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Can't give an inch...
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<blockquote data-quote="BusynMember" data-source="post: 642673" data-attributes="member: 1550"><p>Because they are still relatively young at eighteen (although I tend to think of my kids as almost adults at sixteen), I feel it is most effective to crack down on failure-to-launch young people at that age rather than suddenly finding yourself with a thirty year old on drugs, homeless, and unable to take care of himself. I started to force my kids to get their own part time job, their own money, and take responsibility for some of the car costs and other things by sixteen. I do not think I was a "tough" mom. If anything, I once heard Scott (the one who left home) talking to a friend on the phone, when there were still phonecalls...lol, and he was saying, "My mom is too soft. I mean, she's nice, but she's TOO soft." I did not discipline a lot. But I insisted they do the things that are necessary for adult growth as they are going to need them.</p><p></p><p>My kids got away with a lot, but they could not slack off. I did not want them to be unable to face the world as adults and the world expects that by eighteen.</p><p></p><p>All people are different, but both Sonic (even with his autism) and Jumper were very capable of taking care of their own needs, without asking us for money, by seventeen. We encouraged independence. Julie grew up after she quit drug use, which was nineteen. Now not saying she became a mature adult that fast, but she very slowly saw that she would have to take responsibility for her own material needs and she and her boyfriend, who was struggling himself with growing up, moved in with his mother, but paid rent and worked (not the best jobs at first, but they did) and they grew up later, but they did grow up. 37 has worked except for the five years he was too mentally ill to do ANYTHING, including partying. He was on Disability. He is still emotionally young, but he has a really good job. He bought his first house in his later twenties, after he got married and nobody gave him a car, insurance, gas money etc.</p><p></p><p>Eighteen is not old, but it's not really young either. It is a time when children evolve into the adults they will be. Most eighteen year olds are working full time, in college, or in the service. They are finding their way. We help them if they are trying, of course. But eighteen is not so young that most are not working or taking money from Dad and Mom 100%. At t he very least, all eighteen year olds, other than the severely mentally ill, are capable of an EASY full time job, like McDonalds, paying some small rent, and staying out of legal trouble. I personally don't feel that is too much to ask of our eighteen/nineteen year old difficult children.</p><p></p><p>I saw both 37 and Julie as very young for their ages, for different reasons and felt it was even more necessary to help them grow up by not making it so easy for them that they never grew up. I felt horrible saying "no" to either of them. I did help 37 A LOT when he was obviously mentally ill, but I also insisted he go for help or I would NOT help. He did get help and he got better. He has never been that sick again.</p><p></p><p>Lil, I love your k ind, sweet, caring heart. But as long as you think of eighteen as a baby, which is far from the truth, it will be harder to help your precious son to learn how to be a man. And society will not think of him as a baby. It will take him time to grow up. They all grow up at their own pace. But I feel he does need a shove and that a shove is actually a kindness. Kids who do not really want to grow up do not grow up if they don't have to.</p><p></p><p>Again, your heart is pure and kind. Your mama bear is in the right place. The problem is, you see him as a baby, but society sees him as a grown man, right or wrong. Eighteen can be a confusing age. It is on the edge of letting go of childhood and turning into the fine men and women they will be. And, in my own opinion, which could very well be wrong for YOU (we are all so very different), it is best to help them move along, even if we cry behind closed doors. And I have.</p><p></p><p>Merry Christmas to you and Jabby and your precious son. I hope all goes well.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="BusynMember, post: 642673, member: 1550"] Because they are still relatively young at eighteen (although I tend to think of my kids as almost adults at sixteen), I feel it is most effective to crack down on failure-to-launch young people at that age rather than suddenly finding yourself with a thirty year old on drugs, homeless, and unable to take care of himself. I started to force my kids to get their own part time job, their own money, and take responsibility for some of the car costs and other things by sixteen. I do not think I was a "tough" mom. If anything, I once heard Scott (the one who left home) talking to a friend on the phone, when there were still phonecalls...lol, and he was saying, "My mom is too soft. I mean, she's nice, but she's TOO soft." I did not discipline a lot. But I insisted they do the things that are necessary for adult growth as they are going to need them. My kids got away with a lot, but they could not slack off. I did not want them to be unable to face the world as adults and the world expects that by eighteen. All people are different, but both Sonic (even with his autism) and Jumper were very capable of taking care of their own needs, without asking us for money, by seventeen. We encouraged independence. Julie grew up after she quit drug use, which was nineteen. Now not saying she became a mature adult that fast, but she very slowly saw that she would have to take responsibility for her own material needs and she and her boyfriend, who was struggling himself with growing up, moved in with his mother, but paid rent and worked (not the best jobs at first, but they did) and they grew up later, but they did grow up. 37 has worked except for the five years he was too mentally ill to do ANYTHING, including partying. He was on Disability. He is still emotionally young, but he has a really good job. He bought his first house in his later twenties, after he got married and nobody gave him a car, insurance, gas money etc. Eighteen is not old, but it's not really young either. It is a time when children evolve into the adults they will be. Most eighteen year olds are working full time, in college, or in the service. They are finding their way. We help them if they are trying, of course. But eighteen is not so young that most are not working or taking money from Dad and Mom 100%. At t he very least, all eighteen year olds, other than the severely mentally ill, are capable of an EASY full time job, like McDonalds, paying some small rent, and staying out of legal trouble. I personally don't feel that is too much to ask of our eighteen/nineteen year old difficult children. I saw both 37 and Julie as very young for their ages, for different reasons and felt it was even more necessary to help them grow up by not making it so easy for them that they never grew up. I felt horrible saying "no" to either of them. I did help 37 A LOT when he was obviously mentally ill, but I also insisted he go for help or I would NOT help. He did get help and he got better. He has never been that sick again. Lil, I love your k ind, sweet, caring heart. But as long as you think of eighteen as a baby, which is far from the truth, it will be harder to help your precious son to learn how to be a man. And society will not think of him as a baby. It will take him time to grow up. They all grow up at their own pace. But I feel he does need a shove and that a shove is actually a kindness. Kids who do not really want to grow up do not grow up if they don't have to. Again, your heart is pure and kind. Your mama bear is in the right place. The problem is, you see him as a baby, but society sees him as a grown man, right or wrong. Eighteen can be a confusing age. It is on the edge of letting go of childhood and turning into the fine men and women they will be. And, in my own opinion, which could very well be wrong for YOU (we are all so very different), it is best to help them move along, even if we cry behind closed doors. And I have. Merry Christmas to you and Jabby and your precious son. I hope all goes well. [/QUOTE]
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