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Can't take it anymore !!!
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<blockquote data-quote="recoveringenabler" data-source="post: 647769" data-attributes="member: 13542"><p>Welcome sooootired. I'm glad you found us. You've gotten good advice from the other warrior moms. </p><p>Your daughter is 39 and my daughter is 42. My daughter is homeless. I raised her daughter who is 18 and is now in college. </p><p>I understand how you feel, I get it. I also did EVERYTHING for my daughter for many years.......... and then I stopped. I got a lot of support to make the changes necessary so that I could detach from my daughter and actually have my own life. I did it. So can you. It is a process. It takes time and a big commitment from you. And, in my opinion, it takes a whole lot of support. The more support you get, the easier this process will eventually get and the faster you will respond and change. Without support, it is very, very hard to make these changes. Our natural tendencies to protect, love, nurture and help our kids is a very strong instinct to change. </p><p></p><p>My suggestion to you would be to contact NAMI, which is the National Alliance on Mental Illness. They have chapters in most cities and can be accessed on line. They have excellent courses for parents and resources for parents and for our adult kids who suffer from mental illness. After all of this time, you are depleted, exhausted and ready for a change I'm sure. As the others have said, read the article on detachment, it's also at the bottom of my post here. Once our kids are adults, we no longer have any control over their choices and when/if they make poor ones, they should be the ones suffering the consequences not us.</p><p></p><p>At this stage of the game, it's all about boundaries. Boundaries with your time, your efforts, your energy, your money, every single thing you do for your daughter. She is WAY past the age of needing a parent. As you make the boundaries clear to her, she will find alternatives. But as long as you provide everything, then there is no reason for her to have to figure it out or look for answers. After a time, we begin a sort of script with our adult kids, they provide the problem, we supply the answers. Everyone knows their lines. When you back out of the script, she will likely have a poor reaction to that, perhaps even dramatic. She is used to having you deal with her life. Any change you initiate is not going to be met with ease, but in order for this entire scenario to change, YOU will have to be the one who does the changing.</p><p></p><p>I'm glad you're clear about not raising any more kids. It's good to know that. </p><p></p><p>Get yourself some real support, go to NAMI or a therapist or someone who can help you. NAMI will help you orient through all of this and give you advice and support as to how to set those boundaries and allow your daughter to figure out her own life. It's not easy to let go, but that is what we have to do, or be dragged along in their lives by their poor choices and bad behavior</p><p></p><p>Hang in there, soootired. It will get better. Keep posting it helps. I'm glad you're here.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="recoveringenabler, post: 647769, member: 13542"] Welcome sooootired. I'm glad you found us. You've gotten good advice from the other warrior moms. Your daughter is 39 and my daughter is 42. My daughter is homeless. I raised her daughter who is 18 and is now in college. I understand how you feel, I get it. I also did EVERYTHING for my daughter for many years.......... and then I stopped. I got a lot of support to make the changes necessary so that I could detach from my daughter and actually have my own life. I did it. So can you. It is a process. It takes time and a big commitment from you. And, in my opinion, it takes a whole lot of support. The more support you get, the easier this process will eventually get and the faster you will respond and change. Without support, it is very, very hard to make these changes. Our natural tendencies to protect, love, nurture and help our kids is a very strong instinct to change. My suggestion to you would be to contact NAMI, which is the National Alliance on Mental Illness. They have chapters in most cities and can be accessed on line. They have excellent courses for parents and resources for parents and for our adult kids who suffer from mental illness. After all of this time, you are depleted, exhausted and ready for a change I'm sure. As the others have said, read the article on detachment, it's also at the bottom of my post here. Once our kids are adults, we no longer have any control over their choices and when/if they make poor ones, they should be the ones suffering the consequences not us. At this stage of the game, it's all about boundaries. Boundaries with your time, your efforts, your energy, your money, every single thing you do for your daughter. She is WAY past the age of needing a parent. As you make the boundaries clear to her, she will find alternatives. But as long as you provide everything, then there is no reason for her to have to figure it out or look for answers. After a time, we begin a sort of script with our adult kids, they provide the problem, we supply the answers. Everyone knows their lines. When you back out of the script, she will likely have a poor reaction to that, perhaps even dramatic. She is used to having you deal with her life. Any change you initiate is not going to be met with ease, but in order for this entire scenario to change, YOU will have to be the one who does the changing. I'm glad you're clear about not raising any more kids. It's good to know that. Get yourself some real support, go to NAMI or a therapist or someone who can help you. NAMI will help you orient through all of this and give you advice and support as to how to set those boundaries and allow your daughter to figure out her own life. It's not easy to let go, but that is what we have to do, or be dragged along in their lives by their poor choices and bad behavior Hang in there, soootired. It will get better. Keep posting it helps. I'm glad you're here. [/QUOTE]
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