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Can't Stand Young Adult Son
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<blockquote data-quote="BusynMember" data-source="post: 621478" data-attributes="member: 1550"><p>I get all of that, hon. Our difficult children often do things to bug us on purpose. But you can't make him be clean or groom himself the way you want him to. It's not possible. Now you can certainly tell him that in YOUR house he can not smoke (I have a sign in my house that says NO SMOKING and if any of my kids smoked they would never do it under MY roof). You can tell him that he is not to smoke in your house or even on the grounds of your house. That is a boundary you have control over. You can insist he take a complete shower and wear grease-free, clean clothing before coming to visit OR you can refuse to allow him to visit you in your house at all. You can insist that unless he drops the smirk and disrespect, you will not speak to him or see him, if that is something you are comfortable doing. That is within your power...how YOU react to his choices in YOUR presence and on YOUR grounds is 100% up to you. You can not in any way minimize the drama he wants to cause, but you can choose to not be a part of it.</p><p></p><p>I have to do many of these things with my own 36 year old son. He fits traits in both the antisocial and narcissistic categories. I guess that, all things considered, I am lucky his job is in another state because then I don't have to have him in the house where I don't really trust him 100%. The only thing I'm fortunate about is that he IS responsible about keeping a job, a house and paying his own bills because we wouldn't help him if he weren't. So I guess he's lucky too. On the other hand, he still has childish meltdowns and spats of disrespect and has even threatened me and my ex, his father. I do understand what you are dealing with. It's not fun. We wish they were not like they are. We wonder how we could have loved them so much, yet they seem to lack normal empathy for others. I have four children that are actively in my life. He is the only one I don't like. I love him, but I often do not like him. At times I am ashamed of his behavior, but I have gone into "radical acceptance" mode. He is who he is. I can't change him. But I can decide when/if/why I want to talk to him and under what circumstances. That has been a Godsend for both my peace of mind and my relationship with my other grown kids. Let's face it, these drama queens and kings take up all our time if we engage them so we have no time for our loving spouses, if we have one, or our other more loving children and our friends or, really, anything. When my son was going through his last crisis, he called me ten times a day (no lie) and my daughter, who is a doll, would roll her eyes and say, "Mom, I don't even know why you talk to him at all. He's such a jerk." None of his siblings can stand him.</p><p></p><p>I talk to him at all because I still love him, but I won't put up with him being mean to me. Period.</p><p></p><p>I hope you are not offended by anything I wrote. I don't mean to tell you about your own son as I don't know him. I *do* know how hard it is to deal with somebody you love (but don't like). And sometimes they make it very hard to love them too.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="BusynMember, post: 621478, member: 1550"] I get all of that, hon. Our difficult children often do things to bug us on purpose. But you can't make him be clean or groom himself the way you want him to. It's not possible. Now you can certainly tell him that in YOUR house he can not smoke (I have a sign in my house that says NO SMOKING and if any of my kids smoked they would never do it under MY roof). You can tell him that he is not to smoke in your house or even on the grounds of your house. That is a boundary you have control over. You can insist he take a complete shower and wear grease-free, clean clothing before coming to visit OR you can refuse to allow him to visit you in your house at all. You can insist that unless he drops the smirk and disrespect, you will not speak to him or see him, if that is something you are comfortable doing. That is within your power...how YOU react to his choices in YOUR presence and on YOUR grounds is 100% up to you. You can not in any way minimize the drama he wants to cause, but you can choose to not be a part of it. I have to do many of these things with my own 36 year old son. He fits traits in both the antisocial and narcissistic categories. I guess that, all things considered, I am lucky his job is in another state because then I don't have to have him in the house where I don't really trust him 100%. The only thing I'm fortunate about is that he IS responsible about keeping a job, a house and paying his own bills because we wouldn't help him if he weren't. So I guess he's lucky too. On the other hand, he still has childish meltdowns and spats of disrespect and has even threatened me and my ex, his father. I do understand what you are dealing with. It's not fun. We wish they were not like they are. We wonder how we could have loved them so much, yet they seem to lack normal empathy for others. I have four children that are actively in my life. He is the only one I don't like. I love him, but I often do not like him. At times I am ashamed of his behavior, but I have gone into "radical acceptance" mode. He is who he is. I can't change him. But I can decide when/if/why I want to talk to him and under what circumstances. That has been a Godsend for both my peace of mind and my relationship with my other grown kids. Let's face it, these drama queens and kings take up all our time if we engage them so we have no time for our loving spouses, if we have one, or our other more loving children and our friends or, really, anything. When my son was going through his last crisis, he called me ten times a day (no lie) and my daughter, who is a doll, would roll her eyes and say, "Mom, I don't even know why you talk to him at all. He's such a jerk." None of his siblings can stand him. I talk to him at all because I still love him, but I won't put up with him being mean to me. Period. I hope you are not offended by anything I wrote. I don't mean to tell you about your own son as I don't know him. I *do* know how hard it is to deal with somebody you love (but don't like). And sometimes they make it very hard to love them too. [/QUOTE]
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