourning the what-should-of-been's once in a while. And it's okay to mourn a dream that didn't come true. My life and my family will never be what I dreamed of. Nor will anyone outside of this group understand all the invisible scars that I carry with me. I damaged my heart from all the stress. My health isn't great, but I did survive. And in the last month or two, I feel like I've reach the other side of the storm. I'm working on my crafts again. I find myself smiling more and more. I want to go out of the house and do things. I guess my best advice is to accept the pain that you are feeling as normal for someone going through what you go are going through. You'd never judge someone who had terminal illness as being "wrong" for whatever emotions that they are going through. Don't judge yourself. What us Warrior Mom's have gone through is rough. [/QUOTE]
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