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Can't give an inch...
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<blockquote data-quote="BusynMember" data-source="post: 642759" data-attributes="member: 1550"><p>I think it's that you do them when he asks. Those are things that, in my opinion, should be ignored. He certainly can find food. He doesn't need cigarettes. Horrible habit and expensive and he can't afford it. If he wants a ride, oh well. He can have all these things if he stops the weed and whatever else is going on and gets a job.</p><p></p><p>I know that's what I think. If I want my son to grow up then I stop doing those things for him that he needs to learn to do for himself. Now I used to sometimes bring 37 food when he lived in motels. Rides? No. Cigarettes...all of my kids know better and none smoke. The food was never food he asked for. It was spontaneous on my part. If he wanted to get somewhere...oh, well.</p><p></p><p>Julie had the same experience, although she moved in with her brother. This brother can be and is no longer in any of our lives and was rigid and demanding. She got nothing from him. Not a stick of gum. Not a ride anywhere. There was no internet then so she walked store to store to fill out job applications. Once s he was hired, she walked to and from work, regardless of the weather as her brother worked himself, long hours, and had no sympathy for her lifestyle. He was simply offering her a roof over her head if she met his strict conditions. Much stricter than us...he never had a softhearted moment.</p><p></p><p>So when I read that you do stuff for him because he calls and whines for it, or doesn't whine and just asks for it, and it's not necessary, to me, in MY mind (which could be all wrong...we all have differing ideas) you are doing things for him that YOU want to do because you feel less guilty. They do not send him a message that he is truly on his own.</p><p></p><p>I think tough love works and that's because it did! I saw it work!</p><p></p><p>In a way, I'm glad I never had the means to pay rent for my kids or buy them cars or pay for their toys. Their father had a decent job but not a lot of money, until he inherited money much later on. Therefore, they had every advantage any kids have, but nothing more. They were spoiled a bit with toys and stuff, but it was never over-the-top. A car was never on the table. It was not affordable. Them not pitching in for their own gas and their share of our insurance was not on the table. We COULD have done it, at a tremendous cost, but we DIDN'T do it because, above all else, I, in particular, valued independency.</p><p></p><p>Now w hen Jumper is home from school and asks me to go get her a can of soda or can I put some gas in the car, hubby and I almost always say "yes." Why? She is a good girl, she is respectful, hardworking, in full time college and getting decent grades (although she has always struggled with learning disablities) and she is definitely not childlike in her thinking. There is no need to not spoil her a bit. It won't stop her from growing up. She IS growing up.</p><p></p><p>But I think failure-to=launch kids take advantage of our liking of spoiling them and doing things for them and they never learn to do them themselves. We have difficult children here who are 35-40 and still never held a steady job. 37 at least has a good job, house, car and pays child support.</p><p></p><p>I guess that's my own personal point of view...that it's not good to do stuff that grown kids who live in shelters need to do alone.</p><p></p><p>Again, hope you're not offended. I do tend to say what I feel and hope it doesn't come off as rude or anything <img src="data:image/gif;base64,R0lGODlhAQABAIAAAAAAAP///yH5BAEAAAAALAAAAAABAAEAAAIBRAA7" class="smilie smilie--sprite smilie--sprite1" alt=":)" title="Smile :)" loading="lazy" data-shortname=":)" /></p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="BusynMember, post: 642759, member: 1550"] I think it's that you do them when he asks. Those are things that, in my opinion, should be ignored. He certainly can find food. He doesn't need cigarettes. Horrible habit and expensive and he can't afford it. If he wants a ride, oh well. He can have all these things if he stops the weed and whatever else is going on and gets a job. I know that's what I think. If I want my son to grow up then I stop doing those things for him that he needs to learn to do for himself. Now I used to sometimes bring 37 food when he lived in motels. Rides? No. Cigarettes...all of my kids know better and none smoke. The food was never food he asked for. It was spontaneous on my part. If he wanted to get somewhere...oh, well. Julie had the same experience, although she moved in with her brother. This brother can be and is no longer in any of our lives and was rigid and demanding. She got nothing from him. Not a stick of gum. Not a ride anywhere. There was no internet then so she walked store to store to fill out job applications. Once s he was hired, she walked to and from work, regardless of the weather as her brother worked himself, long hours, and had no sympathy for her lifestyle. He was simply offering her a roof over her head if she met his strict conditions. Much stricter than us...he never had a softhearted moment. So when I read that you do stuff for him because he calls and whines for it, or doesn't whine and just asks for it, and it's not necessary, to me, in MY mind (which could be all wrong...we all have differing ideas) you are doing things for him that YOU want to do because you feel less guilty. They do not send him a message that he is truly on his own. I think tough love works and that's because it did! I saw it work! In a way, I'm glad I never had the means to pay rent for my kids or buy them cars or pay for their toys. Their father had a decent job but not a lot of money, until he inherited money much later on. Therefore, they had every advantage any kids have, but nothing more. They were spoiled a bit with toys and stuff, but it was never over-the-top. A car was never on the table. It was not affordable. Them not pitching in for their own gas and their share of our insurance was not on the table. We COULD have done it, at a tremendous cost, but we DIDN'T do it because, above all else, I, in particular, valued independency. Now w hen Jumper is home from school and asks me to go get her a can of soda or can I put some gas in the car, hubby and I almost always say "yes." Why? She is a good girl, she is respectful, hardworking, in full time college and getting decent grades (although she has always struggled with learning disablities) and she is definitely not childlike in her thinking. There is no need to not spoil her a bit. It won't stop her from growing up. She IS growing up. But I think failure-to=launch kids take advantage of our liking of spoiling them and doing things for them and they never learn to do them themselves. We have difficult children here who are 35-40 and still never held a steady job. 37 at least has a good job, house, car and pays child support. I guess that's my own personal point of view...that it's not good to do stuff that grown kids who live in shelters need to do alone. Again, hope you're not offended. I do tend to say what I feel and hope it doesn't come off as rude or anything :) [/QUOTE]
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